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My husband has lost his mind and I don't know what to do!

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My husband has lost his mind and I don't know what to do!

Postby kampoc » Thu Aug 31, 2017 11:18 pm

My husband stopped talking to me over 5 months ago and we live IN THE SAME HOUSE!! Whenever we argue, he shuts down and goes to stay in the guestroom not talking to me for days..sometimes weeks if I let it get that far. I usually end up going to him and initiating a conversation and apologizing for something I didn't do to settle things. Since this has become a habit for him, I told him the last time he did it, I would not come to him again...so here we are.
We have been married for 13 years and together for 15. Two years ago, we almost divorced for much of the same things that are going on right now...the lack of intimacy, childish behavior, sarcasm, passive-aggression, gas-lighting, stonewalling, problems with alcohol and spending money, cheating, lying...we didn't speak for 3 months that time. And just like that time, I have emailed him many times to find out what is going on with him. His response is always one or two words, if anything. He doesn't have the balls to tell me to my face that he wants a divorce, let alone by email. I can only assume it at this point.
Two years ago, when we were going through reconciliation, he confessed to me that he had had 2 more affairs that I didn't know about (bringing it to a total of 4 women). All of these affairs were long-time emotional affairs in which he told lies about me and our relationship and professed his love for them. One of them turned into a sexual affair. He told me that none of them really meant anything to him and that he was just using them for an ego boost because he has really low self-esteem and a poor self image. He also admitted to being a sex addict and being addicted to porn, which explained why our sex life was non-existent. He would always watch porn at night and talk to women online, then make up excuses not to have sex with me, which you can imagine did horrible things to my self-esteem. He admitted to being a compulsive liar. He said that it started in his childhood where he would lie to his parents and quickly became a habit. He lies about things he doesn't even need to lie about...stupid things. For instance, one year around Christmas we had a really heavy snowfall. In the morning, I asked him if he shoveled because it didn't look like he did. He said he did. However, he didn't know that the night before the wind had blown over a little decorated tree we had on the porch. If he shoveled, he would have had to pick up this tree. I asked him again if he was sure that he shoveled. He swore up and down he did and got angry that I was accusing him of lying. So, then I told him that the night before I saw the tree but didn't pick it up because it was super cold...then he finally admits to lying and says he just did it because he knew I would be mad. These small lies happen all of the time. So do the really big ones (like cheating). I have learned over the years to collect evidence because, if I don't, he will gas-light me and turn things around making me seem like I'm crazy. He will swear I am imagining things or I am the one who is lying. He also admitted to being passive-aggressive, which I already knew was true. He will get angry or jealous or just plain lazy about doing something. Instead of talking to me about it, he will do things behind my back to get back at me. The affairs started this way. But, he will also purposely not keep his promises, or completely break things that I ask him to fix. He knows he needs help with this issue, but not enough to do anything about it. I had to take over doing the finances because he is really bad about spending money on things we can't afford. Over the years, he has taken us to financial ruin many times. We have had to move in with different members of his family because we have lost our apartment on several occasions. We even had to move to another state and start our lives over because we lost everything. During the reconciliation, he also admitted to having a problem with alcohol and promised to stop (didn't happen). I injured my back and had to have surgery that ended up making matters worse (another really long story). When I was in pre-op, he was more concerned about his truck that broke down in the parking lot, than being there for me. Even after the surgery in my room, he wasn't there mentally...I really needed him, but he couldn't wait to leave to see about his truck. We discussed his lack of empathy over the years in great detail during reconciliation....also the lack of intimacy. We pretty much had a sexless marriage (only a few times a year during the entire marriage). He swore up and down he was going to change and didn't want to lose me or his family. He promised me that he would never lie to me again and was going to live his life by “undefended honesty” (something he picked up in a self help book). Even though he put me through so much $#%^ over the years, I stood by him, even forgiving him for the affairs. We had been to this point on many occasions during the (11 years at that point). We even tried couples counseling. At that point, I didn't want to throw it all away either. So, we moved back in together and called off the divorce. Like an idiot I believed that he would change. He made so many promises to seek help and become a better person. It wasn't long before things were back to the way they had always been. He did go to counseling, however...for 2 sessions. He said the counselor said he was not a sex addict and didn't need help.
So, over the last year, things have been slowly going downhill. At first, I thought that maybe he was going through a mid-life crisis or depression or something. We had his testosterone checked and he was put on medication. That still didn't change things in the bedroom. I thought that maybe he was watching porn again. He swore he wasn't. Little by little he was pushing me away and wouldn't talk about it, which led to fights. I told him that we were going to end up back in that place like before again..he swore he would never let that happen. Then the childish behavior started. Sarcasm, stuff like that. Yelling at the animals... He also started playing video games on his phone all day (even at work and I worried that it may affect his job) and hanging out with "friends" half his age or younger. It seemed like maybe a coping mechanism or a way to escape, at the time. He stopped helping me with things around the house and became angry if I asked for help. If he does do anything, he half-asses it so I don't ask him again and do it myself. It seems that somewhere along the way, he just checked out of the marriage and family and stopped appreciating his life and the things he had....and always wanted something more to make himself happy (materialistic things). He says that I control him and don't appreciate or respect him, which isn't true. We started getting into fights about his selfish immature behavior. After which, he would pout like a teenager and lock himself in the guest room for days not speaking to me until I initiated a conversation to end it. But even after I thought we worked it out, there would be these passive aggressive things he would do to me such as withholding himself from me physically and emotionally as punishment, which makes me feel horrible about myself like I don't deserve his affection. Or, he would make me feel like I am crazy...telling me it's all in my head. We talked about this many times and he agreed that it was a selfish and immature way to handle things. It drove me crazy not talking to him. It felt emotionally abusive. Yet, he still continued to do it.  I didn't understand what was happening. I asked him to go to therapy, but he refused. He said he could handle it himself and bought a couple of self-help books that he didn't finish reading. When I agreed to try again, I had certain boundaries for myself. He agreed that he would not lie to me anymore or hide anything and I would have access to his phone and emails. He has always had access to everything of mine. We agreed that a married couple should not hide anything from each other. Plus, I didn't trust him and that was something he needed to earn back. Now 2 years later, he views this as control. Yet, he knows where I am at all times, tracks me on his phone and watches me during the day on surveillance cameras. He works, I handle the home and finances. It has been like that for 13 years. We both agreed that we would save money and not live above our means. He has never forgiven himself to this day for what he perceives as his fault for what happened when we lost everything (however, I don't blame him and he knows that). Part of this agreement was to not have any credit cards. In the last 6 months, he has opened 2 credit card accounts despite this agreement and without my consent....one of which, I do not have access to. He knows that this is a boundary issue, yet he does it anyway....almost like he is trying to sabotage things. I do absolutely everything for him, so I thought that maybe the problem was that I am mothering him too much. And maybe if I stopped doing so much for him, he would be forced to take care of himself and do some things on his own (picking up after himself,  doing his laundry, etc.), and maybe that would stop some of the lack of appreciation he has for me. Maybe he would grow up a little.... I was wrong. It just made him retaliate even more. He thinks that because he has a job, he shouldn't have to do anything else. It wasn't always this way. This routine has continued for some time now.  I told him that if he goes to the guest room and stonewalls me one more time, that I am not coming to him the next time he does it. We haven't spoken for 5 months now, except for a few texts and emails about house stuff (I have tried to get something, anything out of him...even if it's a fight, but his replies are just "ok", "got it" etc...complete indifference). He seems to be having the time of his life...golfing every day he has off with those young friends. He has taken no responsibility for the things that need to be done around the house, yet will go out of his way to do things for these people when they need help. It's just video games, drinking and watching TV.  He stopped wearing his wedding ring, too...like he has already divorced me and is living as a single man. I'm not sure if he is having an affair. He goes to the guest room from the moment he gets home until he leaves for work. He doesn't even come out to say goodnight to his son.. We have cameras downstairs that I am using to see which of my cats are peeing on the floor and sofa. I see him constantly running back and forth to the laundry room to grab beers from the fridge when he knows no one is around. He also hides bottles of liquor in his room. I know he just sits in that room getting drunk because the laundry room trash is full of empty cans and bottles everyday. Also, on the home cameras, I can see that as soon as I leave, he comes out of his room and runs around the house going through everything and when he hears me coming back, he runs back to his room. It's very childish behavior. Mysteriously, my 12 year old lost (or had stolen) $100 from his room. He was saving it for some bowling balls he needed for his bowling league. On Mother's Day and my birthday, he didn't say a word. For some reason I thought he might come out of it, but he didn't. I bought him some self-help books and put them in his room, but he didn't say anything. A few months ago, I was in his room and found what looked like a suicide note. I talked to his dad and asked him to talk to him. After they spoke, his dad sent me a text saying that he didn't think he was depressed or going through a mid-life crisis and was not suicidal...”it's just one of those things.” I now see that he lied to him about what is really going on. I sent an email to my husband and his response was that he wrote that letter to see if I was snooping in his room. I wasn't buying it, nor that he told me the gun hidden under his bed was for his protection FROM ME! After that, I convinced him to go to therapy (by email) or I was going to call the cops on him about the note and gun. He agreed to go. At first, I thought this must be a mid-life crisis, but I started doing some research to try to figure out what was happening with him. The more I read about Borderline Personality Disorder and people's stories about what it's like to live with someone with this disorder, the more clear things started to become. All of his actions line up perfectly.
In the last 5 months he has been on a smear campaign turning family and friends against me. We live in a very small town and everybody knows everybody's business. He is twisting everything around telling people that I'm doing everything to him that he is doing to me...and more! (lies and rumors get back to me and my son) He has maxed out the credit cards and gotten us into debt over $17,000 just in the last 5 months! He is completely out of control. Yesterday he went to work like any normal day but instead of coming home, he hopped on a plane to California. He didn't say a word to me. I am livid right now. I feel like I'm going crazy. I can only assume divorce is the next step. And I feel paranoid as to what he has planned. Because of my back injury, I am completely dependent on him for financial support. I received a settlement last year that I sunk into our home and a new truck for him. If I would have known he was going to do this to me again, I would have never spent the money. But, now I can't get out of the marriage without losing my home that I spent all of this money and hard work on. And, I have no means to support myself. The state that I live in is a community state. We have to split everything 50/50, including this debt. There isn't enough equity in the home to cover the debt either. It's so unfair that I would even be responsible for it anyway! I have spoken with an attorney and I would get very little for child support and no alimony, even though he makes really good money. The courts do not care that I can't work and they will not take in consideration all of the money I spent because it became community money when I commingled it. I can only assume he is lying to the therapist he is seeing. It seems as though she is encouraging this behavior. His family must be, for him to just up and leave to California. Things have gotten dramatically worse since seeing her. The spending is worse and so is his behavior. I was in his room yesterday (when I noticed he went to California) looking for answers... He is now on Xanax (real nice to prescribe to an alcoholic). He had papers from the therapist saying he is ODD. I looked it up and it is often mistaken for BPD. And, the papers said he is depressed and has anxiety. (Yet his dad swore he was NOT depressed...hmm) His statement said that he wants to “do right by his son “ and doesn't see a way to get out of his marriage. Wow. How can someone counsel a married man and not ask get his wife's side of the story? She has no idea the hell this man is putting me through. She says he needs to seek support from family and friends...more like play victim and get sympathy from family and friends. Meanwhile, I have no support from anyone. I moved 700 miles away from my friends and family and he is back there right now turning those very people against me. I am having a really hard time keeping it together right now for me and my son. I am at a loss as what to do.
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Re: My husband has lost his mind and I don't know what to do!

Postby SilverRain » Mon Sep 11, 2017 3:01 pm

Would you qualify for Disability?
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Re: My husband has lost his mind and I don't know what to do!

Postby realityhere » Thu Sep 14, 2017 1:07 am

So many red flags left and right, whoa. I'm sorry for what you're going through.

Regardless of what you believe is an appropriate mental disorder label for your husband, this isn't really the crux of your post here. The major problem is that you have enabled his behavior to some extent, forgiving his affairs and financial excesses, for examples, for a long time. The husband seems to have split you black a long time ago, because you keep pointing out his failures.

It does take two to tango-- a PD, whatever it may be, doesn't exist in a vacuum all by itself. I understand you're going thru a tough period in your life, but it may help that you seek some counseling for yourself instead and turn the focus away from him back on YOU. It's not an easy thing to turn the finger around and back onto yourself, but healing is not going to happen when you focus all your anger and frustrations onto others, it may be more constructive instead to reflect on why you allow your boundaries to be overrun again and again. It goes back to what initially attracted you to him and him to you, and the family dynamics you both grew up with. Yes, it does go that far back and it can cause painful deja vu, but once you realize this synergy in your marital relationship, you will understand YOURself better and recognize why you attracted such ppl into your life.

Best of luck to you~
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