Alter wants to sleep with new guy...

Okay so I just got out of a relationship with my ex whose alters were abusive. It took me a long time to do it and now I'm getting involved with a lovely guy who I know would never hurt me. When I'm with him it takes my mind off all the bad things that happened, but when I'm away from him I'm just as confused as ever.

I said I’d go slow with him, I asked Sophie (my alter who is into violent sex/rape/BDSM) ever so nicely if she would just stay away from him and not try to sleep with him or try to turn him towards her violent fantasies, but of course she didn’t listen and last night decided to impress him with her best sexting skills, which he enjoyed of course, but now there’s no going back from that. It took us to a more serious level.

I’m going to have to explain to him about my alters some time but I can’t yet, it’s too early, especially for the darkest secrets such as Sophie’s rape fantasies and whatnot. I feel like I text him too much so I’ve just turned off my phone so I’m not thinking about him so much.

Sophie has suggested that he come over and stay on Monday… He was meant to be coming over at some point anyway, but that suggestion was before we’d really talked about sex at all so it was just going to be innocent as far as I’m concerned.

Basically she’s going to sleep with him whether I want to or not… Unless I explain… Which I might have to if I don’t want to get that serious that quickly… And oh my God even if I do explain, and say that I don’t want her to take things further, she’d probably just come out and beg him to come back to mine and have sex with her the next time we’re out together… I feel like I’m stuck in a corner. Don't tell him and he is unaware and sleeps with Sophie on Monday... Tell him and he says he won't sleep with me until Sophie comes out when we're both drunk and begs him to and then he thinks I am/she is a sex crazed freak, begging for sex for some guy I've only been involved with for two weeks.

What do I do?! :'(

Kaz x

You are in a difficult situation. I really do feel for you on that. I do remember, before I started dating my current boyfriend, one of his alters and I had a sexual fling. We didn't have sex, it was just more of some foreplay and some make out sessions... But that actually caused us to start a relationship, so I cannot say that I am "ashamed" exactly for doing that because I ended up with a VERY good relationship.

Now, if you feel uncomfortable about Sophie, then honestly you need to talk to him. It will be a lot easier especially because she just revealed herself to him through texting. Explain to him your condition and that there will be times when you are not yourself and if one of the alters does takes over, not to be "sexually" involved with them.

Hell, if there is a way where you can have it where you both can have a code for knowing when it's you and not having your alters know it (my boyfriend can drown his alters out and prevent them from listening to the outside world through listening to music. There has been a lot of times where he will have his music blasting and we're both having a serious conversation and he is able to recite the main points without any problem).

I know telling somebody else about something like DID is scary. But you are going to have to tell him sooner or later. I know that if my boyfriend didn't tell me about his DID while we were just friends, I HIGHLY DOUBT he would have told me about his DID right now. But I'm VERY happy to know that my boyfriend told me about his DID. it means that he doesn't have to hide it around and he doesn't have to feel bad when one of his alters says something and I take it even more personal than I should, thus causing him to have to fix more problems caused by the alter.

For me, I always just tell my SO about my crap. I'm up front with them because I don't think it's fair that they have to deal with my BPD without realizing that they are dealing with it. And who knows, maybe this guy will be understanding and will respect your wishes when it comes to preventing any of the alters to get with him.

You're going to need to tell him. Then alot may happen, and you're going to need to be prepared for the worst. If he is a good guy like you said, he may either accept you all, and respect your wishes at taking things slow and work with you, or he may choose to breakup with you. If he breaks you with you, that's ok. Just be a little wary of him trying to take advantage of you. I really really am not trying to scare you, but it really can be the case where a guy will try to use you because of DID. My ex went through it pretty badly, and i'm sure a few other women here have as well. Especially now that Sophie has presented him with an opportunity for sex. Just be careful and wary.

You're going to need to tell him regardless. If you end up in a long term relationship it will have to come out anyways. It's better to tell him earlier than later.

Riven wrote:You're going to need to tell him. Then alot may happen, and you're going to need to be prepared for the worst. If he is a good guy like you said, he may either accept you all, and respect your wishes at taking things slow and work with you, or he may choose to breakup with you. If he breaks you with you, that's ok. Just be a little wary of him trying to take advantage of you. I really really am not trying to scare you, but it really can be the case where a guy will try to use you because of DID. My ex went through it pretty badly, and i'm sure a few other women here have as well. Especially now that Sophie has presented him with an opportunity for sex. Just be careful and wary.

You're going to need to tell him regardless. If you end up in a long term relationship it will have to come out anyways. It's better to tell him earlier than later.

This. But not only that, I think any woman with any kind of mental health problem should always be weary.

Kaz, I wish you a lot of luck. I hope that the guy you are with is a good guy.

I am going to chime in with the others: it is time to disclose your DID to the new guy you are dating.

I found out about my DID many years after I married, so I never had to make exactly this disclosure. However, I did know I was a sexual abuse survivor and I married late, so I disclosed that to a number of prospective significant others. In my experience, disclosing such extremely important and relevant information about myself was far better done sooner, not later.

Dating is a discovery process. If he is going to reject you because of who you are, or who he thinks or fears you are, let him do it ASAP so you can move on ASAP. Your goal is to find someone who is a good fit for you, all of you. Good luck.

I had already told him that I got severe suicidal depression and that I had other issues... Back then he said it was okay and he would be fine with my mental health problems...

I just took everyone's advice and just told him. He's asking questions and what not, but he says he's okay with it. He's a lovely person so I know he won't try to take advantage of me. I'm glad he's okay with it - he doesn't really understand it yet though. I actually wrote a fictional book about DID lately as some of you may know about, and I self-published it. He bought a copy but hasn't started reading it yet, but I'm sure the book will pretty much explain everything.

Kaz x

There will be a point that he is going to probably feel like when he needs to talk to somebody about his feelings, tell him that he can make an account here. I originally made an account here because there really isn't a good support group for those who are dating/involved with a person with DID.

There are times when I really want to know that I'm not the only one who feels confused and sometimes overwhelmed with trying to understand DID. There are times when I'm not sure if I am technically dating just my boyfriend, or am I also involved with his alters. If one of the alters wants to date somebody and it's not me, then is it cheating if that personality dates an other person, or is it perfectly fine. If they do want to date, and they want to be with me, am I the one cheating with my boyfriend, or is it alright because it's his body still? Will my partner break up with me because the alters don't want him to be involved with me or anybody for that matter? If my partner merges/integrates, will they change to the point where they will no longer want to be with me? Or will they change to the point where I do not find their personality compatible with mine?

These kinds of questions will eventually creep up with him. And many more. It's not in any means him "attacking" you and not wanting to really talk much about it... But sometimes, it's easier to be able to actually talk to somebody who knows where they are coming from. I, for example, can normally tell everything to my sister. But since I started dating my current boyfriend, and mentioned his disorder (did not give any details about it), she doesn't understand where I am coming from and thinks that I am kinda crazy for even dating him... Especially because she views DID/MPD is like Sybil, Identity, and Isola; Girl with 13 Personalities which those movies are just an exaggeration of DID, and doesn't give that much of an accurate view of DID.

Talking to somebody who has/is dating can be very beneficial to him and help him know that he's not the only person who has done this.

I really would rather not have him here, with the amount of deeply personal stuff I post or have posted in the past...

Kaz x

That's understood. If he ever needs to talk to somebody, though, I can give him my tumblr.

Anasui wrote:That's understood. If he ever needs to talk to somebody, though, I can give him my tumblr.

Thank you . It shouldn't be that big a problem for him yet, we're not even together officially and only really see each other around friends/his band. I'll remember for in case he does need it though

Kaz x