STUCK

Um, I've been told that this is a safe place to vent and sh*t... yeah. I don't really know how stuff works here but I've seen a lot of warnings, so I'll give one too. **Trigger Warning: May Trigger**

I'm stuck. Stuck in a lot of sh*t. I'm stuck in this body. I'm stuck in this mind. I'm stuck in my past. I'm sick of being stuck. I hate it. And guys shouldn't be stuck anyway.

I miss my body. I miss my hair. I miss my piercings. I miss recognizing myself in the mirror. I'm not ME. I'm NOT ME. And I hate it. I just want to be ME. I'm not a girl. I don't like...girl parts. I mean, having them. They're uncomfortable. They're strange. They're not me. I hate not being me.

I miss my mind. Or, my part of the mind I guess. I miss when it was just me and Dal half the time, and the other half the time someone like Marie or Rebel would be with us. Sometimes it'd just be me; sometimes it'd just be me and someone like Marie; sometimes it'd just be dal and me; sometimes dal would just be with someone like rebel; now EVERYONE'S THERE ALL THE TIME. Marie, Valera, Rebel, Cassidy, and Dal. Well, sometimes Rebel disappears for some time, but otherwise everyone's there. all. the. f*#king. time. It's so different. And I don't really like it.

I relive my past over and over again. It follows me everywhere. I can't escape it. I come close when I smoke pot, but I have to smoke A LOT to actually chill out. I see things all the time. I have acid flashbacks a lot. I can't relax my muscles sometimes. I find memories replaying in my mind; it's like they're happening all over again. My heart will feel like it's going to explode. I'm in complete panic even if there's nothing currently wrong. (Unless I'm really high). Things move when they're not moving. I see cats, people, and cars where there are none. Things crawl on the walls. I hear voices I don't like and can't remember who they're from, but I recognize them. Male voices. Sometimes I hear my brother's voice when he's not talking. I get anxious. I fidget uncontrollably. (None of this happens in any sort of order, this is all just sh*t that happens to me). I can't ever get this sh*t to stop. I have nightmares of sh*t. Even if I'm really high, I still get hallucinations. They just don't freak me out as much and I stay calm. I just wish it would stop. I want it to stop.

I don't want to feel this way anymore.
I don't want to deal with this sh*t anymore.
I don't want to see or hear sh*t anymore.
I don't want to replay the past anymore.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
I won't dant to do this.
I don't want to suck it!!!!!!
I don't want this.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
I don't want to do this.
I won't do this.
I won't do this.
I won't do this.
I won't.

I WON'T! BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO!

I just want it to stop.
I'm going to smoke some more.
-Damone

Just as a warning marijuana can trigger underlying schizophrenia. If weed is making you hallucinate, I suggest laying off, however hard that might be (you will be glad you did ). Therapy can take the place you are trying to fill with this marijuana use. I can see how having to smoke so much could affect how much money you have, also it will for sure increase your dissociation and derealization. Ungrounding your feelings of being connected to reality. If I'm a singleton and get these feelings sometimes from even a little marijuana I wonder how it is affecting you? Do you have a therapist? And it might seem slow and low in life right now but one thing is for sure, CHANGE. Change always happens sometimes bad some good, but if you stay strong and weather through it all it can leave you better than how you were originally, and then u get to enjoy the good moments Good to see this post, venting is necessary

Thanks. Didn't expect any replies. I don't have a therapist. Don't like 'em. Don't like their dumb little offices. 'Sides, can't afford one.

Weed doesn't make me hallucinate. That sh*t happens every day. Half the time I see/hear sh*t 'cause of a acid flashback. The other half the time, I just see/hear sh*t. Don't know why. Weed keeps me calm and thinkin straight when this sh*t happens.

Tried going clean before. That was hell. Got swallowed up by sh*t like anxiety. After 4 months completely clean (of anything), Dal said he was done watchin me freak out and told me to smoke a bowl.

I don't smoke all the time. I don't smoke as much as I could a lot of the times neither. I'm a "couple-hits-everydayer", but I know I gotta keep sh*t relatively cheap and stuff. So when I do smoke a sh*t ton and actually chill out, it's 'cause I need to.

I get that weed can make sh*t worse but it doesn't for me. (And yeah, I know everyone says that). When I feel "fuzzy" and smoke, it makes me feel less "fuzzy" and more "here". The most I usually feel from weed is like I'm floating, or I get "the spins" (that's rare), but once I put a foot on the floor I feel fine again.

-Damone

Its tough. Everyone needs space. It took me a bit to get Inside to be large enough where everyone can be separate and have space and then some. Now Inside is about 200 sq miles or so (I think). Everyone has space, though venturing out to the fringes near what is called "the void" tends to lead me or others to other alters either not fully formed or not named and encountered yet. Phoenix, Fenris and Burke were found this way. I'll have to draw it some time, along with everyone else No ranting

Anyways, Meditation and concentration is what allowed Inside to turn into a vast landscape where people have their own spots and homes and dwelling. Hage's workshop is best. His door makes time slower inside, so he gets lots and lots done. I got lost there once for an hour in the morning and when i came out it was night It took a bit of help for several people, and about 2 weeks of daily mediation on top of near round clock mental work from people inside once everything took shape, but it's been worth it.

I don't know how your inner world is, but if you can see each other face to face, its doable. Everyone needs to work together, and try.

I haven't really done meditation. I tried it...but a hallucination or paranoia or anxiety will pull me out of it 'fore I can clear my mind. If that's possible...
I know the others have done meditation. It ain't easy for some, 'specially with ADHD. But they've done it. I don't know if it helps. I think it helps communication sometimes but that's it.

We have a pretty big inner world, actually. Seriously, it's like a f*#king library labyrinth. We've got sh*t tons of hallways and rooms; rooms with books; we got a main living room (I think there's 2 total, one for the "main guys" and one for us "secondary guys"); we got our own bedrooms (sound proof if wanted); if you go far enough down the hallways towards the unseen end, you'll find we have an area called "The Darkness". No one goes in that I know of unless forced (it's where the others end up sometimes when they lose time, I heard); no one knows what's past it- if anything; and no one knows what's in it except walls and empty rooms. (It's like a pitch-black maze that gets you lost and the further you go the wrong way, the further away you are from "consciousness/being up front"). It's a long walk up to the main guys' area. They got their own rooms, bedrooms, living room, and hallways. Then it's us secondary guys. Then it's another long f*#king stretch of hallways and sh*t. And then it's The Darkness. So, we got space. I think the only thing we don't got is outside, actually. We're a pretty "indoor" group, I guess.

I don't know why no one really uses the space... Never noticed that we tend to stick to our living room and bedrooms... I guess we never thought about wandering off anywhere... For some reason it seems "off" to think about. I don't know why.

-Damone

Weed keeps feelings suppressed. It doesn't surprise me that your anxiety comes back to you after you stopped suppressing it with weed. It doesn't surprise me either that it's not gone within 4 months of sobriety. The fear has been suppressed for so long, it's a way of life to use pot as a coping. Without it you would need different coping skills.
I was a heavy/very heavy daily smoker for 11 years. My main reasons for smoking it were -to be able to sleep, - to suppress feelings, - to manage depression, - and because of the taste which is so addictive. I've been sober for most of the past 9 months, aside from a few slips I had, and I swear that it makes such a big difference! I never realized how stoned/high I used to be, Daily. Yes we went through hell getting rid of it. It's still difficult and sometimes lonely because my friends are pot smokers. I didn't just lose the escape of weed, I also lost the escape of friends. I prepared us for about 6 months before quitting and I made it very clear why we were going to do this. It's great to be able to do this together, to have a common goal.
It also proved/proves to me how strong we collectively are, for being able to stop it and to hold on to being sober. It could become just as much part of your identity(ies) than smoking pot once was. Take for example the stress and anxiety that we had when we couldn't get weed, that's gone now. That is such a relief.
After having been sober for over 6 months, and trying to smoke again, I realized how much worse it makes symptoms, how much anxiety it provokes, and how stupid I get from using it. It definitely makes DP/DR much worse. It keeps you in a loop because the anxiety etc. makes you smoke again but it is never acknowledged because you smoke it away, so it can't be fixed so you smoke more to suppress more and it just keeps piling up. Weed is used to suppress feelings, and we need to feel to heal. I used to have excuses like, it makes me sleep and I'm scared of laying awake, or, weed dissolves my sense of identity and my awareness of myself so it helps against not feeling the shifts and confusions. Besides, when you're stoned, you don't care anymore about your inner feelings, it's much easier to dismiss yourself while always stoned. Now I think, who cares if you lay awake for a while, eventually you will fall asleep and learn natural ways to fall asleep, ways to be proud of, instead of being a frightened slave to insomnia. Now I'm glad with the awareness that I have of how my system works, and I'm glad when I know what's going on inside me so I can help fix it or figure out why I have certain reactions, instead of smoking the experience away.
Worst of all is of course that you're depending on it to feel normal, which I realized, isn't normal at all. I didn't notice anymore how strongly weed influenced me because I didn't know that difference anymore. I used to say that I dont get stoned. Thing is, I was never sober. I only smoked during evenings. Weed stays in your body for 6 weeks so if you smoke every day you're never really sober. I am for one, really happy to be rid of it. Not all of us agree but even they are happy with all the extra money we have now and better lungs and more independence.
Besides, I wouldn't want to have schizophrenia on top of everything else. It's just a waste of money, brain-cells and lungs. Sure I definitely believe you that you were freaking out and that you had enough of it. One of us was basically used to smoke and be stoned in stead of angry, so it was really difficult especially for him. We had to learn how to deal with this anger (, fear, insomnia, etc.) in a better way and are still learning.
I'm sorry for rambling on about pot. It's just that we're really really happy that we're sober now. It's a great learning experience and the best (maybe even the first) responsible decision I ever made for myself. I would only say, if you would try to stop smoking, you need to plan it carefully and make everyone aware of what you're going to do, why, and when.
Things worth fighting for are never easy.

Yeah, the fringes of Inside are all pitch black void with floating rocks and crap. Its in that area where less active people tend to reside reside, and new people can be found there. I've been told its basically the subconscious.

For ADHD, you can control it with diet. Fruits and vegetables are a real big thing that help. Less salt and sugar. It can help with being able to meditate.

Startin' to wonder if I shouldn'ta said anything 'bout the pot... No offense meant, of course. Quitting's just not for me. Or us. Not yet, at least. A lot of us are a lot better off smokin' it. I heard the body didn't start smoking till it was like 18. I know sh*t's better for me using it, and I hear it's better for others. It helps lot more than it "harms". (Yeah, I know, that's what every other f*#ker says, but I don't care). I know it's helped communication and switching and co-consciousness with the others before. Among other sh*t.

I can be a heavy smoker. But I ain't a lot of the time. Too much of any sh*t's bad for you, I get that. And the others are f*#kin' lightweights compared to me, so they don't smoke much. Some days, I hear no one smokes at all. And the only time being dry affects me is if I'm goin' through some sh*t and nothin' else works. Then I start wishin' I could just take a few hits and chill. I hear the others are the same way. Cool with bein' dry unless they could really use a helpful hit.

Don't smoke enough to have problems with lungs; ain't got problems with money thanks to some cool friends of Cassandra's (I hear we get discounts and free sh*t).
Independence, well, doubt that's ever really possible. People are always depending on something as an "escape". School, sports, drinking, smoking, art, reading, etc. 'Sides, we've lived without pot before, we can do it again. Just don't want to.

If you have schizophrenia, then you have schizophrenia. Pot doesn't "give" schizophrenia to you. It can just bring it out and make it noticeable when you didn't know you had it, or didn't realize how close you were to having it. Big difference.

I'm not trying to bring you (TheCollective) down or any sh*t like that by the way. Just replying to the stuff you said. It's great that quitting's worked out for you and helped you discover all this and sh*t. Good for you for takin' that step and bein' happier for it. Glad it's been such a positive thing for you. It's just not for me/us is all.




I hear we got a pretty good diet. Least when it comes to sh*t like fruit. Guess it helped a bit, but not that much. Pot's helped the others meditate before. It's helped me come close, but like I said, something like a f*#king hallucination or something will bring me out of "it" 'fore I get my mind clear/calm.

Again, not tryin' to knock anyone for their replies or anything. Didn't expect to get any so...thanks.

-Damone