Conflict of feelings (might trigger)

Hi there. Haven't started a new post or written anything about us for a while. Now I have finally something to discuss about in here.

It's about dating and relationships - and especially our sexual orientation. (We're lesbian, I think. Not all parts are. ) Since we have now hit the puberty we never had time to go through (mood swings, teenagers have started to be more active, body's hormones have gone insane etc. - YAY for that! XD), we have started to go through our sexual development aswell. Now it gets tricky!

Group 1: Some parts really want to have a girlfriend, learn to love and slowly start to have sex in safe way - nothing wrong in that as long as it doesn't trigger anyone or hurt the mind/body.

Group 2: But then there are other group of parts that absolutely DESPISE every single thing in having a girlfriend (or boyfriend) and simply HATE sex and all that might lead to it. Hugs are pretty extreme too for them. So this group 2 doesn't want any type of intimate relationship and they would rather be alone for now. They get on group 1's way all the time!

Group 3: In group 3, we have the parts that push the lesbian-identity away and want to be straigth. They do experience intimate and sexual feelings towards other women but they don't want to admit it or they say that "it's just a phase that'll pass." They carry all the self-hate towards our orientation and WISH so much that they and the whole system would be straigth. They want to have a boyfriend(s) and TRY to be straigth. They think that there's something very wrong in them...

So this is our problem. I don't know what to do! Each group wants to live with their own rules and experience whatever they wish to experience (we do make rules regarding to this and won't let them do whatever they please!) but they keep clashing together due to their differences in thoughts. *siiiiiiigggHHH!* I'm really tired at the moment and I'm SOOO done with the stress this keeps causing us... T_T Straigth, lesbian, queer...jada jada...boyfriend, girlfriend, denial, accusations, pain jad jada...love...partnership...

Well I have to admit that we/I haven't done much work with this issue because it's CONSTANTLY STUCK. We just can't stop circling in the same fr**king circle!!!!! It's like swinging back and worth in a swing from black to white...black to white... Nothing makes sense, everything is stuck, nothing moves, everybody is confused, stressed out, afraid and angry and frustrated.

I wish I could do more but I feel so d*mn blind... I'm certainly msising something super important/crucial in this issue but I just can't see what it is... =/ Any ideas?

Milly's my name. I'm 14!

Oops!

(The following reply has a trigger warning for sex talk and illnesses)
Hello Milly!
I think its great (some of) you are interested in relationships and sex. It is perfectly normal to be interested and want to expirence it first hand, at your age. But i want you to know its not as simple as getting a gf/bf and trying new things. It is also great you want to be safe about it. I think there is still a lot you need to learn about this before you go trying it out. And i dont mean just a class like "sex ed"..love, relationships, and sex are very complicated things. Even full grown adults havent figured it out yet, and im not trying to say your not old enough being 14, i just think you need to take it more seriously. The fact there is a dissagreement about what sexuality to pick is a big warning sign right off the bat. Everyone has their own feelings and views on their sexuality and its not good to try and insist on one or another. One group feels like they are lesian and another wants to be straight but remember there is no wrong answer. If one group chooses to be straight because they feel happiest and most comfortable as such then that is good. If the other group decideds lesbian would make them most happy and comfortable that is also good. Just because someone is attracted to a female sexualy doesnt make her lesbian. Some girls will find they are attracted to girls and still not be lesbian, they could be bisexual but "prefer" to be with a guy. And thats okay too. There are a varieties of different sexualities, not just straight bi and gay. I my self am pansexual. Which means i base 75% or more of my sexual/romantic attraction on personality. I do not discriminate against any; gender, body type, physical gender, sexuality, gender identity, or sexual preference. To me getting to know who a person is on the inside is more important then and physical attribute.
That being said a few things i want you to keep in mind are,
No sex is safe sex. There are risks from diseases and STDs, and other complications. Condoms and vaginal condoms do not protect against STDs. Not having sex is the safest thing to do. But obviously you wont stay a virgin forever. Masturbation is the safest form of sex, because there is no sex partner to contract a disease from. It is healthy for you, it can help improve you heart, immune system, circulation, as well as releasing endorphins which puts you in a good mood. It is also improves your self esteem and gives you a more positive look on your body image. It is also a safe way to explore sex and your sexuality in an unjudgemental and unbiased setting. And despite how shameful people may view it as, there is no reason to feel ashamed of it. Like i said its healthy and safe.
Other thing i want you to know. Love is wonderful and the best feeling in the world, but heartbreak is one of the most painful things too. Sure there are a lot of people out there that thought they loved someone and that someone loved them back, but this is hardly ever the outcome. I just want you to remember that you need to make yourselves happy even if this person ends up leaving. There will be many *i want to be with this person forever* moments. But if forever doesn't happen, you have to be strong. Trust me. Broken hearts aren't fun. But don't ever let the bad stop you from trying to find the good.

Thanks for the reply Chibixal.

I can't reply at the moment because our system is a bit messed up at the moment. It's one of those cases, when I post something in here about an issue we have, and then RIGHT AFTER I have hit the "submit" button, one or multiple parts come and tell me the answer for that!

Eugh... It's frustrating. T_T But also good that we get things going on.

We are dealing with plenty of things at the moment, having a whole new layout in our inner world, mixing the groups to new ones and overall taking steps forward in healing.

it's one sh*tty job, ya knoww!!? to have to have rip out your f**ing security blanket or some sh*t and then throw you to the cold truth!!! and world!!! T_T it's not fair!!!!!!!!!! i f**ng want my SECURITY BLANKET BACK!!!!!

Yup, we're facing the truths of the past. It's like having a bucket of ice cold water thrown at your face at once! >_< It hurts, it's cold, it's scary and it's unsafe... We try to figure out...try to figure out how to deal with all this...

I can hardly write about this in here because it's not necessary. We can hang on on our own at least for now. We'll pop back every once in a while and have a glance at what happens in here!

yu'm rriight!

Dunno if I can really help, exactly, but I'll start babbling and see if anything helpful comes out.

I'm lesbian, and wear it proudly. Took me a bit to realize I wasn't "wrong", my feelings weren't "bad", all that type of sh*t, but I got to the truth in the end. It might just have to take some time for Group 3, as much as it can suck, sometimes all it needs is time. Time, consistent support, and consistent reassurance that they're not "wrong" or "bad", all that type of good sh*t. Support that you'll love them no matter what, and you'll accept them no matter what (even if they are straight- just saying).

My twin sister, Luna, isn't...really much of anything, from what I can see. No desires to be with guys or girls, and any physical contact (unless it's from me, even then, it's like a 50/50 chance) is pretty much a "no" for her. She doesn't like hugs, she doesn't like being touched- she very much likes her own personal bubble, especially when she's around guys. With us being twins and usually shadowing the other, it can be hard to not step on each others' "toes", you know? We've had to work on communication, cooperation, and compromise to not make each other upset. (Though it's a bit easier for us because while Luna doesn't have any real desire to be with a girl, she doesn't really have any objections to it like she does guys, so it helps that I'm lesbian).
If I'm doing stuff that she doesn't like or want, she lets me know and I either stop until it's only me "out front", or I stop altogether if Luna can't really separate herself from me (this happens sometimes). It can suck and be frustrating, but I know it's not her fault and she doesn't want to be there any more than I want her there (that sounds bad, but I hope you know how I mean). Kat's said the same thing- if any of us are out or co-hosting or something, and she starts doing stuff we don't like/want (like with a guy), we're to yell at her, fight her, get her attention in any way and she'll stop. She won't like it, and might be frustrated/mad, but she will stop. Deep down she knows, just like we all do, that we have to play nice and share the sandbox, even if it means giving up your favorite spot at times.

Like, Cassandra's dating Mike, the body's current boyfriend. I'm technically still dating him (I agreed to date him when I still saw myself as possibly bisexual, and I still like him kinda, as more than just a friend, but we never do anything sexual or romantic or anything like that. I don't like him that way, but I do like him more than a normal guy/friend). But Luna's not dating him, and if she can't get into her room or something when it's a situation she doesn't like, she just lets someone know (or I let them know for her), and we stop the situation. Mike understands that there's no relationship between him and Luna, and respects that. He also knows I'm a lesbian. So while Cassandra and Rain get their boyfriend, I get to be with a girl any time I want. I can even have a steady girlfriend, as long as I'm honest about the boyfriend situation (you know, I can't lie to any girls and tell them I'm single or something). There are still girls out there who are ok with stuff like that, just like there's girls out there who are ok with friends with benefits type of sh*t and flings and sh*t like that. So there can be compromises between these groups with guidelines. A type of "you don't get in my way, I won't get in yours" type of compromise. That's pretty much what we have. As long as I can hide out in my room when sh*t goes on that I don't like/want, I'm perfectly fine taking whatever freedoms I can get. There needs to be respect and understanding that there are/can be no absolutes in a system- you all have to compromise and all have to work together. All deserve to be happy and pursue happiness to a reasonable extent.

Definitely slow is the way to go here. Let these groups know that the only way to get anything they want is to start working together and compromising. Because until they can all respect and understand each other, I wouldn't pursue any girl or guy or any type of relationship. It's best to focus on yourself right now and get things squared away inside before trying new stuff outside.

Is there any way Group 2 can be inside during times they don't like? Of course, they'll have their time "out" like they should have, but I mean, instead of fighting the situation, is there any way they can just not be a part of it at all? Same with all the Groups, is there any way Group 1 can be inside when Group 2 or 3 want to be out, and is there any way Group 3 can be inside or something when Group 1 or 2 wants to be out? Can they agree to not do anything if anyone's out/close who doesn't like what's going on? Is that a possible compromise- that they can (safely) have what they want (to a reasonable extent) as long as they don't force anyone to be around a situation they don't like?

As far as being lesbian goes, Group 1: It's worth the wait, patience, and compromise to finally feel comfortable enough, and "ok" enough to actually be with a girl/woman. Trust me, you won't want to rush into this (well, I'm sure you feel like you do, but you don't want to in reality). Otherwise you could risk retraumatizing a part of you, or you could risk not being ready yourself and having it be not as special as you thought or something. It's better to make sure you're ready for this and everything. I know I was glad waiting. I could've rushed/made it happen a couple times, but I'm glad I didn't. And try to understand that you all, everyone in the system, needs to work together to deal with these issues. No one wants to be in anyone's "way", no one's trying to maliciously sabotage anything or anything like that. You all just need to understand that you all like/dislike different things, and that there can be peaceful co-existing if you work on compromises and understanding.

Group 2: It's perfectly ok to not like sh*t like physical contact, or to not want a relationship. But that doesn't mean you have to view that type of stuff as bad, or as being bad for everyone. No one is completely "right", here, but no one is "wrong" either. You all have your own likes/dislikes, and everyone is free to like/dislike whatever they want. Just like in America, how we have the freedom to be whatever religion you want, sexuality, etc., you guys in your system have that same freedom. You all have equal freedom to be different, and there's no "wrong" or "right" way to be. It's ok to dislike something, even hate it, but it's not ok to stop others, who like what you don't like or who even want what you hate, from being happy. They allow you to be yourselves, they deserve the same freedom to be themselves.

Group 3: Group 2's post also kinda applies here. There is no "right" or "wrong" way to be, and there's certainly nothing "wrong" with you guys. You might be a little confused, you might be a little frustrated- that's ok. You're figuring yourself out. But it's not ok to not let others be themselves when they want to be. It's not ok to force others to be or pretend to be something they know they're not. You each have your likes/dislikes, wants, and desires, and they're going to be different, and that's ok. It's ok to be different- no one should "have" to be the same. That's like...Nazi thinking, no offense (a bit extreme, I know, but it's all I could think of). People deserve freedom, including everyone in your system- everyone has equal rights to equal freedoms. Absolutes, forced restrictions, and commands aren't really helpful, healthy, and they don't really work well for situations that need compromises, respect, and understanding.

There's nothing wrong with any of you, and I like all of the Groups from what I've read. It sucks that you're having this conflict, and I wish I could help more. But you are trying, and you are trying to work on it, so know that you won't run in circles forever. You might feel like you're running in circles for a bit, but it won't last forever. Like I said, sometimes these things just take time.

~L.C.

-- Thu Oct 18, 2012 11:01 am --

Just saw your newest post. Sorry to hear about the hard time, but hang in there. It sounds like you're doing a great job of focusing on you and listening to your needs- just stay strong, it won't last forever.

~L.C.

Hi tomboy24.

You gave some very nice thought and ideas. Thank you for those.

We're keeping this issue on hold for now... Have to deal with the more painful things first. We have about 2-3 issues handled at times and ONLY 2-3! If we even try having 4 or more, it won't work. Mind goes stuck and it won't budge. Super handy!

We just went and took a tongue piercing! I have noticed that each new piercing opens up more memories from the past and reveals new things about us. So no wonder that some parts reallyreally WANT to take piercings. It's becoming more and more symbolical - like getting a tattoo with a big *ss story behind it. I'm curious to know what memories we get when we take our next piercing! ;D

I'm starting to wonder if it's common for people who have DID to identify as lesbian. My main alter is a lesbian and I'm wondering if I am as well. Right now I say I'm bisexual but it's complicated because I either feel completely straight or completely gay.. I want a girlfriend but I'm scared to say I'm a lesbian because I feel like it's so permanent and if I can't even control my own identity how am I supposed to know whether my sexuality will change?