an alter's lived a completely different life from reality?

*Warning: possible triggers*

So, right now, I'm still in the recovery stage. Last night I lost time while with my old friend, David, from 8th grade (he calls me by my 8th grade nickname, Kyra). We were hanging out, watching movies, and I was cuddled up next to him (we're cuddle buddies, but he understands I have a boyfriend). After a bit, he said, "Kyra, we can't keep doing this." (Prepare for a bit of dialogue). I looked at him, "Doing what?" He said, "This. We can't keep doing this, it's...it's too hard on me. We have to act like we're just friends because that's what we are." I started to feel fuzzy, and the world actually started to blur. "Can't friends cuddle?" I asked. He sighed, "They can, but Kyra, I don't want anything to happen...I don't want to mess anything up for you and this-" he pointed to us being so close- "this isn't making it easy for me. I'm sorry..."

(Let me take the time to explain that we've both realized we have romantic feelings for each other left over from 8th grade, and we've even kissed. But we both know that we can't take it further, so we've tried to ignore our feelings and just be friends because neither of us want to leave the other completely. So far, it's worked aside from weak moments where he'll tell me stuff like "You don't have to say it back, but I love you").

I started to feel more detached, and started to shake a bit. "I'm sorry," I managed to say, "I don't mean to torture you." He took my hand in his, "I torture myself, don't be sorry. I tried, but it's impossible for me to not love you. Please understand. I wish you were mine, but you're not, and I won't have you influenced by me. I have nothing against you and Mike. Mike's a really lucky guy, and wish you two the best of luck together. I don't want to come between you two, but it's hard for me to keep my distance when we're so close. If you need me to, I'll hold you. If you need me to, I'll hug you. But that's all I can give to you. I hope you understand."
That's when I started to really shake, and I felt my eyes roll back a bit. Everything sounded really far away, and my vision was really blurry. I could barely hear what David was saying. He was saying stuff like, "Kyra? Kyra, are you ok? No no no, babygirl, c'mon, stay with me. Hold my hand. Look at me, open your eyes. C'mon, stay here." (He knows about my DID, but has only seen me consciously switch once and it wasn't anything close to this. I've never been like this before). I tried to fight it, I kept feeling like I was fighting to stay awake. I was shaking, my eyes were rolling back/closing against my will, I was breathing fast, and I felt so detached from everything around me. I couldn't fight it, and so my memory stops there.

This is all from what David told me. Apparently, I went limp and stopped breathing for a bit. Then suddenly, like someone surfacing from being under water, I opened my eyes and gasped for breath, looking around. I had switched.

He talked with her. This is her reality: Her name is Kyra. She knew it was 2011, and she's 20 years old, just like me. She doesn't own or drive a car, she owns a 2009 Honda Rebel motorcycle (I've never touched a motorcycle). She bounces between staying at my dad's (our old place), staying with David/ "couch hopping", and staying at the Joyce hotel (a cheap downtown hotel). She works the graveyard shift at AMPM. And she and David have been dating for almost a year.

He told me he was scared and tried to act normal, but she kept asking him what was wrong. He kept trying to tell her that she doesn't have a bike and isn't dating him, that she's dating Mike. She said she didn't even know a Mike. Finally, she told him to prove it by showing her the car she supposedly drove. So he took her outside to my car. Upon seeing the car, she immediately "fainted", and would've fallen to the ground if David hadn't been there. When I "woke up", he was trying to hold me up because I was dead weight in his arms. I stood up and he asked me my name, I told him it was Cassandra. He asked me what name he calls me by, I said Kyra. He asked me who I was dating, I said Mike. He asked me where my car was and I pointed at it. Then he bear-hugged me and almost cried in relief. He said he was scared that I wasn't going to "come back" and that I was going to try and stay at his house and not go back home to Mike. I felt horrible. I hate being a burden to people, especially if they have to deal with trying to help a confused alter if I lose time. We talked about it for a while, and he blames himself because he thinks he's the trigger. I think he is to a certain degree, but I hate that he blames himself and I hate that I put him through that. I also have no idea what to do about this...

How to you tell someone that everything they think is real is a lie? Apparently Kyra's been living a completely different life in her/my mind, since there's no evidence of me actually having a motorcycle or a job at AMPM (I checked just in case I was living a "double life"). Mike and I have come up with plans and ideas on how to help Rebel, but she only thinks it's still the year 2009, she hasn't "lived" a completely different life. What I'm especially worried about is having to tell Kyra that she's not dating David. I may like him as more than a friend, but I think my deeper romantic feelings for him are stemming from her, and I don't know how she'll react to the reality of the fact that they're not together. I have no idea where she is now, I can't sense her presence, and I have no idea when/if she'll be out again. I have no idea what to do, and I'm scared of what she'll try to do if she's out again (leaving home, staying at David's, rejecting Mike, etc). It doesn't help that Kat's been wanting to be single, and L.C. has romantic feelings for David as well (she's from the 8th grade time period and liked him then, and she still likes him). I feel very torn, and at a loss of how to handle this...

I've also been wondering what made Kyra "live" a completely different life and be in the present year of 2011, and what made Rebel simply "skip" over time so that she still thinks it's 2009? Is it common for alters to "make up" their own life and for them to believe it's reality? This is the first time she's been out, and the first time I've really known of her existence. If she was there in 8th grade, I didn't realize it.

I'm sorry this was so long, I'm still very jumbled and didn't want to leave out any details that might make the story more confusing than it is. My head is once again in chaos and hurts a lot...

Whoa. That is...quite the shock What a rough realization, for both you AND Kyra. I'm so sorry that happened.

I hope you can see this for the blessing in disguise it is, though. I mean, the fact that Kyra came out is a really big step. I don't know about the whole "completely different life" thing. I wish I could help more on that one. The only thing I can think of is what someone else asked on this board recently. They asked if an alter can become mistaken and think things/have memories/start to believe things as a result of being influenced by the host's life. For example, the host(hate that term, but will use it for these purposes) reads a book and gets really engrossed, thinking they are there, and the alter somehow takes bits and pieces of it and makes it their reality. Does that make any sense? That's the only thing I can think of, it's kind of like taking a whole ocean and asking someone to find one fish in particular.

It could be a number of reasons.

How are you feeling though now that you're recovering? Are you going to try to make some kind of contact with her? It sounds like maybe your cuddling with David was feeding her needs enough for a while, and when those needs were threatened, she came out completely.

Don't blame yourself at all though. Friends are real friends if they are there for each other, even during the worst times. It sounds like you have a good friend. Hugs if wanted***

I've been going through something similar. One of my alters has completely false memories of reality, and as a result has trouble understanding the difference between reality and non-reality. Someone who knows about her makes a point of telling her what is real when she comes out, and recently we may have discovered where her false reality came from, so we're helping her deal with that. Do you have any communication with her yet, or is that the first time she's come out?

dividedtruth89 wrote:For example, the host(hate that term, but will use it for these purposes) reads a book and gets really engrossed, thinking they are there, and the alter somehow takes bits and pieces of it and makes it their reality. Does that make any sense? That's the only thing I can think of, it's kind of like taking a whole ocean and asking someone to find one fish in particular.

How are you feeling though now that you're recovering? Are you going to try to make some kind of contact with her? It sounds like maybe your cuddling with David was feeding her needs enough for a while, and when those needs were threatened, she came out completely.

Thanks for the hugs, they were appreciated. I think you're on to something with the taking bits and pieces of things to make their own reality. While thinking about this, I've discovered things. In her reality, she has a motorcycle. In my reality, my dad was supposed to buy me a motorcycle after I graduated from high school but never did. In her reality, she has a job working a graveyard shift. In my reality, I both need and want a job, and I'd prefer a graveyard shift since I'm more of a night owl. In her reality, she "couch hops" from my dad's old place, a cheap hotel, and David's place. In my reality, I feel crowded with having to share a room with my boyfriend and wish I had more freedom to be spontaneous (since he uses my car, I can't stay out if I want to unless it's pre-arranged a day in advance). In her reality, she's dating David. In my reality, I was too shy to ask David out in 8th grade through 10th grade, and then we lost contact and now I feel like it's a missed chance (though I am happy with Mike). She's basically having everything that I wanted or that was supposed to happen as her reality.

I'm feeling better, not as fuzzy or detached, but a bit tired mentally. I've tried to make contact with her, but I don't get any response. I think you pretty much hit the nail on the head with that observation. I'm sure she gets comfort and other things like feeling protected from being cuddled by him and when it was threatened, she didn't like it.

LittleRedDogToo wrote: Do you have any communication with her yet, or is that the first time she's come out?

That was the first time she's come out completely, and I have no idea where she is now. I can't sense or feel her at all.
I'm sorry you've been experiencing similar difficulties, but I'm glad that you have someone that can point out what's reality and what's not to her when she's out. I hope you're able to help her through realizing where her reality came from, and wish you the best of luck.

Another thing I found out today: Rain told me that Kyra was a co-hosting alter through all of 8th grade, and she "disappeared" after 8th grade. She told me that Kyra was actually the main host, and I was the one co-hosting with her during 8th grade. Rain said that's why I didn't realize Kyra's presence, because she wasn't looking over my shoulder, instead I was looking over her shoulder. Rain also told me that's why I was so demanding about my name change, and why I put my nickname on all my school work when usually I didn't bother trying to change what my teachers called me. She also told me that's why I changed my image and attitude so much, and felt so "lost" as to who I really was. I thought 8th grade was fuzzy in general because of how many years have passed, but now that I look back on it, overall I remember 6th and 7th grade more clearly than 8th, aside from the really emotional memories. Kyra and L.C. were the main participators that year, not me. I still remember all of 8th grade, it's just not as clear and it's harder to remember details compared to 6th and 7th grade. Why Rain didn't tell me this sooner, I have no idea. She said something about how she thought Kyra had simply integrated with everyone else and then when there was suspicion about her resurfacing, Rain didn't want to risk helping that resurface to happen by increasing awareness of Kyra's existence.