At a crossroad with DID

Hi this is my first post so please be gentle. I was diagnosed with DID about eleven years ago now. I have worked hard to stabilise our life. There are primarily three of us. Recently I gave up smoking..which is a good thing. The only problem is that my protective alter has used smoking as a coping strategy all of his life. Now my protector is sad that this part of his life has gone. He has grown older and since I have stopped smoking he has told me that he has nothing. His role as a protector isn't needed like it was when I was younger so he feels that he is not needed. I have told him that he will always be needed as he is a very important part of me. Now this is where things get more complex. He has explained that he wants to be a person too..that he feels isolated. He has told me that he wants to have his own girlfriend..someone who understands him totally. I understand where he is coming from. I am in a committed relationship with a great lady who loves all of us. I have explained to my partner about my protecting alter's desires to have his own girlfriend...which has upset both her and me. In short I dont know what to do about this...do I just try and push my protecting alters feelings aside...do I try and find a comprimise that my partner could accept...we and my partner were doing really well until this new development occured...and now I fear that I will lose her..lose my protector and maybe both of them...this is really hard to write but any advice would be great thanks.

Hi PETE1964,

Welcome to the forum.

Oh, don't push his feelings aside. He was so brave expressing them to you. His feelings are as important as yours. Try exploring together why those feelings are arising. What other tasks might he take on to feel he's important and useful as a team member.

Has your partner considered dating him as well? Is he willing to be courted by her? Would you be ok with it? If not, have you all considered the possibility of an open relationship? Maybe read a bit into it together, and try it slowly? A member of this forum has recommended many times The Ethical Slut. I'm reading it right now.

I was in a relationship with someone who has DID, and one of his alters wanted and pursued a relationship with another person. For me it was devastating. But I believe it was so because of the way it was handled. As a matter of fact in a previous relationship I myself, opened the discussion for an open relationship in which both would slowly see how we'd feel about it, and we would care for each other in the endeavors we might take. I never got to try it, my partner didn't want to, but I do think that if talked, with love and care insecurities might be calmed down.

I wish you wisdom and hope you all get to an agreement that satisfy all three of you.

Sea

Thanks Sea for the advice it is very insightful. I dont want to push his feelings down and I dont want to hurt my partner...there has been enough hurt already. Yes I think he would like to date my partner and I'm am fine with that. She is a great lady and we all love her very much and we dont want to lose her. Lots of things to talk about with my protector and my partner...you have given me hope..thankyou so much. My best wishes to you. Pete.

Hey PETE, that's good news!

It's exciting to know he would like to date your partner. You know? I would have loved to date all of my guys alters. I'm straight, but I would have love dating Sahara as well, a female alter in my guy systems. I loved her as well. And now when people ask me if I have ever been in love with a woman, I absolutely say yes. I loved her and I was courting her as I was courting all of his alters. And one of the most amazing moments was when we were buying heels, and she was afraid of being judged by people in the store, and I hugged her, and told her that it didn't matter what they thought. She hugged me and said: "I love you so much". That moment for me is priceless!!

So I say your lady is in a ride for a great experience. And it's a plus that she knows you all, that she loves you all and that you all love her.

I think good vibes are coming. I hope he gets to feel important and not isolated, that him, you and you lady are happy.

I'm sending you very best wishes for all of you.

Sea

PS: Pete, there are some stories here, if you want to read them, of people with DID whose alters are dating the same person and have very good relationships.

Hi Pete,

I am also a supporter of a man with DID; I think you are awesome! I think the fact that you recognized what was going on and talked to your partner about it is commendable! It's painful, but at least you can work on a solution and that's a great start.

I went thru this with my BF, but he does not fully recognize that he is DID, and he suppressed theses feelings. What happened is the alter ended up taking over and left me to pursue something else. It has led to confusion on his part, and has been painful for me. I hope one day soon he will be able to come forth and talk more about it, as I'm always available. Thank you for talking to your partner.

Best of luck to you, Pete...

Hi Sea. Thankyou for sharing.I think your story is one of the most beautiful things that I have read.

"I would have loved to date all of my guys alters. I'm straight, but I would have love dating Sahara as well, a female alter in my guy systems. I loved her as well. And now when people ask me if I have ever been in love with a woman, I absolutely say yes. I loved her and I was courting her as I was courting all of his alters. And one of the most amazing moments was when we were buying heels, and she was afraid of being judged by people in the store, and I hugged her, and told her that it didn't matter what they thought. She hugged me and said: "I love you so much". That moment for me is priceless!!"

We will take things slowly and talk more with my partner. I understand how hard this is for her, its a new dimension to our relationship and it is very emotional for all of us.
You have helped me greatly and once again I thank you for sharing your experiences with us.
My best wishes to you Sea..you are a very special person.

Hi Patience thankyou for your reply.
I have been where your BF currently is. When I was first diagnosed I thought yes this all makes sense, but then when I totally realised what my diagnosis meant I went into a denial phase...I didn't want to be three people sharing one body. Thankfully I had a brilliant psychologist working with me. It did take a while but gradually I learnt to embrace my circumstance and love my alters...they are very special people.
So thats why my current situation is hard. If I suppress my alters we dont cope very well.
Is your BF having therapy?

Good luck in the future Patience,I think you are awesome too! If I can help you by answering any questions about DID please feel free to ask, Pete.

Patience wrote:Hi Pete,

I am also a supporter of a man with DID; I think you are awesome! I think the fact that you recognized what was going on and talked to your partner about it is commendable! It's painful, but at least you can work on a solution and that's a great start.

I went thru this with my BF, but he does not fully recognize that he is DID, and he suppressed theses feelings. What happened is the alter ended up taking over and left me to pursue something else. It has led to confusion on his part, and has been painful for me. I hope one day soon he will be able to come forth and talk more about it, as I'm always available. Thank you for talking to your partner.

Best of luck to you, Pete...

Awww Pete, your words have made me water my eyes. :')

I remember days before, she had told me she wanted to feel more secure, more confident of herself. And at that moment, asking for a higher number in her heels, she looked at me a little anguished, and after we hugged, and she had the appropriate heel size, she got up and her look changed and her posture changed. It was a privileged for me having shared that moment with her.

PETE1964 wrote:We will take things slowly and talk more with my partner. I understand how hard this is for her, its a new dimension to our relationship and it is very emotional for all of us.

You are so thoughtful of your lady's feelings. That's is invaluable. I'm glad you're also thoughtful of your other alter's feelings.

Going slowly and talking things over will be so helpful. It's definitely a new dimension in your relationship.

Today I was reading the comments the ISST-D made on each of United States of Tara's episode and something they wrote, made me think of you.

You may want to explore together why your protective alter is feeling that way, and is wanting what he wants. That might also help in the development of the course of action you all take.

I take your words to my heart, and whenever you feel like writing, I wanna read you, read you all.

Sea

Hi PETE!

I just wanted to say that I agree with all of the comments above. All the alters learning to love one partner is by far the better option out of all the other alternatives. And also the way you talked this out with both your alter and your partner is very commendable like Patience said!

For future reference, remember that ignoring your alter's desires only makes things worse in most situations. And as a rule, there will always be a common goal you and your alters can work towards, since their wants are what they perceive is the best for the system one way or another.

Also btw Sea, your story was really cute!!! I liked it a lot!

Four

Hi Sea your story is so beautiful, it pulls at my heart strings to read your love for this alter. I can visualise you both in the moment that you describe. Its hard sometimes having DID but in my perspective it is equally hard for those that are in our lives and have to cope with the different alters that present.
You have shared a very special moment in your life and I thank you for sharing this with me and everyone who has read this post.
I am thoughtful of my Lady's feelings but she is also thoughtful of our feelings. Its not always easy and we have had some tough times but we all keep sticking at it.
I will post from time to time any new developments, good or bad, so that this may help others that maybe in a similar circumstance.
Thank you for wanting to read our stuff.
Pete

Seangel wrote:Awww Pete, your words have made me water my eyes. :')

I remember days before, she had told me she wanted to feel more secure, more confident of herself. And at that moment, asking for a higher number in her heels, she looked at me a little anguished, and after we hugged, and she had the appropriate heel size, she got up and her look changed and her posture changed. It was a privileged for me having shared that moment with her.

PETE1964 wrote:We will take things slowly and talk more with my partner. I understand how hard this is for her, its a new dimension to our relationship and it is very emotional for all of us.

You are so thoughtful of your lady's feelings. That's is invaluable. I'm glad you're also thoughtful of your other alter's feelings.

Going slowly and talking things over will be so helpful. It's definitely a new dimension in your relationship.

Today I was reading the comments the ISST-D made on each of United States of Tara's episode and something they wrote, made me think of you.

You may want to explore together why your protective alter is feeling that way, and is wanting what he wants. That might also help in the development of the course of action you all take.

I take your words to my heart, and whenever you feel like writing, I wanna read you, read you all.

Sea