On being a "boring" multiple

We first discovered that our minds were plural during a crisis during adolescence. Soon after that, we met real live grown ups with multiple personality on the early internet. These people were so cool. Their personalities were incredibly polished and appealing, with complete names and intricate back stories, trendy literary-sounding alternate worlds with no sense of vulnerability involved. They were very polished, endearing and appealing. Who wouldn't want to be that awesome and empowered?

Comparing ourselves to them, we eventually determined that we didn't have multiple personality. They seemed so self-possessed and knowledgeable and happy with themselves. We were depressed and a mess. We couldn't keep track of ourselves and also didn't really understand what having a dissociative disorder meant and didn't like the idea of having one.

I feel like this sense of not being a supernaturally amazing multiple and therefore not being multiple at all set me back and greatly contributed to my newly awakening system at that time going underground. And now that we're waking up again all these years later, I still feel this sense of shame that I am not a brilliant, amazing "multiple."

Writing on another thread about being nervous about not being believed or real because we're not dramatic or obvious enough, I realized that I really need to put this awesome multiple inferiority complex to bed. Maybe we are just a plain, old multiple. And that's not a problem. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let's just revel in who we are, in getting to know ourselves, in learning to live a fuller life out in the open. Goodbye, pressure to be fascinating or brilliant or inspiring. Just be. Honestly. That is enough.

How do you know whether they actually felt like that or whether it was a facade?

Nondescript wrote:Maybe we are just a plain, old multiple. And that's not a problem. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let's just revel in who we are, in getting to know ourselves, in learning to live a fuller life out in the open. Goodbye, pressure to be fascinating or brilliant or inspiring. Just be. Honestly. That is enough.

I think paradoxically this is the start of becoming that brilliantly inspiring persons. I hope for your sake that you really do feel that being multiple isn't something to be ashamed of, and I hope we will genuinely get there too one day.

I feel yah. I get so tired when my T act like it's supposed to all happen in some certain neat and tidy pattern and I'm supposed to say the magic words and my alters all appear and present a new fabulous drama for each session on cue. And tries to treat me like I'm just some basicakly normal person who also has crises sometimes. Like if I'm not in crisis life is peachy? Life is a crisis

It's ridiculous. I spend every day wanting sooooo badly to have even the tiniest smeblance of a normal life. I'm not putting on a show here. :/ there is nothing remotely fun about any of this. I hate did. i hate neglect and abuse. I wish I could feel like just a human being someday....

We can relate to this. it was an fuel for our denial once. we still seem to compare on occasion but doesn't send us not as much back into denial as it did.
No system is the same. No system works the same. For us, we barely know who is who at times, other times we do know.

For us there are no wigs involved ( not yet ) or clear, perhaps there are. we are deepening lately on our indiviual lives, it seem to happen automaticly as our communication increases and our walls are getting weaker (?) More and more there seem to be an deepening, yet there are still moments we dont know who what feels, from who what comes. guess it takes time, patience, encouragement and acceptance. It sorts itself out when the chaos somewhat lays down.
We looked on systems with jelousy more then once, how they knew who they were. It caused lots of doubt. We longed for this separation, for this clarity, for this stablility and "working together" perhaps

Nowadays, it seem to be different, I feel an pull inside right now. Comparing leaded to less communication I guess, or we got sucked into it, losing awareness of...us?
It made us feel boring aswell, like "why cant we be so awesome and glamurous?!"why cant it be that awesome and clear?!" am I worse? Am I, because of this lack of communication ( which I didnt realize back then ), no real multiple?! ofcourse I am And the list goes on

And yet, now I/we (?) type this, and reflecting back, it seems like classic denial and DID.


Sorry for the long post, no idea how this came to be

~Mix. ( trying to add everyone in who wants to )

-- Sat Nov 29, 2014 10:27 am --

Just want to add....
We still seem to do compare in regards of communication. I/we know there are no shortcuts, but the wishing is there. We try not to as it lead to frustration and denial. As if it has an opposite effect to us. It seems to make our walls thicker? Causing an shut off? as if the focus leads away from actual communication between us/those present/able to/want.

Us ( i guess )

Nondescript
You have came to understand the real truth and nature about DID. There is nothing neat, cool or does it make one special. DID is traumatic, horrible, and debilitating. A true plague of a shattered mind. Please do not get us wrong. I/we have came to have great affection for the others but it's still is heart breaking,causing great pain, hurt, suffering and at times sheer terror! Surely no one with any common sense or sanity would want or wish for such an affliction.
watcheroflights

We were depressed and a mess. We couldn't keep track of ourselves and also didn't really understand what having a dissociative disorder meant and didn't like the idea of having one.

Hi. That describes me pretty well. I really like reading about your experience. You are able to express yourself well in words. Again I can't think of a nice response other than to say I understand what you are saying and have felt this way myself. Xoxo

Nondescript wrote:Writing on another thread about being nervous about not being believed or real because we're not dramatic or obvious enough, I realized that I really need to put this awesome multiple inferiority complex to bed. Maybe we are just a plain, old multiple. And that's not a problem. Nothing to be ashamed of. Let's just revel in who we are, in getting to know ourselves, in learning to live a fuller life out in the open. Goodbye, pressure to be fascinating or brilliant or inspiring. Just be. Honestly. That is enough.

Because we are so covert and subtle most of the time no one ever sees our multiplicity. We could be in utter chaos and experiencing extreme derealization and yet outside people never seem to notice. Only family and a close friend have been told about my diagnosis and for most of them it is still this abstract idea. They just don't see the differences. When I am around them I feel that either they don't believe me or are just waiting for me to do something totally crazy to prove the diagnosis. We really are not interested in being overt in appearance and that is why Bryan is there to keep us from outing ourselves. But, sometimes, yeah I wish they would present differently enough that others would know, just because there are times others have said or done things that I would like people to know it wasn't me.

I, too, have heard about those with parts that have amazing hidden skills. I don't expect any of that to be true with me. Right now I am right there with you in just trying to get to know each part of myself. This whole job/career thing that Melissa and Zoe are pushing is an example. We really can't pick anything until we know ourselves better. I am still working on pinpointing who is fronting or influencing at any one time. I'm still trying to accept this some days. A lot of time I would rather be anyone than who I am. Learning to accept and just be...

Nondescript wrote:And now that we're waking up again all these years later, I still feel this sense of shame that I am not a brilliant, amazing "multiple."

How do you know your not a brilliant and amazing multiple, polished, endearing and appealing?

I am so, very much, glad to read that you would put the inferiority complex to bed, that you would just be, without pressure.

However, I would like to add that maybe what could be broadened is your definition of brilliant and awesome, or even your definition of multiple.

For me, you are brilliant and awesome. You are a mom of two who decided that things that didn't go well for her in childhood were not going to be the same for her kids. That is awesome! You had your two kids and went with your husband to a new country, maybe learnt the language there or before, and are growing up a family. That's is awesome. You have a career in which you were successful, easily promoted, related to medicine, and then you decided to become a full-time mom to raise your kids, beautiful beings in love. Both things are brilliant and awesome. Deciding to raise a new generation by being there with them, and loving them fully, and learning, and growing with them, is also endearing, and appealing, and so beautiful.

Being Mr. Mom, and having Alex, whose words are so calming, and centered, and responsible, is so f*cking awesome!! Having a teenager who is just feed up for not being listened to, and who wants to be listened is awesome. Having a little girl who wants to watch cartoon movies, and a little boy who is so mesmerized by art or an art teacher, is so endearing, and awesome.

Having stayed there with your family, instead of running away, wanting to be responsible for your actions, the actions of your whole self is endearing and awesome.

Having this epic love stories, worth of being written, and told, and read, is awesome, and appealing. Remember this part of you who is extremely appealing to others? The one your husband is so attracted to? Showing so many pure feelings to other people is so amazing and appealing, and endearing.

Being in a search to understand one selves, to get to know them, to question how is it different from others, that walk inside is so appealing, and endearing, and awesome and brilliant.

So, for me, you're far from boring, far from a boring multiple. You sole existence is awesome, endearing, and brilliant, and beyond. And, I just know a little part of the immensity you all are.

Maybe, you're having a hard time with vulnerability, you mentioned the word in this post, and that's ok. I guess, we all do. But even in those hard times, we, you, are still awesome, and endearing, and maybe because of those moments we get to see the brilliantness in each of us, and of course, in you.

I don't wish the causes of the DID to be put on to anyone ever again, least of all children . However, the brilliantness of those who developed it as a mechanism to survive, is not only amazing, and appealing, and endearing. It's something that leaves me at awe with all of you.

Now, I gotta run, I only have 8 minutes left to get ready. But didn't want to leave home without having expressed what this posts made me feel.

Sea

If you are considering that you are multiple, that should be enough for now to keep yourself/yourselves occupied--without worrying about being a fancy boutique multiple.

ellenofnine wrote:If you are considering that you are multiple, that should be enough for now to keep yourself/yourselves occupied--without worrying about being a fancy boutique multiple.

Nondescript is not considering whether or not s/he is multiple. S/he has been diagnosed DID. The post is about another way in which denial of our disorder affects us. We see others with the same diagnosis that are either much more together or much more overt and think "that isn't what we have" because we don't present like them. Since DID is so different for everyone it is important that we accept our own system of being.