Yeah, I know my problems are not that bad....lots of people have it way worse than me. Lately, I just feel so empty... I don't know what to do. I felt so crappy last night... my boyfriend stayed up with me talking on the phone and made me feel a lot better.... but I was crying, like, the whole time.
I've been thinking a lot about my biological dad... whom I haven't seen since I was 2. I keep wondering if I should call him and try to talk to him... find out what he's like, and if he ever regrets giving me up.... I could call... I've looked his name up in the phonebook before, I know he lives a few towns away from me, which isn't that far... a lot of times at work, I'm paranoid he'll walk in the door and, like, he won't know who I am, and I won't know who he is... would I even recognize him???
And another thing... I used to be so sure of who i was and happy with myself, but lately, I seem so distant from myself... which doesn't even make sense.....
My dad has been getting on my nerves a lot lately. He tries to tell me about my problems and that I'm wrong, when he doed the same things, if not worse.... he can act like more of a child than me sometimes....
I love my boyfriend, and I know he loves me.... we've been together for more than 8 months... which is a long time for a 15 year old and a 17 year old.... and I'm still crazy about him. But at the same time, we can be so different from eachother... sometimes he doesn't know how to talk to me... although I must admit, he's getting much better at it, but I still can't talk to him sometimes, you know?
And I can't talk to my parents.... I used to have a great relationship with my mom... and I still love her with all my heart... but we've grown apart lately, cuz she's stressed out most of the time... I get my anxiety from her.
Speaking of anxiety, there are so many boys ( I can think of 3 right now) who really, really like me and want to go out with me, but I can't cuz I'm in love with Dusty (my bf). I feel so awful because they're sad... I feel like it's my fault.... and yet I can't help them... Why do they seem to think I'm so perfect, anyway???? What's so great about me??? There are tons of girls, why me?
I just want everybody to be happy... and when I can't make people feel better, my whole existance is questioned. Why am I here if I can't make people happy????
I love my friends, but they are also really different from me... they don't care about everything the way I do, so when I'm sad about something, they don't understand... cuz they dont' get upset about stuff like that.
Basically, I have no one to talk to .... except God, of couse, but he can't give me a canversation with feedback and stuff... so I just need someone to talk to who might understand what's going on with me.... I keep thinking, there's got to be somebody in the world who thinks the same way I do....
I really think I need medication... I freak out about everything... everything is my fault all the time, and I take everything so seriously. Dusty keeps telling me I should "chill", but it's not that easy, I guess... My mom seems to think I'm just an ordinary teenager with ordinary over-reacting due to hormone crap... maybe she's right.... I dunno.
Anyway, I basically just need somebody to talk to and tell me it's okay and stuff... so... yeah. If anybody could help, that'd be great.