I think I may have MPD or DID....*trigger*

I have several personality states (three of which are causes for concern), each that takes over when different moods hit or things occur. Also, being with certain people tend to trigger different modes. But I don't perceive them as alters (though they are quite different from each other! and sometimes do interact amongst each other...), more like different personas but they certainly could be. I don't really have names for them, but I named them for this thread with what they remind me of.

1. Angel - when someone I love or care for is hurting, this one takes over. Very protective, huggy, consoling, tender, knows just what to say to help them or bring a smile back onto their face - I feel like I have big feathery wings when this takes over. Male or Genderless, perceived age varies.

2. Joker / Mr. Scratch - when I'm manic (see signature), this will take over. Hates the rest of me, loves a good party. And by party, I mean something sadistic just for the lolz. (Don't worry, never acted on it or threatened to - just deeply enjoys the idea of things of that nature). Loves rough sex, maniacal laughing/giggling, creepy circus music / torture music (e.g. Rob Zombie) or music about embracing insanity, dancing...also can't stop grinning. Male, older (by about 10-15 years).

3. Girly - my female side. Loves everything frilly, dainty, feminine. Knows fashion (and has good taste according to friends who have purchased what I suggested while in this personality) and loves cats. Even walks like a girl (which can be difficult to not do whenever other people are around!). Perceived bod is buxom but sexy (and also feels like I have a vagina ). Female, 30 years older.

4. Demon - my dark, angry side. When I am in a rage, especially over what I perceive to be an injustice, this will take over. I feel like I become this flaming skeleton (yep, just like Ghost Rider) with big, twisted dragon wings. Bared teeth, glaring/staring eyes, hot breath and a really bad temper. Loves power/speed metal and causing as much pain as possible (again, like #2, never have - I always keep myself in my room when these occur). Silent screaming/roaring (don't want to disturb anyone) while thrashing about is a norm. Hates anyone I perceive to be a source of pain. Masculine genderless, unsure of age but older.

5. Pyramid Head - while not as potentially violent as #4, this one is far more disturbing for me. Little to no emotion, sees everyone as equally deserving of punishment. Favorite place in the world would be an asylum - and not a nice one...the old rusty prison-type hellhole asylums. A role such as Warden would be desired - to rule over a madhouse of pain and insanity forever where no escape exists would be perfect. However, doesn't really want to bring on the pain - just wants to watch it take place. Loves the Silent Hill soundtrack (which is why I call that personality/alter Pyramid Head) and generally anything that sounds hellish and disturbing. Masculine genderless, 15 years older.

6. Kiddo - the child in me! Loves cartoons, reading books, swashbuckling adventure, that sort of stuff. Feelings are easily hurt and is easily disturbed, so handle with care! Cuddly, likes to snuggle up, playful and loves to pretend. Also loves sweet cereals. The concept of sex doesn't even register. Male, same age but less mature.

And then there's just regular me....kind of an even average of 1, 3 and 6.

Combine that with my Schizoaffective Disorder and you can imagine how interesting it gets!

So do I have MPD/DID? While I do feel the change between each persona/alter, I never black out between them or forget what happens when I switch...but at the same time each feels like a radically different person...

I wouldn't know, to be honest. I am not qualified to give a diagnosis. You would have to go to a therapist/psychologist/councilor to find out. It could be, or it could be more like "personas". I kinda have one that is nameless and I use them more for my art to keep it fresh and interesting.

Hi Nathanael. I see that in another forum here you posted:

I'm Nathanael, and I have good reason to believe I have schizoaffective disorder, possible MPD/DID, bipolar disorder, and possibly even other mental disorders. I haven't consulted anyone about it, though, as I'd rather handle it without the meds.

For what it's worth, DID is not treated with medications. Also, you are not likely to have more than one of any of these disorders, if any. That would be like having the flu and a cold and rheumatoid arthritis. The disorders you have listed all share certain signs and symptoms. A diagnosis is not just a label for a set of signs and symptoms: a diagnosis is an expert opinion that the observed signs and reported symptoms are due to a particular disorder. Getting an expert diagnosis is important because different disorders respond to different treatments.

Anasui wrote:I wouldn't know, to be honest. I am not qualified to give a diagnosis. You would have to go to a therapist/psychologist/councilor to find out. It could be, or it could be more like "personas". I kinda have one that is nameless and I use them more for my art to keep it fresh and interesting.

Thanks...people on here keep telling me to go get professional counseling/opinions....perhaps I should take their/your advice and go.

Una+ wrote:Hi Nathanael. I see that in another forum here you posted:

I'm Nathanael, and I have good reason to believe I have schizoaffective disorder, possible MPD/DID, bipolar disorder, and possibly even other mental disorders. I haven't consulted anyone about it, though, as I'd rather handle it without the meds.

For what it's worth, DID is not treated with medications. Also, you are not likely to have more than one of any of these disorders, if any. That would be like having the flu and a cold and rheumatoid arthritis. The disorders you have listed all share certain signs and symptoms. A diagnosis is not just a label for a set of signs and symptoms: a diagnosis is an expert opinion that the observed signs and reported symptoms are due to a particular disorder. Getting an expert diagnosis is important because different disorders respond to different treatments.

Well, as my signature says, everything I say on here comes from self-diagnosis. Looking at the symptoms, seeing what matches and what doesn't, is basically how I come to my opinion of what I have. And a part of what I have seems to match one set of symptoms, while another part seems to match another set of symptoms...and since I have yet to learn about any disorder that has all my symptoms, I thought I had more than one disorder. If it's not possible to have more than one, and if it turns out what I have is different than what I thought, I apologise. As I said, self-diagnosed...I'm just trying to find out what's wrong with me. I suppose I should go see a shrink - P-Head and Joker would love the idea anyways.

Nathanael~ wrote:I suppose I should go see a shrink

I don't know what you mean by shrink but I would recommend you get a consultation with a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in diagnosis of mental health problems related to trauma and dissociation.

By the way, a clinical psychologist is a PhD, not an MD, and in most jurisdictions a clinical psychologist is not licensed to prescribe medication. Thus, a clinical psychologist is an expert in helping people without prescribing medication.

Una+ wrote:

Nathanael~ wrote:I suppose I should go see a shrink

I don't know what you mean by shrink but I would recommend you get a consultation with a licensed clinical psychologist who specializes in diagnosis of mental health problems related to trauma and dissociation.

By the way, a clinical psychologist is a PhD, not an MD, and in most jurisdictions a clinical psychologist is not licensed to prescribe medication. Thus, a clinical psychologist is an expert in helping people without prescribing medication.

Shrink is an other term for psychologist. I heard that word a lot while I was living in the south most of my life.

Anasui wrote:Shrink is an other term for psychologist. I heard that word a lot while I was living in the south most of my life.

Often shrink is used to mean psychiatrist, or psychoanalyst, neither specialty very appropriate for treating disorders involving trauma and dissociation. In any case, my question was not what does it mean, but rather what does the original poster take it to mean.

Una+ wrote:

Anasui wrote:Shrink is an other term for psychologist. I heard that word a lot while I was living in the south most of my life.

Often shrink is used to mean psychiatrist, or psychoanalyst, neither specialty very appropriate for treating disorders involving trauma and dissociation. In any case, my question was not what does it mean, but rather what does the original poster take it to mean.

I wasn't too specific with what I meant, as really I've never tried to get professional help before and am not thinking clearly today...I guess I meant someone to analyze me, tell me what I have then determine what needs to be done with me...not sure which of the two - psychiatrist or psychologist - would be better to go to though.

From all that you've shared, you seem to be very aware of your possible system/alters. Was it always that way, or did you have to learn and discover things over the years?

It is possible to have DID without having black-outs/time loss. Black outs are simply the biggest, most common, and most obvious symptom that people look for, but it's not "required" or anything. DID is a varies-from-person-to-person disorder in many aspects. I just discovered that I don't black out or anything. I told myself and convinced myself that I did because I didn't want to remember things that I'd watch happen out of my control. I'm just now trying to face the truth that I don't really black out during some switches (a good part of me is co-conscious. If we want to, we can be aware of what's going on while each other is in control and we can share control at times as well, as well as switch at-will).

I self-diagnosed myself before going to get a real diagnosis. (In my situation, I was forced into therapy, but I'm happy I was. It truly helped more than I could've imagined, and it certainly helped my communication/knowledge of my alters and my system). I'd taken high school psychology classes and done massive research on my own time on the things that seemed to "fit" me. When the evaluation came back, I'd been right about everything- the PTSD, the Anxiety, the Depression, the Rapid Cycling Bipolar Disorder- the only one that wasn't there was DID. Long story short, this pissed off my angry alter, Kat, who decided to come "out" and give my psychologist, I guess (always get them mixed up), a piece of her mind. Though Kat is very different from me- different facial expressions, voice, stance, etc.- the psychologist still only put "possible DID". So I said "screw 'em, I know what's really going on", and I kept with my self-diagnosed DID. Someday I hope to get another evaluation, because I think a for-sure diagnosis would help me in my therapy pursuit and stuff. ANYWAY, the point of this was- you're not the only person to self-diagnose, but I would definitely get a professional diagnosis. If you feel they've diagnosed you wrong, stand up for yourself (respectfully, of course). Ask the psychologist why they diagnosed you that way and share your opinions/thoughts. The one good thing about being knowledgeable enough to "self-diagnose" is that you're prepared enough to know when people are over-looking things or something. BUT REMEMBER- self-diagnosing isn't set in stone. You need to keep an extremely open mind to the fact that you may be wrong, you may have a biased point of view (since it's yourself), and the danger that once you've think you've found the answer, you begin "molding" yourself to fit the supposed answer even more (which is why doctors dislike self-diagnosis). Also remember that fact- doctors don't like self-diagnosis. So, in order to not do what I did and not get off on the "wrong foot" with the psychologist, don't start listing off all that you think you have in an attempt to help them or something. They don't like it, and it's best to just let them analyze what you share with them. (That's another thing, be sure to lay out all your cards on the table, so to speak. They only know as much as you share with them, so if you pretend like you're "normal", they're going to think that you are).

Sorry to go on a bit of a ramble. I'm kinda mentally "fuzzy" right now, and my thought process isn't the clearest at the moment.

Anyway, from what you've shared, I'd say it's definitely possible that you have DDNOS or DID, and I'd start looking for at least a professional diagnosis. Regular therapy sessions wouldn't be a bad idea, either.

Oh yeah, and hello and welcome here! Sorry I forgot that. I hope this place is helpful to you! It's certainly a safe, supportive place. Hope you like it here.

Nathanael~ wrote:not sure which of the two - psychiatrist or psychologist - would be better to go to though.

Please see my first comment in this thread.