Formal Introduction

I'm Sam
Mary - RIP - 13
Flip - Drug Addict - 16
Plain Jane - Mary's Opposite - Same age as me
Wrath - The Daughter - ?
Auto Pilot - The Depersonalized State

That's my crew. It started at 13. It was an interesting mix of experiences that led to me breaking. Not what you're used to seeing with DID. But regardless of the cause, at 13 I broke. Into pieces. And pieces keep coming. I have only been "myself" for maybe 2 years since 13.

In 2008, I suffered a tragic death in my life and it's been a downhill slide since then. I spent the last year on auto pilot mode and that finally gave out. When I'm blank like that, I'm blank. There's no emotion or voices or thought - nothing. When it runs out, the emotion and the voices and the thoughts rush in and are instantly overwhelming. That's where I'm at now.

The normal pattern would be just to peace out mentally and leave it to the crew to figure out who I need to be right now. But I don't want to survive right now. I want to be me. I want to live my life. I want to be able to appreciate everything wonderful in my life without other parts of me arguing or $#%^ talking while I'm doing it. I have a family and there's a piece of me that wants to walk away and just go live another life every day. And there's a piece of me that hates myself for having a part that could do something so horrible to those I love. It's exhausting...

So there's the short story version. Each alter has their own life and their own story. They are mostly kept from having control, but that in itself is a lie I tell myself because someone is always in control and though it may not be the alters I'm conscious of, it sure as hell isn't me.

I'm so glad I found this forum. I need others right now. I've isolated myself beyond recognition. It's helped me so much already just to read everyone's posts. I've done really well the last couple weeks keeping things calm and I have this forum to thank for that. Thank you all for being here. I feel like I belong.

Hi Sam - welcome! I'm glad you feel you belong here. I feel that too.

-- Wed Aug 01, 2012 6:35 am --

Hi Sam

Welcome! I'm glad you feel you belong here. I feel that too.

Hi Sam and crew, it's awesome to see you here, thanks so much for posting. It's really great to meet you all.

Hi and Welcome all!

Welcome you all! I can definitely relate to a lot of what you wrote. Having alters that want different things is exhausting, and it can be very hard when one alters has thoughts that another alter finds completely offensive. We often have those conflicts.

Also, the "depersonalized state" you mentioned sounds remarkably similar to what I experience. I've tried to figure it out, what I'm feeling, like no alter is forward. Maybe that's it? I never considered it a possibility, I just thought I (Owl) Was different than my other alters' in that I could blend and become co-conscious. But it does seem like there are times when we are co-conscious, but no one is really in the front, and many alters are kind of half-out. This may be how we learned to cooperate, but it leaves me feeling tired and unsure a lot of the time.

Look forward to talking with you more.