Weed/synthetics and my catch-22. Advice?

So, a little bit about me: I'm 19, in college, and I suffer from depression on a varying scale of severity. I'm being medicated for it, but the medication I'm on only does so much. Most of the time it's under control nowadays, but I can't tell if that's to do with the medication or other things. More on that in a minute. Basically, I get these episodes where I basically want to stop living. I have had issues with cutting before, and I'm still trying to kick that habit for good. It's hard, though, because I have a self destructive streak and I tend to turn all my anger and depression in on myself. I can't control my environment, but I can control my own body, and I have done terrible things to it to achieve that control. Even when I'm not in the middle of an episode, there's still an omnipresent feeling of self-loathing. I hate my body, I hate my personality, and I have had times in my life when I'm only living because it's expected of me.

I first smoked weed my first semester of college. It was a curiosity thing, and honestly, it didn't really impress me that much. It wasn't until the fifth or sixth time I smoked that I really experienced a high. And I discovered something disturbing-- weed works better than any antidepressant I've ever taken. It makes me forget that I hate myself for a while and it allows me to not give a hoot about any drama that's going on in my life. I planned to stop over the summer, but instead I started using synthetics. I know it's bad for me. It plays havoc with my memory and eats up huge chunks of my time, to say nothing of the heath consequences it will eventually have if I don't stop. But there's nothing else that will just switch off my brain like that. If I smoke before bed, I sleep much better and don't have my omnipresent anxiety nightmares, and I'm not dog tired the next day (which I used to be, despite getting 8+ hours of sleep).

So it's a bit of a catch-22. These drugs are terrible for me, and I'm still not sure this isn't another form of self-mutilation. But they help me sleep, they keep me from cutting, and they generally improve my outlook on life. I know I have a problem, but if I quit, all my old problems will come right back.

I would just like some advice. Help, anyone?

Hey remscarlet,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time!

Aside from medication, have you had any type of talk therapy to address your depression?

remscarlet wrote:Even when I'm not in the middle of an episode, there's still an omnipresent feeling of self-loathing. I hate my body, I hate my personality, and I have had times in my life when I'm only living because it's expected of me.

The self-loathing is likely a result of some negative core beliefs. They're pretty hard to pin-point and usually require a good therapist who knows how to work at exposing them.

I had a hard time giving up weed because it had the same type of effect on me. The cares disappeared along with the self loathing. Sobering up long enough to take a look around and notice all the problems usually meant scrambling really fast to get high again.

It's hard to replace the feeling weed provides. Other methods of relieving depression don't touch the cannabinoid receptors. Dopamine is a pretty good one to aim at increasing and you can achieve a surge of dopamine by vigorous exercise. Endorphins are also released by exercise. Self injury releases endorphins too so maybe try exercising hard next time instead of injuring yourself.

There's no perfect advice to give about this. I think if you chip away at the problem gradually and be forgiving with yourself, all the small things will add up to positive change. It took me a really long time to be sober and happy because I had come to believe the two couldn't go together.

I hope you're able to feel better soon.

This is called "self medicating" and I do it too.

I think it would be good if you could talk to the doctor who prescribes your antidepressants about this. If your doctor is lame and you don't feel you can confide in him/her, at least tell the doctor your antidepressants are inadequate. Something else to consider: getting stoned can change the efficacy of your prescribed meds.

You mentioned self-loathing, which is interesting to me because that was exactly what gave me the determination to quit smoking, myself. I had many peers who really looked down on me for doing it. It's difficult to hide because of the smell, and you are running the risk of getting in legal trouble if you get caught. That concern eventually overwhelmed me and killed whatever satisfaction I got from smoking. It can end up negatively affecting your relationships and your future work opportunities.

I'm just sharing this because it might help convince you to stop, too. But if you feel like cutting and getting stoned would prevent it, obviously have a smoke since it's the lesser of two evils. Please be careful, and good luck managing your depression. I know it sucks but I don't really have advice on fixing that problem.