Could I actually have this disorder?

[Wondering]

I doubt this'll help me much but I hate seeing doctors and I don't have health insurance.

Anyways...I've always been "different". My personality is noticeably different from everyone else's - I am a person who honestly believes that the majority of people have had their "personalities" shapen and defined only by their surrounding culture, and not by their actual selves.

There is something I have told very few people, and that I have not heard of in anyone else except...me (<sarcasm> wonderful </sarcasm>). I don't laugh very much at all. I always faked it growing up because I assumed that's what people did. (On a side note, I am starting to learn about how children think since I am currently enrolled in psychology, and one of the first stages involves "imitation" as childplay.) Once in a while I do genuinely find something funny, in which case I am laughing uncontrollably for a couple hours or so, and then still finding funny for days or perhaps weeks. I actually can be seen once in a while, thinking about something that made me or makes me laugh, and I will smile and laugh about it all to myself, out of nowhere. I've always faked it for the most part to this day, and I know that sounds weird, but hear this out: what would a person think if they cracked a joke that anyone in this world would laugh at, and when they see that I'm the one who would not, how would they think about my way of responding? They wouldn't find that a very positive response.

However, I am not just different in terms of personality. I have always lived in my own world. My world makes me very happy, and I like it in here a lot, but once in a while I do something strange. It just seems like I think and experience things differently from other people. Often times, there is confusion from other people around me because of my ways of thinking. Sometimes I'll ask a question and the answer will be like "Uh, yeah, OF COURSE..." Usually I end up realizing why it was a pointless question to ask or say, but sometimes I can't even see where my line of thinking was really all that unusual from other people's. Yet, still, people find the things I say and do weird and often are confounded.

Life is great nowadays, I'm pretty much happy all the time. Life hasn't been better before, really. But sometimes I think there might be something different about me from other people...something like BPD?

I think a lot. I often am distracted when reading because I am thinking about other things unrelated to the reading. Mostly just whatever my mind comes across. I have trouble concentrating sometimes. I often think too much, and many of my friends and family would agree. Related to BPD? I've always, always been this way. Do other people do this?

My mood swings quite a bit. Sometimes I am very happy. I am a lot more up than down. I am very good at trying to think about things that make me happy, trying to stay in a good mood all the time, etc. I'm all about maintaining good energy throughout the day. Sometimes my mood is ridiculously good, and I experience euphoria quite often. I would HATE to believe that it's a disorder and not genuine happiness.

I've had a couple occasions that may have me thinking twice about myself in terms of stability. I don't know what happened. But, for my class, there was this one time where I waited until the night before my essay was due to read an entire book and do an essay on it in one night. The book was quite easy and the writing style was very basic and simple enough to follow, but I was stressing out so hard that it wasn't happening. I yawned often throughout the whole book and was dreary-eyed, hazy, tired, etc. and wasn't exactly dreading the prospect of being through with it all. I did not absorb a word of the book at all even though I tried to read every sentence that was in there. I then tried to reward myself with some sleep, and I planned on getting up about two hours before class so I could get my essay written up and turned in.

This is where it sucked. Out of nowhere I just couldn't fall asleep. I was EXHAUSTED reading through the book, and then when I tried to go to bed I'm wide awake for the first time of the entire day? I was anxious about getting everything done. I couldn't sleep no matter what I did. It didn't happen at all. When I realized that I couldn't sleep I figured I may as well take the opportunity to get more time to do my essay. But I couldn't do it. My writing SUCKED and I had a lot of difficulty thinking of words to use. It wasn't happening at all. I managed to finally fall asleep at 11 AM or so for two hours or roughly. I didn't go to class and I figured, hey, I'll just plead my case to the teacher. Then, later that day I couldn't sleep once again. It took me all the way until 3 or 4 in the morning to fall asleep. That was pretty unimaginable. I couldn't believe my case of insomnia. Eventually I started to try and enjoy it, and then I managed to fall asleep. But it was pure hell the entire time. Although I was never feeling tired physically...

It happened again. I missed the SECOND DAY of my new class for the quarter because it happened again. And it was totally hell, once again. I was stressed out as hell, couldn't stop thinking about my class. I couldn't sleep even though there was no reasonable explanation for it, other than me stressing out perhaps. I fell asleep at 6 AM but I missed class once I did. Man, did that suck. Luckily that didn't screw me up too much.

I found that in both occasions, I was not the same. I couldn't think straight, I felt like I was much less intelligent and much less articulated, and much more anxious. I did not feel like I was myself, I felt as if I was in hell and had no idea when I was going to be getting out of it. It wasn't like I was totally out of the world or anything, and with much effort I probably would've been able to appear normal to other people, but on the inside, it ###$' SUCKED. Thank God neither occasion lasted long.

I haven't had another one of those since then but it has only been 3 or 4 weeks. The first occasion happened a long time ago (like 6 months?).

I have been battling some social anxiety for a little while but very recently it seems I have overcome it and managed to kill it altogether. I have been very relaxed lately and performing better in social situations than ever in the past. My social anxiety was irrational and I guess it just came from me not being sure of myself in social situations. This is actually a good sign since I have done well to make this no longer an issue. Do Bipolar people experience social anxiety?

I am not on any medication. I have not been diagnosed with anything (except ADD as a kid but the doctor was a ######6 idiot, I was just a bored kid who wasn't trying).

What I would like is for someone who is certain that they have Bipolar Disorder, to please perhaps tell me of what it was like when they were initially beginning to realize that something was "wrong". If I have Bipolar Disorder it hasn't quite come out yet, I think, because I am clearly not an extreme case (yet). Usually my mood is nothing to think about and there's nothing abnormal about it (I used to be pretty moody but lately I'm mostly just happy all the time.) If I am like this for the rest of my life then my problems will be pretty damn small. I'm just worried that things could become exacerbated and I have only witnessed the smallest fraction of my problems in the future.

So, if you know you have bipolar disorder, could you perhaps inform me of some experiences you went through when you were first beginning to witness the disorder taking its effect on you, or anything is helpful. How did you know you had bipolar disorder? What lead to you figuring it out?

[MSBLUE]

It could be, but I don't agree with self dx'ing.

You have many sx's of several things. The first thing you might do is check in your area for state funded programs, and have hormone tests run. Then go to a psychologist and have an evaluation done, it is very thorough. It is more of a test than a session.

It is common to be dx'd with add as a child, then develope bipolar, or the symptoms show in early adulthood. were you medicated with stimulates as a child? i.e. ritilan? If you had a hidden dx of bipolar , stimulates can lead to early sx's and psychosis. They did me.

Mood swings can be alot of things. But it COULD be mixed bipolar. There are several catagories. Without your sense of humour and social phobia, it could be anxiety driven. You really need to ask a professional.

[Wondering]

Hmm. So far I'm not liking what I've heard. Yes, I was prescribed ritalin as a kid when I had ADD. I did not take very much in my life though, and I eventually didn't even take them after a while because I didn't like it. It wasn't helping, did nothing to me. I also was prescribed Zoloft for a while.

Ritalin can lead to bipolar disorder or/and psychosis? Are you serious?

I am 20 years old btw, I don't believe I stated that in my last post. I don't know what "sx" means...?

[Wondering]

Oh...and those tests you spoke of. What exactly do they do to you, and how much do they cost? Also, come to think of it, I don't know what "dx" means either.

[MSBLUE]

Sorry bout that , dx ( diagnosis) and sx ( symptom), I used to be in nursing and the shorthand has stuck with me. I appologize.

No ritilan doesn't cause bipolar. Add resembles bipolar when we are young, because we don't know how to express our moods, all they(the docs ) see is behavior and attention problems. When anger means sadness in children, and attention is that we are thinking too much. So thus the ritilan. also out hyperactivity is a form of mild young mania and is misdx'd.

Stimulates aggrevate bipolar, and later it shows , the ritilan is a drug, that is meant to calm, or opposition medication. But in the bipolar it stimulates. It only helps with the depression when we are young, so they feel they are making a breakthru. At least that is what happened to me, and I hd my first episode at 17. Woops wrong meds!!! Then I got hooked on speed. I started hallucinating and hearing things, and hitchhicked to California, I'm in Mo. Once off the speed, my psychosis subsided. And I got proper treatment. And a proper dx.

[Wondering]

I appreciate the replies. Let me just make sure I'm with ya.

If someone has bipolar disorder and they are prescribed ritalin as a kid, the ritalin should cause symptoms (or sx) of bipolar disorder prematurely? As in, if the symptoms didn't happen as a result of ritalin, my chances are pretty good? I don't even know what the drug does to other people, but I know ritalin did nothing to me.

[MSBLUE]

Yes, that is what I am implying, but some can have both add, and bipolar. It is important to have a thorough dx, and a second opinion.

If ritilan didn't make your system speed up, then it may be appropriate for you.

[Wondering]

I don't ever actually remember ritalin doing anything to me at all. I was 10 or 11 I believe. I don't remember any real or noticeable effects that I could notice from my end. Occasionally my teacher would say something like "I suppose he speaks in class more" but there wasn't any real progress and my grades certainly did not improve. I don't believe my behavior changed at all.

[Guest]

Hello Wonderful Wonderer,

I'm reluctantly coming to accept that I have Bipolar Disorder. I was 'diagnosed' about a year and half ago, and I've had noticeable problems for just over four years.

I have a 'soft' disorder in comparison to some of the severe cases you can read about. I have never been hospitalised or delusional.

What I would like is for someone who is certain that they have Bipolar Disorder, to please perhaps tell me of what it was like when they were initially beginning to realize that something was "wrong". If I have Bipolar Disorder it hasn't quite come out yet, I think, because I am clearly not an extreme case (yet). Usually my mood is nothing to think about and there's nothing abnormal about it (I used to be pretty moody but lately I'm mostly just happy all the time.) If I am like this for the rest of my life then my problems will be pretty damn small. I'm just worried that things could become exacerbated and I have only witnessed the smallest fraction of my problems in the future.

So, if you know you have bipolar disorder, could you perhaps inform me of some experiences you went through when you were first beginning to witness the disorder taking its effect on you, or anything is helpful. How did you know you had bipolar disorder? What lead to you figuring it out?

The psychiatrists did not start to suspect that I had Bipolar Disorder until I had experienced dramatic emotional changes over several years. It could really take me a long time to describe my experiences, but I will try telling my story. Here goes:


In my early teens I was miserable! I had a bleak outlook on life and found pleasure only in distracting myself with computer games, films, smoking, drinking, and (bizzarely) computer programming. When I was about 16, I was prescribed Prozac for a 'post viral syndrome', and after about 6 months my mood lifted and I started to become much more active and outgoing. At this time I met a girl, whom I fell passionately in love with, and who absorbed my thoughts almost completely for about three years. But, when I was 20, she left me for another guy, and I was devastated.

Weeks passed, and months passed, I still couldn't sleep properly ... it usually took me many hours to fall asleep despite being physically shattered or I would remain awake all night and not sleep until the following day. When I did sleep it was broken and I'd have horrific nightmares ... After six months I was in a bad state! I was deeply, deeply miserable. I won't try to find words to express the depth of self-hatred and desolation that I felt, because I just don't think it's possible to convey. I went to see the doctor quite early on, and I was drugged up on one antidepressent after another, all of which had side effects.

I continually found it incredibly difficult to control my sleep, managing either only a few hours at a time or sleeping for incredibly long periods. Eventually I realised that I couldn't continue my university degree, even though the previous year I was almost top of the class, by this point I couldn't think straight and I certainly couldn't study.

On reflection I felt a very strange mental block, I just kept repeating the same incoherent chain of thought over and over again ... a sort of recursive, self-reinforcing semi-conscious self-hatred.

The only thing that (just) prevented me from killing myself was the realisation that it would devastate my parents. During this time I knew that I could potentially recover, but this prospect is not very reassuring when every minute you live is excruciating and everything you have done in the past seems so futile and worthless. I thought about killing my parents too, perhaps by staging some sort of elaborate 'accident', but I knew I couldn't really do it. I resolved to go on living until my parents had 'passed away' naturally.

Eventually I got my sleep under control through a lot of pills and a rigorous course of routine and exercise. I got a job and moved to another city, my life changed and I met a lot of new people. I was still pretty low, but I thought I had returned to my natural state -- a miserable git. I stopped taking medication and absorbed myself in work again.

In fact I was still depressed, but this time only moderately, and I carried on for about six months. I have a few very vivid memories from this time, and although I didn't realise I was depressed, I can see on reflection that the signs were very clear. All of these things can only be viewed in perspective, and I have come to realise that mood is not a simple thing that can dropped into clear categories. Instead there is (some suggest) a spectrum of emotion, that I had moved along from a major to a moderate condition.

Whilst I was moderately depressed I experienced a similar sort of knotted thinking pattern, and although I was able to consciously suppress these thoughts, they were always weighing on (and clouding) my mind. At night I had a habit of keeping myself awake and doing nothing but sitting and staring into space, sometimes for hours, not contemplating anything, but just experiencing this strange repetitive feeling of self-hatred. I remember finding this strangely compelling, I felt almost a sick sense of indulgence whilst I was hating myself -- I don't know if anyone else can associate with this.

One weekend I suddenly snapped, and dragged myself to the hospital emergency department ... I don't really know why, I was just overwhelmed with a sudden desperation. They told me that I was still clearly depressed, and urged me to see a psychiatrist. I accepted and they put me straight onto antidepressants again.

This time the medication worked very well! ... in fact, a bit too well. I can't clearly remember the chain of events, but I very gradually became more positive and cheerful. I had always lived my life with the goal of achieving the utmost happiness, and now I was feeling better than ever. I had absolutely no idea that I was becoming hypomanic. I threw away most of my old clothes and bought a whole new wardrobe, with several loud, colourful, flamboyant clothes. I started listening to upbeat music, and loving all of it. I was talking a lot, making huge todo lists, I bought a spare mobile phone & a pocket pc -- given my usual introversion, disorganisation, tiny budget and previously miserly nature, this was all quite out of character. My previous knotted thinking pattern suddenly disappeared, and I felt instantly librerated. I thought that I was in a 'normal' happy state and I reflected how wonderful the rest of my life could be ... I didn't realise it would soon get worse.

My friends and colleagues obviously noticed the change, and some of them started to express a bit of concern. My psychiatrist also saw the change and warned me about the potential risks, but kept me on the antidepressants, because (they say) it is best to continue for several months after you recover from depression.

Then, suddenly, my landlady told me she had sold the flat I was living in and because I had no official contract I had to move within a fortnight. Because I had no been warned about spending money extravagantly, I looked for a low budget flat. I found a place in a really cheap area, thought it was fantastic, and enthusiastically signed a one year contract without having met most of the other housemates. At this time I was sleeping very little, only needing a few hours a night, and I felt absolutely pumped up, as if I was charged with adrenaline, as though I could feel the blood pumping through my veins and energy surging through my body. But one morning I woke up with my heart pounding hard against my chest and I knew that something was wrong, so I called the psychiatrist and they promptly eased me off the medication.

Two weeks later I was living with a junky who smoked profusely in a dangerous tower block with a drug dealer downstairs, hours away from where I actually worked. I felt that I had made an idiot of myself in front of my colleagues, and I thought that all of the positive emotions I had felt were nothing more than a medication induced high. Needless to say, I was pretty miserable...

And so my story continues, and will (possibly) continue to do so, with my mind raging between one problem and another. But, as I said at the beginning, I am only gradually accepting that my experiences are characteristic of Bipolar Disorder. I have refused to take medication for the last five months, but tomorrow I have an appointment and I will have to ask for help again ... I really can't explain why this happens to me now, given that I have a loving girlfriend, a (potentially) good job, all the money I need (which isn't much), lots of friends, opportunities, freedom and independence ... but that my problems appear to defy reason does start to persuade me that I have a disorder with deeper roots, beyond my conscious awareness.

I think the classifications that psychiatrists use are just part of a model that helps for clinical treatment purposes. Even the diagnosis of 'Bipolar Disorder' is simply a way for doctors to treat patients, and help them to reintegrate into social norms. The funny thing about mental disorders is that they are largely defined in respect to social standards.

From your posts I get the impression that you are seeking a diagnosis to either explain your problems or to help you cope ... unfortunately I don't think that you will find consolation in being labelled as Bipolar. This disorder, like many other mental disorders, is not well understood. There is some convincing scientific research, but it is pretty superficial and inconclusive on the scale of things. At present the only way to diagnose someone as Bipolar is to observe their frame of mind and their thought patterns over the course of several years, and even then the treatment process involves a lot of experimentation with different drugs and therapies. Nonetheless, IMO, if you have problems that are causing you distress, it is altogether better to see a professional than to diagnose yourself.

I have visited several mental hospitals and a self help group where I've met people in a far worse state than me. I suspect that some of them compounded their problems by thinking far too much about their 'disorders' and 'illnesses' rather than striving to achieve good 'mental fitness'.

I suspect that if you spend your time thinking about being Bipolar you could do far more harm than good, whether you have the disorder or not! If you want to cultivate good thought patterns and avoid all the misery and anxiety that Bipolar can bring, then it's probably better to do more creative and rewarding things than exploring the numerous symptoms of the huge variety of 'mental disorders'.

Best Wishes,
Mark