Post-DID acceptance depression

In April, I started to accept the fact that I may have people living in my head, and 2 months later, thanks in part to this forum, I finally admitted to myself and to my alters that they were real and I had DID.

Now that I've accepted this fact, I've become more suicidal and depressed than an attention-starved Kardashian sister. I'm not ever going to actually kill myself, but I can't find real work and I feel like a burden to everyone.

To the veteran DID-ers who have accepted their alters/DID-status, did you feel like this as soon as you faced facts? How long did it last? What did you do to make it stop? And will it affect my chances of getting a job?

Thank you.

hey,

yes i felt like that... went up and down like a yoyo for months... still do. lol Denial plays a massive role in trauma. I still find myself slipping in and out of the whole ' im bad im making this up, it wasnt that bad im over reacting, lots of ppl have it worse than me..." But then other days im more like 'yep, i had a bad childhood in some ways and yep, now ive got DID because of it." (then i usually get either depressed or very very angry lol)


Anyways, to answer your q's though:
1)Yes i definitely felt like that as soon as i faced the facts. (and every now and again when i learn new facts about my past) i went through the whole "yay me, ive got an exceedily rare disorder, im truly unique and i made it thru my past" then fell down into the "omg, he did that to me, they let that happen, now im broken, im stuck like this forever, im different, this isn't normal, im going to have to live with this secret forever. i dont like this.... blah blah" (sorry, im trying to get the point across without giving you more ammo hahaha) im guessing this is the phase you're in now?!

2)It lasts as long as either:
A- i let it last (i can ask the gagtekeeper to send a specific alter and take it away. Or i can give the emotions to the other alters)
B- OR as long as the others let me have it,
C- OR as long as i choose to sit with it, i can distract myself and it usually works to cheer myself up... for the short term, but if my system sees me as a threat to my own safety someone comes out and blocks me.Then by the time i get back out, i've usually gotten over it or there's bigger issues to deal with lol..

3) Ok, to make it stop, i accept that i feel like that, i acknowledge it, i try to journal about it (the usual stuff like the who, wat, when, where and why of the emotions). then if its still there, i will blast music, have a good cry, then watch my fav tv shows or movies, eating junk food of course . If i ever need to SH i get blocked by the others...

4) your mood might affect your chances of getting a job, but only if you let it... Sometimes ya gotta fake it till ya make it... And this might be one of those times. Hopefully the depression will pass as you come to terms with the dx. Its likely that it will come back again, (perhaps in a different form) when you learn more about the system and alters and about your past etc, but then you've been through it before so you know in your mind that its not going to last forever and it does get better.

Hang in there, it doesnt last forever and it does get better.
Hope this helps somewhat.
Weebles.

I don't think I fall under the "veteran DID-ers" category, but I would like to say one thing.

I hear you.

Acceptance of anything has always been a huge issue for me. Acceptance of my alters/family comes with it some peace from within, Anger is less angry for starters. But it has left me with the taste of depression in my mouth. I am starting a job later this month & I have no idea if I am going to manage it.

I think it depends on how functional your system/family is. What I am worried about is one of the other members leaking through when I'm supposed to be working, affecting my concentration (which is a huge necessity in the job I'm going into), and perhaps even taking me away from the job altogether in parts. I am working on communicating with them so I can get across that when I am working I cannot be disturbed. But of course, the chances of them being triggered out is a risk.

These are all such important questions that you raise, and I do not feel able to give you the reassurance you need when I feel in pretty much the same place as you.

It makes me sad that you feel like a burden though. Is this to people around you? How so?

Sending comforting thoughts your way if you'll accept them,

Bourbon

I felt fine until i integrated, then everything hit and i ended up with grief-depression from a lot of the feelings attached to my childhood that i'd gradually got back. That took some time to come out of.

It's pretty natural. But it is something that can be cured, so...hang in there!

When I first "accepted" DID(I really am not sure I have it though), I had a massive psychotic break with reality...

On second thoughts, no, fine is not the right word when you have feelings from trauma flying round your head and alters experiencing them !

I only really came out of denial properly around the time i integrated, before that i was somehow split into lots of pieces, and interacting with myself, at the same time as convincing myself it was definitely not happening. Lol.

How have things been going with TK?

I am so sorry you have been so sad.

NicS wrote:To the veteran DID-ers who have accepted their alters/DID-status, did you feel like this as soon as you faced facts? How long did it last? What did you do to make it stop? And will it affect my chances of getting a job?

First of all, I'm truly sorry you've been having such a difficult time and that you are going through this depression. *hugs if wanted* I don't know if I can help, but I'll try to by answering your questions.

1) Did you feel like this as soon as you faced facts?

I was in denial for a while, even with prior knowledge about DID and suspecting before getting diagnosed that I had it. When I finally did accept it, I think I was more defiant that depressed. At the current time, my world was falling apart around me, and I was struggling through the inner chaos to stay on task with things like school. I felt more like I was trying to defy the chaos and still succeed in school while regaining control of myself and my life. But that didn't really happen, at least not how I wanted it to at first. I was focusing too much on wishing things would "go back to normal" and be how they used to be. When I finally realized that things would never be how they used to be and accepted it, it was easier for me to adapt to the change and work on different ways to help me cope with myself. Picture it as a juggler who can juggle 10 torches. Suddenly, one day, the torches break off and become 20 torches. No matter how hard the juggle tries, he can't juggle them, even though he keeps trying to juggle as he's dropping torches and getting burned. Finally, he admits that he can't juggle them, and puts them down. He starts from the beginning again, just juggling one torch, then 2, then 3. It's the same thing with juggling your life, yourself, and coping with DID. You have to set them down and juggle one at a time, being patient with yourself. However, always remember that you are still YOU. You have always been you, you will always be you, a diagnosis does not change that. All that's happening is you're becoming more aware and learning more about YOURSELF.

2) How long did it last?

Like any depression or tough time, sometimes you just have to take one day at a time, one step at a time. For me, I'm still fighting with it, as a part of me did become and still is depressed over things related to having DID. She's not depressed about DID itself, but she's depressed over the fact that it affects how we handle stress (we don't handle it well), it affects how we handle life in general (we can't handle some situations as well as other people can), it affects how we function in daily life (we can't seem to be able to find stable ground and stay on it), and she hates it. What I've come to realize is that things are what you make of them. I could think the same thoughts as L.C. and be depressed about how I've been functioning lately and how I can't seem to get back on my feet. Instead, I take one day at a time. I set reasonable goals for myself (like applying to 5 jobs a day), I don't sell myself short on my accomplishments (like being able to live on my own successfully when I was 17), I try to remember to have time to myself where I can do whatever I want and not care, and I remind myself that tomorrow's another day, a new day, with new possibilities. I know it can be a hard struggle, but if you keep your head above the water long enough, you'll eventually come ashore. To help myself out, I do things I don't feel like doing, like going out with friends or going outside or watching a funny movie or even talking to someone about how I feel/what's going on in my life. They usually end up making me feel better, even though I practically have to force myself to do them.

3) What did you do to make it stop?

I don't know if it stops for good except for going away over time, but here are things I do to temporarily cheer me up:
-I remind myself that I'm doing well for the struggles I've gone through. I accept how I'm feeling, and I tell myself that it's my choice to either wallow in my emotions or to make goals to move forward. This gives me a feeling of empowerment, and I usually help myself by writing out reasonable schedules and goals for myself (such as not sleeping until noon every day). I find a schedule really helps with giving my life structure and helping me to not feel like I'm just "floating" through life.

-I listen to upbeat music, perhaps music with hopeful messages, watch funny movies, eat some comfort foods (like ice cream), exercise (I find it's a great distraction, and it makes you feel productive), go on sites like this one (I find helping people makes me feel like I have a purpose in the world and helps me to feel less depressed), go for walks outside (sometimes just the sunshine alone can help you feel better), challenge myself to notice details such as a pretty sunset or a butterfly on a flower (sometimes finding something like that will make you at least realize the world isn't so bad after all), and go out with friends even if I don't want to (conversation, distraction, and socialization can help and usually ends up cheering me up).

-I write about how I'm feeling, why I'm feeling that way, and basically rant about any thought that comes into my head. I find it's a good outlet, I feel better afterwards, and it gives me a chance to see why I'm feeling the way I am and think about ways to help me feel better.

4) Will it affect my chances of getting a job?

This is a tough question. I think I need to point out a few things before I answer this.

-Every DID case is different.
-Sometimes your mind/body lets you know when you need to focus on YOU and your health, and sometimes it can't be done properly while juggling a job. This is perfectly ok and understandable.
-This condition is not your fault, not always in your control, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Personally, my DID affects me holding down a job. I'm a great worker, have a good work ethic, and can handle stress within the workplace and multitask. But if factors of the job stress me out TOO much, or if it overwhelms me, or if my promised hours get cut and I can't pay rent/bills, I tend to lose it. I get anxiety attacks, and usually someone gets "stuck" out in control, like my little alter Cassie. This happened with my last job and I was laid off until I could prove I was mentally stable to work. I'm not currently in treatment and didn't have the money to get evaluated, so I quit. I've quit 3 jobs so far because I haven't been able to handle the stress. But that simply means two things. 1) I need to focus on myself more and working on helping myself function better, and 2) I need to look into different types of work. Instead of food service, perhaps look into something simple, like general labor. From other posts I've read, it seems physically-taxing work is easier to do and to keep than mentally-taxing work. Personally, what helped me was having a simple job. I used to work at Cold Stone Creamery. Sure, I had responsibilities and sure I had to multi-task. But it was just ice cream. It was me, the customer, and ice cream, and that's it. All I had to do was smile, provide good service, serve ice cream, ring them up on the register and say "have a great day". Even on busy days, it was simple enough to where I wouldn't get overwhelmed. I think you need to simply find a job that would best fit you. Try to think of jobs you can do on your worst days (perhaps not your worst day, but maybe close to it). Having a job can really help with DID, too, at least I think it can. It gave me one place where my focus was my job. I didn't care who was babbling in my head, I was able to ignore every bit of chaos and focus on my job and doing it well. It was like an escape for me. And if you get along with your coworkers, they can really help you feel better no matter how bad of a day it is.
Definitely try to not let your mood bring you down, though. As weeble said, sometimes you have to fake it till you make it. If you can leave your troubles at the door for work, work can become like a break from your problems. It becomes a place where nothing matters except getting your job done. You can talk with coworkers, laugh with coworkers, and keep yourself busy with your job. After your shift, then you can pick your problems back up again. I try to imagine my bad moods being in something physical, like my backpack or a coat. As soon as I take that backpack or coat off for work, I'm taking my bad mood off and starting fresh.

I wish you the best of luck in this struggle, and am again sorry you're having such a tough time. I hope this site continues to be helpful to you. *more hugs if wanted*

tylas wrote:How have things been going with TK?

He's been good, I heard him laugh today. He's been more upbeat lately, after saying he doesn't want to "kill things" anymore. But he's kind of addicted to it, so were trying to help ween him off the blood-teat.

I've felt useless lately because I work for my mother filing invoices, and I now get $100 out of pity at the end of the month, when I used to earn, like, $65 or $70 dollars on minimum wage doing the same job for the proper number of hours. Its not that I'm ashamed or anything, I just feel like I should contribute more. Meanwhile, The Idaho Statesman (The major local newspaper) had this report saying that 52% of kids were unemployed this year out of high school, when last year the number was 32%. And I feel so useless lumped into the same category as a bunch of unemployed stoners that I heard in school saying "I'm never getting a ######6 job, man. Thank God for the recession, cause without it, I'd have no excuse."

Beyond that, my dad takes me out to lunch once a week, and he pays every time. And I feel like a leach just taking money from my mom (an extra $35 or so pay) and from my dad ($12 lunch each week, and he's barley making it on his own as it is.)

Then, beyond that, I'm very anxious about soon living on my own and having to pay my own bills and such without any help from anybody! And if I can't find work soon, I really don't know what I'm going to do.