my mom

**Trigger warning: Talk of family (mainly the mother), talk of death, hospitals, God, expressions of grief, sadness, and anger**

my mom was a good person. she was really nice and helpful. she always smiled and made other people smile. she helped everyone. kids, disabled kids, grownups, strangers, everyone she could help she would. she did lots of voluntear work. she worked at my school, she worked at childcare, she did arts and craft classes for kids, she worked at disabled schools, she worked with disabled kids, she worked for our church, she did so much!! no one didn't like her. lots of people called her a angel. she was strong. so so strong. she never let a bad mood change how she talked to people or acted towards people. she never treated anyone badly. she always got her work done on time. there was nothing she couldn't do. she was the bestest person i ever knew. the goodest person i ever knew. she really was like a angel.

my dad's not a angel. he's a good dad and a good person with some ruff edges. but he's not a angel. my mom was a angel.

my mom died when we were 10. she died very slowly. she died very painfully. my dad's still alive. i don't know why. i don't know why someone so good had to die. i don't know why God had to take her. i don't know why my dad gets to live when my mom didn't. my mom did so much with her life. so much more than my dad ever will. so why her?

my mom desserved so much more. so much better. my mom didn't desserve spina bifada. my mom didn't desserve to be born in pain. my mom didn't desserve all those bad doctor apointments when she was a kid. my mom didn't desserve to be bullied and teased. my mom didn't desserve to have her parents go thew a messy divorce. my mom didn't desserve to need a bladder bag. my mom didn't desserve to not be able to run. my mom didn't desserve to have toes that didn't work right. my mom didn't desserve to not be able to have as many kids as she wanted. my mom didn't desserve the stress my dad caused sumtimes. my mom didn't desserve a not-perfect mariage. my mom didn't desserve to die. my mom didn't desserve to die slowly or painfully. my mom desserved the bestest life but she never got it. the best thing she ever got out of life was me 'cause no one thawt she could ever have any kids 'cause of her spina bifada. and she desserved to watch me grow up. she didn't even get that. my mom had the most unfair life i knew for how much of a angel she always was. she had a unfair birth. she had a unfair life. and she had a unfair death. and she did nothing to ever desserve any of it.

my mom helped everyone. no one ever helped my mom. my mom did everything asked of her. no one ever did anything my mom asked. my dad didn't get help like she wanted him to. he always quit going to all the classes she'd sign him up for, like for anger. he didn't get help for his drinking. he never stopped drinking like he said he would. he didn't get help for his past like mom wanted him to. he didn't do anything she wanted him to. and now she's gone. and now he wished he'd done that stuff. but it's too late. why does everyone always wait until it's too late? why does someone have to die to make people wish they'd tried stuff or done stuff or changed somehow?

no one helped my mom when she first got sick before she died. she only hurt a bit then. but she knew sumthing was wrong. sumthing big. she wanted tests and scans. but no doctor listened to her. no one helped her. no one listened to her. people kept saying it was just headaches or migrains or that her jaw was out of place or that it was caused by other things. people kept brushing her off. they didn't care about her so much that they would give her medicine that she was allergic to!! it was on her chart that she was allergic! she'd even tell them so! she went to so many doctors...and no one helped her. she got so sick so fast...she was in so much pain so fast... even the doctor that we thawt was actually helpful wasn't because he only scanned up to her jaw. he didn't scan her head like he should've...like she wanted...he would've seen what was wrong if he had. she might've been saved...

my mom died because no one cared about her. because no one helped her. because no one listened to her. my mom died because she had lukeymia and bleeding in the brain. lukeymia that no one tested for and bleeding that no one scanned for. her head hurt from the beginning. and no one checked it. ever. no one thawt to check for a tumor, or bleeding, or anything. NO ONE!!! she went to so many doctors!! and not one of them helped. no one did blood tests like she wanted. no one scanned her head like she wanted. she even asked many times!! no one did anything about it. my mom died because no one helped her!!!!!!!!! my mom died because she was switching insurances and so no one cared about her. the doctor place she was leaving didn't care because she was leaving. urgent care doctors and regular doctors didn't care because she was just another patient. and kaiser didn't care because she was new and had just switched to them. it's not right! SOMEONE SHOULD HAVE CARED!!!

the ambulance drivers didn't even care!! they made her walk down the stairs even thou the stretcher fit in the hallway so easy! they didn't put on their sirens even thou she was delerious with pain!! she was screaming and crying so much! and swearing! my mom never swore! that's how i knew sumthing was really wrong... i hate those ambulance drivers!!!!!! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!! they did the worst job ever!! they didn't listen to me at all either! she's my mom! i think i know her better than you!

st vincents didn't care!! they tried to keep oxygen tubes in her nose when i told them it'd make her sick. they didn't listen to me. my mom got sick. THEN they took them out. i told you! i was right! they didn't give her anything for her pain. NOTHING AT ALL. they let her scream for hours and hours. they said it was 'cause they didn't know what they could give her or sumthing. i'm here! i know what she's allergic to! and you have her charts anyway! but they didn't listen to me. and they wouldn't let my dad or grandma give permission to give her stuff for the pain over the phone. she screamed so much and so loud that they had to move her to another room because she was upsetting other people and could be heard all the way in the lobby! so they moved her! as if she was like a dog who just wouldn't stop barking! they waited hours until my dad or my grandma got there before they gave her sumthing to help the pain!! i hate that hospital and those doctors and nurses! I HATE THEM SO MUCH!!!!

why? why did no one help my mom? why did God take her away from me? i don't care if He had His reasons. i didn't want her to go! i didn't even get to say goodbye! why did He take her away when she was starting to recover?? why did He let her suffer so much?? she was a angel who worshipped Him and did her best to follow His word. and He took her away so painfully. so suddenly. it was only like a few weeks from when she first noticed sumthing was wrong to when she died. she was in so much pain for those few weeks. it's not fair. she never desserved this.

i wish i knew everyone that didn't help her. i wish i knew all those doctors and those ambulance drivers. i wish i knew who they were so i could tell them how much they failed to help save a angel. i wish i could tell them how they helped my mom die. i wish i could tell them how much pain they helped make. i wish i could make them pay for not helping her.

i miss my mom so much... i wish she hadn't died. but if she had to die, i wish she had died in a better way...

Oh sweetie - Cassie - your Mama knows. She knows how you hurt for what she went through. How you tried to help. How angry you have been when she did so much and seemed to get so little... She sounds like she loved you so very much and I know, as a mama, that I would want my little one to think about those good times; those good things like you shared... To not linger on those last couple weeks..they don't define her. All the rest that you said - her goodness - this is her legacy.

**trigger religion** It says that God will use all things for the good of those who love him. All things. Even bad things. I can tell you I fall short of the good things your mama did. How busy and wonderful she sounds! But it seems she did not have a hard heart from the unfairness. She had a good, sweet heart. She used the teasing and the hurtfulness others gave...to grow in compassion and to give love to others who might be hurting.

Through the bad things, I have learned so much more how to care for others. And caring for others is a gift. You know how it is nice to get a gift...but to give one that someone else likes? To watch them smile? To see that you can give someone peace or kind words or happiness - this is the gift your mama got ..she got to see she made a difference to others. She kept busy helping because it made her happy. She didn't wonder about when it would be her turn, and I can see how she was an angel...

i don't have the kind of pain you talk about. I'm lucky. But I know that when I have my bad days I am comforted to know it is me and not my babygirl. Good mamas are like that. We so much rather have anything then to be the well one. it's hard to be the one not hurting....it's sad and hard that you had to watch her be in pain - I'm so sorry that that happened. When I look at my daughter who has an incurable disease and I wonder why God would allow it....two things happen. 1) I remember that disease is part of being in a fallen world - it is not what He wants for us; but it is a result (from a Christian perspective) of the world we currently are in....but I also know that it is not forever. And 2) we can use these things to give hope to others. She did not lose her faith, it sounds like...and that makes it so much easier for the rest of us to believe there is more than this. My babygirl is only 10...but she has already used her positive attitude to help others like her. She wants to grow up and find a cure...and maybe she will and she wouldn't if she hadn't gotten sick...

I never liked the phrase "I lost someone". They aren't lost. You know right where she is. She is in heaven and she is being rewarded far better than anyone here could ever reward her. You were right to say she deserved more than what she had and now she has it! It's hard to wait...but our lives are like blinks of an eye in the scheme of things. You will be reunited one day and it will be as if no time has passed. Until then, you keep growing and making her proud. Enjoy life!

You think on those happy times. Remember them and maybe try out some of the things she did to see what it was like for her; how rewarding it is to help others. I think that you know this though. you have helped me. Most of you have talked to me; touched my heart. I care an awful lot about you and I know that your Mama is proud of you. You are good, like her. Even those thoughts - wanting justice and vengeance...this just shows how very much you love her..but you don't have to prove it that way. She wouldn't want that for you.

I hope I have not gone overboard with my reply. I just really care that you are hurting and as a mama , I send you warm thoughts, safe hugs, and prayers for peace.

Sweet, sweet Cassie. I'm so sorry you're feeling like this and that this has happened to you (and your family). You DID NOT deserve this, and neither did your mother - you are so very right. I can't say much that helps.. **trigger warning** I am a religious woman myself but I can't explain or make it right.. **trigger warning end** All I/we can do is lend you an ear and just know that we are here for you and just please let us know if there's anything at all we can do to help in any way. ((safe hugs)) if wanted!

Hi! I'm sorry you can have as many ((safe hugs and cookies and kittens and anything you love)) as you want! It's ok to be sad though. I care about you!

thank you for everything you guys have said!! i feel better today. sumtimes it just hurts so much and seems so unfair. i try to remember the good times but they make me sad too. and sumtimes i can't think about the good times. sumtimes the bad memories just don't stop even if i want them too. most days are good and i try to live for her and make her proud. but some days are just so bad i don't know what to do. cassandra says i haven't excepted -accepted- yeah, that. she says i haven't acepted it yet. i dunno what that means. she said it means sumthing like i don't wanna face the fact that she's gone. but how's that posible? i know she's dead. or else she'd be here.

thanks again thou! you're all really nice.

THanks Cassie! you type really good! I appreciate how nice you are to respond to things! I hope that our Sharon will maybe not be so shy one day and come to the board and meet some of the nice people like you that come here!