No self control

I just wanted to write about my experience with gambling, not to ask for any help necessarily, or to achieve anything, but just because I wanted to write down some things that I haven't told anyone in my life, even my closest friends and family.

My vice is sports betting and I'm definitely an addict. On a basic level, it has always felt like a legitimate thing to do, because I have a lot of knowledge about various sports and it would be good to make a bit of money from that knowledge. Unfortunately, things haven't turned out that way. Even though when I'm betting I feel smarter than the average gambler, and understand betting principles etc in theory, in reality I always manage to lose. But, it doesn't matter how much or how often I lose - I always think I can win it back or a good streak is just around the corner. It turns out that the bad streaks are the ones that get you into a lot of trouble.

I didn't gamble till about 5 or 6 years ago and in that time I've managed to lose god knows how much money. I currently have a $20,000 limit card maxed out, have virtually no saving, and am living from payday to payday. I'm able to mask things pretty well - I have a good job (though I'm constantly following games at work), I'm outwardly happy, I hide my gambling from everyone.

One of my best friends is also into gambling and he I suppose is kind of enabler for me - it's one of the things we talk about a lot. We never say how much we gamble or how much we've won or lost, but I suspect he is in a much better financial situation that me and hasn't let it take over his life (i.e. doesn't bet nearly as much), even though he does it as frequently as I do. He also like playing poker machines and has drawn me into that too. Over the last few years I've lost plenty on those too, although I just view that as the occasional bit of fun with a set amount of money (admittedly more than I should play), and I don't feel addicted to playing those machines. I have come to enjoy them though and have even gone a few times without my friend.

A previous girlfriend knew amout my gambling, but only because I told her when I reached the $20,000 debt on my credit card and couldn't take the stress anymore. I just had to tell someone. At that point, I was having to not eat a couple of days before payday and survive on almost nothing for a few days every fortnight.

I broke down and told my current partner after avoiding discussions about holidays and things like that (because I had no money obviously), and that was really hard. She wanted me to quit for good, but I haven't been able to and to be honest I haven't really wanted to. The other day she asked me how the gambling was going and whether I still did it. I flat out lied to her, saying that I hadn't gambled in a while and it was all fine. The reality was I had been having a few bets that weekend. Even earlier, when she first found out, she asked me how often I was betting - I said every now and then on weekends when there was football on, but really I was betting every day on sports, with no exceptions. She thinks I should tell my parents to get everything out in the open, but I'm not sure I can do that. It's too shameful.

At one stage last year, I put a restriction on my sports betting account so I could only deposit a small amount of money over a long period of time, much less than I would normally do. I thought it would be a good compromise - restrict my gambling, but still be able to do it in moderation. I found it really difficult and as soon as the period of time passed, I started betting like normal again. My girlfriend of course wanted me to quit cold, but I didn't want to totally give up something that I enjoyed doing, and still enjoy doing, despite how much pain and trouble it has caused me.

At various times I have tried to moderate things - flat betting a low percentage of bankroll, things like that, but I always got bored, upped my stakes, or couldn't control myself. Once I actually stuck to the disciplined way of doing things, only I went on such a bad run that I lost my designated betting amount anyway. All I did was turn around and start again.

I remember one stage I won about $6000 on a bet and paid off my credit card down to about $2,500. Then the next weekend I had a bad beat on football, also discovered college football, and by the end of the year was back up over $10,000. My bigest regret was wishing I had just lowered my credit limit when I had the chance.

Having the credit card has been so dangerous - I look back at my statements and I was regularly betting $500 here, $300 there....I even bet $2000 on one game and of course, the team I bet on lost in agonising fashion. I'm not doing it to that extent now, but I'm still betting usually somewhere between $50-200 here and there and it all adds up. I'm paying off my credit card, but the problem is that I'm still using it for gambling at the same time.

My girlfriend thinks I am steadily paying my credit card off, and I am paying a regular amount. The problem is I am still using it and am not really making much progress paying it down. I actually keep track of how much money I "owe" my credit card - the additional amount I should have paid off by now - and it's just getting bigger all the time. Last week I had a few wins and cut it down by a few hundred dollars, then on the weekend I had a terrible run on a few games, and went backwards by about $1000. It's a neverending cycle. So I've been sitting on the same amount of debt for quite a while, even though I've been lying to my girlfriend constantly about how much is left on there to pay off, which I feel really bad about.

I know it's stupid and I should just quit but I really don't want to.I miss the feeling too much.
The biggest thing I'm feeling right now is regret - I'm in my early 30's, with a good job and great partner. All of my friends are buying houses, going on holidays, and I just don't have the money to do any of that stuff. I feel like I've literally wasted the last few years of my life on gambling and if I don't get a grip, I'll waste the next few as well.

I actually feel restless and empty when I don't have action on something. Sometimes when I win, instead of putting the money back in my bank account or on the credit card, I look at what the next sporting event is and have a small bet on whatever it is, just to have some action. It's pathetic.
Intellectually, I know what I'm doing is ridiculous, but I do it anyway. I guess that's the nature of addiction.

Anyway, I just wanted to get that stuff down in writing - apologies that it's a bit stream of consciousness. I'm feeling really bad at the moment because I've regressed a bit in the past week and have made some stupid bets that I regret. I know I need to quit, and I have found it comforting to read some of the stories here and know that many people are going through similar things.

I married at age 28 and brought $22,000 in credit card debt into the marriage from a gambling addiction she had no idea about. The only difference between you and I is that it was 25 years ago, and since then I've lost another $500,000 because I never chose to quit. Is that what you want for yourself? Be happy you recognize the problem this early.

The good news is that I've been sober now for over a year and I'm rebuilding. I chose to do something that you haven't. I asked for help! I went to Celebrate Recovery. A wonderful Christ based 12 step program for anyone with hurts or habits such as Alcohol, Drugs, Porn, Food, Co-Dependency and yes GAMBLING! Did you see the movie Home Run? Celebrate Recovery is where the main character went to get help. With thousands of chapters around the world, I encourage you to look into your directory and attend a local meeting. They won't try to fix you, but listen to you and share their own stories.

Let me know how it goes. I care.

Hi JR2006,

Posting your story is a great first step. You'd be amazed at how many people will read your post and see themselves in your story. I imagine you've read some other posts and saw yourself in THEIR stories. The details are all different of course, but the addiction's the same. So is the powerlessness of it.

You say you don't want to quit because you enjoy it and I believe you, but some part of you must want it to stop because you found yourself here, at a forum for gambling addicts.

I'm a gambling addict too. I've been clean for over a year but when I was in the addiction, I felt the same way you do. I found everything but gambling boring. I couldn't get to 'feel' unless I was planning to gamble or gambling. Or at least I thought that. The truth was I was in the throes of an addiction and giving in to it. I wanted to be, too. And I loved it.

What I hated was the unnecessary poverty, the stress, the terrible nights of no sleep, and the lack of control that owned me. The lieing to people about my gambling was the worst indication that I KNEW it was a problem. Who lies about a non-problem? I ended up spending well over 100 thousand (still cannot believe the amount) before I stopped. I kept thinking I could get it under control.

No matter how often I lost control (and all my money) I KEPT believing I could get it under control.

For me, it was a sickening experience of one night actually TRYING to stop gambling and continuing to do it that caused me to stop. What an eye opener that was. I was actually saying 'Stop!' out loud and continuing to hit the 'Spin' button. It was hard to face, but impossible to ignore.

I came close to the brink. Losing my home, my job, everything, all the while continuing to think I needed to get my 'finances' on track. Finally, after that night, I just said, 'Enough." I still don't know how it actually happened, but it worked and I stopped cold turkey.

I sincerely hope you never get to that point - I wouldn't wish it on an enemy - and find your own path back to living before you get that far. It CAN be done, but ultimately it's YOUR path to travel. Nobody can tell you how or make you do it.

We here, with our own paths, can only offer moral support (and I sincerely do), but you know, sometimes that's what we really need, so feel free to take some.

I wish you all the best on beating this thing, but I'm sorry to say, I personally don't think you can 'limit' your gambling. You're going to have to face the fact that with addiction, it's all or nothing.

You took a great first step posting here, and I appreciate you sharing your story. Hope you get where you want to be, and thanks for the honesty of your post. I got a lot out of it, and I'm grateful.

Good luck & don't lose faith. Success is out there.

Wow, that's me, although I haven't been in that deep yet. But, I also realize the only reason I have CC debt is because I like sports gambling.



Unless you're a gambler, it's hard to explain the addiction. It's not about the money per se, it's about winning. And you rationalize things more than otehr gamblers. You bet on a point spread or a game to go over and under, you lose, and you think "well, if only I had bet opposite. Yeah, I should fade myself."

I said earlier it wasn't about money, well, I guess it is in that if I'm down, I just want to even up. And I've been lucky a lot too. A few times, I've turned 100 bucks into 1100 bucks on 4 bets. But I've gone bust just as much. I want to quit. Not sure I can. It consumes me. I feel pathetic when I'm watching a Davidson/Middle Tennessee baasketball blowout intently just to see if the game will go over or stay under.

So I wanted to come back on here to see when it was that I posted my story and I can't believe it was over a year ago. I'd like to give you all a success story and say I knocked this gambling stuff out, but unfortunately I can't do that. I still have a credit card debt of around $18,500 and next to no savings. I'm not really in any worse a position overall than when I posted, except that if I'd stuck with my debt management plan and not kept on gambling, I'd be well over half way to clearing that debt. I haven't been going crazy with it really over the last year - but when you are betting a bit here, a bit there, and taking some regular losses, it starts to really add up and you barely even notice. Before you know it, you're right back where you started.

Now for the bright side: I self-excluded from my online sports betting accounts and I haven't gambled in a bit over a week because, well, I can't. I haven't found it too bad - sometimes I feel a bit restless without it, but I'm really busy with work at the moment so that's helping - I just don't have much time right now during the day to think about wanting to gamble. I'm lucky too I suppose because I've never been drawn to casinos or online casino games, just sports betting, so I don't have any urge to drive to a casino or play poker machine or whatever,

I don't know why, but this time it feels different - I feel resolved to follow through this time and pay off my debt and stop gambling. It's about 8 years on from when I really got started doing this and I'm sick of having no money, lying to my girlfriend about how much debt I have (she thinks I've almost paid it down, which I would have if I'd just stopped gambling earlier), sick of having no money just before my next payday. I'm an adult, I'm supposed to be able to take responsibility for my finances and not be an idiot about this. I have a good job I earn pretty good money and really, I should be in a good financial position. But I'm not because I've set myself back almost a decade. I've wasted all that time and have nothing to show for it. I never stole or used my rent money to gamble or whatever, but I've been living on the financial edge for far too long, but without anyone really suspecting anything and I can't do it anymore - I want to start over and do it right this time.

I don't know why I'm back here - I guess I wanted to read some other people's stories again because I identify so much with them and it helps to feel like I'm not the only one who's screwed up. I didn't really want to quit before because I enjoyed it too much - how stupid is that? I enjoyed losing thousands of dollars....sounds ridiculous. It's not even that I needed the 'high' of gambling, though it did get my adrenaline pumping when I had a lot at stake - I think on some level I just wanted money for nothing and that's what it seems like is on offer sometimes when you gamble - when you have a strong feeling about a game or you think you have an edge. Then you lose and you realise again that you're a sucker. Even when I racked up all my debt, I wanted to cut corners to pay it off, by winning money, taking a shortcut, not taking responsibility to pay it down slowly like everyone else.

But now I do really want to quit, and I think that's going to be the difference. I know I'm going to miss it to some extent, maybe a lot, but I don't think I have a choice anymore. I'm drawing line in the sand and I hope I can come back from time to time with successful updates.

Hello JR,

You are like most all of us here - you gamble for fun as the main goal, not to win. But, over time it becomes inevitable that there will be a financial toll. I have never technically chased losses, which to me means going back again the next day/week after a huge loss, or technically spent my rent money.

What I have done is lost complete control on too many occasions, which resulted in a lot of short-term pain and self-doubt.

Friday's loss was especially dark. Aside from losing 2 1/2 times more than I ever had before, I drove past the scene of a fatal 3-car accident on the NYS thruway at 1:00 in the morning. The mangled car was sitting in the grass and the toll booth attendant informed me that two were dead. I saw on the news the next day that the deceased were a 23 year-old woman and a 24 year-old man.

This was the topper to an already terrible night and of course I couldn't sleep. Woke up at 7:00 AM and could not bear facing the day, so I grabbed two beers and literally chugged both of them in less than 5 minutes. My biggest fear was that my son would see me in this state and luckily I was able to cover up my pain while still being honest and never mentioned the fatalities.

I guess my point is (besides baring my own soul) that you are quitting at a good time. Yes, you are discouraged about your finances and some poor choices, but if you do end this now you will save yourself the inevitable pain that comes if you sink deeper and deeper into this dark and unforgiving sickness.

Be well and be strong!

Petemon

To JR and Petemon -

I, like both of you, went on for a year after my initial post on here about wanting to quit. I joined GA and then quit going. I made friends there that I kept in touch with, but didn't go to mtgs for personal reasons and the obvious fact that I "loved gambling" and didn't have it in my heart to quit. The truth is I didn't really love it (I think) - it was an escape from reality. I got sick of the lying, being broke and just being one of those sickos in the casino. The first few weeks were so f*&^ing hard. I ain't gonna lie! I can't imagine what being hooked on drugs is like, but I felt like I had physical withdrawals from not going. There were so many times, I walked out the back door from my office and looked across the street and literally shook cause I wanted to go to the casino. I went for a fast paced walk around the block instead. It is easier now as I find more things to do, but I try to go to meetings as that helps some and reading these forums does too. I don't ever want to be back in that hell!

Good luck to both of you!

JR2006 wrote:So I wanted to come back on here to see when it was that I posted my story and I can't believe it was over a year ago. I'd like to give you all a success story and say I knocked this gambling stuff out, but unfortunately I can't do that. I still have a credit card debt of around $18,500 and next to no savings. I'm not really in any worse a position overall than when I posted, except that if I'd stuck with my debt management plan and not kept on gambling, I'd be well over half way to clearing that debt. I haven't been going crazy with it really over the last year - but when you are betting a bit here, a bit there, and taking some regular losses, it starts to really add up and you barely even notice. Before you know it, you're right back where you started.

Now for the bright side: I self-excluded from my online sports betting accounts and I haven't gambled in a bit over a week because, well, I can't. I haven't found it too bad - sometimes I feel a bit restless without it, but I'm really busy with work at the moment so that's helping - I just don't have much time right now during the day to think about wanting to gamble. I'm lucky too I suppose because I've never been drawn to casinos or online casino games, just sports betting, so I don't have any urge to drive to a casino or play poker machine or whatever,

I don't know why, but this time it feels different - I feel resolved to follow through this time and pay off my debt and stop gambling. It's about 8 years on from when I really got started doing this and I'm sick of having no money, lying to my girlfriend about how much debt I have (she thinks I've almost paid it down, which I would have if I'd just stopped gambling earlier),

Hi JR,

You mentioned one thing that is possibly the most close to my heart in this - the lying to your girlfriend about the money/debt. I hate to say it but I am in exactly the same position - my partner does not know about my debt (though she thinks I have some), and thinks I have paid it right down (when its really as big as ever). I feel a bit trapped though, because I promised this would not happen again (it happened before of course, she knew that) and she keeps repeating 'if you do that again then that would be it...', which really kills me. We have a family of two children, which I feel awful about in this situation too. Thankfully she is a higher earner than me, so we are generally ok in a day-to-day sense, but lying about my money feels terrible. My job is not secure either, great additional problem. I am planning to start debt management soon (managed to scrape by without that so far), but I also fear that will be noticed. Does your girlfriend know you have one? Either way, I have to sort my mess out, and essentially I do not want to speak to my partner about doing it - which is a bad feeling for sure.

I loved sports betting too, and knew lots about sports so thought I could beat the system.
No, we can't. Over time, we will NOT be ahead.

One thing that's really helped me is to do contests instead. There are many sports sites like TSN and Sportsnet and ESPN, CBC, CBS, etc. which have contests which are FREE. I've even won prizes and money from them without paying a cent.

I think there's a lot to be said for going Cold Turkey. Granted, I'm not in financial trouble at all.
Maybe I was just a problem gambler, not an addict. Perhaps it's a lot easier for me because I
only gambled occasionally. BUT, when I realized I was no longer able to easily walk away once I
was ahead, I knew I was getting to the ADDICTION stage.

Reading stories of how this gambling can progress has scared me enough not to put more money
into gambling (with one minor glitch which cost me $20).

I do not want to live a life of lying, deceit and wasting money. What scared me into Cold Turkey
was a thought one day in May: "Maybe I could reduce the amount of money I'm giving to my World Vision children so I'd have more per month to gamble." That was one of my worst thoughts ever.
Though no one could see that thought, I knew it was evil. God forgive me!

Anyhow, I wish all on here a gamble-free day! Get onto the right path and do not stray off it,
for your loved ones and your own sake.

So it's been about a month since I posted last time, just wanted to check in....

I ended up just going cold turkey by cutting off my ability to put money into my sports gambling accounts. The good thing is that, once you do that, they don't let you change your settings for a couple of months so, unless you open more accounts elsewhere or want to do it in person (neither of which I'm inclined to do), you literally can't gamble (and I have no interest in other forms of gambling so that covers it for me).

I've actually found it to be surprisingly easy so far - I think about it every now and then, and sometimes I think it would be fun to have a bet on a football game or something, but those thoughts pass and I'm not feeling too bad about it. I suppose part of that is the fact that I'm handcuffed by the restrictions I've placed on myself in terms of my betting accounts - so once it becomes possible to alter those, maybe the real test will come. But I feel a new sense of resolve to beat this that I haven't previously, so I'm not concerned.

Financially, it's still a long way back for me to pay off my credit card debt and accumulate some real savings, and I've had an expensive month in other areas of my life (and a month isn't long enough to see much positive change) so it's a bit discouraging in that respect and time seems to be passing slowly. I feel like in 6 months time I will really be able to see that difference financially and feel more sense of achievement.

The one negative is that I still haven't been honest with my girlfriend that my level of debt hadn't really lessened over the past year - she still thinks I'm much closer to paying it off than I am and has offered to help me pay down the last 5k or so (which I can't accept because that wouldn't actually come close to paying it down!). I feel bad about that, but I'm trying to pay it off as aggressively as I can manage so that I can get it down as soon as possible. Everything else in my relationship is going great and I know she would react very badly if I told her the truth now - I know it's probably the wrong approach but I'm really afraid of how she might react, given that I have deceived her about this kind of thing in the past.

Also, a couple of people contacted me by PM about keeping in touch regularly etc - it's nothing personal for not wanting to do that, just that this is more of a private journey for me (despite posting here!) and I doubt that I would be checking in often enough to make it worthwhile. I wish those people all the best in overcoming their gambling issues.