Rapid switching and memory problems?

At the moment, I don't know who I am. The rapid co consciousness and switching around inside is just too much for my brain to handle. I think i'm the host but? I might also be the protector right now? I don't know who I am at the moment. But anyway, right. Memory problems first.

Our memories are faded, literally every time something bad happens it fades until it's almost completely unrecognizable? Also, we can't remember much from childhood. Also I want to know - does everyone with DID experience their memories in third person? Or is this a normal thing? Does this just happen to anyone and everyone? Because when I'm thinking back on a memory, I am literally seeing 'ourself' in the third person. It's like watching a movie and feeling differently about the 'characters' in it with whoever's watching. So can anyone please explain what their memories 'look' like (not wholly describing a memory, i wouldn't ask that, just telling me what tense it is and stuff).

I am also REALLY having problems with rapid switching. But i'm mostly co conscious (if I am, in fact, the host, Atticus, which i can't tell right now). Also i feel like a faker?? I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to do.

God i am just so overwhelmed.

We relate SO MUCH to how you're feeling. We think so many times a day, "Who am I right now?" Sometimes it's obvious. Like, if we're feeling pensive and patient, Old Witch is obviously in control. If we're energized and loud, Mina is taking over. But because we're mostly co-conscious Echo is always in so much doubt about who they are at the moment.

What you said about memories strikes many chords, too. My memory is so bad and disjointed and eventually bad memories (which always start out as obsessively thought about and anxiety-causing) seem to fade from existence. We know that it is because a protector is making things more safe for us and helping us get to a point where we can function without so much anxiety, but it makes us feel like nothing is real because we can't remember anything. And experiencing things in the 3rd person, that is something I experience too.

I REALLY know what it's like to feel like a faker. I switch so frequently it's hard for anyone to really pin down switches because it's as if I'm constantly a different person, so it's just that I'm Weird.

I really, really understand where you're coming from and this is a little out of context but I want to thank you for putting into words some feelings we've been having these past few days. It makes us feel less alone and less like we're fake and silly.

I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but one little thing I do is to keep around objects that belong to certain alters. Specifically jewelry. It's a tiny communication we've all silently worked out. If we're wearing a certain necklace, it's Old Witch. If we're wearing a particular ring, it's Mina. It works double duty as a grounding tool as well. Old Witch's necklace was very important to her childhood and encompasses a lot of her identity and when she wears it she feels more completely herself. When Mina wears her ring, she feels powerful because she's reclaiming an item from our abusive family of origin as her own. Is there anything like that you could do? It doesn't have to even be items. Just some fragment of identity that one of you lean toward strongly when you're fronting. Something to make you feel more like you and less like maybepossiblymaybenot the host.

-Echo and others

I also notice that when I'm in a situation that is bad or causes a bit of stress, the memory feels faded or foggy and it's a strain to remember the events properly. I do have some memories that are in third person but most of them are in first person but I feel really detached from it, like I'm watching a movie.

Memory is fickle when it comes to DID. I know we, those who are watching or fronting, frequently lose minutes to hours during the day, especially when something that triggers one of us that is co-con we lose it really fast, as if it never happened.

We understand the rapid switching/co-con because we have been in a state of that since December off and on. It is difficult to keep focused and know who you are. It, to us, is hard to ground ourself when we get triggered and dissociate.

We experience the memories in third person as well. I know that Starr, the host, always experiences the memories in third person for not all the memories are hers. She doesn't get emotions with her memories and is not triggered by pictures or others talking about memories to re-encounter these memories.

If you can't read our signature or can't see the colors well. I am Alyssa.

Thank you so much for the replies, everyone! I guess I should introduce myself (I'll put all our names in the signature later, when our headache dies down a little). I'm Atticus! Right now I'm co con'ing with Bren, who's our protector. I guess I'm what everyone would consider the 'host' but I'd say Bren is out just as much as I am, or at least co con's a lot of the time. I'm pretty sure I was in an intense dissociative state when I made this post, so sorry for any bad spelling you had to read, haha (also Damian, our little, was most likely more at the front then as well. He comes up when we have really bad feelings to sort through sometimes).

What you said about memories strikes many chords, too. My memory is so bad and disjointed and eventually bad memories (which always start out as obsessively thought about and anxiety-causing) seem to fade from existence. We know that it is because a protector is making things more safe for us and helping us get to a point where we can function without so much anxiety, but it makes us feel like nothing is real because we can't remember anything. And experiencing things in the 3rd person, that is something I experience too.

Bren has admitted that he fades my memories. He definitely fades Damian's memories, though I'm not sure about anyone else as I don't know them as well as he does. He's the protector so he feels as if it is his job to take those memories away so they won't hurt us anymore. Even little things that stress me out seem to fade away over time. Unfortunately, as I'm still in school, this is a bad thing as I tend to forget all my assignments and things unless I put out a note to remind us for later.

I REALLY know what it's like to feel like a faker. I switch so frequently it's hard for anyone to really pin down switches because it's as if I'm constantly a different person, so it's just that I'm Weird.

I feel like a faker all the time. Even now, I feel that familiar 'denial' thing in the back of my head. Switches for us aren't just 'black out and come back again'. They're slow things and often I don't even know what's happened until it's all over. And then I'm left to freak out about it alone while the others do their own thing on the Inside.

I'm not sure if you're looking for advice, but one little thing I do is to keep around objects that belong to certain alters. Specifically jewelry. It's a tiny communication we've all silently worked out. If we're wearing a certain necklace, it's Old Witch. If we're wearing a particular ring, it's Mina. It works double duty as a grounding tool as well. Old Witch's necklace was very important to her childhood and encompasses a lot of her identity and when she wears it she feels more completely herself. When Mina wears her ring, she feels powerful because she's reclaiming an item from our abusive family of origin as her own. Is there anything like that you could do? It doesn't have to even be items. Just some fragment of identity that one of you lean toward strongly when you're fronting. Something to make you feel more like you and less like maybepossiblymaybenot the host.

Thank you so much for this advice! We will definitely start doing this. In fact, I think when Bren was fronting more today he put on our leather cuff arm thing. It makes him feel really masculine and 'in charge of things'. So I think this actually is really going to help. Also, I'm glad our posting about it was relatable! I really am glad I'm not the only one, I feel alone all the time unfortunately.

I also notice that when I'm in a situation that is bad or causes a bit of stress, the memory feels faded or foggy and it's a strain to remember the events properly. I do have some memories that are in third person but most of them are in first person but I feel really detached from it, like I'm watching a movie.

Oh, yeah. Most of ours are in third person as far as I can tell. But it really depends on who's 'out' and what memory it is.

We understand the rapid switching/co-con because we have been in a state of that since December off and on. It is difficult to keep focused and know who you are. It, to us, is hard to ground ourself when we get triggered and dissociate.

Nice to meet you, Alyssa! Yeeah, this seems to be happening to us a lot lately. The whole 'in and out' thing is really getting confusing. Today was way better though. Hopefully Bren and I will be able to sort things out with the others somehow.