my verry sorry existance

[empty80]

The 2 words that sum up my 25 years here are shame and regret - but mostly shame.Basicly my only family is mom ,1 aunt, 1 cousin. Evrey1 else is bascily dead to me - weve been estranged for years . When we look at caller ID and see its them calling we ask " who is it? - they only bother to contact us when some1 has died. This happened a few months ago - My grandfather was alive for a while and in a nursing home but the incosiderate bastards I have as "family members" just called to let us know - they wanted us to be told by them 1st rather than read it in the paper. Enough rambling. My dad died of a brain tumor 8 years ago and I tend to think of myself as athesit. I god loved me he would have answered my prayers - I asked him to take me instead. What Im mostly ashamed of is myself I have never been a good student. I was kicked out of a community college I got caught cheating on a insanely hard statsits and the teacher was no help anyway but I dont dare show the school Im at now my horrible transcripts and I sure as hell know state university wont take me. Im shamed also as im so old but look so old that I have no direction I still dont know what to major in or what job I want - I just know im not a "people person" I like to stay in the background. About the regret - I regret not trying again the sport I was when I broke my arm - btw that really screwed my sorry life early. Also when I was about 12 I was molested by my "friends" dad. I told and my dad wanted to kill but I told my parents not to call the police as it was just me and him at his house I didnt think I would be believed and I didnt want to "lose" my so-called friend. Never spoken to her since b4 this happend. But he still lives down the street and whenevr he goes by my house he drives real slow and tries to look in at me. My mom told the girl and based on the "freinds" reaction mom wonders if her dad molested her too. Im having a operation on the 23rd and im hoping for complications so I can just die. Finally about my user name I have just about always feel empty inside - like im without a soul. theres just nothing in me - no passion. Sorry for ranting but I thank whoever reads this.

[moramind]

yeah, there is no god, and if there were, then he's a ###$ god damned bastard, sorry i didn't read your whole post, but i will, the meds just getting to me



edditing!!!!

ok, whatever is said, i was having a real bad say, i'm sorry

this stuff sucks, life sucks somtimes, but we gotta figure out how to see the happy, and make ourselves ok

[mary libby]

i'm depressed too, however, im absolutely sure there is a God. I know it sound chliche but it's true..he is there, he is ALWAYS there for us...even when no one else is listening to us, he is...it's like having a friend who will always be there whenever needed...he is the only one that hears what you want to say without ANY judgement....he always forgives us immediately......his love for everyone of us is inconditional regardless of what you could have done....
sure, we do not live in a paradise so yeah...lots of bad things happen, but it's not God's fault.....he does not punish people...we punish ourselves many times..there is such a thing as free will.....
of course i'm not saying that we deserve every or any tragedy that may affect us.....
also, i do believe God is perfect and we are not....therefore, there will always be lots of events we do not understand...but He knows what he is doing...everything happens for a reason which many times we do not understand at that time and after a while suddenly hits us......
i totally understand your "anger" towards him after all that has happened to you ....we all get "angry" at Him every now and then...but he doesn't get angry at us...He loves us...he understands us...
I will pray for u and trust me....He will help you!!!

[jims]

I can relate to just about everything you wrote. When I was about 25 I felt almost like you do. I want to comment on some of what you said:

The 2 words that sum up my 25 years here are shame and regret - but mostly shame.

Yes, those words have played a big part in making me crazy.

Basicly my only family is mom ,1 aunt, 1 cousin. Evrey1 else is bascily dead to me - weve been estranged for years . When we look at caller ID and see its them calling we ask " who is it? - they only bother to contact us when some1 has died. This happened a few months ago - My grandfather was alive for a while and in a nursing home but the incosiderate bastards I have as "family members" just called to let us know - they wanted us to be told by them 1st rather than read it in the paper. Enough rambling. My dad died of a brain tumor 8 years ago and I tend to think of myself as athesit.

Yes, these were bad things that happened to you. You do not have a loving family like we all want and believe that all families are. The truth is that there are not too many perfect people or families. Some have had better families then you, some have had worse. However, we can't pick our family of origin. We can't change the past. Some of us will never have the kind of family that we want and that we think we deserve. But, I too felt just as you do when I was young.

I god loved me he would have answered my prayers - I asked him to take me instead.


And what makes you so special that you can tell God what to do. Does God always answer everyone's prayers? I would guess that God has a mission for you in this life--probably not this week or this month--but maybe in 10 years. My life was hell when I was your age, but the problems I had made me strong and later allowed me to help others with the same problems.


What Im mostly ashamed of is myself I have never been a good student. I was kicked out of a community college I got caught cheating on a insanely hard statsits and the teacher was no help anyway but I dont dare show the school Im at now my horrible transcripts and I sure as hell know state university wont take me.


I had an impossible time in elementary school. I have several serious learning problems. I was often the dumbest one in the class and everyone knew it. No matter how hard I tried I just could not get certain basic subjects like writing and spelling. I eventually concentrated on what I was good at--math and science, then I found ways of learning that work for me. What I'm saying is don't give up--if you are slow in some areas, you are probably strong in others.

Im shamed also as im so old but look so old that I have no direction I still dont know what to major in or what job I want - I just know im not a "people person" I like to stay in the background.


It's OK to not be a people person. Many people take a long time to find their calling. Some of my friends are in their 50's and they say that they wonder what they are going to do when they grow up.


About the regret - I regret not trying again the sport I was when I broke my arm - btw that really screwed my sorry life early.

I beat myself up for years because I quit football in high school. It took me probably 10 years or more to get over it and forgive myself. Later, I found other sports that I did well in--running and judo.

Also when I was about 12 I was molested by my "friends" dad. I told and my dad wanted to kill but I told my parents not to call the police as it was just me and him at his house I didnt think I would be believed and I didnt want to "lose" my so-called friend. Never spoken to her since b4 this happend. But he still lives down the street and whenevr he goes by my house he drives real slow and tries to look in at me. My mom told the girl and based on the "freinds" reaction mom wonders if her dad molested her too.


Sex abuse is very common. I hope you can find someone to share your feelings with--the shame, the guilt, and rage. A key thing in sex abuse is to know that you were not at fault.

Im having a operation on the 23rd and im hoping for complications so I can just die.

I can relate to you on this one. I started to smoke in college in hopes that it would at least cut some years off my life.

Finally about my user name I have just about always feel empty inside - like im without a soul. theres just nothing in me - no passion.

My alcoholism took me to where I did not have a soul either. I was just a shell. I was afraid of everyone and everything.


Sorry for ranting but I thank whoever reads this.

Actually, I enjoyed reading your post because I could identify with just about every part. It reminded me how far I have come.

Good Luck,

Jim S

[sincefour]

empty80,

I feel badly for how you feel. jims has written you a very good response, that I hope you can consider, and take to heart.


mary libby,

sometimes I say live and let live, but when I don't it's Christians that trigger me. There is no god. If so, I would like to ask the fuc*er to his face why I should have been born to my parents that neglected and abused me and let me be sexually tortured for 3 days when I was 4 years old? There is a lot more, such as why am I bipolar? What is the test? What is the purpose? Most people with my backgrounds suffer terribly and/or are abusers, murderers, drug abusers, or suicide victims. It was a lot of luck, stubborness, and the strength in my heart and brains that kept me from going that way. You love god? you keep him, I have no use for invisible inventions out of the fertile mind of people that thought the earth was flat, and left handed people were evil, among other tripe.

Clear sight and compassion to you, for "he" will have none.

W

[jims]

sincefour,

I wrote an article about acceptance that deals with accepting our bipolar condition. It is on my web page. You may find it interesting. It was written by me a bipolar alcoholic for other bipolars.
Jim S

[Guest]

You know Jim I read what you wrote, and I feel sorry for you. I also remembered some of mine crap. I feel terrible, and feel that world is crappy place.
Is that what you wanted to happen? Was that your purpose?
What if I were your student, or any reader, is this kind of message you want to sent?- Life sucks & you give up.