Split Personality?

I'll try to keep this short and to the point. I'm not sure how to explain this exactly but it's like I have multiple personalities but am fully aware of them. Does this make any sense? I dissociate a great deal but I know I am one person, yet feel there are different "me's"?

1. L: childlike personality; quiet, shy, afraid of people, and usually doesn't like to talk and lives in own world. She loves lolita fashion,stuffed animals, and anything really girly. 2. M: an adult protective personality; she doesn't trust people and is always on guard and ready to fight. She likes to dress goth and stay in shape in order to be ready for any fight. She wants to expose all the secrets and kill the shadow man. 3. K: "normal" adult-like personality who is kind, polite, and cares about others more than self. Doesn't like to stand out and dresses to blend in. She wants to keep secrets secret and keep the status quo. 4. Lu: angry child self; self-destructive and always suicidal. Wants to destroy all of us. *Then there is the "Shadow man" who lives in my head and likes to hurt L but is separate from me...is in my dreams all the time. When I derealize I'm usually always L and when I depersonalize I'm almost always Lu. I know this sounds totally crazy because I know I am only one person but yet I also know that I have distinct selves. If I wake up feeling like M for instance I will dress goth and have a badass attitude, but if I wake up feeling like "L" I have to dress in lolita or something cute,...something which M would never wear. I know I don't have multiple personalities because I know we are all in here but at the same time I don't feel that I am one person fully either? Help!

My therapist told me that disassociation is on a "continuum" when I expressed a similar concern. Prior to my recent surge of research into D.I.D., I had ruled out the possibility because I am aware of various "entities" with whom I speak in my mind. I was under the impression that people with D.I.D. are never aware of the other personas until/unless they get forced into awareness in a therapy setting. I expressed this concern and my therapist said that it's a "continuum" in response. I'm still not sure exactly what she meant by that, or if it was just meant to deflect my concern or something.

I also experience what I now think might be what some call "co-presence" (I think). Where I will be mentally present, but from my perspective it's like I'm just along for the ride while someone else is making decisions, taking actions and experiencing emotions and such that I am not experiencing. I am only watching it all unfold and can remember some or all of it later on.

What pushes D.I.D. towards the front as a suspect (for me) is that I am missing gaps of memory ranging from several months to minutes/hours at a time, yet nobody remembers me ever being catatonic for 5 months or anything like that. So I was obviously doing basic living things, like using the restroom and eating food (at the very least). But I wasn't mentally present for any of it.

Based on what I've read, if I do have D.I.D. and make progress in therapy, then at some point I will be a lot more aware of when alters are lurking/moving in the background and causing "passive influence" (once I get to know them in the first place).

So perhaps what you are experiencing is passive influence?

I believe that there are benefits in semi-conscious dissociation for some people. Your alters may reflect who you do not want to be, want to be and aspire to be. I think everyone has different moods throughout the day and your dissociation helps cope with the limitations of being only one person. It could be that in your mind you really want to be a different person in situation so your mind subconsciously engages in "method acting".

However unlike actors who only change how they say things and look, you may be changing how you think that you should think. The shift in how you should think, I believe confuses your mind and produces the short term memory loss association with dissociation. For people with traumatic experiences they might dissociate involuntarily and reflexively.

Your dissociation probably started out as a coping mechanism where that voice in your head suggested you do things in a "covert" way. However to cope with stress and change you may depersonalize sometimes and you may feel semi-consciously aware but it will feel like someone is doing the talking for you in a "overt" way. I believe that luckily you are in the stage that it is not too traumatic to involuntarily dissociate and you can eventually seek therapy and merge your identities.

Thanks so much for your responses! I think you are both right on about it being more of a semi-conscious or co-conscious sort of situation. My only worry is that there is an equilibrium right now but when I've tried to go to a therapist before I stopped going after the first appointment because she said I looked too happy because K always takes over and acts like everything's fine and doesn't feel comfortable talking about anything in the past. M is the one who wanted to tell someone about everything but K doesn't want to deal and brushes everything off and acts like it's no big deal even though it is for her...and she started crying because she couldn't stand having to talk about it, but then M got mad when the therapist said she doesn't want to focus on the past right now but just get me/us on medication and didn't want to go back again too. M felt it reinforced her belief that she's the only one can protect and save me/us, and nobody can be trusted. I am either M or K most of the time and only L and Lu at times and they feel more separate from me while M and K two parts of the me I live as most of the time. I don't know but I feel the different sides of my self are at war and don't agree on what to do most of the time so there is all this inner conflict and self-hatred.

And does anyone have a shadow/ghost of their abuser who lives in their head? I really believe he's living in my head...like he's haunting all of my selves and keeping them in line too. All my sides are terrified of him, though M has tried to fight him in my dreams and failed many times...because in my dreams he is an immortal serial killer and can't die/be killed. He likes to attack my other selves and Lu likes to beat up on L as well. She hates her and I used to dream of this as a kid all the time...two child versions of me and one of them is beating up the other and abusing her? Does any of this make sense?