Husband has DID, I have BPD, alter had an affair...divorce?

Ok, so I have been trying really hard to be supportive and understanding of my husband and this sex crazed alter that had an affair and ruined our marriage. But, the sad truth is that I have BPD, so I get so down and sad and less than understanding, nor do I care to understand him, when I am feeling this way. The thing is though, I know that this is detrimental to him, and the others and it reinforces any guilty, negative feelings that he or the others may feel about themselves or me. So, I am wondering if divorce is best for everyone involved. I don't think it would because it'll hurt them like crazy, i am sure because of the abandonment issues, and we have kids. But, I know it hurts them to have to suffer the pain of the arguments and overall obvious distance that this has put between us. And, please remember, I too have a disorder that makes it hard to think logically or to even care when I am sad or angry.

Bates, do not go off and yell at me, that will do no good.

Mrsls,

I don't know that we can answer this question on this forum. There are a few things I suggest you think about though.

1) Do you still love your husband and does he still love you?

Many people without these issues go through the trial of an affair during the marriage. Whether or not they are able to save the relationship relies more on their feelings for each other than anything else. If there are still feelings there, then try and find a marriage counselor than can help you work through this. This means both your husband and his alter need to be present in some sessions so it can truly be dealt with.

2) Can you work this through with the alter in question?

You say the alter is sex crazed, can that be addressed somewhere in therapy so further indiscretions don't happen.

I'll be nice... but you forget I share my mind with 2 other roommates

Say hello to Frank

Yeeaaaah, Frankie here! Oh boy! Lets see what do we have "Wah wah wah, I'm all sad and stuff cuz I can't handle having a multiple for a husband so I'm gonna give him the boot"

I'm sorry, but you're ######6 ridiculous. You're basically giving up cuz you can't help him. You failed him as a wife and as a friend, but instead of admitting that, you'd rather say its all his fault and call it quits. And be glad Mike is here to hold me back or this would be a lot nastier of a reply. And yes, it could definitely be a lot meaner than it is already. Oh believe me, sweetheart, I'm a bastard and don't I know it! In any case, you're pathetic, and make me sick to my stomach. Stop being a self-centered bitch, find him a DID specialist, get him help. Stop ######6 crying here like you're the goddamn victim, cuz you come off as a twat to every multiple in the room. Get your $#%^ together, stop letting your marriage fall to $#%^ cuz you're too much of a bitch to make it work. And unlike Mike, I don't care if I hurt your feelings. You piss me off. Husband needs therapy, and you could use a little yourself, since you "have it so rough". And for ###$'s sake, will ya please get the poor guy on here so maybe WE can help him, since you're too useless to do it yourself. Thank you, much appreciation

-Frank

Frank,

You just got Mr. Bates a 24 hour ban for violating the rules of the forums... no name calling.

YOUR HUSBAND did not do this to you! My god!

Oh dear, Frankie boy! What have yew gone an done eh? hehe

Anyways, Mrslspinks, the most important lesson that you learn when you have DID is that you MUST put others before yourself, regardless of how much pain you're goin thru.

It's just the same as when you're sharing a house with housemates, working in a group or being part of a committee board. All you're dealing with is PEOPLE.

And yeah it's tough. Often ya really jus have to bite the bullet..

The only way that anythin is going to get sorted is if you try your hardest to leave the emotions out of it and concentrate on what needs to be done. If anyone, whether it's your husband, one of his alters, or you, puts their emotions first, then everyone else is gonna feel the need to do the same, and everyone else is gonna feel dissatisfied.

Well I tell ya what, my host Harri sympathises with you to an extent - she has BPD, she has to take medicine every day for it (I effin' hate the stuff!) so well, she says she understands what its like to have it. However, you have to ignore your own personal problems and TRY YOUR HARDEST mate, to put others before you - even if you feel like you've been doing this all yer life, KEEP TRYIN!

If you feel like you've had enough, then the rest is up to you, and we can't really help ya there.

~Deliah

Senegal- Thanks for responding. We do both still love each other very much and he tries his hardest to make things right...he has since the very beginning. We each are seeing our own therapist right now and I am going to ask him to attend some of my sessions with me. Can I work through the alter in question? Honestly, I don't think that I can handle another incident like an affair. It's hard enough knowing that my husband(alter) has fantasized and looked sexually at all of my friends, family or almost any woman that he has come into contact with. The most difficult part is to have discovered DID AFTER years of betrayal and then to finally feel like that crap is over and be hit with again in our marriage is hard. Especially for someone who also has a dissociative disorder.

Bates- I feel terrible. I am so sorry that I triggered Frank to come out and got you into trouble. Will you forgive me?

Hi Frank- I like Bates so I won't tell you what I really think about what you had to say( at least not in the way that you have expressed it ), but I will say this:

It's not that I can't handle my husband having DID. It's hard, I can't lie, but I had a Schizophrenic mother, my entire life, and I was able to deal with her, and I was only a child. so, now as a mature adult, I can definitely handle DID. I am not trying to give up on him, and have done nothing but tried to help him, since the very beginning. I have taken care of him, when he didn't have a job(for years), I put up with his treatment of me and the kids, moodiness, antisocial behavior, rudeness, cheating and everything else...all without knowing what the heck was wrong. Other than, by his own admission, "it's what I want to do" or "I don't know what you are talking about" or "I am not doing anything". So self-centered, sorry, that's the last thing that I have been. Please understand, I am not "giving up", I just know that my husband hurts when I have down times. If he notices that I am not talking or seem to be sad, he can't let it go. He gets afraid of that.So, I am simply trying to figure out if staying is more harmful than helpful for the both us. We are trying to find a DID specialist in our area and I have tried repeatedly to get him to come here to this site. Or to read about it, to better understand it, join a support group, or anything, and guess what his response is, " I have to deal with them all the time, all day and night long, you think that I want to dedicate any extra attention or time to learning about them, talking to the"...so basically dealing with DID any more than he already has to.

So, if you have any more advice for me Frank, please do share. And, watch you mouth next time, I like Bates and don't want him banned from here, at all.

DeliaH- Thanks for your input, it is really helpful. I am not sure how to explain this, but, it's hard to know who my husband really is because I have only known him to be basically a moody, antisocial, arrogant, cheater. That's how I have always known him to be. So, it's terribly difficult to say, looking back all of these years, when he was being a cheater, or when an alter was on the prowl. My husband says he doesn't even know, who he is himself, so he can't say that he wasn't just being a moody, antisocial, arrogant, cheater. I guess I don't know if I believe, 100%, that he has DID. I believe, DDNOS, but he seems more co-conscious, than anything else. He can only think of 2 times, that he KNOWS he blacked out, once being the affair and once when he was 11. I don't know how I got on this or where I am going with it. But, my goal is to do what's best for him, too because I do love him. I don't want him to suffer any more, as a result of my feelings, moods, angry outburst, threats to leave, etc. I want him to be happy too.

Twilight,

I disagree. A marriage with a multiple is with the the entire system, so her husband DID do this to her.

If an alter comes out and kills someone, then the body is guilty. Just my view on things.

I'm sorry, but I really thought it was hilarious how Frank tore into you. In between the cursing and ranting, he did make some points, whether you agree with them or not. It still sounds like you're just giving up on your husband to us. -Mike

D here (haven't posted in a very long time)! Sean, we're gonna have to disagree with you on that one, since we actually know what its like to be multiple. Yes, technically, one body, one (split) mind. But that is not at all how you are supposed to approach the situation. You're supposed to take it like dealing with totally different people. Cuz in their mind, they are. If I went on a killing rampage, it was all me, I did it. Mike may own the body, but it was his roommate who did it. Hell, Frank may be another part of the system, but he's still his own man, and had nothing to do with my actions. So no, it's not her husband's fault that his alter went off and did those horrible things. - D

Frank here, real quick. I already said I don't care if I hurt your feelings, I stand by what I said. Cuz as far as I'm concerned, everyone here is thinking it, I was just saying it. And like Mikey-boy said, we still believe you're just giving up on your husband. -Frank

Mr. Bates, hate to point this out to ya but we know what it's like to be a multiple too. The way I look at these things is if an alter commits a crime, then that means the being (body) behind the alter bears responsibility because that being was capable on some level of causing that harm.

If an alter cheats, then on some level the body behind it can be held responsible because it was that body that created the alter.