Relationship Advice...Alters In Love With Others?

My SO and I are currently in a bit of a spot. He has quite a large system (several hundred) and we've recently run into an issue with a few of his alters. We have discovered that some of them are still in love with his exes and want to try to get back together with them.

A majority of his system is in love with me (and I them) so we aren't quite sure what to think of this new development. Everyone except for these few agree that it's a bad idea to even attempt it not only because of how the relationships ended but also because they want to be with me.

These few have started causing problems by trying to take over the system. We're not really sure how to handle this matter as they refuse to give us a chance and want to give their exes (each one wants a different one) a second chance for whatever reason. Also, the relationships ended badly and were under 4 months long as his exes either didn't like his alters, constantly fought with him, tried to use him, etc so we all have trouble understanding why they would want to go back to that. (For those wondering, I've been friends with my SO for several years and been dating for nearly a year).

Any advice/thoughts/experiences/etc would be wonderful to see/hear.

I have more to say on this, but I can't right now. Just wanted to know that you're not alone, and you're SO's not alone. We've been through this before- h3ll, I'm going through it now. I'm still in love with an ex and actually saw him recently so...yeah. (And the current boyfriend and I broke it off, though Cassandra and other alters are still dating him. Again, have more to say on this, just can't right now). Feel free to shoot me a PM about anything if you want. Oh, and here's a thread that might help you (my posts are somewhat relevant I think to what you're talking about, look for the red text if you don't want to read the whole thread): http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic98758-10.html

-KAT

When you can say more, I'd love to hear it. I've never been in a situation like this before but I love my SO(s) so much and want to work through this. Part of the reason, I came to this forum was to see how other DID individuals were handling their situations and see if there were any pointers we could take from it. The other reason was I was looking for someone to talk to who understood what was going on and didn't just look at me like I was crazy when I tried to explain why I was worried for my SO. So I would like to say a major thank you for responding!!!

As for your situation, is there any way you could elaborate (PM if you would rather it not be on the forums)? I'm curious as to how you are/the system is handling it; what you/everyone else plans to do; etc. My SO and I tried researching into this but we couldn't find any true solution if you will. I'm honestly not sure how to handle this situation and my SO doesn't have an idea what to do either.

Thank you again. Any advice/experiences you could give would be wonderful. As for the thread, I read through the whole thing. It touched on some of the issues I worry about and seems to be matching up with what I've been telling my SO about having to learn to share and listen to each other.

Thank you once again! Just knowing someone understands helps a lot.

I'm going to try and explain everything best I can. But I tend to be very f*#king blunt and I tend to skim over sh*t 'cause I'm not the most open person. So if anything's unclear to you, don't be shy. Just ask whatever f*#king questions you got, k?

First of all, multiples don't work the same way singletons do. You have to keep in mind that you're dealing with not a whole person, not a single person. (Yes, overall, they make up one whole person together and are all PARTS of the same person, but they're NOT the same person when they're still multiple/separate. Make sense?) You have different personalities, with different likes, dislikes, etc. You have to try and compromise and please many different "people" all at once. And it's not always that f*#king easy. But it helps to remind yourself- they're ALL equals. They all deserve time "out" in control, they all deserve to share the body/mind equally, they all deserve to have freedoms (to a reasonable extent- it's not like alters can go around killing people), and they all deserve to do things that make them happy (to a reasonable extent). Everyone's system varies differently, and you'll have to work out compromises that work for you as a couple together. Communication, respect, understanding, and compromising are NEEDED to make this sh*t work.

Now that I've explained that, let me start out with telling you who's dating who in OUR system. Our signature's a bit f*#ked up at the moment, so let me tell you there's 17 of us so far, in 2 "groups" of alters: the Main Group, the one that's co-conscious (they can be aware of what's going on when different alters are in control and switches are easier); and there's the Secondary Group, the one that Cassandra, our host (main person "out"), is NOT co-conscious with. (She doesn't black out or really "lose time", but she's unable to control them or fight to be in control at all. It's like a sheet of glass separates her and them when they're "out"). If it's easier, the Main Group is like in the "conscious", and the Secondary Group is like in the "subconscious". Here's us:

Main Group:
Kat, me, been around the longest, 24 yrs old
Rain, 23 yrs old
Cassandra, host, alter, 21 yrs old
Cassie, original "core", 8 yrs old
Ray, (animalistic alter, half dog, mature but has dog "mindset") 10/11 yrs old
L.C. & Luna, twins, 16 yrs old
Lynn, 2 yrs old
Shay, 20 yrs old

Secondary Group:
Marie, 29 yrs old
Valera, 24 yrs old
Rebel, 18 yrs old
Dallas & Damone, twins, 19 yrs old
Cassidy, 8 yrs old

"Outsiders" (we aren't aware of them at all, but we know they exist. We don't know where they're "at" or "stay" inside our mind, aka "inner world", either):
"Hannibal", ? yrs old
Kyra, 21 yrs old


Now, Rain, Cassandra, Ray, and technically L.C. are dating our current boyfriend, Michael. (L.C. is a lesbian, but she was bisexual when she met Mike. She still likes him, they just don't do anything sexual). Ray has a dog mindset, so she sees Mike as her "mate". And Rain and Cassandra are going on almost 2 yrs of dating Mike.

Myself, I'm still in love with an ex of Cassandra's, Darren. I was dating Mike up until a week or two ago, though.
Rebel was, and I bet deep down still is, attracted to another ex of Cassandra's from high school, Jeremy (but right now she's friends with benefits with Dallas- yeah, alters can have relationships apparently).
Valera is, and always will be, in love with a boy Cassandra grew up with, Adam.
Kyra is in love with a friend of Cassandra's from middle school, Gates (his nickname).
L.C. has a friends with benefits thing with a girl we met like a year ago, Meaghan.
And Marie so far isn't interested in Mike enough to be dating him.

In the beginning, sh*t was a little rough. We all wanted our freedom, so we all just kinda did what we wanted to, when we wanted to. Some of us didn't want to be tied down to a guy Cassandra wanted to date. It wasn't our choice to date him, why should we have to follow relationship rules when we want to be single? We felt trapped, so we'd lash out. I cheated on Mike, L.C. cheated on Mike, and Rebel's cheated on Mike. (This was in the first year of dating, the first couple months, actually). Clearly, this system wasn't working, so Cassandra and Mike decided to sit down and discuss solutions.

This is what we came up with: We all are to respect the relationship Cassandra has with Mike. However, this does not mean we all have to date him or anything like that. If ever we are feeling trapped, suffocated, or simply like we need a break to ourselves, we are to inform both Mike and Cassandra of this. Then, we are given anywhere from 1 week up to 3 months of a "break". During this time, we are completely free to pursue other romantic interests, and we enter a "don't ask, don't tell" policy with Mike. He won't ask what we're up to, where we're going, etc., and we don't tell him. (This includes bragging, bringing stuff up in a fight, etc). Now, there are rules to this break. Yes, we can do whatever we want, with any guy or girl we want (actually girls, because Mike doesn't have a problem with them, we can "mess around" with any time), but there are boundaries.
There can be no serious relationships- only flings, one-night-stands, friends with benefits, sh*t like that. And we are to tell the people we get involved with this up-front: no serious relationships. There can be no unsafe sex, and we must tell Cassandra and Mike of any new people that are possible interests (this way there's no "strangers", there's no strange numbers on Cassandra's phone, and if they seem "iffy", Cassandra can "veto" it. Of course, after we tell them that there is this new person and this is what they're like, we don't have to tell them anything after that). There can be no lying, if we are asked any question in connection to our break, we must be honest in our answer. And if Mike and Cassandra have plans, their plans and their relationship comes first. Oh, and if we are co-hosting and can't seem to fully "switch" to just one personality, we are to listen to each other and not do anything the other personality doesn't want to do. (I think that's all the boundaries).


Letting alters have "breaks" to where they don't have to be "tied down" in a relationship they don't see themselves in can help a lot, and it allows them to have freedoms, but within reason. We accept that we can't all have our own serious relationships, and we're not the host (the main person out), and we all need to share. Unless you're all ok with being polyamory or whatever (basically having an "open" relationship), I wouldn't suggest giving it a try or even thinking about it. Besides, it's better than having to fight and cause chaos to get what freedoms we can get. At least this way, we get freedom within guidelines instead of no freedom at all. That's another important thing to remember- absolutes don't work well with multiples. If you say "you cannot do this", there's going to be discontentment. If you say, "I don't like this, but let's talk about it and compromise", there's going to be respect and a willingness to work with you.


Try having a "meeting" with everyone you're able to. Talk to them, write them notes, speak to them through someone, contact them any way you can and talk about what they want, then talk about what you're comfortable with, and come to a compromise. Also explain that you're not trying to tell them what they can and can't do, you simply want to work out a solution to where everyone's relatively happy (even if it's not perfect), and you want to try and work with them as much as possible, instead of against them. Let them know you respect them and are trying to make this situation be as good as it possibly can be. Also, let them know you feel for them, and are sorry that their relationships ended and that they're heartbroken.

If they are able to keep their promises (like, if you feel that they are trustworthy enough and if they agree to perhaps a "supervisor" for the first couple times), I don't see any problem with alters having flings with the exes. No serious relationships, but flings, why not? When we were in Arizona visiting our grandma this past couple weeks, I was able to go see Darren (he lives in Arizona, but was up where we live for a little over a year and that's when we were dating him). Yeah, it hurt to have to walk away, and it hurt to have to let him go (again), but it was better than nothing. I'd rather be able to see him if I want to, and only have flings with him, than not be allowed anything at all with him.


I think that's all I had to say...if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

-KAT

Lol. Got it.

I realize all of that. I've always tried to find out what each one wants/likes/etc. I realize their all part of a whole but different people at the same time. I agree. They are equals, deserve time out in the body, and deserve happiness. Those are needed in every relationship but I understand how much more important they are in this type of relationship.

Your system is similar to my SO's. He has some he can communicate with, some he can share with, some he can't sense but others can, and some that can't be sensed at all. Like I said earlier, several hundred.

Thank you for the information on your relationship. I've actually seen a few people say they've had to do this from my research. However, I've also seen a lot of comments that it didn't work. As for my SO and his system, I don't think that method will work. Only one in the whole system is for having casual sex and that's only when he himself is not in a relationship or in love. My SO's entire system is against polygamy so that approach wouldn't work for us. Also, I've been cheated on before so it's something I'm afraid of in regards to my own relationship. I don't mind it for others but I know I would worry too much to be in one. It's just the type of person I am. As for the alters who are in love with others, I know they don't believe in flings or casual sex. Instead, they'd rather try to rekindle past loves (even though their exes didn't like them, cheated on them, etc -- which is what makes it hard for me to understand). They admit they like me a lot but they don't love me like they do their exes. They also apologize for thinking this way and for potentially hurting me.

We're currently discussing options/trying to find some sort of compromise. I know that ultimatums are never acceptable and never plan to do one. I actually do talk with a lot of them. Only a few hide back but even they have talked to me. They state that they are scared of being hurt so that's why they don't come out as much which I understand.

Thank you so much for your point of view/situation/etc!!! I'm always curious as to how each system handles things as I'm still fairly new to this. I want to be able to be prepared/understand/etc as much as I can in order to be there for my SO.

Rekindling sh*t with exes is a common desire for anyone, and usually more common for people with DID because we have more to "blame" on ourselves. We get to thinking that if it was just us, or if we held others back, or if we did something different, it would've worked, and so we find ourselves trying to go back and make it work. This could also be coming up due to things they see you doing with the alters that are involved with you. I know that most of the time, I see Cassandra and Mike and it's like "Whatever", but sometimes I see them and I start to get p*ssed off, thinking "She gets to have that with her guy, why don't I get a chance at having that with my guy?" I think Rebel's had it the roughest because Cassandra was the one who ended things with Jeremy, Rebel's boy, and then it's her fault he got away a second time because she waited too long to give him an answer after he asked us out again. So she'll see Cassandra and Mike sometimes and be like "What the f*#k are we doing with this guy? Why aren't we trying to fix sh*t with Jeremy one last time? It could still work". Even Cassandra has the gull to wonder once in a blue moon if sh*t between her and Nathan would've worked out had she been allowed to try (by that point, we were all like "just, no"). (*Trigger Warning:
Nathan was her best friend who raped her in high school while she was with Jeremy. Cassandra felt she didn't deserve Jeremy after that, blaming herself for the rape of course, and so broke things off with him to date her f*#king rapist, Nathan. I thought I was p*ssed, holy f*#k you shoulda seen Rebel
*End Trigger*).
For multiples, heartbreak can be so much more difficult to accept, 'cause like I said, we have more to "blame" instead of realizing that it wasn't a good relationship, or it just wouldn't have worked out no matter what, or it wasn't healthy, etc. Maybe talk to them about why they want to try and rekindle sh*t, what they think they can do to make it work. If you feel up to it, maybe you can start pointing out why things wouldn't have worked or why their attempts wouldn't have mattered (depending on how much you know and stuff. Be careful to not overstep boundaries, though. I know I get super f*#king defensive when someone tries to tell me sh*t about personal stuff they weren't there for). Make sure what you say is logical and has clear points to it, though. It's hard to start a fight or anything like that if the sh*t that's being said is pretty f*#king clear and logical and seems obviously true.
You could even try asking them if they'd like help in getting over people. I'm sure you're no stranger to heartbreak, let them know that you've been where they are and understand how they feel. But be sure to let them know that you're not doing this to try and make them date you or anything like that. Just let them know that you want to help them if they'll let you, and that it's always nicer to have someone help you move on than trying to do it by yourself.

When Mike first stepped into the picture, I f*#king hated him. I tried to chase him off several times, even once by threatening him with my knife. I didn't want him "replacing" Darren. But Mike played it cool (though he was scared) and stayed calm, unmoving, and simply talked to/with me. Asked me questions and sh*t. One night he finally f*#king broke me (the b@stard), getting me to admit I loved Darren. I cracked, and then the f*#king floodgates started pouring out. He didn't help me by telling me it was ok or that he was here now, or any of that bullsh*t. No, he helped me by telling me his story of being abandoned and getting left hardcore by one of his exes (in a nutshell, she moved for a job, got married there despite still being in a relationship with Mike, and never told him nor did she ever come back. He found all this out from an ex-friend of her's). He told me that sometimes sh*t goes south, and we don't know why, and probably never f*#king will. It's not our fault, and there's nothing we can do about it, which makes it even more confusing and frustrating. He told me I didn't deserve to be hurt like that, I deserved someone who wasn't going to leave me (or at least, keep in contact with me if they did leave). He made it clear he wasn't saying I deserved him, but that I did deserve someone who wasn't going to do what Darren did (he wasn't the best at keeping in contact and made us feel ignored/forgotten after he left). By sharing his own pain and telling me it wasn't my fault, Mike helped me get over Darren for the most part. (The rest will have to be done on my own time). Maybe a similar tactic will help with your situation.

If nothing else, ask everyone if it would be such a terrible thing to be "stuck" to/with you. Ask them, honestly, how they feel and what they think. Since having breaks won't seem to work, see if at least a peaceful resolution can be reached despite being in a relationship with you. See if perhaps they would prefer to not be around you when they're out, or if they'd like you to act like you're not dating when they're out, or something like that. Little, do-able things that could help them feel more comfortable, you know? I know Mike doesn't even think like him and the body are dating when Rebel's out (she makes it quite clear he's not her "type" and she's not with him). So to help her feel more comfortable, he doesn't expect anything and acts like they're not dating when she's out. See if anything like that might help.

-KAT

I’m going to start this off by saying WOW! This was very informative and spot on. THANK YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP!

I admit in the past I’ve had moments of weakness where I’ve wanted an ex back and thought of what I could have done different (even though it was him not me). So, I understand how it could be harder on everyone. I see your point on the watching someone be happy and you not being able to with the person you love. I would get upset too.

Wow, just wow on your story. I’m sorry. I’m glad you all told her no!

I understand. I honestly didn’t think of it that way. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to talk with them about it. I’d like to get more details from them first as to why they are still in love with those who deliberately hurt them in order to better explain logically the reasons against going back (even if they choose not to be with me…I don’t want to see them hurt). I know I can be pushy at times and I know this will be a touchy subject for them so I want to be extra careful.

Unfortunately, all of them in the system are very stubborn. It’s a trait I love about them but it can work against me some days. LOL. Most of them prefer to work through things alone. I know (as they have told me) they have told me more about themselves, their lives, their emotions, etc than they have ever told anyone else including their exes. However, they still like to try to do things on their own rather than receive outside help. It’s something we’ve all been working on together. Compromise.

As for the not dating some of them, I was actually doing this with quite a few in the very beginning, only dating around 10 in the system. However, as the relationship has progressed more and more who didn’t want to date me started asking me out. That actually shocked me at first. I’m curious if these few are going to be like them and do that later on in the relationship or will still want to go back to their exes.

None of his have threatened me with a knife yet but I’ve a had a few try chase me off through various means. Wow, Mike sounds really level headed and I’m glad he’s helped you. Yeah, I learned the sh*t goes south lesson the hard way too. It’s not a fun lesson to learn and hard to accept at times. I understand. If you don’t mind me asking, are you planning to get back together with Mike if you ever manage to fully move on from Darren? Sorry, I’m a curious person and relationships have always been an oddity to me. My past ones haven’t really ended well and I tended to linger on them for too long. I get extremely attached and it often ends up being my downfall.
I hope a similar tactic works. If nothing else, I want to make sure they don’t end up getting hurt again by going back to a bad situation.

I already know the answer to that one, they all like me and want to be with me and being “stuck” with me isn’t a bad thing at all. However, at the same time those few crave their prior loves because they aren’t in love with me. I understand that but I just worry. A peaceful resolution would be wonderful! Actually, they tend to come out more when I’m around is the odd part. They want to spend time with me because they like me but not that way. I generally just talk with them and sometimes do a kiss on the cheek. A few have come out during more intimate moments which shocked me because they all believe (as I do) that it is something scared to be shared with the person you care for yet claim they don’t love me in that way. Hence, my confusion and worry on this matter.

I’m working hard to tell them all apart as a few act very similar to each other (hard not to with so many) in order to make everyone comfortable. I admit I make mistakes for a few such as trying to kiss or hug but I’m learning each and every day who wants what.
Thank you so much for your help. Your advice and experiences help a lot. It just helps knowing I’m not alone, others understand, and can even help. THANK YOU! I seriously can’t say it enough!

TalkWithMe wrote:I understand. I honestly didn’t think of it that way. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to talk with them about it. I’d like to get more details from them first as to why they are still in love with those who deliberately hurt them in order to better explain logically the reasons against going back (even if they choose not to be with me…I don’t want to see them hurt). I know I can be pushy at times and I know this will be a touchy subject for them so I want to be extra careful.

You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. With your awareness of yourself and of where they're coming from, I bet you'll do fine. It'll just take some time.

TalkWithMe wrote:Unfortunately, all of them in the system are very stubborn. It’s a trait I love about them but it can work against me some days. LOL. Most of them prefer to work through things alone. I know (as they have told me) they have told me more about themselves, their lives, their emotions, etc than they have ever told anyone else including their exes. However, they still like to try to do things on their own rather than receive outside help. It’s something we’ve all been working on together. Compromise.

I understand. I'm the same way myself. Best way to go about it is to make it seem like it's about you, not them, when they're willing to listen. Like I said, sharing your experiences about pain/heartbreak could help them in the same way Mike helped me. Doesn't mean you have to make it obvious or anything like that.

TalkWithMe wrote:As for the not dating some of them, I was actually doing this with quite a few in the very beginning, only dating around 10 in the system. However, as the relationship has progressed more and more who didn’t want to date me started asking me out. That actually shocked me at first. I’m curious if these few are going to be like them and do that later on in the relationship or will still want to go back to their exes.

It'll take some time, but my guess is that at the very least, they'll eventually get over their exes. Not saying they'll ask you out, but they'll at least have no desire to be with an ex. (Though the asking you out later is still a possibility).

TalkWithMe wrote:If you don’t mind me asking, are you planning to get back together with Mike if you ever manage to fully move on from Darren? Sorry, I’m a curious person and relationships have always been an oddity to me. My past ones haven’t really ended well and I tended to linger on them for too long. I get extremely attached and it often ends up being my downfall.
I hope a similar tactic works. If nothing else, I want to make sure they don’t end up getting hurt again by going back to a bad situation.

I do see myself eventually moving on from Darren, and I might plan to get back together with Mike at some point (could even be before I fully get over Darren). But for now, I'm happy being single and allowing myself to process this sh*t properly instead of burying it and thinking I'm over it when I'm not.

That's a good goal to have, and I'd share that with the main one you're dating if you feel comfortable with it. Let someone know at least that even if they don't stay with you, you'd hate to see them getting hurt again or going back to a bad situation. It reinforces the fact that your focus is not if they stay with you, but what's good/healthy for them.

TalkWithMe wrote:I already know the answer to that one, they all like me and want to be with me and being “stuck” with me isn’t a bad thing at all. However, at the same time those few crave their prior loves because they aren’t in love with me. I understand that but I just worry. A peaceful resolution would be wonderful! Actually, they tend to come out more when I’m around is the odd part. They want to spend time with me because they like me but not that way. I generally just talk with them and sometimes do a kiss on the cheek. A few have come out during more intimate moments which shocked me because they all believe (as I do) that it is something scared to be shared with the person you care for yet claim they don’t love me in that way. Hence, my confusion and worry on this matter.

Unless they give you reason to worry, like having a history of cheating on gf's, or having easy access to an ex if they want it, etc., I wouldn't waste my energy worrying. Alters who are in love with others or who want someone else are usually like...a dog on a leash. The tighter that leash is pulled, the more the owner worries, the more the dog's going to want to run away and never come back. But if the dog is let off the leash and trusted, the dog might run off, he might not, but he'll always return because it's his home, not a cage. It's kinda like that whole "Just because I have the freedom to do it doesn't mean I will" type of thing. Darren's been the only "break" I've had during Cassandra's relationship with Mike, and yet before I had those freedoms, I'd cheated on him twice. Now that I don't feel trapped, I don't feel the need to prove I can't be controlled. Hope that makes sense.

Of course they like you and want to be out around you! You're a real person who accepts them and doesn't care that they're not dating you, you'll still spend time with them. They get to spend time out with company they enjoy, and that enjoys them in return. I bet they're loving this.

Just because you believe something is sacred, doesn't mean you still don't get the primal urges or desires. I'm not saying they're using you, I'm just saying that they might see you as the best "fit" to meet said possible desires. Not only that, but just because they don't love you that way, doesn't mean they don't care for you. I'm not one to see sex as really sacred- ok, let me back up. For me, there's different versions of sex. There's f*#king, which is purely primal, usually means nothing (but can mean something), and is solely for the sake of fulfilling sexual desires. So for an example, this would be a one-night-stand or something. There's sex, which can mean something, it can mean nothing, but it's pretty neutral, middle-ground. It can have more emotions tied to it than f*#king, but it's nothing really sacred. So, for an example, this would be like friends with benefits or something. Then there's making love, which means something and is sacred. There are always emotions tied to it, it's special, it's done with the desire to be connected to the partner, to be one with the partner. So, this would be like, SO sex or honeymoon sex, stuff like that. This is why I never really saw myself as cheating at times- because to me, it's only f*#king. It means nothing. It's purely physical. If I was making love with someone else and telling them I loved them and all that bullsh*t, then that'd be cheating.
So, it could be that some alters are taking part in more intimate situations because they might think that it "fits" under a different "category" of definitions.
It could also be that because they do care for you, just don't love you, (you can care for someone pretty deeply without loving them in that way), they might want to be a part of those situations, but might not want to be fully committed to the meaning of those situations, just as they don't want to be fully committed to you.
Could also be that they're beginning to love you, and just don't realize it yet/are in denial.
And it could be that they might love you, though either not yet in a romantic way, OR they might simply not love you as much as the others do, and so they think that they don't love you at all.

TalkWithMe wrote:I’m working hard to tell them all apart as a few act very similar to each other (hard not to with so many) in order to make everyone comfortable. I admit I make mistakes for a few such as trying to kiss or hug but I’m learning each and every day who wants what.
Thank you so much for your help. Your advice and experiences help a lot. It just helps knowing I’m not alone, others understand, and can even help. THANK YOU! I seriously can’t say it enough!

You could ask them to identify themselves in some way when they come out. I have a fairly distinct smile that I tend to flash when I first come out so that people can know who's who. Others blurt out their names as they come out. You could also ask if you can ask who's out. Alters usually don't take offense to people not knowing who's who, exactly, and we usually don't take offense to being asked who we are. We'd rather you ask and know then assume we're someone else until a mistake is made or until it becomes obvious that we're not who you think we are. Otherwise, you seem to be doing a great job at making this relationship work, so kudos to you. I know it's not always easy being with multiples, so you're a fairly amazing person to put so much effort, thought, and care into everything. You remind me of Mike a lot (that's a good thing). Keep up the good work, keep hanging in there, and you're welcome.

-KAT

Sorry about the delay. It's been very busy at my household lately!

tomboy24 wrote:You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. With your awareness of yourself and of where they're coming from, I bet you'll do fine. It'll just take some time.

Thank you. I try to do the best I can and be there for them. However, patience/waiting isn't always my forte.

tomboy24 wrote:I understand. I'm the same way myself. Best way to go about it is to make it seem like it's about you, not them, when they're willing to listen. Like I said, sharing your experiences about pain/heartbreak could help them in the same way Mike helped me. Doesn't mean you have to make it obvious or anything like that.

I actually talk to him a lot about my experiences. Sometimes, I worry too much. However, I know that doing so gets him to open up a bit more and those moments are special to me because it gives me some insight.

tomboy24 wrote:It'll take some time, but my guess is that at the very least, they'll eventually get over their exes. Not saying they'll ask you out, but they'll at least have no desire to be with an ex. (Though the asking you out later is still a possibility).

I actually talked with my SO about it. He(They) said that I shouldn't hold my hopes up for the others asking me out. For a few of them, I am "not their type" (which I already knew as I don't match the type of looks they are attracted too). As for the ones still in love with their exes, I was told that they could be in love with them for years to come as they were all "hardheaded" (his words, not mine!).

tomboy24 wrote:I do see myself eventually moving on from Darren, and I might plan to get back together with Mike at some point (could even be before I fully get over Darren). But for now, I'm happy being single and allowing myself to process this sh*t properly instead of burying it and thinking I'm over it when I'm not.

I understand that fully. My relationship before this one was with a man who dumped me out of the blue (very harshly at that) after being together for several years. It took a while for me to process it instead of just trying to bury it.

tomboy24 wrote: That's a good goal to have, and I'd share that with the main one you're dating if you feel comfortable with it. Let someone know at least that even if they don't stay with you, you'd hate to see them getting hurt again or going back to a bad situation. It reinforces the fact that your focus is not if they stay with you, but what's good/healthy for them.

I've actually told a few of them that. I was told they all know it and they want the best for me as well, even if that means we can't be together.

tomboy24 wrote:Unless they give you reason to worry, like having a history of cheating on gf's, or having easy access to an ex if they want it, etc., I wouldn't waste my energy worrying. Alters who are in love with others or who want someone else are usually like...a dog on a leash. The tighter that leash is pulled, the more the owner worries, the more the dog's going to want to run away and never come back. But if the dog is let off the leash and trusted, the dog might run off, he might not, but he'll always return because it's his home, not a cage. It's kinda like that whole "Just because I have the freedom to do it doesn't mean I will" type of thing. Darren's been the only "break" I've had during Cassandra's relationship with Mike, and yet before I had those freedoms, I'd cheated on him twice. Now that I don't feel trapped, I don't feel the need to prove I can't be controlled. Hope that makes sense.

Only one of them has a history of wanting to sleep around and he's actually curbing that for me without me asking. I told him it makes me uncomfortable and he ended up falling in love with me so said he would try not to. He has actually taken several precautions himself to make sure it doesn't happen. Something I never expected! I had accepted him as is before but was worried and he knew that. He's become one of the ones I'm closest with as he wants to spend so much time with me. Supposedly, he was one of the "worst ones" in the past far as anger, sexuality, and such.

I understand and realize that. Hence, why I don't tell them they can't. I say I don't like it and I hope they won't. However, I trust them to do the right thing and hope they will. So far, it seems to have worked.

tomboy24 wrote:Of course they like you and want to be out around you! You're a real person who accepts them and doesn't care that they're not dating you, you'll still spend time with them. They get to spend time out with company they enjoy, and that enjoys them in return. I bet they're loving this.

It seems natural to me but I've always been told that I am an oddity.

tomboy24 wrote:Just because you believe something is sacred, doesn't mean you still don't get the primal urges or desires. I'm not saying they're using you, I'm just saying that they might see you as the best "fit" to meet said possible desires. Not only that, but just because they don't love you that way, doesn't mean they don't care for you. I'm not one to see sex as really sacred- ok, let me back up. For me, there's different versions of sex. There's f*#king, which is purely primal, usually means nothing (but can mean something), and is solely for the sake of fulfilling sexual desires. So for an example, this would be a one-night-stand or something. There's sex, which can mean something, it can mean nothing, but it's pretty neutral, middle-ground. It can have more emotions tied to it than f*#king, but it's nothing really sacred. So, for an example, this would be like friends with benefits or something. Then there's making love, which means something and is sacred. There are always emotions tied to it, it's special, it's done with the desire to be connected to the partner, to be one with the partner. So, this would be like, SO sex or honeymoon sex, stuff like that. This is why I never really saw myself as cheating at times- because to me, it's only f*#king. It means nothing. It's purely physical. If I was making love with someone else and telling them I loved them and all that bullsh*t, then that'd be cheating.
So, it could be that some alters are taking part in more intimate situations because they might think that it "fits" under a different "category" of definitions.
It could also be that because they do care for you, just don't love you, (you can care for someone pretty deeply without loving them in that way), they might want to be a part of those situations, but might not want to be fully committed to the meaning of those situations, just as they don't want to be fully committed to you.
Could also be that they're beginning to love you, and just don't realize it yet/are in denial.
And it could be that they might love you, though either not yet in a romantic way, OR they might simply not love you as much as the others do, and so they think that they don't love you at all.

I understand. I'm glad I'm able to talk with you like this. It puts new perspectives in my head I wouldn't have thought of before.

tomboy24 wrote:You could ask them to identify themselves in some way when they come out. I have a fairly distinct smile that I tend to flash when I first come out so that people can know who's who. Others blurt out their names as they come out. You could also ask if you can ask who's out. Alters usually don't take offense to people not knowing who's who, exactly, and we usually don't take offense to being asked who we are. We'd rather you ask and know then assume we're someone else until a mistake is made or until it becomes obvious that we're not who you think we are.

I actually have asked that they. They like trying to fool me and even try to mimic each others voices and mannerism to see if I can tell the difference. Recently, one told me that the reason they don't give it out is because they've been burned in the past by doing so and they're hoping to integrate one day so this makes it easier.

tomboy24 wrote:Otherwise, you seem to be doing a great job at making this relationship work, so kudos to you. I know it's not always easy being with multiples, so you're a fairly amazing person to put so much effort, thought, and care into everything. You remind me of Mike a lot (that's a good thing). Keep up the good work, keep hanging in there, and you're welcome.
-KAT

Thank you. I'm trying my best. I love each and everyone of them and want this to work! I know it can be trying at times. Especially during certain periods, when the memories are overwhelming, and he needs space. That's the hardest part for me. I want to help so bad but really can't do anything. Plus, at the moment, we are long distance until mid-December due to family issues on both sides.

I don't think I'm an amazing person for this. I just want to be with the man(men?) I love and try my best to do so. It's something was ingrained in me from when I was a baby. If you love something (unless it is hurting you physically/mentally/etc) then you work hard to keep it and treasure it.

Mike sounds like a great man from what you've told me. I hope everything works out for you.