Be truthfull, I can take it. Is my T right or wrong?

Hi all.

OK, so I'm not the easiest client to deal with. (Are any of us?) Anyway, resisting therapy seems to be my forte lately. I slept through the last 3 2 hour sessions. I have a part that I discovered 25 yrs ago & we named her "The Silent One" because she can shut down therapy, for example, to not have to deal with emotions. She will sometimes come out at home, too, to not have to deal with my SO & literally be silent for days & days.

This past June my disability supplemental kicked in & I don't anymore have to pay for therapy. The last 30 years of T has kept me in poverty for the most part so this is a refreshing change. HOWEVER, during my 'silent sessions', my T insists on charging me bc he, as a Christian man, does not feel right billing my insurances if I refuse to cooperate, so, I get charged $140.00 each session (at least this is a discounted rate) that 'The Silent One' attends session instead of me or others who will actually participate.

Excuse me...is 'The Silent One' not a part as well? Is it not my T's job/responsibility to find a way to reach that part as he would any other part? Granted, it may be more difficult but it is a 'part' & out of my control as are the others at this point in my recovery.

I don't know what to think about this. I can't afford it & I am so angry that I want to just fix my pain in unsafe ways. I just can't run full force every session. Sometimers you just need a break.

Sorry, I just had to vent this.

If I were your T probably I would do the same.

Hi Sotrsab.

I wouldn't say that you're "not the easiest client to deal with". It's not your fault that you have DID and that you can't cope with emotions too well and that you have certain symptoms because of the past things. So don't feel sorry about that!

But this "Silent One" is certainly making things tough! You can't put all the responsibility on your therapist's shoulders when it comes to helping parts since you have to do work too. Certainly this part needs to be heard and his/her needs need to be met. As you said yourself: "I just can't run full force every session. Sometimers you just need a break." Could you sometimes make shorter therapy sessions? Or maybe you could skip some therapy sessions in order to rest before the next one? 2 hour sessions sound terribly long! So it's certainly no wonder that you slept through three of them!

But your therapist is also right. If you don't work with him and he can't help you, it gets kinda tricky with the payment... After all, you are taking up his working time. So of course he has to get paid.

But the main point is that you should try to cooperate with this Silent One and try to find out why he/she is not talking at all. Maybe there's fear included. I do also understand your anger! Totally! But you have to find a way to communicate with this silent part. Maybe this part is deaf? Or mute? Have you tried communicating via writing? Maybe this part could write a letter to your therapist and tell him why she/he doesn't feel like talking?

Here's some thoughts for you. I hope it helps...

Two opinions here. Just two, really? There are currently 15 of us (after one integration).

First, if you are skipping the sessions entirely, I think your T is obligated to charge you rather than your insurance for the no shows. Almost any doctor's office will have notifications on their intake forms that you are responsible for paying the entirety of any bill resulting from cancellation within 24 hours prior to your appointment. He has obviously notified you of his intent and obligation to not bill your insurance and I'm assuming has given you his policies as for how much time is required to avoid being billed. If this is what you're describing, than I think he is in the rights to follow his policies, although I know a number of clinicians might waive such instances if they were occasional, rather than a pattern. My T is very generous both time-wise and financially, because we are on a single case agreement that pays him very limited amounts and he always offers extra time and contact, but he is also very honest with the insurance (and I wouldn't have it any other way).

Second, if you are showing up to the sessions, but whichever part is fronting is just not able to talk, then I find his response more problematic. My T, also a Christian, makes sure to stress to me that there is never any need for performance. That I am valued whether or not I can make best use of the time we have. There have been alters who can't talk during session for long periods of time and are in obvious distress. He keeps reaching out to them in those cases and eventually they have all felt safe to begin talking, though it took a long period of time. He never once pressured them, but only encouraged them that he believed they could communicate and even if he couldn't understand, he would keep trying. I participated in another forum where a member's therapist told them they had a client who showed up and didn't speak in sessions for a year. He said through that experience, he learned how to wait, and the client learned she was worth waiting for.

Overall, I think we do have to take responsibility for the behavior of our alters. When one of my protectors gets angry and does some ***TRIGGERS*** punishing suicidal alters or others causing distress by what amounts to self-harm behaviors ***END TRIGGERS***, I can explain to my T and my H that I didn't "do" those things, but the fact is, it doesn't change the fact that a behavior that is happening within our system is causing pain and stress to others. It's not my job to really worry about my T, but I do always apologize for the distress, because despite it being out of my volitional control, I am part of the person who is causing problems. I'm not saying you need to apologize for your T, but I don't think we can entirely abdicate responsibility either, and should to the best of our ability work to reconcile parts who are interfering with recovery to the work that is being done.

What does this mean? In my case, discovering the reasons behind (especially a protector) part's behavior, negotiating permission to share those reasons with T and let him respond, try to arrange changes to the environment or the therapeutic process which will give that part room to experiment with building some trust, seeing whether it might be safer than they thought. While it doesn't always work perfectly, I would say that the behaviors that cropped up when we first started realizing we had something like DID 1.5 years ago have been reduced by at least 75%. And being shut down, having that part and other parts pushing to leave or quit or cancel has reduced at least 50%. It sometimes takes time and a lot of effort to work with a protector part. I'm assuming that is what you are dealing with, a part whose design is somewhat to avoid triggers that lead to overwhelming affect or memories (either biographical or just memories of emotion) in more vulnerable parts, which may influence you.

What if you tried to recognize the value of her contribution first? Like, I know you have done your best to keep me safe from getting hurt again or being overwhelmed and I appreciate how hard you have been working to do that. I know my protector has described it as a sort of "$#!+ job" or "cleaning up others' messes," so maybe it's possible she feels that way? When I stressed his importance to my survival all these years and especially since starting therapy, because he kept dangerous parts contained, T really acknowledged that even if if his methods weren't ideal, he did appreciate the times that my protector kept other parts from behaving in even more damaging and permanent ways. This helped the protective part to realize, "Oh, this guy gets it. He doesn't agree with me, but I don't need him to. As long as he gets that I'm trying to keep things safe and when I get angry, it's because others are getting out of control." He still disagrees with T fundamentally on a lot of levels, but he trusts that they have at least one common goal and feels safe backing off while we are IN therapy. It took a number of conversations (direct and indirect through me) to get to that point. But, I had to be willing to both be compassionate toward my protector's experience of us getting destabilized, accept his anger over it, and let it be communicated to my T, even though showing anger is very threatening to me.

I also wonder, as safe as it feels to be silent, whether it is not quite a lonely thing for her. Whether she wouldn't want to have a place where she could be safe by having someone be there and acknowledge/validate her feelings of fear and pain, to comfort other vulnerable parts she may be protecting, help them through the anger and grief that has been so overwhelming. The protector I am referring to hasn't really needed comfort or support himself, but has been provided so much relief having someone else "deal with" the kids when they are in pain. It wasn't an easy job for him and he doesn't have the "parenting" skills that would allow him to be comforting to them, more the skills of a bouncer. So, whether or not this part is actually mainly detached/avoidant, there may be a great deal of relief in breaking her silence, sharing her concerns with T, and allowing him to address them directly.

So, back to what I was saying before. If you are showing up to sessions (rather than skipping without canceling) and your T is being punative that you are not working enough in sessions, I might take issue with that. For an alter to show up in a session, even if they are too scared or otherwise unable/unwilling to talk, I think it should be honored, their trusting enough to be there. And, I think if the person is safe enough with that part for long enough, they will eventually find a way to communicate their concerns. The parts with the greatest trust damage will sometimes take a very, very long time to share. I had several hours (added up over many sessions) of therapy with one mute-child part before she tried to write stuff to T, and several more before she started talking, and now she talks within a few minutes of coming out. Sometimes it just takes a lot of time to build the sense of safety that certain parts need.

Sorry if none of this is applicable or doesn't resonate with you. I just thought my experiences might be helpful.

Una+, Thank you for your reply. And, although you didn't say why, after reading Adameil's post I have better understanding of why you might feel this way. I still don't agree, but I do understand. Thank you for voting in.

Adameil, Thanks for your reply as well. I agree, The Silent One (T.S.O.) is making things tough. I will try again to communicate with that part, but honestly, I have been trying hard to contact the few parts that I know exist or believe to exist for however long forever is & even the ones I know exist don't communicate back. Makes me feel as though I have been wrongly diagnosed, like I am being forced into a mold where I don't belong. And, to answer your question, this part seems to hear what our T says, unless someone else relays it to her someother way, but she definitely will not talk. She must be the one who wakes up every morning bc no words come from this mouth for I'd say an hour at least - even to my three baby-dogs.

I'll really try to communicate with T.S.O. through writing. I appreciate your time in responding.
Thanks Adaneil.

yakusoku, Thanks for your response. I agree with your 1st statement. I don't no show, I go & actually try to get somewhere & it usually starts off well. My T hit a nerve though after the 1st 30 & I shut down. He couldn't bring me out of it & I feel I'm being penalized for that. A child part who I have just learned must have a connection with T.S.O. bc she started the quiet mode but after a bit she didn't control it anymore. I guess this is good news

You said, "
Second, if you are showing up to the sessions, but whichever part is fronting is just not able to talk, then I find his response more problematic. My T, also a Christian, makes sure to stress to me that there is never any need for performance. That I am valued whether or not I can make best use of the time we have. There have been alters who can't talk during session for long periods of time and are in obvious distress. He keeps reaching out to them in those cases and eventually they have all felt safe to begin talking, though it took a long period of time. He never once pressured them, but only encouraged them that he believed they could communicate and even if he couldn't understand, he would keep trying. I participated in another forum where a member's therapist told them they had a client who showed up and didn't speak in sessions for a year. He said through that experience, he learned how to wait, and the client learned she was worth waiting for."

This to me is so, so helpful. Especially the very last sentence. Thank you!!!! Even if it doesn't work out my way, I'll know how I feel on the inside. And, just in case I didn't make myself clear, I think that he should still bill Medicare & my supplemental as he would for any other alter that he sits in front of. That's all I was trying to say.

I'm curious...you also said, "Overall, I think we do have to take responsibility for the behavior of our alters." I don't agree or disagree yet I guess bc I don't know how to do that when I'm not co-conscious yet. I'm all ears to anyone who can give advice on that one!

"I'm assuming that is what you are dealing with, a part whose design is somewhat to avoid triggers that lead to overwhelming affect or memories (either biographical or just memories of emotion) in more vulnerable parts, which may influence you." I had to when I read this. You could be my T!

"What if you tried to recognize the value of her contribution first? Like, I know you have done your best to keep me safe from getting hurt again or being overwhelmed and I appreciate how hard you have been working to do that. I know my protector has described it as a sort of "$#!+ job" or "cleaning up others' messes," so maybe it's possible she feels that way?" This especially, but the whole paragraph is empowering to me. I thank you for it. I will do my best to hook up with T.S.O. in appreciation & friendship.

You opened a paragraph with : "I also wonder, as safe as it feels to be silent, whether it is not quite a lonely thing for her." And closed it with : "So, whether or not this part is actually mainly detached/avoidant, there may be a great deal of relief in breaking her silence, sharing her concerns with T, and allowing him to address them directly." After taking in the paragraph, I changed my original belief that this part just doesn't/cannot talk to feeling that she is wounded in some way & just sits safe in silence. Again, I'll try to reach her. Thank you.

Your last paragraph explains my emotions better than I did. I, as host, love my T a lot. However I have a young child part who likes/hates him, the latter being due to uncovering the "yucky stuff".

I've so much work to do. I don't even have an accurate, complete map of my system & nobody's talking to try help get us there. AGGHHH!!!!

Overall, I do feel better. I got to vent in my original post & I got to 're-vent' here. Response was awesome...thanks!...Sotrsab

The short answer: Your T has himself said "All behavior is purposeful in the system - it makes sense from their perspectives.". If he really means that he'd try to look past what T.S.O is doing, and look for her perspective. She is the way she is for a reason and making you pay for the time she spends out only further makes it clear that her presence as who she is, is not that welcomed there - or at least that's how most in my system would take it.

Best of luck going forward,
Nin

lifelongthing WOW! So profound! So True! So Glad you caught that bc I didn't & should have 1st. Guess that's the nature of DID though. Maybe I will go to T tomorrow. I wasn't going to & made sure I told him yeterday so I'd beat the 24 hr notice, simply & only bc I get so scared there that I clam up. I can't be charged every time I clam up bc my credit card is bursting at the seams as it is - not that I go crazy, It's all therapy, gas to get me there & regular groceries. Anyhow, if I don't go, yet give proper notice, he can't charge me. If I show a wantingness/willingness to go & try to heal but get scared & clam up, I get dinged 140.00. Sucks. Do you mind - does anybody who posted mind if I share this thread with him? I won't unless you say OK. Thanks...Sotrsab

Nin @lifelongthing wrote:making you pay for the time she spends out only further makes it clear that her presence as who she is, is not that welcomed there - or at least that's how most in my system would take it.

To me, this situation is a typical issue of locus of control. Sotsrsab seems to want her T to take full responsibility for engaging a difficult alter. However, Sotsrsab's T properly expects her to not only keep appointments but show up ready and willing to work.

Sotrsab wrote:Anyhow, if I don't go, yet give proper notice, he can't charge me. If I show a wantingness/willingness to go & try to heal but get scared & clam up, I get dinged 140.00.

I think that's exactly right, it is a show. And he is dinging you for that because your show is burnging his work hours, hours he could be spending more productively with other clients.

Sotrsab wrote:Do you mind - does anybody who posted mind if I share this thread with him?

My view: Go right ahead. No need to ask.

Una+, I did show up ready & willing to work. You must have missed the part where I said & I quote:

yakusoku, Thanks for your response. I agree with your 1st statement. I don't no show, I go & actually try to get somewhere & it usually starts off well. My T hit a nerve though after the 1st 30 & I shut down. He couldn't bring me out of it & I feel I'm being penalized for that. A child part who I have just learned must have a connection with T.S.O. bc she started the quiet mode but after a bit she didn't control it anymore. I guess this is good news

Thanks though.

Sotrsab wrote:He couldn't bring me out of it & I feel I'm being penalized for that.

How is it his job to "bring you out of it"?

Sounds like this alter isn't ready for therapy. How about going back to stage 1 stabilization and safety for a while?