Relationships and DID

Hello all; my boyfriend of over a year has DID. Over the last month or so his alters have continually become more and more active, culminating in an incident on Monday. I came home from school to find a note from one of his alters saying that she had control of the body and was leaving. I was able to find him about 8 hours after he left and he had to be hospitalized for monitoring. In the past, his alters have pursued online sexual relationships with other people and this has put some strain on our relationship at times. However, he is finally at a point in his life when he is ready and willing to accept treatment. Basically, I want to know if others have had successful relationships in conjunction with treatment for DID and if such treatment curves the activity of the alters in regard to actions that are going to harm our relationship or my boyfriend in the future. Thank you.

To answer your question, the answer is yes.

Its a difficult road at times but all relationships have their bumps.

There's an online guide floating around here somewhere that is specifically for the SOs of those with DID. I'm sure someone else will post it.

I have a wonderful relationship with my DID SO. I have a relationship with 3 of her alters and friendship/sibling-ship with the others.

One of the most important things to remember about his treatment is this: it's HIS treatment. You can be as supportive of him as possible, but he is the one who has to go through it. He is the one who has to face the painful memories and he is the one who has to want to get better.

Thank you for your reply...I do not personally know anyone else who is going through this, so I need all the help I can get! At this point, I have only developed friendships with two out of his five alters. The other three are still coming around, but they are not exactly used to having some here for the long run.
Do you have any advice for helping him through the tough parts of treatment?

kaylenaudrey wrote: Basically, I want to know if others have had successful relationships in conjunction with treatment for DID and if such treatment curves the activity of the alters in regard to actions that are going to harm our relationship or my boyfriend in the future. Thank you.

I'd think that the most important feature of therapy should be to increase communication and cooperation in the system, which is exactly what the problem here seems to be. Treatment should encourage the system to work together about what they want and not have a single alter running off and making choices on their own.

My fiancee's system always runs a House Vote on major decisions, which is then enforced by the entire house, discouraging anyone from making a renegade decision. While my girl isn't in therapy at the moment, she has been in the past and should be going back in a few months. Pre-therapy, she was a bit of a mess. There were alters who would cheat during relationships or break up with partners. There was quite a bit of running off, or doing illegal things. Therapy strongly helped for her to regain balance in her life.

There is, however, an aspect that you will likely not be as happy about, which is that in order to keep alters from making decisions on their own, you really should give them some sense of say in decisions. That's why we run a vote. For Non-DID, though it sometimes makes us feel that our SO should have all the say as it is 'his/her life'. I would argue, though, that they have as much right to making life decisions as the host and it is important to allow for everyone to have a say, but not allow single individuals to override these choices, save in emergencies.

The House took a vote on dating me. It was a joint decision and nobody contests it. Obviously, there is an alter that is having a problem with your relationship and the system needs to work together to understand why. Unfortunately, it isn't something you can solve for him. As Spartanfur06 said, it's his treatment. In the end, it's their job to work through these issues. All you can do is be there for them. Love all of them and try to understand each of them-- a hard job when it comes to DID.

EDIT: Feel free to PM me if you'd like someone to talk to. It's hard, but I wouldn't want anyone else in the world.

This entire process has been one of the most difficult of my life, but also one of the most rewarding in that I have learned so much. With the appearance of his most recent alter, a sense of balance has begun to be added to the system. However, in the past my SO has had problems with finding a therapist he trusts or medication that helps with his accompanying depression and insomnia. Do you know what kind of therapy was successful in helping your fiance regain balance?

There's an online guide floating around here somewhere that is specifically for the SOs of those with DID. I'm sure someone else will post it.

I have nothing to add to this as I am both DID and single except I think this is the guide spartanfur06 was referring to: http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.htm

- Nin

[quote="lifelongthing"

I have nothing to add to this as I am both DID and single except I think this is the guide spartanfur06 was referring to: http://www.op.net/~jeffv/so1.htm

- Nin[/quote]


Thanks Nin!

That's the one I was talking about. It's definitely worth the read. It helped me quite a bit.

Thank you for the help and advice! I read through the entirety of that handbook and it helped a lot! It is so difficult to find advice in regard to DID, so all help is greatly appreciated

kaylenaudrey wrote:Basically, I want to know if others have had successful relationships in conjunction with treatment for DID and if such treatment curves the activity of the alters in regard to actions that are going to harm our relationship or my boyfriend in the future.

By activity of the alters, do you mean infidelity? That is a very common predicament. It is a struggle going both ways, not just for you as the SO but also for members of his system.

Here is an example. With therapy my alters are becoming more assertive, not less. They are beginning to express their wants and needs. This is healthy for them, and for me, but it does have some troubling aspects. This weekend one of my alters made love with my husband. It was a very intense, intimate, satisfying experience for both of them. I consented to their doing this, even welcomed it, but now I am having a hard time with it.

Yes, infidelity. One or two of his alters have issues with remaining faithful. While I am not in a relationship with them, per se, I do wish that they would respect my SO. It has definitely had a strain on our relationship.