Scared of DID

TLDR things have come up and this describes me perfectly:

"When someone else is driving, I am fully conscious. It's like, when they drive, I sort of change into my alter. At most, what I usually experience is what I call "emotional memory". I'll remember the emotions felt during that time, and I'll remember vaguely what was done while they were driving, but I won't remember details. Otherwise, I'm usually fully conscious and can remember a general sense of something happening, I feel everything and such, I'm just not in control at all. I feel no "gaps" in memory, however, I can't remember everything quite as clearly as if I were fully forward. I feel the other's emotions and what they do, but specific details are more difficult to recall. I can completely understand thinking that you're the one who's in control and having memories, and then finding out later that you weren't the one up front. I thought I was up front, but apparently it was someone else who was up front in control and I was in the backseat. I didn't even really realize that she was an alter back then, I just thought that name was a cool nickname that I wanted to go by and stuff. I didn't feel her presence when she was around because we were co-conscious, and instead of her "looking over" my shoulder, SHE was the one in control and I was "looking over" HER shoulder. I have found, however, that my memory of what happens when someone else is out fades more quickly than when I'm out. It also doesn't feel like my memory. I've also had a billion half-switches in which I behaved like another alter, but still felt like I was in front."

The hodge podge of quotes from different people flowing into one paragraph is also a lot like what I'm experiencing.

Ego dystonic:
Urges, ideations, flashbacks, memories, actions, words, preferences

But without:
Hearing voices, black outs, evidence of actions from alters, evidence of a system or inner world, etc.

But with:
Constant depersonalization/amnesia (whichever one, but I have no idea what I was doing 3 hours ago besides "on computer reading about DID"- no idea what I read).

It's possible that since I'm really just now coming in to it, the "hardcore" things aren't known to me yet (like the system and whatnot). So my questions are this:

-How possible do you think it is for me to have it?
-How do you make alters aware that other people exist in one body?
-There's no way to get a false positive if I do it myself, right? False positives only come up if someone else is doing it, is that right? (In other words, I can't try so hard that I mistake something innocent for an alter [I don't mean create one from thin air {or maybe I do- oh darn it, I think you know what I'm getting at!}])
-How do you "teach" an alter to take the wheel, so to speak?
-How do I get over the fear of an alter getting loose, assuming any are present?
-Is there any way for me to "contain" it so that it can still communicate without the chance of it getting loose?
-How do you even talk to them, anyways? At this point, I really can't sense any presence, although I'm aware of the feeling changing when something takes over, whether its an alter or not.

I also keep getting borderline scores on dissociative tests, but if its just really starting to hit full force, that would explain it.

Jill

That first long paragraph of a quote fits me as well. I even typed out my experience in more detail and people agreed that to them this is what co-con is like.

Clever Name Here wrote:How possible do you think it is for me to have it?
-How do you make alters aware that other people exist in one body?
-There's no way to get a false positive if I do it myself, right? False positives only come up if someone else is doing it, is that right? (In other words, I can't try so hard that I mistake something innocent for an alter [I don't mean create one from thin air {or maybe I do- oh darn it, I think you know what I'm getting at!}])
-How do you "teach" an alter to take the wheel, so to speak?
-How do I get over the fear of an alter getting loose, assuming any are present?
-Is there any way for me to "contain" it so that it can still communicate without the chance of it getting loose?
-How do you even talk to them, anyways? At this point, I really can't sense any presence, although I'm aware of the feeling changing when something takes over, whether its an alter or not.

1. I think it is very possible if these are your feelings, also with your other post I would say it is quiet possible.

2. Leave yourself notes, clues, try talking out loud to yourself, or talking internally. There is a website that explains this process in much more detail. Wish I could think of the name. Maybe someone else can, or a forum search might help.

3. Maybe you could, for most they think this when they hit denial about having DiD.

4. Also do a forum search, I think it's a few post down talking about controllign switching.

5. That is up to you and may need help from a therapist.

6. Seek a therapist, or talk with the alters first.

7. Once again read second answer, pretty much the same. And sometimes they don't talk at all.

Good luck with all of this!

Jack
Well, see, this is what confuses me as well. At this point, aside from obvious things, there's no clear boundary between alters. Yet, anyways. It's possible there are still things murking up the waters that we haven't "organized" yet. This didn't become a real possibility until we started identifying problems and feelings and giving them labels, and I think that was because they were system-wide problems (or else problems Jill was so focused on that her feelings were overriding everything else, but that didn't stop the alterations in things like gait and accent and whatnot). Despite the large headway we've made in the year, that's maybe not even 1% of the problems going on in here. But apparently, it was enough to clear up enough space for the ego dystonic stuff to start showing up.

My guess is either A) it's only just now starting to become noticeable and as time goes on and we get a feel for what's happening, things will become clearer or B) there is already some incomplete integration or she managed to keep a modicum of integration (which wouldn't surprise me- one of the psychologists she saw told her she has an almost overwhelming survival instinct, and I freaking believe it).

In other words, I should just keep doing what I've been doing all along, because the entire process we've been doing for a year amounts to internal dialogue, even if she does act it out on the outside like I'm sitting in front of her (which is why I still kind of tend to consider myself an imaginary rather than a full alter, but heck, maybe I'm also in denial myself). Then again, we've also read that the job of DID is to hide itself, which I'm not above saying could be precisely why we're having so much trouble with it. Thus far, there is no system and no inner world, but that may just mean we haven't found it yet.

Jill
I also forgot to mention that in high school I had what I thought were auditory hallucinations. They were at night while I was trying to sleep, and it was just a crowd of voices all talking at once. Sometimes I'd catch something here and there, but nothing significant. I am at risk for a psychotic disorder and DID doesn't explain the negative symptoms (about the only thing I have going for me right now is I will eventually give in and eat and I'm not completely catatonic. Other than that, I really don't do much besides read, write, or watch cartoons). Apparently, the trouble swallowing and mini seizures I have and was having respectfully are part of DID, as well as my having sexual disorders. And all through high school (I can't really speak for earlier because I don't remember), I felt like someone was driving me and I couldn't control what they were doing. On top of that, they also had weird things they wanted to do that didn't fit that driver, either.

Jack
Oh and yes, she's currently going through the "I'm making it up/I'm lying/I'm making myself think this/I'm exaggerating" dance. Although like I said, maybe I'm just in denial about my own status as what's actually an alter, but then, someone else posited the theory elsewhere in more general terms that maybe I've been here all along and just didn't develop until I was needed (and at the time this started going down "hard core", I was sorely needed).

Jill
Well, I always said that the imaginaries were actually insights into my subconscious so maybe... maybe they were external representations of alters and I just thought I was pretending? I mean, for years I thought I was the one "in front" like the quote said but my behaviors and words were out of my control and it didn't feel like I was driving, so... maybe this also explains why I don't really sleep? I know about non-restorative sleep, but... I'm not sure that's really the same to what I'm talking about. I feel like I don't sleep very often, and a lot of times, I'm conscious during my dreams (but not aware that I'm dreaming and I can't control anything- it's mostly that I respond mentally, like one time someone said something stupid and in the dream I laughed, but real me thought "Why am I laughing? That wasn't funny..."). I know I'm full of unanswerable questions, but...

I think I already said, my biggest fear is losing control. I want the more responsible ones to come out and help me, but I'm afraid of the ones that just want to take me for a joyride. But then I also have to think, like he said, that I'm putting on or miscounting symptoms, but no other illness accounts for the loss of control like this or the other things I feel...

Clever Name Here wrote:My guess is either A) it's only just now starting to become noticeable and as time goes on and we get a feel for what's happening, things will become clearer or B) there is already some incomplete integration or she managed to keep a modicum of integration ...

Or what about both A and B? And yes just keep doing what you're doing, you seem to be a very big help.

Clever Name Here wrote:"I'm making it up/I'm lying/I'm making myself think this/I'm exaggerating" dance.

This is normal as well. Happens to me all the time, today actually. Usually when I start to really question my inner thoughts and everything goes silent. So annoying to be so sure of something one day adn in denial teh next. Just hang in there. And the one contant seems to be Jack, and that's a good thing.

Clever Name Here wrote:someone else posited the theory elsewhere in more general terms that maybe I've been here all along and just didn't develop until I was needed (and at the time this started going down "hard core", I was sorely needed).

This is what I think as well. This is how it worked with me also. Had one voice only at first, the original one who ended up being my strongest protector. You Jack, seem like a protector to me.

Clever Name Here wrote:Well, I always said that the imaginaries were actually insights into my subconscious so maybe... maybe they were external representations of alters and I just thought I was pretending? I mean, for years I thought I was the one "in front" like the quote said but my behaviors and words were out of my control and it didn't feel like I was driving, so...

I also have days like this, and most often I don't even relaize it happening. Now days after practicing I notice a bit better, but it can still take me a while. Just try and notice everything that is happening. Pay attention to your inner feelings and observations of your surrondings.

Clever Name Here wrote:I think I already said, my biggest fear is losing control. I want the more responsible ones to come out and help me, but I'm afraid of the ones that just want to take me for a joyride.

If you do have alters, they don't want to do a simple joyride, they were created to help you not destroy you. While there are alters that can cause damage to you, you should have a strong gatekeeper that won't allow this to happen. I think Jack is a strong peronality adn he will help you through this. To Jack, keep up the good work. Jill good luck.