"Coming out"

I've only just started posting - very new to all of this - well, not to DID, but to realising that I have it! I apologise for posting then vanishing for a while - I keep reading this forum, wanting to respond to or post something, and then it all gets too overwhelming. I know it can be like this in the first few weeks after a dx - and I'm sending my thoughts to everyone else in the same situation - it's hard, isn't it!

I told you in another post that I'm a therapist - more about that another time - and that means that I have the most amazing friends who are also therapists - and would be incredibly understanding and supportive if I were to tell them about this. At the same time, of course I don't want it to become general knowledge at the college where I teach and practise - a college that teaches integrative and transpersonal psychotherapy! So I'm not sure yet what to say to whom - my instinct is not to talk to anyone about it just yet, except for one friend whom I've known for years - she was my student a long time ago, then became a friend, and she is the first person to whom I would tell anything, because I know I can trust that it will go no further. I'm going to talk to her on Friday - and it's still a little scary - I don't want it to change the way she sees me - and I'm almost sure that it won't. But not telling any of my other friends who are also colleague feels like being surrounded by deep, fresh water and not being able to drink! They would be wonderful - and I'm not ready to tell them. I'm sure other people can understand that!

However, I've said enough here and there for a few of my colleagues to have some idea, even if they never think of DID. They know about emdr, and that I've been doing it twice-weekly for a year (and do the math, that adds up to something!) They know a little about "other parts of me", because I've talked about them, even though I'm pretty sure they aren't thinking DID. Last week, I switched right in front of one of them. We do peer supervision and were talking about meeting, and that we wouldn't have time for supervision next time we got together, and something triggered one of my "others". When that happens, I can still think, but don't have control of my face or what I feel. I felt incredibly sad with that specific "coming from one of the others" sadness. My friend noticed that my face had changed and asked what it was. I was saying at the time that I did need supervision, and she thought that I was sad because of that. As we walked out of the building, she patted my arm, which is the kind of gesture she rarely makes, and said, "Don't worry - you and I can do supervision." Then she said, "You look unhappy", and I tried to explain without explaining, telling her that "I" was happy but some of the "other me's" weren't. She laughed and said, "Oh, you mean you're happy but your split-off other selves aren't", and I also laughed and said yes, but it was kind of hard and funny at the same time that she was joking, but it was real! Then on Friday night I was at her house; we spent the evening talking, sitting on her sofa, and I'd thought that perhaps I'd tell her - but didn't need to - not yet.

All this is background to my thought tonight, which was, what if the people I told got to know more about DID, and DDNOS, through me? What if it demystified the subject for them, showed them that people whom they think of as really high-functioning can also have it? Including therapists! (More on this another time. My host self has had real, good therapy - 8 years then 3 years - as well as 25 years of different kinds of healing work - yoga - kundalini yoga - because I knew from my late teens that I needed help, and sought it out - and that makes all the difference, I'm sure. And my gate-keeper kept the others so well hidden that I had no idea they were there until this year. I would never have been able to study or do any of the things I've done if he hadn't been able to do that. So I was lucky enough to have a host, or an ANP, who does, now, after a long time! function very well - and no "lack of affect" - no-one would know about the DID - it just doesn't show up in any obvious way.) I'm still scared of telling any of my colleagues, I just think it might be a kind of "coming out" that would be a good thing to do. What do you think?

And btw, I love the alternative to DDNOS - DDWTF! Still thinking about DID vs DDNOS - according to the the phenomenological perspective of DID, I certainly have it. More another time.

Thank you for reading!

This is an interesting topic for me....because I have spent the last week contemplating the fact that there are very few people that really know what goes on with me at any given time. I to am highly functional yet still have times where things go haywire....such as this past few days I unintentionally shut myself down completely leaving the little ones in charge for several days which included days at work. Not a good thing to say the least luckily my teen can fake it enough to get by temporarily.

I fear that if I tell the wrong people they wont understand and even the ones I think might understand im terrified of telling them...so I can understand your hesitation in telling people.

The big question is how do we qualify someone to know to let certain people in and not others I dont know how to make those choices myself and trying to find a new therapist that might help has been next to impossible where I live for some reason. Sarasota Florida doesnt seem to have anyone experianced enough in DID to even attempt to help

Sara2012 wrote: But not telling any of my other friends who are also colleague feels like being surrounded by deep, fresh water and not being able to drink! They would be wonderful - and I'm not ready to tell them. I'm sure other people can understand that!

What a poetic metaphor...I can imagine you must feel tempted to drink those waters. The people in my life that I have told are hardly at a psychology 101 level of knowledge, and they have all been very helpful. Even just the feeling of getting the "secret" of having DID out feels freeing. I say go for it if you trust them.

Tara
I ran across this while looking for help in Florida myself. Alternative treatment international, Cleareater 800-897-8060

Hope it is useful.

Coming out as DID was a little easier for me because I am a gay man who was in a straight marriage and fathered three kids, so I have done "orientation" coming-out with a lot of folks, and live an open gay life now.

Here's what I learned at the time about coming out as a gay man: every time you come out to someone new, you come out to yourself in a new way.

I have chosen very carefully the people to whom I am completely open. I told my ex-wife, because I thought she deserved to know for the sake of better understanding the incongruities in our marriage. I came out to a friend with whom I enjoy goofing around (non-sexually) because he was outside of my normal circle of friends and I believed he was trustworthy (still do). I came out to my husband the day I was diagnosed. I came out to a chaplain with whom I pray, and the massage therapist who works on me. One of my alters came out one day during a massage, but I don't know that he was aware of it. I was co-conscious. I am out to my MD who understood already that different alters can have different metabolisms, so addressing prescriptions gets a little extra detail work. I am out to my therapist and the psychiatrist who I initially sought for help with PTSD. I am an endurance runner and I came out to my two coaches so that they would understand some of the challenges of getting my other 7 selves to run a marathon (we did), and also understand the DID headaches that sometimes get me (I run through them unless they are severe).

I am also in a helping profession in which I work with many people. I have chosen not to be out as DID in this capacity because I don't see the benefit to them.

My therapist has met my alters; my psychiatrist and MD have not. I have considered introducing them, since I think I am my young psychiatrist's first bonafide DID patient, and my MD told me I was his first.

I am open about the sexual abuse I endured as a child and the resulting PTSD and clinical depression. I have considered starting a DID support group in my area to see if there are others nearby who could use an understanding friend, but I am not certain I am willing to take so public a risk.

Your colleagues will likely be supportive, but you may be setting yourself up for scrutiny and life in a goldfish bowl. If you have a private therapist, I would discuss it in that context; if you don't, perhaps that would be helpful.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you for the replies - and, epluribusunum, great point about setting oneself up for scrutiny and life in a goldfish bowl. I can understand not wanting to go as public as setting up a support group either! In my original post, I talked about coming out as gay, then deleted those bits, but that was the comparison that was in my mind! The more people who get to know gay people and see them as strong and happy, living their lives with no thought of whether it's "ok" - the more that being gay comes to be seen as natural. I don't have a "coming out" story as I was never in - that's why I love coming out stories - being gay has always seemed as natural as breathing to me. (Now, of course, I'm wondering whether I have straight female alters? I don't know anything any more!) But of course, coming out as DID isn't the same. No-one would ever question whether being a lesbian affects my ability to do my job - some might wonder whether DID does. And it hasn't, so far! Until recently, when its been harder to work. Well - I don't know that it hasn't. I know I'm a good therapist. Maybe I would have been a better one without DID. For sure I will be now. All that energy kept away in the others - it would be nice to have it back. I remember through therapy feeling that I was getting "wider" - not physically! - more solid, aware of so much more that was in me - more of myself present - that happens through therapy in any case - but now I wonder whether some integration actually took place during one of the therapies, without my knowing exactly what was going on? I remember years ago dreaming a lot about a young child who looked like me. She was very young, but somehow agile enough to dance along the top bar of gates! One time, she climbed up my body, into my heart and just became part of me. Now I know there are many more who might want to do the same. But I know what's happening now.

Thank you for reading!

Oh - and an addition! I wrote about "integration" - I do understand that that isn't right for everyone. It seems as though that's the way it's going to go for me. But I'm not sure - too early to know! It seems to be what "wants to happen" - but I' already having feelings about not wanting to "lose" the others - even though I know I won't lose them. I don't know yet what the others want, either. My T asked the gatekeeper whether he thought he'd like to integrate one day, and he said, "well, there's a ways to go yet" - she asked again, and he didn't really answer the question.

I don't even know what integration would be like in every case. Some of the others have. With the gatekeeper, if I can still call on that part of me for his easy, loving, calm and acceptance, how would that be different from the way it is now? Maybe it would feel like "me", not like "him". I guess I can't imagine yet not hearing words from within. And if I did still hear them. coming from "me" not "him", what would the difference be? Except perhaps - i's just occurred to me - that he would be happier, not having to work so hard to look after all the others. Maybe he/I/we could have a life with more support for him, with a partner. I think he'd like that.

I don't know anything yet! All of your thoughts are welcome!

Hi, Sara2012,

I loved the image of an alter climbing into your heart. I needed to read that! I don't always want to allow them into my heart.

Today, I'm in a better frame of heart for that, I guess. I have been putting a lot of effort into maintaining co-consciousness, but today I just felt like letting Betty take over for awhile. I love her presence, very maternal, capable, and caring. A lot of people have met Betty unawares, they just think I'm that nice! Obviously they haven't met "Coach"! But he can be stern and disciplined and is a good adjunct as well.

So, Betty is happy because I let her bake brownies. Since David (the core) is an endurance runner, cookies and brownies are only allowed rarely. But, I put Betty in charge of the energy of the house, and put Coach in charge of my nutrition. Tomorrow, Toni, my highly energetic tomboy, will be allowed to be our runner when we train. She is happiest in movement and freedom.

Basically, I'm looking for ways for everybody to get a chance to air out and do what pleases them, and I'm not getting too uptight about it.

I'm opening my heart, and letting them climb in.

I once thought integration ("cure") was the goal for me, and in therapy that has been the focus for a few years. Now I am beginning to shift to welcoming being the goal. It isn't anything I need to worry about at this point.

Hope y'all have a good day. Maybe that's why I loved my 31 years living in the southern USA; people say "y'all" whether they are talking to one body or ten! Sure fits DID!!!

David & friends

Deleted this as it was a duplicate!

I talked with my friend, as I said I would - and the first thing she said - I've posted this elsewhere - is that she knew - although she'd never put it into words - because there had been times when she'd felt she didn't know me, and I didn't know her.

The next day, she sent me an email, and I'm going to copy part of it because it's beautiful, and I hope it might touch others as well -

"... I appreciate the difficulty and discomfort you felt disclosing your discovery
of your dissociative others but I was very touched that you chose to tell
me. Telling is an opportunity for each one of your others to be known and
heard and for their experience to be affirmed. As you say they are all
marvellous beings and deserve to be heard, after all they have done a great
job looking after you. May your journey of healing continue and so lovingly
too."

Right now I'm just so sad because my girlfriend is going home at the end of the year and we won't be together after that... messages like this from friends help!