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BPD/NPD marriage?

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BPD/NPD marriage?

Postby blacklab » Sat Jul 27, 2013 6:50 pm

Borderline married to a narcissist? Has anyone been in this situation?

I've heard it's pretty common. I am undiagnosed, but have many characteristics of BPD; my husband shows lots of signs of NPD. We have a not-very-good marriage (both our faults) but we are unable to improve the marriage or get out. We are stuck.

I've done some research and found it amazing that we met and bonded/fell in love because of our similarly troubled childhoods. I've learned there is a term for this and it's called traumatic bonding. The problem is, we don't really bond about very much else. We have two kids and a nice circle of friends that are unaware how troubled and crazy our marriage is. But we need to fix this for the kids. Either fix it or end it. But we're both totally nuts... so that's the problem.

Our relationship seems to work best when I'm having a real bpd meltdown involving panic attacks, nervous breakdowns, tears, tantrums, etc... ("I'm dying!!!! You don't love me!!!!). He does a great job being my knight in shining armor who makes everything alright. He seems to relish this role.

But when he's not "saving me" he's verbally abusive, he withdraws, he rages and makes me feel like crap for just existing. Then he tells me how much he loves me.

I feel like I hate him so much some times I feel like I'm dying... but I feel like if he leaves me, I'll die too.

Last night we got into a horrible fight because he started being abusive to our daughter for just annoying him. She kept kicking the sofa so he picked her up really violently and sat her down hard and yelled at her for "trying to get attention" and being "manipulative." My daughter, who is almost 8, started crying (the scared and humilated cry) so I defended her and told her he was wrong. He got mad because I challenged his "parenting." I told him to leave and he stormed out of the house. He's been out all night. This kind of stuff happens almost every day now. Actually, our relationship has always been this way :oops:

I really want peace is my life, but I feel like I'll never get it as long as I'm married to him. But as soon as he leaves, I call him, text him, tell him I'm sorry, tell him to come back, etc...

I've been in therapy before, but I never saw the value in it. I'm getting a T who is proficient in bpd and DBT techniques, so hopefully I'll be able to make some progress and get a little control. But it seems the only way we will keep our family intact is if he recognizes his NPD characteristics (which he will never do, ha ha!).

Thanks for reading. I'd love input :D
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Re: BPD/NPD marriage?

Postby msangeedepp » Sun Jul 28, 2013 5:00 am

I was engaged to a Narc and I moved three states away to be safe..

It is not a good place to be in and will only get worse
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Re: BPD/NPD marriage?

Postby orion13213 » Sun Jul 28, 2013 8:50 pm

But it seems the only way we will keep our family intact is if he recognizes his NPD characteristics (which he will never do, ha ha!).

Even when they indicate negative results, I always find it personally inspiring to find and pick out what I call an "encountering reality statement:" an essential, gut-level, bare-bones-to-the-wall perception. That sort of mental algorithm that runs and directs healthy human lives, at their most basic level.

You could try again to get him to join you in an effort to make a more healthy marriage and environment, for the both of you, and your daughter (like LittleArcher, I am concerned for her as well).

But if he refuses, I would consider it as a sort of indirect abandonment of you and your daughter, on his part. Sometimes a trial separation can flip a switch in a man's mind (?).

Consult further with your T, and/or a marriage counselor. Hold back nothing.
Be tolerant of others, but true to yourself. In supporting you, I try to offer common sense. PM me if you need to.
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Re: BPD/NPD marriage?

Postby masquerade » Mon Jul 29, 2013 2:39 pm

I'm also concerned about your daughter, and her safety has to be paramount here, above all else.

It sounds as if this situation has become intolerable, and I'm strongly of the opinion that you need to be thinking of safe ways to get out of the situation. Is there a Domestic Violence Service in your area? If so, please contact them for advice and support. You and your children deserve to live in a healthy, non toxic environment.

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Re: BPD/NPD marriage?

Postby MsAmberJade » Tue Aug 13, 2013 7:34 am

Yes, my husband is BPD and I'm NPD. It's a very toxic combination, and very addictive. Neither of us knew when we got married, but over the course of attempting to find out why he acted the way he did,
I ended up getting diagnosed with NPD by a therapist. We fight like cats and dogs, very heated fights, and over the littlest things. I do love him, however I feel like I can't do it anymore.
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Re: BPD/NPD marriage?

Postby xdude » Tue Aug 13, 2013 11:54 am

This is an article about the dynamics of NPD/BPD relationship -

(though it refers to the female BPD, male NPD case, it might apply to a degree to the reverse as well)
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