Non-DID friends & problems in life

Hi there y'all.

I've been thinking about this since I had a talk with non-DID friend of mine yesterday... She doesn't know anything about my past, only that I have no contact with our a-parents (doesn't know about adoption either). And we got kinda upset after she succeeded to trigger us and practically BELITTLED our feelings! Accidentally of course but when I compare her to other DID-friends of us, I can see that she's amazingly childish and has very limited view of life.

F*ck this sh*t... I feel that we can ONLY have so limited amount of friends and they have to be EXACTLY suited for our needs in order to make us feel good. =/ Am I terrible for feeling like that? I know people are different but she's REALLY pushing our buttons at times!!! Being a self-righteous pr*ck and not understanding others having feelings at all... People F***NG EXPERIENCE THINGS DIFFERENTLY AND JUST BECAUSE I DON'T DO THINGS LIKE SHE DOES, IT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I'M F**NG WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It f**ng hurts...to hear that again...

trigger

So who's right in here? Me or our "friend?" I just want to kick the sh*t out her and drown her to her own bloody guts...

Hi Adameil,

*safe hugs if wanted*

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with your friend. Do you think if you met her and told her you wanted to discuss something very serious she would be up for that? Perhaps you could tell her how what she's doing is hurting your feelings. It might be that she doesn't even realize how callow she's being because the things you've talked about haven't been an issue for her. I know sometimes it's hard for us, even among each other, to understand another's point of view.

I know with other people who didn't know about our DID it was very confusing to them when they would accidentally trigger someone else or trigger a panic attack over something that to them, seemed inconsequential. I'm definitely not suggesting that you go out and tell everyone about your DID, but I've tried to tell close friends so that they know why we act the way we do sometimes. For the most part, people have been understanding,and those who haven't don't need to be in contact with us (even though that's the hardest part for me!)

Good luck!
-E

*safe hugs if wanted*
I'm sorry you're having a tough time with this, Adameil. I've had tough times like these with many of my friends. Can you maybe explain how you feel when she says certain stuff without explaining why? I did that with some of my friends. Like, I have a huge problem with people telling me to calm down when I'm not calm (because I feel like they're telling me I don't have a reason to be upset, because that's what it meant when it was used in the house I grew up in). So I started telling my friends, "When I'm upset, don't tell me to calm down. It'll just make me even more upset. I just don't like it because it makes me feel like people are saying I should be calm, when I have every right to be upset". I've had some friends say, "Yeah, but we don't mean it like that, so why can't you be ok with it?" To that, I respond, "We all have things we don't like. This is one of mine, like a pet peeve. I know that you don't mean it that way, but when I'm upset, it still comes off as being meant that way because, well, I'm upset and not thinking clearly". They usually understand that and drop the issue, as well as respect it by not telling me to calm down anymore. Could you perhaps do something similar? Be like, "When you say this, it makes me feel this way", you don't necessarily have to explain why, or if you do, you don't have to go in-depth.

Is there any way for you to explain some of your views to her? Like, maybe tell her that it seems like ("seems" is the keyword- it puts it in your point of view, not as a fact), sometimes she doesn't understand that different people react to things differently, and that they handle things in different ways? Can you tell her that she seems to think that you're "wrong" even though you're simply doing things differently from her, and that's not "wrong"? (Only if you're comfortable with this, of course).

You're definitely not terrible for feeling this way. It's perfectly natural to feel that friends have to be suited for your needs, especially to make you feel good. I know that Shay feels a million times better around people who already know about how she behaves, so they aren't ever surprised or taken off guard by any of her tics. And I know that we feel a million times better around people who know about our DID, or who at least know about our triggers (like, if anyone's going to be sick, they know they better be FAR away from me), because they know how to interact with us, and it's so much easier to relax and not have to be on-guard or having to rationalize stuff all the time (like reminding yourself "hey, they don't realize what they're saying, they don't know how that makes us feel, so don't bite their head off"). It's not like it's just people with DID who feel that way or who want friends that "fit their needs". "Normal" people do the same thing- they look for friends who won't accidentally get on their nerves, or step on their toes, or anything like that. It's just hard to find that balance of "I realize this is my issue, and I don't want to make it your issue, but it'd be nice if you were careful of this when you're able to be" (I tend to be more lenient on people if they're upset or obviously not thinking clearly due to stress or something).

Adameil wrote:she succeeded to trigger us and practically BELITTLED our feelings!

Invalidation is still invalidation, no matter what is being invalidated. Your feelings are what they are, you are entitled to have them, and it is not for anyone else to belittle you for having them.

Everyone finds that in their life it is good to reduce or end some relationships in order to have more time and energy for other, more satisfying relationships. In a situation like this, you don't even have to disclose anything about yourself. It may help to just tell your friend you felt hurt by her reaction to your feelings. See how she responds to that. If her response pleases you, you may choose to get closer to her again; if it does not please you, you may want to withdraw from her.

Hi LittleRedDogToo, Tomboy24 and Una+!

Thank you SO, SO MUCH for your replies! That is exactly what I needed right now! ^_^ We're not certainly crazy but still, of course, there are parts that want to attack her, that want to brush it off by thinking that it didn't hurt us, that want to strangle her and so on and so on.

It really is our WEAKEST point of dealing with human relationships. It's so easy for us to cut all the connections after ONE MISTAKE. Especially if that mistake is crucial for our well being and if it hurts us very badly... I guess that there's nothing wrong in that either. We NEED to protect our mental and physical health and if it's the right choice, we can walk away from a relationship if we need to.

This friend (NO FRIEND NO MORE!!!!!! ) is over 20 as we are...but she acts like a f***ng brat at times... T_T She has her own stupid things and has caused pain to herself (being drunk example) and when we took our tongue piercing, she basically frowned upon us. And I CAN F***NG FEEL THAT!!!!! All our other true-friends were so nice when we told that we're in pain and need pain killers to numb the pain. But she...she practically just rolled her eyes and said: "get over it...a-h**e!" WE F***NG SHOWED HER KINDNESS WHEN SHE INTENTIONALLY CAUSED HERSELF PAIN AND WHEN WE DID THE SAME BY TAKING PIERCING (in a f***ng good place where they know what they do and the piercer is super nice!) SHE PRACTICALLY THOUGHT THAT WE DON'T NEED ANY EMPATHY. So F**K HER!!!!!

This is crucial and a F***NG BIG THING for us!!!! That we are being taken care of and shown empathy when we are sick or in pain. We never got that in the past...NEVER. Also it's been so painful to do anything with the tongue that we couldn't have even brushed our teeth. It's not that I LIKE IT LIKE THAT but it's just that it's too d*mn scary and painful to even TRY it! And she...once again...rolled her eyes and asked us to get over it...YOU F***NG B*TCH!!!!!!!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU PAIN AND THEN I'LL LAUGH-F**NG-LAUGH AT YOUR SORRY *SS FACE!!!!!!!!!! Hygiene and basic healthcare was NONEXISTENT in our past, so forcing us to do something that we are NOT USED TO DO AND WE SIMPLY FEAR IT, IS NOT OKAY!!!!!! And I don't actually care if our teeth fall off...rot and fall off...it's OUR F**NG MOUTH AND WE F***NG DECIDE WHAT WE WANT TO PUT IN IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE AND NOT F**NG ANYONE ELSE!!!!!!!!! IT'S OUT BODY AND OUR RULES!!!!!!!!!!!

We are not used to talk about our feelings in relationships...we usually just throw those people away or keep it in. But we have started to practise it! And we actually have made progress. But it still is so tough to take the first step... Especially when some parts are so filled with ANGER that they want to strangle her... I don't know if those parts need time or if someone else should take care of that. We go back SO EASILY to our old ways of brushing it off as a "small and pointless thing" and invalidate our OWN FEELINGS. So it's tough...

I feel like a child again...that complained all the time and for nothing... But our bones were broken...our body was so sick...and we complained of nothing.? That doesn't make any sense...

We kept screaming, complaining, making loud noises...and none were taken seriously... We were always that TOO SENSITIVE CHILD THAT COMPLAINED OVER NOTHING BECAUSE SHE'S TOO F-KING-SENSITIVE. We are too sensitive and we should just tolerate our pain...no matter how bad it is...if our bones are broken we should not cry or show no pain in our face or anywhere...

Yes, I'm a crybaby and I complain over nothing... I'm a b*tch and I know that...I understand that I complain over nothing... I act like one because that's what I am, isn't it? I should be like this because that's how people say we are? Isn't it true?

F*CK NO. T_T