About how I'm a useless human being

That's right some surly ciggarette chomping perpetually scowling faced store mangaers did this to me,drove me to think of this.Over 4 years ago after 2 weeks gathering carts in a wide a--- parking lot,a job that it's not like there's a manual for they fired me and it left it a sting in me as the thing that finally made my parents want to get a legit psych evalution of me.

I am hardly functional person as far as being a tax paying citizen who contributes to society who pay bills b/c to this day I have never formally worked a day in my life at a few weeks past 22 yrs.Even though I can blab in a somewhat formal and "insightful" way my Aspergers and the heavy influence it had on me esp.before hitting 12 is one of those things that unlike being paralyzed or having high cholestrol ppl can dismiss as "I don't buy this .b.s." b/c of the inherent vagueness of the the condition and what it does differently in the mentality of each person.Anxiety is one of the sharper things in me with it.

if I were ever have been able 2 go 3 a humanities program at a university like I now wish I had done thatif the newfound heft of juggling all those the subjects in my mind wouldn't have gone to me,the workload would've crushed me in the end.I heavily lack physical skills and if it weren't for the infrastructure of the place that I live in and the recognition I get for my Aspegers like ODSP (Ontario disability support program) like if I was born into a 3rd world country 1/2 a century earlier there is little doubt that I would be more miserable,feel less understood and emotionally satisifed only to continue over ~500 of mestizo Hispanic men doing hard,unappreciated agrarian labor.I'd say I've had problems my whole life developing skills if wasn't rooted in instinct like talking,reading,writing and other creative expression.

I swear it seems so often that when you strip away the morality, prestige, emotional investments and sentimental values SSSSOOO much of life and the purpose for most things existing unless your f---n wealthy enuff to get away with anything you want seems to be that it's only allowed to exist if it is---useful.Utility.Usefulness I find it odd how "sierve" in Spanish means both serve and useful.I mean you can be an articulate person with some darn good and interesting thoughts and a Ph.D in like literaure but at the end of the day the ever so f---- aggravating question -_- "Is it useful? ... does it put bread on the table...does it pay the bills?" seems to f----n pop up.You can even be like a survivalist recluse but all of the rest of mainstream society will ridicule you and call you useless and wonder if you would ever be good at having a job.

While the way I'm writing this is choppy and sorta non-sensical I want to get it out now as a purging before I start my 3rd and God willing,true college program to accomplish even if it is the often ridiculed "general arts and sciences" at a community college no less.I'd like to get this out now so that I don't make it an elaborate thing for when I feel glum in the semester and think back to writing and adding stuff onto here

Hi xod.

I can relate to what you wrote.
I didn't get everything, but some parts jumped at me.
The "usefulness". Yes..
I feel quite useless because I can't do much. I do go to college but I have no idea what to do with my life.
And I'm not good at working or doing anything productive either.

Hang in there!