Depressed Alters

These past couple of weeks have been...strange. I originally knew of one alter that was depressed (The Hummer) and seem to have one now that's even more depressed than her. She came to a therapy session with me end of last month (August 23rd), co-conscious. She instantly cried at the beginning of session then I was able to gain some control and then she started crying again.

She ended up staying co-conscious with me the whole day and part of the next with me having crying spells off and on and being extremely exhausted. I knew she wasn't The Hummer, because she hums when she comes out and then her depression comes on gradually. With this fam member, the depression was instant and honestly there was nothing to even suggest that she was coming out. No headache, no fatigue or any other signs I normally get. There have been a few lately that have been able to push through with no warning.

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Early yesterday morning, I had this visual of a female - looked like she was screaming. I could hear a faint scream but it wasn't loud, she looked as if she was locked up in a room. She was pulling on her hair and then she'd shake her head from side to side and beat on the sides of her head. She eventually put her hands over her ears as if she was trying to block something out. Then she laid down, curled up in a ball and pulled the blankets over her head.
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I started to feel panicky so I sat up for awhile before finally going to sleep. I informed my therapist yesterday afternoon, via email, of this and after emailing her the depressed alter appeared again. Which has me thinking that the alter I visualized is the depressed alter. I started having crying spells. She stayed with me for about a half hour then left, or honestly might have been pulled in by another alter because I was pretty well in panic mode by then.

I don't know how to help this alter. Besides the fact that she's extremely strong, she kind of frightens me because she seems, well...self-destructive. How do you guys go about helping your depressed alters?

Sorry this is so long.

Honestly, that sounds a lot of how I act when my BPD gets the better of me... I really am sorry you are going through this. Maybe you should go and talk to your T... Again, from some of what you talked about, describing this particular alter, it sounds like they could have BPD. BPD, however, has SO many general symptoms, that I may be just reading too much on it.

I do remember reading somewhere that it is VERY possible for an alter to even develop BPD. And a good chunk of those with DID, also qualify for being clinically diagnosed for BPD, or with BPD tendencies. The good thing is, if they do have BPD, it is treatable with Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT).

I will tell you that feeling like that is no fun... Feeling happy, but almost ALWAYS feeling like you are not worthy of even the most basic needs of human emotions (such as joy, happiness, love).

I do wish you and this particular alter the best of luck on being able to sort out and understand why she is depressed.

My therapist thinks she's holding a memory - possibly heard something traumatizing. It doesn't help that I had a nightmare last night either.

that could be, also. But I would think it be best that you and her go talking to the T more about it.

I would say it sounds more like she's holding some memories.
My biggest suggestion is trying to start/stay communicating with her. Let her know that you want to help her, that it's a different time now and that you are safe (if you are). Tell her that you and your T will try to help her (if you are).

We have two/three (depending how you see it) highly depressed alters. Two of them are very self-destructive. This is what has helped them the most, with the addition of giving them ways to express what it is they've been through: poems, writing, drawing, music. Giving them a way to reach out.

I hope you get to help her. Wishing you the best of luck!

Thank you for your reply. I have been working on communicating better with my fam members. All of them do have access to our journal and I'm looking into art therapy to help better express what's going on inside. I think I'll write in my journal to her so she'll know that it's a safe place for her to write. Thanks for the advice.

**May Trigger, mentions of self-harm and how to cope without self-harm**

We're depressed alters. We used to self-harm, too. It definitely sounds like she's holding a memory, or trapped in it. She could have PTSD. As for helping her cope with that memory, there's lots of stuff you can do without her turning to self-harm. If you're worried about her hurting herself/you, then definitely make sure you hide sharp objects, pills, belts, etc. if you're able to, before she comes out. Maybe you could set up things just for her, to help her cope with her emotions and sh*t, like a bag of only her things, or a corner where it's only her stuff, or a drawer, or something. Make sure she knows it's her stuff, though, and that it's out in the open the first few times so she can see it. You could get her a journal to write in, leave your computer on so she can type in it, a sketch book for her to draw in, rubber bands for her to wear on her wrist and snap them, things like that. We do a variety of sh*t instead of using self-harm to cope. To make it easy, here's a list:

-- Writing, typing, or drawing to express thoughts, feelings, etc. No matter what they are, or how dark they get. Writing them out is always better than acting them out. (Sometimes I write out suicide letters. It can help me put things in perspective when I'm that down. Like realizing how many people I'd affect, even if they're Cassandra's friends. It can also feel good to just write it out sometimes, even though I'm never going to do it). (Yeah, we realized after our last attempt that suicide is really a selfish act. We'd only ever do it if we didn't affect anyone- not even strangers like doctors- with our death. But that's not ever possible, so we don't ever do it).

-- Wearing and snapping rubber bands on our wrists. It causes pain to help you cope (whether you use it for distraction, self-punishment, etc), but it's not damaging or unsafe. If I'm really freaking out, I have a safety pin I can turn to as a last-ditch effort. (Clean and germ-free, of course). It can't cause enough damage to do anything, but it can break the skin and it can help with the desire to cut (I don't see using a safety pin as cutting because it's more like scratching).

-- Using a washable red marker to draw "cuts". Sometimes the red visual can help, and this way you're still "cutting" without actually cutting.

-- Listening or singing along to music that express our emotions. Even lip-syncing can help you feel better. Expressing those emotions instead of burying them can help them not be as bad. It's like letting a dog run free. They get anxious, so you let them out to run around, then they come back and feel better for a bit.

-- Reminding yourself that you're not alone in how you feel, what you're thinking, or what you're experiencing. You can either do this by writing notes, using self-talk, or even joining a support group. Also, make sure you have suicide hotline numbers and such just in case you ever need them.

-- Distraction. Sometimes, the best way to deal with feeling down is to cheer yourself up. Watching a favorite movie, eating some comfort foods, wearing your favorite clothes, listening to happy/your favorite music, basically doing anything and everything to make yourself feel better. Even forcing yourself to go outside for a short walk (or even a sit-down in the sun), or to go be social, can help. There's been plenty of times where L.C. and I won't want to do anything or go anywhere or be around anyone, and we'll b*tch about it every step of the way as we make ourselves do something, but then we find that after we actually start doing whatever it is we're doing, we begin to enjoy it and usually end up having a good time. By the end of it, we're happy that we made ourselves do that.

Hope you get all this sorted out soon, and that you're able to help this part of you. Good luck with everything! ~Luna ~L.C.

Thank you Luna and L.C. for this information. This is going to be a big help. I never even thought about setting up an area for my depressed insiders. I'm in the process of doing it for my littles, it only seems right to do it for other insiders as well.