Losing my mind *TW*

*TW: Angry ranting*

I don't see progress. I really f*#king don't. I see Cassandra getting lost in this, way too focused on this. No offense, but this site both helps and hurts. I'm getting pretty f*#king tired of not getting anything done in the real world. The only f*#king thing we do anymore is help people on here. Why not f*#king help ourselves too?? I know we're supposedly trying to better our mental health, but sh*t! There's a point where you go too f*#king far, you know? Besides, I don't think having alters pop up in our awareness like f*#king popcorn is really helpful to us right now.

She/they literally spend like 12 hours a day, every single f*#king day, on this site. At the very least, I've seen her spend 5-8 hours. EVERY. F*#KING. DAY. She tells me and Mike sh*t like "Well, it takes a while for everyone to post what they want" and "Well some posts take us an hour or so to write" and "We're helping people" and "This is helping us, too"... I get that. I do. BUT 12 F*#KING HOURS ON A WEBSITE? REALLY?? And if no one's on, you know what she does? She'll put on Netflix or something, but like every 20 min, she'll refresh the site page and check to see if anyone's posted anything. I. DON'T. GET. IT.

The emo-brat twins, L.C. and Luna, use the site as a distraction to make us forget about eating (they're anorexic).
Cassie loves the f*#k out of this site, but she won't spend hours upon hours on it everyday.
I think Shay's part of this problem. She loves this site, it takes her a long time to post usually, and she's not very social so she tends to stay in our bedroom, and would do so without this site.
But f*#king Cassandra, man....this site is like crack to her. She's got these compulsions like, she HAS to help people, she HAS to read like every f*#king post, she HAS to respond to every f*#king post (unless she doesn't know anything about the topic), it's like she's f*#king obsessed, but then she'll turn around and go a few days without it just fine. Granted, it's a forced break (too busy, no internet, etc), but she doesn't like freak out or anything if there's no time to get on. BUT she DOES f*#king freak out when there IS time to get on, and she can't or hasn't yet or something. Like, her day isn't complete if she had the opportunity to get on and didn't f*#king do it.
I don't think it's all coming from her, though. Trouble is, I don't know who the f*#k it's coming from.

Like, ok, I'm literally talking about f*#king sitting on a bed, in a bedroom, every single day, from 11am-2:30pm (when she drives Mike to work), and then 3/4pm-1am (when she goes to pick Mike up). Sitting there, on this site or on Netflix, posting, reading, and refreshing the page. Forgetting to eat until 9pm or later (we eat breakfast/lunch around 12pm). Having a bottle of water so you don't get dehydrated. And only going to the bathroom when you really have to. That's our day. We get up, we get on this site, we get ready, we drive Mike to work, we get on this site, we pick Mike up, we sometimes get on the site again, then we go to bed. Every single day for like the past...3 months, at least. (We were active/busy when we moved houses, but when we were in the other house, we pretty much did the same thing, too. Except sometimes we'd take Cassie to the park or go for walks or have days/times where certain alters were out to do sh*t they liked, or something like that. Don't have that as much anymore).

I mean sure, we have D&D day on Wednesday where we actually leave the house and f*#king go outside and socialize. We also have "Art Day" on Monday, where we go over to a friend's house and usually L.C. and Luna spend all day doing art. And sometimes we break out and make Cassandra have a little fun on the weekends (like going to the local bar, going for a walk, f*#k even watching a movie). But in between all that, she's on her site. Day in, day out. We don't f*#king DO anything anymore. And I can't seem to do a f*#king thing about it!

That's what really p*sses me the f*#k off. I can't seem to do anything about any of this bullsh*t. I can't get anyone to do anything. Even when I'm in control it's hard! It's f*#ked up! And I HATE it. I'm not supposed to be affected by other alters' bullsh*t. And yet, L.C. and Luna's depression spreads like f*#king wildfire; Shay's almost impossible to get to do anything and she's mostly out during the day; the mutt's (Ray's) fear of leaving the room is like a f*#king tornado that sweeps you up whether you want it or not. I f*#king hate it. I don't care if I can't motivate anyone else to do anything, but when I can't f*#king find my own motivation, that's when I have a f*#king problem. The most I do anymore is drive for Cassandra. And even then I sometimes f*#king fail at it (meaning other alters still f*#king affect me). I don't know why I can't f*#king do anything about it anymore...

I used to be so much stronger. What the f*#k happened? What the f*#k is wrong with me? It used to be if I said "jump", Cassandra (and almost everyone else at the time) said "how high". Now I say "jump" and everyone including Cassandra says "what?" or "later" or "I'll think about it". What, do I have to be a complete f*#king b*tch to get people to listen? I though that's what I wasn't supposed to be. F*#king bullsh*t. I have like no authority anymore. I fear I'm not the "biggest dog on the block" anymore... and it F*#KING P*SSES ME OFF! I don't know how it happened, why it happened, where I went wrong, or how to fix this now that it's all f*#ked up. All I know is that I'm going f*#king insane not getting anything done.

We don't have a f*#king job, haven't for bit over a year now. She even f*#king stopped looking. We don't leave our room unless we have to or unless someone like me or Rebel or the boys are out. We don't get any f*#king exercise, we only eat when we realize we're starving, we have sh*t we still haven't taken care of from months ago (like paperwork-bill-type sh*t), we don't hang out with friends (that's not all her, though, that's also where we live and gas), we don't even do the f*#king laundry. We don't do jack sh*t and I don't know how to f*#king fix it.

I feel like I've aged a million years since Rain and I seemed to "lose" our ability to make Cassandra apply places and go to interviews (around 8 months ago). She'd still apply online every now and then, but eventually she quit altogether. I feel like a fire that's slowly being starved of oxygen. I don't feel like I can burn as bright or as strong as I used to. Yeah, I get douses of gasoline when someone or something p*sses me off, but other than that, I'm close to being nothing but embers. I don't know if there's less anger there, or if it's dying out because there's nothing to be angry at. There's no more "F*#k you world, watch me succeed" drive, there's no more "F*#k this sh*t, I can deal with anything thrown at me" attitude. There's just...a dying fire, slowly being more and more enclosed in an air-tight area by exhaustion. Half the time I only end up annoyed or just brushing something off because I'm too tired...the anger will flare up with a douse of gasoline, but then shrink back down to a flicker, and I'll just say "F*#k it". And I don't know what the f*#k to do about it.

I know I'm tired. I know I've been fighting for my whole life. I know I've been getting back up after being knocked down my whole life. I know. But that doesn't mean I'm supposed to just stop fighting. You can't take a breather till the bell rings, and the bell certainly hasn't f*#king rung for me yet. But I can't seem to get on my feet again. It's like someone hit a "shut down" button on me that I can't f*#king reverse. And that's not how it's supposed to be. I'm a fighter, I'm supposed to keep fighting. I've been a f*#king energizer bunny in the past, so what the f*#k happened? Why can't I f*#king fix it?


I know it doesn't help sh*t to now have Shay to deal with, and this f*#king "denial voice/alter" or whatever doesn't help either, but I was having these f*#king problems before they started making things even more f*#king difficult.

I'll probably regret posting this. I probably shouldn't post this, because I don't want Cassandra getting lectured on how she's on this site too much or anything, 'cause that'll just make her mad at me and that won't get anyone anywhere.
**That reminds me, anything anyone has to comment on how much time Cassandra/we spend on here, only do so in this thread. Please. I don't want to have to deal with Cassandra b*tching at me for posting this sh*t.**
I don't even remember where I was going with this post. Whatever.

-KAT

I know at least some of how you feel.. After aging so much lately and our life being the way it is now I find myself being calmer, more rational, not reacting on instinct (meaning fighting) and just in general losing grip on who I am and my passion is kinda burning out like you said.. It's frustrating and leaves me reacting more, until I just let it go because I can't sustain it Usually I'd exercise, fight, speak my mind, cuss, ######6 not care about anything except survival and making our life as fair as possible. Now we just lay around, are on here (where I post way too much for someone who's really not helpful, and I'm not saying that to drag myself down - it's just fact. I'm too blunt for most people), doing our career thing (with little success) and do small things with our SO. I wish we could go live a life like everyone else with a proper career, exercise, do stuff with the (internal) kids or build stuff or things like that.. But nope. We have some physical problems that are causing this as well so I know Nin's not to blame (our parents on the other hand making our physique like this!) but it doesn't help that fire inside of me stay any brighter..

Wish I could help but I'm finding if I just go with it, it means I'll probably change a bit but at least that way I'll feel I'll have a place in this life (don't feel that yet though..) and it'll stop being frustrating.

So yeah, that's my unhelpful rant.

I wanted to post that over the last 10 years of my life attempting to organize the 1,440 minutes in a day into some manifestation of a pleasant life for 20 (average) people, I can empathize wanting a little space to be an individual, and the struggle to own yourself in a situation where you exceed the common souls to body ratio. And for me, a battle-eager mouthy bitch, when I become less the warship commander and more the human being I no longer understand my identity. I vehemently reject any need to change who and what I am. Ultimately my role or position or whatever (ahem) is to preserve as much of our sanity as possible against external evils (literally evil). That role is less required now, and I become the career woman, organizer, whatever and I am not hosting crusades or pawing for my swords. Worse still is accepting I am losing the authoritative voice.

To give a semblance of an example: today is a beautiful day, weather-wise, and everyone (Kitty, Jade, Cleo and Faylinn for Christ’s sake, who should know better) are moaning to our foster kittens that we should call in sick from work to smother them in petting. (“Oh, sweet kitten, you need us at home, don’t you? You will be lonely, won’t you? You would be so happy if we stayed home to pet you all day!” - thanks Faylinn. Ehn. Gag.) I resent being put in the position. Why do they ask my permission if they have no intention of listening when I state the right course of action? Who I am as the mouthy one is forcing me to make the decision anyway. Faylinn still called off work and I am left with the feeling that I could have slashed with a proverbial sword instead of staying it. I am ######6 frustrated I did not get us off our ass.

Leon, the little $#%^, comments we have to simply work it out. Snort. Simple…

Blathered a bit, didn't I?

Lola

Dear Kat,

I am not sure how to respond to this message. I feel like I have been in a similar place. Before I got my current job I spent most of my time on the internet. I could be a tool for healing, or a tool for self-destruction. It could be a waste of time, or precipitate valuable therapy. I wish I could tell you the magic words to say to get yourself out of this perceived slump, but I don't have them. I got out of mine because I got a job (and I wasn't the most adamant searcher, mind you-searching for a job was one of the most frustrating and difficult things I have ever done, it wasn't easy for me, and it's okay that it's not easy for Cassandra. I honestly didn't even know if I could handle having a job until I got one and it turned out to be a good fit. I wish you the best of luck in this regard.) Until then, compromise is needed. You may not think you have as much power as you used to, and maybe you don't, maybe your power is transforming into some other kind of power, I don't know. But I know your system still needs you. And I know it's hard to fight this suffocating feeling; the fire metaphor felt so familiar to me, and that was really the hardest thing to deal with: the exhaustion. Can you make a compromise, such as going for a brief walk around the block (if you feel safe) in the mid-morning? Some times some crisp air and exercise-induced serotonin (the happy natural-brain-chemical) boost can make the afternoon a million times better. Can you make a deal with L.C. and Luna such as: if they want to do things they enjoy, they have to let someone else eat regular meals? Is there an alter who can be put "in charge" of food consumption? Spending time online can be an important part of the healing process, and even though we have a job and are going to school, we still spent 2-4 hours a day online as a part of our healing, and more time on weekends. Also, you need time to do what you love. What is it that you love to do? What is it that you are longing to do? Despite your lack of energy, you still sound fiery enough to work out a deal with these guys. I wish you the best!

- Not sure who I am

I have tried to make compromises and work out deals before. It always ends up the same way: I hold up my end, giving them their time and space, but they don't hold up their end. Any time I tried to go out to exercise or take care of sh*t, they'd ignore me and f*#king keep me inside. Yeah, I get that they're not trying to intentionally most of the time. They're depressed, they're scared to leave the room, they're in a strange place, yadda yadda yadda. But it's still f*#king frustrating when I follow through with what I say and then they don't. No matter what I do, they don't. So now that we're on vacation, with a complete change of everything, I've just said "f*#k this" and I've been taking control. I've been running, walking, swimming, the works. Yeah, my fire's still dwindling, and yeah, my only motivation right now is not to be bored or become a fat slob, but at least I'm still f*#king doing something. I only hope that the changes I'm making here, like getting us up and moving, won't f*#king change back when we go back home. And as for the job- that might just have to be something I have to force. Cassandra said she'd start searching when we get back home. I've heard that song before so we'll just have to wait and see how that goes.

-KAT

Hey Kat. I am sorry to hear that you all are struggling. I am glad you took control on vacation and began doing things you need to. I think this exercise will help the whole system. You may have to force your way out to do these things, until it becomes kind of an ingrained habit. As for job searching, are you currently seeing a therapist right now? Do you have a good support system? I think that is vitally important to have before taking on work. Also, start slow, take a part time job. The health of your system is most important.

Best of luck!