Need help with father's gambling habit

Hi everyone, my name's Reuben, im turning 21 this year and I juat happened to come across this forum while surfing the net and hope I could get some advice. I'm very concerned and upset about my father's gambling habits. Every since gambling was legalised and two casinos were built were built in Singapore, he's been frequently visiting them. The government imposes a $100 entry fee for locals but they could pay $2000 for an annual 'membership'. My father payed the $2000 for a year's entry at the Marina Bay Sands. That encouraged him to go even more. I think his habbits are getting out of hand, to the point of addiction. The amount he spends has been increasing steadily over the past few months. In the beginning he started with a few hundred but now he gambles by the thousands. His frequency has been increasing too. What was a once a week thing has increased to at least twice or thrice a week. Just last week, he went to the casino 3 times and gambled away his entire month's income ($8000).

It's pretty upsetting for my sister, my mother and I. He's the sole breadwinner of the family and he just gambled away a month's income in 3 days in a week. Whenever we try talking to him and discouraging him to go, he would just brush us off and say it's his own money and he can use however he liked. On top of that, whenever we ask him how much he gambles, he never reveals the figure. Even if he did, I have doubts about their accuracy. I think they would be below the actual amount he gambled. Whenever he goes to the casino, he would stay overnight and come back only at around noon the next day. He used to pick up his phone whenever we call and ask him to come home but he ignores our calls now. What's worse is that he is increasingly going on weekdays and would take the leave the next day to gamble half the day and sleep the next. He's reaching retirement age and I'm afraid that being absent from work so often would look bad for him and that he might end up in him losing his job.

I've tried talking to him numerous times but he always brushes away the topic, saying that he knows what he is doing and that he is actually 'cutting down'. Just a few weeks back, I ended up having an argument with him about money. No one in my family ever argues about money and this was the first time it happened. He said that I'm spending way too much of money buying things like printer ink, an iPod touch, a laptop and TV and that we were actually living from paycheque to paycheque. That worried me a lot as I thought we always had some money left for savings. I said that what I spend on over a few months is what he is able to spend over a night and he got really angry and said that he is cutting down already. He hasn't and his habit has in fact been getting worse. I hardly get to see him on weekends as he would be drinking with friends or gambling friday night away until Saturday morning and go play golf in the afternoon and if he's in the mood, he would also go on Saturday evening and play until Sunday morning and sleep for the rest of the day. Yesterday he even lied to us saying that he is bringing clients out for work entertainment when he actually went to the casino. When we called he said he brought his clients there of all places. We only found out when I checked his membership account (I have access to it) and saw that he was earning points that night. I'm not even sure if he actually had clients that needed entertainment.

Just today he sent me an text saying that I should get my own dinner today since he would not be coming home early. I knew there would be a chance that he would be going to the casino and sent him a short reply saying 'No casino'. He got angry and sent me thsi reply "Are you the father and I, the son? Seems that way. You stay at home for 1 week and are not to ask questions." His reply made me cry...I only wanted to remind him to not go there and to be honest, by going to the casino again he's acting like a child. I don't really get what he meant by me staying at home for 1 week too. My parents don't ground me. What is even more upsetting is the last part where he asks me to not ask any questions about his gambling. I think he finds it annoying that my mother and I always pester him about the amount he spends and constantly telling him not to go to the casino, maybe that's why he never answers his phone when he is there anymore. I don't like bringing up the topic about his gambling habits because it might end up in an argument or some scolding. I used to argue with him quite a bit but over the past few years, it has decreased dramatically to just a handful. I feel that the frequency is increasing again. My mother, who is very passive, has given up talking about it and hopes for the best.

I find myself constantly being stressed about family finances. I've stopped asking my parents to pay for anything and feel guilty if I do. I have been working too as you might remember as a relief teacher. I want to enjoy my holidays and don't really like my job but I feel constantly pressured to work because of my family's dwindling finances. I feel the need to save money here, there and everywhere, eating out less, trying to find ways to save money even when we were on holiday in Italy a few weeks back. I would walk to the next bus stop a few hundred metres down if it would be that I could save 10 cents. I feel a pinch whenever I spend money. My friends say that I'm now obsessed with making and saving as much money as possible. Going at this rate, my father will deplete all his savings and remaining pension money within a year or less. I'm not really sure if this will happen or not but it looks like it. I want him to stop before it's too late but I'm not really sure what is the appropriate action to take. I've considered putting a ban (the government imposes exclusion orders on people who who are deemed gambling addicts once he himself or his family approaches the gambling council for help with thorough checks) on him but I'm afraid about the consequences. When I brought up the topic about the exclusion order, my father would always say 'You would dare?!' and 'I'll cut your allowance if you do'. I know he's joking about the allowance part but it scares me that such things even come across his mind. If he is banned, he would have to go for compulsory counselling by law. He mentioned that counselling is nonsence and stupid. I think he feels that he doesn't have the problem. I'm very afraid that my family might break down once we get a ban on him. I don't want him to be fined or thrown into jail for not going for counselling too. Getting a ban would only make him more agitated. The gambling counsel might not approve our request too because we haven't reached a point where we are in debt or financial trouble.

What should I do? I am very confused and distressed. I feel like I've reached a dead end. Sometimes I just not want to care but I know that is just avoiding a big disaster. I feel very tired. I can't seem to relax at all. Do you guys think he is an addict? He only meets some of the traits mentioned on the gambling counsel website. http://www.ncpg.org.sg/th_symtoms.html Any advise would be appreciated. Thanks for reading!

Hi, qwertyfied! If you fear for your family's safety, you could ask a professional about how to help him. Maybe there are centers for people with a gambling problem where you live. You could ask them about how you could convince him to have counseling first and then do what is necessary for your family, if he still refuses and keeps spending all the money. Don't feel bad about looking after yourself, your sis and your mother.

I have just read your post and I really feel for you. Im sorry these bad times have fallen on you. I have no idea how to really help you in this situation other than to agree with what Jasmin has said. I think its difficult for you to get your father help without him admitting that he has a problem first. Hopefully things will work out for you. All the best x