So confused - input would be appreciated.....

I feel really confused right now. I have been diagnosed this week with did by my dr. because i asked him.

I am in therapy for borderline personality disorder and recovering memories from my very abusive childhood.

I have an alter who is little that I know about, love very much and keep secret. She refers to herself by name and never says I. She is definitely hosted by me but I feel like I have control over when she takes over - until last week when i started getting overwhelmed with memories and lost control over her. She called my therapist and wanted to see her with her piggy who is her favorite toy. She went to therapy and was so very happy. This was when i knew something was up with therapist. I had an appt with dr. this week and he was the one who told me.

I don't have names for my personalities but I have been many things and can switch religious, political, moral, beliefs at the drop of a hat. definitely act differently in different personalities such as one might cuss and be a bad girl while another is very prim. and when I am in one state of being I can't imagine why I wanted to act the other way. But I am aware of doing all this.

I have never bought things I don't remember but I have thrown out clothing because I couldn't understand why I bought it only to want it again days, weeks, months later and have to rebuy those styles again. I have about 4 or 5 different wardrobes.

I blocked out most of my childhood. I don't even remember where we ate dinner in the first house we lived in until i was in 5th grade. I don't remember the furniture but most of the layout of the houses. Everything is very hazy.

I couldn't tell you when I got married or on what dates for either marriage but I remember getting married.

I don't remember very many of my birthdays or what I did on them.

I do tend to have current memory of what I have done recently but then seem to later lose big chunks of it.

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I did have a experience where I met the goddess but now I think that was just me splitting. This happened a year and a half ago. But it seemed very real and outside of myself.

It seems I switch when I get really stressed out.

This is all so new to me that i am in shock. Sometimes I think yep, that's me but then other times I find reasons not to belive I have it.

any insight or input would be appreciated.
Thanks,

L

Welcome to this forum. A lot, and I mean a LOT, of what you have said is very familiar to me. I'm really glad to hear you have a dr. and a T, I think that will be instrumental in helping you through this journey. This forum is also a place filled with wonderful, caring people.

lgpp wrote:I have an alter who is little that I know about, love very much and keep secret.

Do you find yourself keeping her a secret more than other alters? That would make sense. Littles are often heavily protected.

lgpp wrote: She called my therapist and wanted to see her with her piggy who is her favorite toy. She went to therapy and was so very happy.

I'm also so glad to hear that your little trusts your therapist! It makes me happy to hear she had a good session. Our 7-year-old is trying to work up the courage to talk to our therapist.

lgpp wrote:I don't have names for my personalities but I have been many things and can switch religious, political, moral, beliefs at the drop of a hat. definitely act differently in different personalities such as one might cuss and be a bad girl while another is very prim. and when I am in one state of being I can't imagine why I wanted to act the other way. But I am aware of doing all this.

I honestly couldn't have said it better. I find this is exactly what I go through. Some alters are religious, some never think about religion. Some alters cuss and others can't even utter a curse word. Some alters speak slang that would make others feel incredibly awkward. Names are not a requirement, but may come in time.

lgpp wrote:I have never bought things I don't remember but I have thrown out clothing because I couldn't understand why I bought it only to want it again days, weeks, months later and have to rebuy those styles again. I have about 4 or 5 different wardrobes.

Once again, exactly like me. Shopping for clothes can be really stressful because we switch in the store, or switch right after a purchase and regret it, then later regret throwing it out. >< So familiar. Our closet is also a drastic mix-match.

lgpp wrote:I do tend to have current memory of what I have done recently but then seem to later lose big chunks of it.

I have noticed this specifically a lot recently in myself. Memories will come in time, as you are ready, and memory loss is one symptom of DID. We have instances such as seeing two friends in one week (which is a lot of socializing for us), and a different alter hangs out with each friend. Later, one friend brings up what we did when we hung out, and I (owl) don't remember it, until Fox (who was there) reminds me.

How is communication in your system? Do your alters talk to each other? To you? How do you communicate?

Best wishes, and a warm welcome.
- Owl and others

I am knew to this whole thing too... Sorta, but I am like that, except I don't have a little **that I am aware of** but the other things your describing I totally get... I switch a lot. and my memory is terrible. I am missing chucks. My friends say I am air-heard but in honestly its more.... alters. i only have a name for one... but I am sure there is more.

doe-eyed wrote:Do you find yourself keeping her a secret more than other alters? That would make sense. Littles are often heavily protected

Very much so, mainly because of her age and I am 50! But I work in retail managing a store and very once and a while I would forget and she would speak for herself. As I said she always refers to herself as "little girl" (which makes sense as I have named my cats white kitty, black kitty, ect. The customer would look at me in total confusion and I would just stare back at them and move on like it had never happened. it was very embarrassing - so much so that I never even tried to explain. I did this with my mother and daughter a couple of times too.

doe-eyed wrote:How is communication in your system? Do your alters talk to each other? To you? How do you communicate?

Some of my alters do talk and play together with little girl especially. I have one alter or guide (I think she is more of a guide because she is always there no matter what personality is engaged) who is the Goddess. She and little girl went and picked berries and talked to each other. The goddess will talk to all my alters (that I know of anyway) I have one personality who is a witch. She and the Goddess especially work together. She is a witch because she loves nature and studies nature to learn about life. She loves animals and I live on a huge farm. She collects bones, feathers, and other natural things she finds. But I also believe in God and the Bible (hence so much confusion! even though the two don't conflict in my mind...)

I think everyone just communicates through me which is the host. Some of my identities don't particularly like each other though. And when they are around they will talk down about the others in the form of "why did you want to do that?!!? or wear that, or listen to that music, ect"

I know what you mean about socialization. I have very very very very few friends. Lots of people i know through work (I work alone my boss is out of town) who are casual acquaintences but I share as little as possible about myself and feel very uncomfortable when people start asking me personal questions such as where do you live, did you grow up here (no) ect. I am extremely private.

Thank you for your response. I woke up in the middle of the night with a huge feeling of derealization, feeling very foggy because I had just decided after leaving my job this spring, to return to it. I feel like I need the structure of going some place that is outside of my home and my control. It anchors me to get dressed for work and know that I have to be there and have a set responsibility. My job is a lot of fun - plus I get to dress up! I have even told my boss this week about the did and lgpp. she is wonderful and very caring. But when I woke up I knew that I had it. Actually after writing my first post and rereading it I knew. Sometimes I go into denial about it, and it doesn't seem real, because it is so new.

L

-- Sun Aug 05, 2012 6:55 am --

Shadowpriestess22 wrote: My friends say I am air-heard but in honestly its more.... alters. i only have a name for one... but I am sure there is more.

Me too! I thought I had add because I was so spacey and would switch my focus so much. since I have been on meds a lot of that has slowed down and I am becoming more aware. I find one trigger for switching is stress (I can think back and a few very stressful things have led me to an instantanious switch). Another for me is music. Now I realize I switch my focus because i am switching identities. I only know some of my alters/other identities also.

This sounds like classic DID to me. Being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder is typical, until the person doing the diagnosis notices the structural dissociation. Some of us do have alters who have borderline personality disorder, but very often the BPD diagnosis is just a misdiagnosis of overt DID.

To grossly simplify the distinction between BPD and DID, there is this:

BPD: unstable identity.

DID: multiple identities, usually stable but sometimes not (then BPD).

Shadowpriestess22 wrote:I switch a lot. and my memory is terrible. I am missing chucks. My friends say I am air-heard but in honestly its more.... alters. i only have a name for one... but I am sure there is more.

(Sparrow) My friends say this too! I haven't told them about my DID yet. My friends would also say that before I knew about my DID too. A few months before I recognized my alters as alters, I started keeping a journal as a fun way to communicate with a friend of mine. She laughed (in a good way) about my first entry, because it was really "random" and all over the place, constantly changing topics without warning. I now think this may have been because of my DID. Honestly, it bothers me when my friends make fun of me for my memory loss or "not understanding" of things, because it's because of my DID. And it hurts.