Borderline married to a narcissist? Has anyone been in this situation?
I've heard it's pretty common. I am undiagnosed, but have many characteristics of BPD; my husband shows lots of signs of NPD. We have a not-very-good marriage (both our faults) but we are unable to improve the marriage or get out. We are stuck.
I've done some research and found it amazing that we met and bonded/fell in love because of our similarly troubled childhoods. I've learned there is a term for this and it's called traumatic bonding. The problem is, we don't really bond about very much else. We have two kids and a nice circle of friends that are unaware how troubled and crazy our marriage is. But we need to fix this for the kids. Either fix it or end it. But we're both totally nuts... so that's the problem.
Our relationship seems to work best when I'm having a real bpd meltdown involving panic attacks, nervous breakdowns, tears, tantrums, etc... ("I'm dying!!!! You don't love me!!!!). He does a great job being my knight in shining armor who makes everything alright. He seems to relish this role.
But when he's not "saving me" he's verbally abusive, he withdraws, he rages and makes me feel like crap for just existing. Then he tells me how much he loves me.
I feel like I hate him so much some times I feel like I'm dying... but I feel like if he leaves me, I'll die too.
Last night we got into a horrible fight because he started being abusive to our daughter for just annoying him. She kept kicking the sofa so he picked her up really violently and sat her down hard and yelled at her for "trying to get attention" and being "manipulative." My daughter, who is almost 8, started crying (the scared and humilated cry) so I defended her and told her he was wrong. He got mad because I challenged his "parenting." I told him to leave and he stormed out of the house. He's been out all night. This kind of stuff happens almost every day now. Actually, our relationship has always been this way
I really want peace is my life, but I feel like I'll never get it as long as I'm married to him. But as soon as he leaves, I call him, text him, tell him I'm sorry, tell him to come back, etc...
I've been in therapy before, but I never saw the value in it. I'm getting a T who is proficient in bpd and DBT techniques, so hopefully I'll be able to make some progress and get a little control. But it seems the only way we will keep our family intact is if he recognizes his NPD characteristics (which he will never do, ha ha!).
Thanks for reading. I'd love input