new and curious.. .

Hello, I am new here as a member. Although I have been comming to this site regularly out of curiousity, which in itself makes me wonder why? I have been curious and interested in DID for awhile now. I have had some therapy in the past for domestic violence which then led me to talking about the sexul abuse that took place when I was young which I did not remember until years later. Yet through talking to her one of my concerns was this very disorder. I will explain why in further detail. As time has gone by I realize a gap of memory of my childhood. I also question if the sexual abuse occcured more than one time. I also remember the first incident of the abuse that I went away somewhere else in my head. And the other concern I have is (I told my T this at the time of seeing her) is I remember being in the back of my moms car as we were eating at A&W drive in restaruant. I remember hearing a voice in my head saying its ok now you can come back. Also, At the time of seeing my T I remember hearing my thoughts in 3rd person analizing everything I did or saying things like "Oh she is anxious and this or that" It worried me and told my T. later I stopped therapy because I felt I was doing ok. So Idk if I have this disorder or if I have a level of dissociation. I know sometimes my eyes go funny and things get blurry or out of focus. and this is not because I am tired. Also some dreams I have had in the past concern me. I had one dream where I was walking in a hallway full of may doors on either side. They were all closed except one. When I got to the opened dorr I saw me as a child. for some reason it caused me to have an anxiety attack in my own sleep i woke up hald on and half off the bed. Another dream I was in a room with four walls. no doors or windows.. It appeared as though hands or facess were trying to reach in and the walls seemed to be like clay..when I could see the faces or hands trying to reach me. I have no time loss. although I did have an episode when I had a panick attack at a bar when two men kept touching me. (I had some drinks that nite too) When I was panicking It was like I could see a brick wall right in front of me and I remember banging on the bar table as I was saying no and feeling strange about my actions and how I felt. I blacked out and woke up to several people comforting me and sending me home. I also remember going to a confrence around the time I was remembering the sexual abuse and they were talking about DID and it frightened me so I became very upset crying and i could not understand why. I do remember feeling very detatched from myself then like I was in a fog. sorry for the long post. just curious if anyone has any input or ideas. would be grateful for it.

Hello and welcome, wheatthins! I certainly hope you find this place helpful, I know I did. I'd love to write you an actual reply, but I'm feeling a bit fuzzy at the moment. Still, I wanted you to know that someone out there is listening, cares, and wants to help. So far, from what you've said, it definitely sounds like you could have DID, or at least a similar disorder. Perhaps you could read further about DID and see if anything sounds familiar or "clicks" with you? The thread "DID word meanings and common acronyms" by phoenixrise might also be of some help to you. I know it's a bit of a read, but it's worth it. I'll return to post more of a reply later. Until then, I hope others chime in to help you with this, and I wish you the best of luck in figuring all this out!

Thanks for your respinse. It is grately appreciated. I will def take a look at the post you spoke of altho i do remember reading something of that nature here so i may have already done so. But i will take another peak : ) thanks again.

-- Thu Aug 09, 2012 2:41 am --

Thanks for your respinse. It is grately appreciated. I will def take a look at the post you spoke of altho i do remember reading something of that nature here so i may have already done so. But i will take another peak : ) thanks again.

Hello, wheatthins, and welcome to this forum. It certainly seems like you have found the right place to be asking questions, and I hope you will at least find the right path to your answers here.

**Possible triggers, talk of DID, DDNOS, and PTSD**

Everything you have shared about you so far suggests that you could very well have DID, DDNOS, or at the very least, PTSD. Allow me to explain and hopefully you'll find something that seems to "hit home", as people say.

Let us start with the simplest one to explain, PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Many people mistake this as being a disorder only for soldiers, rape victims, etc. In truth, any type of trauma, such as the death of a family member or friend, can be enough to cause this disorder. When trauma occurs and one is reminded of the trauma in some way, flashbacks tend to occur, and the trauma victim with either "relive" the memory, to where they believe that the memory is happening all over again, or their mind will "replay" the memory, to where that is all they can think of and "see". People who have PTSD can have experiences such as "shut downs" or "key ups". With "shut downs", the person will feel numb, distant, emotionless, and perhaps even experience derealization or dissociation. The mind is refusing to let the reminder of the trauma have an affect on it, so it, in essence, "shuts down" to escape the situation. With "key ups", the person will feel more alert than usual, they fear for their safety even when they're safe, paranoia can be experienced, and trouble with sleeping or concentrating can occur. The mind is reacting to the reminder of the trauma, and is refusing to be caught off-guard or to let the trauma happen again by attempting to be prepared for it, and thus avoid it somehow.

PTSD, like any other mental disorder, is slightly different for everyone. Some people remember the trauma and their flashbacks, others don't. Either way, both the body and mind go into panic mode while experiencing a flashback, and this can lead to a variety of reactions. Some may run away, some may become violent, some may look to hide somehow, some may become hysterical, it all depends on the person and what trauma they experienced. Granted, I wish to make it clear that this is all summarization of information I have read. If you wish to know such things in more detail, I implore you to do some research of your own.



Dissociative Identity Disorder is of course also known as Multiple Personality Disorder. It occurs when people, namely children, experience trauma and abuse, be it physical, psychological, or sexual. The person is unable to cope with the trauma or abuse, and so the mind finds a way to survive by "creating others" to help the person deal with said trauma/abuse. This tactic helps the mind to do many things; it can deny that the trauma/abuse happened, it can believe that the trauma/abuse happened to "someone else", it can "store away" memories of the trauma/abuse so that the person can not be troubled by them until they are safe enough to do so and function throughout their life, it can help the person cope with the trauma/abuse they experience by providing help and ability to cope when there is none, etc. The characteristics of DID are as follows: memory problems such as blank spots, black outs, unclear or "fuzzy" memories, trouble with time structure such as thinking something happened yesterday when it happened a year ago; control problems such as out-of-body experiences, "watching" yourself do or say things with you unable to do anything about it or stop yourself, depersonalization, derealization, "fuzziness" such as not feeling "all there" but still functioning as if you are, uncontrollable mood swings, emotions and thoughts that seem to come out of nowhere; problems with hallucinations both auditory and visonary such as "seeing" people in your head, "hearing" voices in your head, "seeing" and "hearing" people that don't seem to be in your head but do not really exist, and flashbacks of memories; and finally, problems with identity, such as going by different names, feeling like a different person, thinking you're a different age, having gender identity issues, and having extreme, continuous, confusion as to who you "really are" or feeling as if you don't know yourself. Again, this is all summarization of what I know, so please, be sure to research a bit yourself if something seems to grab your interest.

When a split of the personality happens, switches between the different personalities are now possible. They are not always conscious switches, and they can happen for a variety of reasons called "triggers". For example, if someone was abused, they usually desire a protector, and so a personality will develop to help "protect" them from the abuse either by taking the brunt of the abuse, by hiding the abuse from conscious knowledge, or by fighting the abuser and standing up for themselves. Now say the person is in a safe place now, but something happens to where they feel they need to be protected again, such as an argument becomes ugly. That feeling of needing to be protected can be enough to trigger the protective personality to "come out" and deal with the situation, as was their purpose when the abuse was happening. Triggers for personalities can be anything from certain emotions, certain places, certain people, certain objects, to certain situations. It all depends on what the personality's purpose was/is, what the trauma/abuse was/is, what reminds the person of the trauma/abuse, etc. Keep in mind that switches are not always obvious. Sometimes they can be as subtle as a mood swing, and can happen just as quickly. Again, it all depends on the person.

However, let it be known that not everyone experiences black-outs or has blank spaces in their memory, just as not everyone hears voices or sees people inside or outside their heads. DID is a very person-specific disorder because it is designed as a survival tactic by the brain specifically for the person who needs to survive. Everyone's DID is different, but there are always similar symptoms and experiences.



Now, DDNOS, or dissociative disorder not otherwise specified, is for people who do not meet the full criteria for any specific dissociative disorder. So that you are fully informed of all the types of dissociative disorders, here they are: Dissociative Amnesia, Dissociative Fugue, Depersonalization Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Dissociative Disorder Not Otherwise Specified. If the other disorders that I have not discussed in further detail interest you, I highly suggest that you look into them further. Or, you may also ask me if you'd like, and I will gladly summarize information for you as I've done here so far. In the sense of having DID-like DDNOS, it means that you match some or most of the symptoms for DID, but they either are not severe enough for it to be full-on DID or you do not meet enough of the criteria for a certain diagnosis to be given. Some people start out being diagnosed with DID-like DDNOS, and then as they continue therapy it is discovered that they do have full-on DID, since some systems are designed to hide to stay protected/safe from whatever environment they were in. Some people only have DID-like DDNOS, and there is nothing "wrong" with that. If you have DID-like DDNOS instead of full-on DID, it does not in any way mean that you were abused "less" or were not abused "enough". It simply means that your mind used slightly different ways to cope with the trauma/abuse than someone with full-on DID. I hope that makes sense. With DID-like DDNOS, instead of having fully different personalities, the person can have extremely defined ego states to where they're distinct and different, but they are not fully separate and are still the same personality. Instead of switching to a different personality, the person will "switch" ego states, much like a mood swing on steroids. However, there is no actual personality change, no matter how extreme the ego state or mood swing is.


I fear that I am unable to write anymore currently, but I hope what information I have given you is helpful. If you have any questions, please do not hesitate to ask. I wish you the best of luck in continuing your search for the truth. If it helps you, so far from what you have told me, with the memories/dreams, the third-person thoughts/speech, etc., it does seem like you have a high possibility of DID, and I would do further research on it to see if things "click" or make sense to you. Again, I wish you the best of luck.

~Rain

thank you rain. your response is also appreciated. I have been reading alot here and through out the last year or so on the internet. Althought tonight while I was reading some threads I found myself begin to panick and feel strange. I went in the bathroom and a part of me did not want to look at myself, I was affraid to. I did find the courage to look and felt I looked slightly different..not me. I found myself saying calm down its ok. It seems a part of me wants to descover more yet another part is very scared. I also wanted to add that if I do have other personalities, i am guessing by me being here is upsetting. I remeber one time at vacation bible school the man who molested me threatendd me not to say anything. He happened to be nearby during vacation bible school. I was so terrified in side that I would open my mouth and say something I kept saying in my head...dont say anything dont say anything. I was for sure he would kill me. I sensed the same fear if not simular tonight. so I took a step away from here for awhile until I felt calm again. Also, If I do have other personalities something inside me says the name of one is jojo. I went by that name as a kid. and hearing the name seems to feel strange to me at times. sorry to reamble. I just think i overwhelemd myself. thanks for listening and taking the time to read this,

I am glad that I was able to be of some help, and am sorry that you are having some fear reactions to this. However, this is completely normal, so do not be stressed by this.

Looking in the mirror and not feeling like yourself is quite common for people with possible DID. Cassandra used to have conversations with us while looking in the mirror, because she felt validated when her facial expressions would change along with her voice. It helped her to become more comfortable with us, and it helped her to start learning more about us. When she would not feel like herself or recognize herself, she would ask outloud, "what am I supposed to look like right now?" Usually, answers would be "given" to her, such as Kat's voice telling her, "I have black hair". Sometimes, an entire image would emerge in Cassandra's head for her to "see" and realize what she was "supposed" to look like at that point in time. Learning more about why you do not feel like yourself or recognize yourself can help you understand your mind more, and it can better equip you to recognize possible switches, or even co-consciousness.
However, this can be scary. We recently had twin brothers surface to our awareness, and they both extremely dislike mirrors. It is unsettling to them to look into one and see that they are not in fact a male, but that they have a female's body. If a part of you is not ready to come to terms with the differences of appearance, do not force it. Listen to those feelings, and perhaps try some self-talk when you feel that way. Ask yourself why you are afraid to look in the mirror, ask what you expect to see, perhaps even ask what you "want" to look like at that moment because it could be a part of you that's projecting how they see themselves onto you.

But I do caution you: do not read too much into things, and beware of self-diagnosis. We as human beings can be so quick to jump at something that sounds like it fits, and in our haste to have "answers" we tend to subconsciously "mold" ourselves so that we "fit" those answers better. Keep saying words such as "if", and keep an open mind to new possibilities. So far, you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders about this. That's a good quality, don't lose it.

The fact that you found yourself saying "calm down, it's ok", despite the fear reaction you had, tells me that there could be a part or parts of you that are ready to be discovered, but they are still afraid, and they still follow their reflexive response to run and hide. If you are not in therapy already, I would suggest looking in to it. A therapist can not only help to diagnose you for sure, but they can also help this discovery process, and they can help make sure that you are safe throughout it. It is always good to have professional support just in case it is needed.
Parts and systems can have many different purposes, and they can be designed in many different ways to best fit the situation. For example, our system was designed to not be noticed. We were living in an unsafe environment and could not afford to be "found out", so to speak. To prevent fear and panic, as Cassandra became aware of our voices we would introduce ourselves to her by at least giving her our name. We presented ourselves to be similar to "shoulder angels" and "shoulder devils", so she knew that we were a part of her, but we were more like an extremely defined conscience that would help guide and assist her when needed. Switches were not dramatic, nor were they full black-outs. We could not call attention to ourselves when we switched, and we could not alarm Cassandra to report obvious gaps of time if she blacked out. So we would keep her in the "background", so to speak. She would not be in control, but she could still see everything that was going on. She would "watch" herself do things and say things out of her control, and while she would not understand why this would happen to her at the time, it was less disturbing to her than "losing time". The way we would switch and the way we would be upfront to Cassandra once she became aware of us is how our system helped to hide us. We were not noticed by friends or family as anything more than mere mood swings, and no one was alerted due to obvious memory loss. Granted, some memories are "fuzzier" to Cassandra because she was not the one that was "up front", but at least she still had an idea of them in case they were referenced by someone. Does that make sense?
Some parts and/or systems are designed specifically to deny their existence, to hide their existence, and to make it difficult for them to be discovered via fear responses, anger responses, denial, etc. The whole point of dissociation is to seem "ok" and "normal" when you and/or your situation is not. We made everyone see a happy child who did well in school and had no problems when in reality, we were not happy; school was our escape/outlet; and we had serious family problems. So it is natural for parts and systems to fight against discovery, especially if they believe it is still an unsafe environment.

The fact that you were threatened and forced into silence, and the fact that you felt the same emotions of fear when you went searching for answers tells me that if you have any different personalities, they still believe that they need to be silent and that it is not safe. There are things you can do to help decrease these reflexive responses. Are you currently in a safe environment? If not, this is where therapy can really help you. Make yourself feel as safe, relaxed, and calm as possible. Surround yourself with comforting things, such as stuffed animals, a special blanket, wear a special article of clothing, perhaps a special jewelry item such as a locket; whatever it is that helps you to feel safe and secure, get it. "Mother" yourself, in a way. Talk to yourself and remind yourself that those events are in the past. You are safe now, there is nothing threatening you, those threats are in the past, you are ok and you do not have to be silent anymore. You can even ask either outloud or "inside" your head if anyone else is there, and you can let them know that it is ok and safe to step forward. Perhaps ask for the possible JoJo by name. Be prepared, though. You may experience sudden emotions, such as anger or sadness, things that were "unsafe" for you to feel at that time. You may also find a part or parts of you that you were not aware of, so make sure that you are expectant of anything and everything. Hide all unsafe items such as pills and sharp objects. Lock them away if you can, or have someone hold on to them for you. Also, have help hotline numbers near or "in" your phone if you need them.

Above everything else, listen to yourself and your feelings and go at your own pace. You did a great job by taking a step back when you started to feel too overwhelmed, keep doing that if you need to. Be patient with yourself, and be kind to yourself. You will find the answers when you are ready to. Pushing yourself a bit is fine, but forcing yourself to do something when you do not feel ready is unnecessary stress you do not need. I hope that you continue to visit and get help from this site, even if breaks are needed at times. I continue to wish you the best of luck with this, and remember, you are not alone. This is a supportive and safe place for you if nothing else, and there will always be people who understand what you are experiencing. Do not be afraid to share anything, even if it is ramblings or merely to vent. It may seem to get harder as you continue searching for answers, but trust me, it will become easier, and in the long run, you will feel better and it will be healthier.

~Rain

Wow you are amazing and full of wisdom and compassion. Reading your last response really was insightful and useful and also comforting. Thanks so much for sharing and helping me. I do plan to look into a therapist since currently i am not seeing one. I can not express how grateful i am to your response. Infact i have to read it again because it was loaded with so much useful positve info. Much gratitude.

-- Mon Aug 13, 2012 3:33 am --

Wow you are amazing and full of wisdom and compassion. Reading your last response really was insightful and useful and also comforting. Thanks so much for sharing and helping me. I do plan to look into a therapist since currently i am not seeing one. I can not express how grateful i am to your response. Infact i have to read it again because it was loaded with so much useful positve info. Much gratitude.

-- Mon Aug 13, 2012 3:34 am --

Wow you are amazing and full of wisdom and compassion. Reading your last response really was insightful and useful and also comforting. Thanks so much for sharing and helping me. I do plan to look into a therapist since currently i am not seeing one. I can not express how grateful i am to your response. Infact i have to read it again because it was loaded with so much useful positve info. Much gratitude.

Thank you very much, and you are quite welcome. I am glad that I was able to be of help to you. I wish you luck with your search for a therapist.

~Rain