DID Dating

I am dating a girl with DID, she has four (4) different personalities. I have currently only encountered one of those personalities. I am just asking for some feed back.

Since I am able to bring back her main personality, I'm wondering if that is a good thing to do. I dont know if that is damaging or if it is suggested.

Should I get to know each personality? She has one that so far no one has been able to acertain the name of.

She has not told me much about the other two personalities, however I am not afraid of them since I have met the most aggressive personality already, though I understand each is different. I am wanting any tips or advice I can get because I want to stay with her and ask her to marry me regardless of these facts.

I have not met them all because she says she can feel when one is going to take over and has always distanced herself from me so as to prevent me from meeting them, I suspect she is afraid I will be scared away if I meet them. I tell her I am here to help but I let her handle it how she thinks she should, is this a bad thing, am I not being supportive enough?

Any feedback and tips is much appreciated!

Hi~! You're not DID, right?

In my opinion, you'd better think carefully what you want to do first. You want to build a friendship with her? You just want to give her a support? Or, what do you want?

I think, in the beginning, it is not necessary for you to talk with her alters actively. You need to be careful when you try to communicate with her because people with DID may be easily triggered. Also, some of them may be sensitive therefore you need to be as friendly as possible and try to build a good relationship first. Don't force them to do something unnecessary and not good for them.

Be patient, friendly, kind and careful~

best wishes to you~

She may not want you to see her switch because it isn't the most common thing to witness, she may feel embarrassed, or uneasy because she is no longer in control of anything if she switches. Just give her as much time as she needs, don't rush her into meeting everyone, gradually ease into it. Don't show favoritism between her alters. My husband has formed friendships with each of my parts and each relationship is as unique as my parts themselves. I know when he met each part he invested as much time as he could gaining their trust and listening to what they have to say. It takes time and effort no doubt. But you sound like you up for the challenge. Feel free to ask anything relationshipwise. I've been with my husband for three years all while discovering and learning to handle my dxs.

chibixal wrote:She may not want you to see her switch because it isn't the most common thing to witness, she may feel embarrassed, or uneasy because she is no longer in control of anything if she switches. Just give her as much time as she needs, don't rush her into meeting everyone, gradually ease into it. Don't show favoritism between her alters. My husband has formed friendships with each of my parts and each relationship is as unique as my parts themselves. I know when he met each part he invested as much time as he could gaining their trust and listening to what they have to say. It takes time and effort no doubt. But you sound like you up for the challenge. Feel free to ask anything relationshipwise. I've been with my husband for three years all while discovering and learning to handle my dxs.

Well I also have a moral delima, One of her personalities has a mentality of an 11 year old. Seeing as how I want to marry her and my natural aversion to the inapropriate relations with a minor yet her not being a minor I dont know how I should handle that situation.

I have no problem being friends with each of her personalities. The one I met was a little confused because she said she could feel she loved me but she herself did not know me.

The main one that takes over usually sticks around for about 6 months and like I've said, I want to get to know each one because loving her means loving each of her personalities. And I can definately give her space when she needs/wants it.

And do you have a personal opinion about bringing her base personality back? I know people say its not possible but I still did it, and want to know how you feel about it as well as anyone else who has an opinion on the matter.

-- Wed Apr 04, 2012 10:14 am --

woodreus18 wrote:Hi~! You're not DID, right?

In my opinion, you'd better think carefully what you want to do first. You want to build a friendship with her? You just want to give her a support? Or, what do you want?

I think, in the beginning, it is not necessary for you to talk with her alters actively. You need to be careful when you try to communicate with her because people with DID may be easily triggered. Also, some of them may be sensitive therefore you need to be as friendly as possible and try to build a good relationship first. Don't force them to do something unnecessary and not good for them.

Be patient, friendly, kind and careful~

best wishes to you~

No, I'm not DID, though how the personality I met explained it to me I have done similar things with my mind, I call it partitioning, Mine just do not have a personalities.

As far as the kind of relationship, i want to marry her, I already bought the ring. I have met her most aggressive personality already but she wanted to switch back so I helped her do so and did not fully get to know that personality, but I got to know her enough to know I still love her.

I think this tears her up more than it bothers me and I want to be there for her and help her however I can. How can I make sure all her personalities know I am here for them to talk to and be with and not be judging them?

davis.g105 wrote:One of her personalities has a mentality of an 11 year old. Seeing as how I want to marry her and my natural aversion to the inapropriate relations with a minor yet her not being a minor I dont know how I should handle that situation.

This is an issue for many people with DID and their significant others. Many of us have sex alters and unfortunately many sex alters are children. How to handle the situation will depend on you and on your girlfriend's DID system. For starters, does the 11 year old even want to have sex with you? If yes, a therapist could help this alter to achieve age progression or to integrate with an adult alter. If no, this alter could go to a safe room inside and watch TV or something while an adult alter has sex with you. There are other possibilities as well. This is something for you all to discuss at length, perhaps with the help of a DID-savvy counselor.

davis.g105 wrote:The one I met was a little confused because she said she could feel she loved me but she herself did not know me.

Confused is an understatement. I am married to one man and one of my female alters is in love with another man, someone I hardly know. As far as I know, she hardly knows him either. The cognitive dissonance of her passive influence sometimes overwhelms me. Fortunately my husband is not fazed by my random verbal outbursts of "I love [other man]! I want him!" My husband says he knows it is not me who is saying these words.

davis.g105 wrote:And do you have a personal opinion about bringing her base personality back? I know people say its not possible but I still did it, and want to know how you feel about it as well as anyone else who has an opinion on the matter.

It absolutely is possible. Many of us were abused by people who were adept at making us switch to a given alter. And some therapists attempt to treat DID by reinforcing one alter in the role of host, in effect invalidating and denying the existence of the others. I discovered my DID when contact with the other man I mentioned above caused me to lose time, hear voices, etc. Again, this is best decided by means of discussion with her entire system, host and any other alters who are active.

davis.g105 wrote:How can I make sure all her personalities know I am here for them to talk to and be with and not be judging them?

You can tell them. Say this, in so many words, to her. Preface your words by saying that you are addressing all her parts, alters and ego states, speaking to everyone who is listening, and you mean your words to apply also to the ones who aren't listening. This is called talking through the host.

Una+ wrote:

davis.g105 wrote:One of her personalities has a mentality of an 11 year old. Seeing as how I want to marry her and my natural aversion to the inapropriate relations with a minor yet her not being a minor I dont know how I should handle that situation.

This is an issue for many people with DID and their significant others. Many of us have sex alters and unfortunately many sex alters are children. How to handle the situation will depend on you and on your girlfriend's DID system. For starters, does the 11 year old even want to have sex with you? If yes, a therapist could help this alter to achieve age progression or to integrate with an adult alter. If no, this alter could go to a safe room inside and watch TV or something while an adult alter has sex with you. There are other possibilities as well. This is something for you all to discuss at length, perhaps with the help of a DID-savvy counselor.

davis.g105 wrote:The one I met was a little confused because she said she could feel she loved me but she herself did not know me.

Confused is an understatement. I am married to one man and one of my female alters is in love with another man, someone I hardly know. As far as I know, she hardly knows him either. The cognitive dissonance of her passive influence sometimes overwhelms me. Fortunately my husband is not fazed by my random verbal outbursts of "I love [other man]! I want him!" My husband says he knows it is not me who is saying these words.

davis.g105 wrote:And do you have a personal opinion about bringing her base personality back? I know people say its not possible but I still did it, and want to know how you feel about it as well as anyone else who has an opinion on the matter.

It absolutely is possible. Many of us were abused by people who were adept at making us switch to a given alter. And some therapists attempt to treat DID by reinforcing one alter in the role of host, in effect invalidating and denying the existence of the others. I discovered my DID when contact with the other man I mentioned above caused me to lose time, hear voices, etc. Again, this is best decided by means of discussion with her entire system, host and any other alters who are active.

davis.g105 wrote:How can I make sure all her personalities know I am here for them to talk to and be with and not be judging them?

You can tell them. Say this, in so many words, to her. Preface your words by saying that you are addressing all her parts, alters and ego states, speaking to everyone who is listening, and you mean your words to apply also to the ones who aren't listening. This is called talking through the host.

Thats very interesting. I suspected I might be able to inform the others of my intent to help and be there for them through her base personality but I'm glad to know that I definately can (her system allowing of course)

And maybe we can talk about the therapy for the 11 year old personality but since she is never around for that long so far as I'm aware I dont think it will be that big of a problem as far as sex goes.

I will also look into the integration, Its their choice of course, but it sounds useful and/or like a good thing in most cases.

davis.g105 wrote:

Una+ wrote:

davis.g105 wrote:One of her personalities has a mentality of an 11 year old. Seeing as how I want to marry her and my natural aversion to the inapropriate relations with a minor yet her not being a minor I dont know how I should handle that situation.

This is an issue for many people with DID and their significant others. Many of us have sex alters and unfortunately many sex alters are children. How to handle the situation will depend on you and on your girlfriend's DID system. For starters, does the 11 year old even want to have sex with you? If yes, a therapist could help this alter to achieve age progression or to integrate with an adult alter. If no, this alter could go to a safe room inside and watch TV or something while an adult alter has sex with you. There are other possibilities as well. This is something for you all to discuss at length, perhaps with the help of a DID-savvy counselor.


And maybe we can talk about the therapy for the 11 year old personality but since she is never around for that long so far as I'm aware I dont think it will be that big of a problem as far as sex goes.

I will also look into the integration, Its their choice of course, but it sounds useful and/or like a good thing in most cases.

I really want to second Una+'s suggestion of talking about this a lot before hand and that it may be helpful to get a DID experienced therapist involved. Sex can be extremely triggering for obvious reasons. And just because it goes well sometimes doesn't mean that you will never end up with a child in your bed at a very bad time. Having a plan in place in case something goes wrong is a good idea.

The Cat's Meow wrote:
I really want to second Una+'s suggestion of talking about this a lot before hand and that it may be helpful to get a DID experienced therapist involved. Sex can be extremely triggering for obvious reasons. And just because it goes well sometimes doesn't mean that you will never end up with a child in your bed at a very bad time. Having a plan in place in case something goes wrong is a good idea.

Well, I can see if I can get a therapist involved, but I know she doesnt like taking the medication and dont think she would like the idea of a therapist either, but I will definately look into that. The hardest part is its their decision for this stuff, I can only suggest and argue the points, but if its a no go then I guess I am going to be reading a lot of books.

davis.g105 wrote:Well, I can see if I can get a therapist involved, but I know she doesnt like taking the medication and dont think she would like the idea of a therapist either, but I will definately look into that. The hardest part is its their decision for this stuff, I can only suggest and argue the points, but if its a no go then I guess I am going to be reading a lot of books.

We aren't all on medication. DID itself doesn't respond to any medications. Medications are used for complications such as depression and anxiety. If you hang out on this DID forum for long, you're likely to be reading a lot of books no matter what. I am working with a therapist and reading. Each alter has his or her own set of issues and for each one I have a reading list.

My husband usually asks for me to come back when he wants me to come back. Mostly because we are married and we have jobs and other responsibilities. I have gained a lot of co conciousness and transitioning is easy for us usually. I'm sure it is ok for you to ask for her back as long as the other knows its not because you want her to leave.