Programmed to Protect

***Trigger warning for internal invalidation and denial.***

I am...we all are...in totality (i.e. the sum of us that is seen as "me")...programmed to protect our parents. It is an intense role reversal, partially one parental figure's narcissism and parentification of me in very early childhood...partially just us seeing how our needs were a threat to both parents, especially if they were at a loss due to their own deficiency to provide for them. I know why it is, but I can't seem to get myself to stop running the script, and it gets applied to almost anyone else in a close relationship, my taking responsibility, blame even, in order to protect others from feeling bad about themselves. Not even approaching forgiveness, because I refuse to admit what was done to me was wrong...because we all inside concluded, however illogically, that if the care was not there, there was something wrong with us, something lacking that made it impossible for it to be given (no, because that means they failed at least in a small way) or rather impossible for me to feel what must be there, because they said it was, even if most of their actions said otherwise, said what they wanted and needed, their precious self-image, was the highest priority and to be worshipped and defended at all costs.

I feel guilty for even saying this, because it is admitting, in a small way, the reality of their failure and the fact that good intentions (if there were any such thing) don't excuse not seeing or responding to your child, or responding in such a way that it was necessary to fracture to avoid the dilemma of attaching to unsafe or inconsistently available caregivers. I castigate myself for much smaller failures with my own daughter, but I cannot stop excusing them, or denying my own perceptions, or explaining how I have made it sound worse than it was. I simultaneously know what I grew up in was "toxic" to quote my T while lacking any permission to ever truly acknowledge it on a deeper level.

I think my T is losing patience with it, though he is still so kind about it. Even if I don't act it out, don't say what's in my head, if he starts talking about the ways their neglect, abuse and abandonment has clearly affected me, I begin to list the reasons why it is not true, or if it is true, not their fault, or if it is their fault how understandable it was considering the circumstances...or if all else fails, it is still my fault, because I failed to confront it. T wants me to be angry about what happened, but I don't. I can't even feel human enough to have a right to have been treated the way any halfway decent parent would treat their child. And, of course, I can't remember so many of those early years that I just pretend the awful stuff started later. Then, I invalidate the kids inside too. I'm not the only one. Even seeing that they mistreated me is a threat, because we feel like we will be seen seeing it. Like, we can't even know there is pain or rage or whatever else is there, because she'll know and it isn't safe. It's terror. I'm stuck in black and white and I start to go grey (accept the dual nature that they have like everyone else) and then I realize that anything except pure white (as an evaluation of my parents) is impossible and "wrong."

I don't know how to stop it. Forgiveness is out of the question, because I won't even admit I've been wronged. The best I can do is chalk it up to some sort of natural disaster. That's what my upbringing was. An act of God. A twist of fate. The thing that happens when something uninvited comes to be and the world is forced to teach it how it never should have existed. I feel guilty for making the world do that to me...I know nobody wanted to do it, but they had to because I had the audacity to aspire to life. I don't want to be like this anymore.

You are making progress. You will get there. If your T gets impatient, let him. His impatience is not your problem.

Our personal boundaries are of two kinds: those we defend against invasion by others, and those we patrol to stop us from going outside ourselves and getting into other people's business where we don't belong.

Hello. I am sorry you are fighting this inner conflict, and I can see it is very difficult for you. I want to commend you for writing this post, and I think it shows a great amount of progress that you are able to understand this inner conflict from both sides; and begin to understand it's origin. It is perfectly understandable. You were emotionally manipulated from such a young age, of course it is difficult to fight this. Your development taught it to you, and it's hard to shake something like that. Time will help. I agree with Una, your T's impatience is his problem, and as long as he is still being kind, I think that is a good thing.

I just want to say, it is okay to feel the things you are feeling. It makes sense that you were programmed to protect your parents, they raised you. Also, the idea of admitting that abuse occurred is terrifying and almost not possible, that is understandable too, because it feels like accusing innocent people. You understand your parents were human, and had their short-comings, all your reasoning makes sense.

You grew up with this reasoning, and to have it being questioned now shakes the foundation upon which your mind was built. It is okay and totally understandable that it is scary. Best of luck, hang in there, from where I'm standing, you're doing great.