I am so angry at the host part

I am a part and I am so angry at the core/host/front part. I call her frontie and I hate her so much because she says I am ruining her life. She says that because everyday I talk all the time, I stop other parts from talking, I stop frontie from talking in the inside and I take control of the body and do head banging, slap her in the face, try and make her freeze, give the body pains and itches, do things to annoy her on purpose, try to keep her up at night, try to make her think she is thinking things that she is not. I want her to suffer so much. I am so angry because I don't have memories of our whole life and I have to share a body with all these nice parts and frontie and I feel horrible. I feel bad and like no one likes me. But I am horrible to them all so of course they don't like me. And then when I stop talking all the time and trying to hurt them they try and help me because they are weak. They just let me hurt them and do nothing. They should be angry. But then I guess they are sometimes and that makes me angry and then I hurt them again. I want to be the front part, the core, the host. I want to do all the things. I feel like I am a ghost or something. What am I? I'm not a person. Apparently I am a part. And I know I have always been. Frontie says I might feel like this because I felt like I was less than other people when we were young, and now I feel less than other people because I am a part. But I just don't understand. How can I speak and write and I am not a person by myself? Apparently I might be like the gatekeeper part, but I hurt them all so maybe I am a introject part. I don't know.

I've completely taken over the body tonight that is why I can write this. I can write ok but I think I am really young. I just don't understand. Other people with DID seem to have young parts that can't write. There are other young parts and they use frontie to write and spell for them but I can write. I just don't understand. It's like I'm connected to that part of the brain or something. But how can I feel like I am really young but write like an adult. Maybe my language isn't that good though, and I can't really say it's like an adult just because I can spell.

Are there any other parts like me who feel angry at the host part because it's like it's their life? Because they are running the show and they're just in the head and the front part doesn't need them to do things? I am so confused and so angry at her.

I feel angry at the host, too, sometimes so I know what you mean. And I used to be violent and hate all the other parts, too. I know how it feels to be so angry at times and hate someone so much that you don't know what to do. But I soon realized that all the things that I did to hurt them came back around and hurt me back. The reason you feel so angry and miserable is because you are making everyone else miserable. It might not be the only reason, but I'm sure it's the reason why the anger isn't going away.

If you want my help, I would suggest you calm down first and think about what you want logically. Do you want to cause everyone pain? If so why specifically or why not? Is there something specific the host did to make you angry? What would you have her do instead? Make sure to think about these things really specifically to find the true cause of your anger and see what you can do eliminate that cause.

Again, I'm sorry you feel so angry and I hope I helped even a little.

Thank you for your reply.

I understand now that my angry feelings are because I don't want this pain and the bad memories and I was trying to escape them. I understand more now that I am part of one whole person. It's just so confusing as I feel more separate and alone sometimes. And feeling separate from other parts of me is not nice. I just want to feel normal and happy, together with the rest of us. And I now see that I need to speak with the rest of us and work together with the rest of me because otherwise I am just quite literally hurting me. I feel so guilty now for the pain I have caused the rest of us for a long time and I am scared I will get like that again. I just didn't understand and felt so angry and confused I didn't know what to do. It's so hard and confusing for me to understand DID and I do find it in itself very scary. I know it is safe to have DID and we are not mad, we have DID because of trauma. We have thoughts feelings and memories just like everyone else. But even saying 'we' upsets me because we are 'I'. We are all one but feel a bit more separate inside. We are all co-conscious and sometimes some parts rest a bit but we are all more present and not dissociated anymore. I find this hard as I have to hear about other parts of the self that hurt and this hurts me too. I don't want us to be in so much pain. Do you or any part of yourself feel scared to have DID? Sometime I feel like we are so different from other people and are like a freak and maybe it's all not real really. Also things feel like they keep on changing. I felt so scared and like I didn't know a lot before and now I actually feel more connected to other parts of the self. So it's like going from feeling separate to feeling more connected with other parts of self that I didn't know and it's confusing. Writing this now, I know I only know of these things and understand things as I have learnt from other parts. Although I wanted to and asked to write this, it actually feels like we write this together (we are co-conscious though). I am so glad that our front, core, adult part is who she is. Since Saturday I have spoken so much more to her and she has helped me understand things. She has made me feel so much happier. I feel so bad though because I have lied to her and said that other parts were saying things because I thought she just saw me as the bad one. I have some happy memories too and worries and I am a young part, and before I just felt bad so thought like the happy memories are not me. But they are mine too. I just felt so scared and confused. I am holding the scared and confused feelings. And I get lots of PTSD things with memories and sometimes I feel like we're in danger now, but then I get confused because I know were not. Then I feel like I am mad. It's so hard. I must remember they are just memories that haven't been processed yet. And it's not mad to have PTSD and bad memories coming up sometimes and feeling scared. people from war aren't mad when they get PTSD memories and symptoms come up and neither am I.

I know now that really it is our parents I am angry at but at the same time sacred to be angry at. It feels too overwhelming and scary to really talk about the things that have scared me so much that I hid away for a long time. And big one says that it's ok not to talk about these things yet. That we will work on healing a bit at a time. And it is impossible to overwhelming me because consciousness can only deal with one thing at a time. And we will be ok. Our adult part will look after all of us. All of us inner child parts. These things are coming a bit from another part of us now too. I think this means we are all healing. We've done it in our own way and even though on Saturday lots of pain and anger and confusion came up, it was actually healing. I think accepting the bad memories and being kind to self, and allowing self to be soothed will help me stop being angry. I have to accept bad memories too. Accept bad things did happen. It is not our fault bad things happened to us, it is not our fault we got DID. I just wish things weren't so hard and painful for us still now. I wish we didn't have DID. I just want us all to be together and not dissociate anymore. I want us all to heal and feel happy. I don't want to feel different to other people. I don't want to feel weird. I understand this thought of being weird is a young worry. And actually lots of people have bad memories and that doesn't make them weird. And it is not weird to have DID. That it is an incredible way for a person to survive horrible things. I just wish they had never happened.

Thank you again for reading my post and replying. Thank you for your help.

And feeling separate from other parts of me is not nice.

I'm not quite sure if this helps, but the times I feel closest to One, my other half, are when we talk and just joke around about stupid things. See, the reason I did all those bad things in the first place was because we had a lot in common and I hated myself and, in turn, hated her. But now I see we have more good things in common than bad things. And for those bad things we have in common, we can help each other to get through together. So I think that if you calmly just pay attention to what the other parts like and dislike and find some common ground with at least one of them, things will get less painful. If someone constantly makes you angry, don't talk to them. Focusing on your good feelings will makes those feelings stronger, instead of the negative ones.

I feel so guilty now for the pain I have caused the rest of us for a long time

I know from experience that you will be forgiven. I've done horrible things to One and the others, things that no one deserves, and now, she forgives me. She doesn't hold it against me and she doesn't bring it up unless I do. She understands that I was in pain and she understands that she was in pain, but everything is better now and that pain isn't as strong. Don't get me wrong, I'm not perfect. I still accidentally hurt her out of habit when I get stressed, but as long as I try to get better she forgives it and tries to help. And I don't reject her help like I would've in the past because I trust her as much as she trusts me.

I find this hard as I have to hear about other parts of the self that hurt and this hurts me too. I don't want us to be in so much pain.

Now that you mention it, One used to complain about feeling my feelings and I used to complain about other parts unconsciously passing their feelings down to me. Hmm the way I've seen One (who is always up front) deal with it is she acknowledges my feelings and tries to console me or calm me down. She got really good at that haha.

Do you or any part of yourself feel scared to have DID?

I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I feel like I'm not real and that's really scary and feels horrible, but I do stuff to get around that. One doesn't feel bad about being different, though. Sure, most people don't understand and that sucks, but I help her with her life and it seems like having me is an advantage over others rather than not.

I'm glad you talked to your adult part and feel better. I know what you mean when you say everything changes. I have really wide mood swings some times and one moment I'm okay and the next I'm ready to burst into tears.

Hmm...when anger is overwhelming you, I suggest you find a way to express that anger. Locking any feelings away forever isn't mentally healthy. When I get stressed, I ask One to meditate and that calms me down. And when I get angry, she calms me down and we talk it out. We even find a solution or even a compromise to whatever makes me angry. These work for me, but what might work for you might be different. Next time you get angry you could try playing a sport, playing a video game, breathing in and out ten times, go out for a walk, stomp around, punch a pillow (don't do anything that causes pain, though.), or other anger releases. I'm sure you can find at least one way that works for you on the internet.

What you said does sound like you're healing. I would also suggest doing things that make you happy and don't hurt other people to help the healing process.

Hmm, I have this book called Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward and there is this part in the second half of the book that says people need to not only accept that bad things happened to them, but accept that they will never get the childhood that they deserved back to heal. That people need to grieve the death of a good childhood in order to move forward. Personally, I'm not quite at that stage yet, but One went through it. I suggest giving it a read if you're interested. I'm sure you can even find a free copy online somewhere.

Best of luck,
Four

Thank you for sharing your anger for it helped me understand even better, and maybe try and be supportive to my friend whenever they need it.

I see you're walking towards healing, and it's wonderful.

I wish you the very best. Continue on that path.

Sea

Thank you so much for your replies to my post pepsinotes and Seangel – you've helped me and the angry part a lot. She would like to respond to a few things you talked about pepsinotes.

I still accidentally hurt her out of habit when I get stressed, but as long as I try to get better she forgives it and tries to help. And I don't reject her help like I would've in the past because I trust her as much as she trusts me.

I've tried to stop hurting all parts and the core adult part but I m still doing it out of habit when I get stressed out too. I kept them up for hours last night because I was so angry that they fell asleep and left me. But I understand they were tired.

For the whole day I have just been talking non-stop in our inner talking space like I usually do, and saying horrible things again. Do you have a part that talks all the time? Is this normal? Our T says that I do talk a lot compared to others with DID.

Hmm the way I've seen One (who is always up front) deal with it is she acknowledges my feelings and tries to console me or calm me down. She got really good at that haha.

My core adult is good at this too. I've had another part helping me a lot too recently. Sometime I get jealous of her and another part though because they are all nice.

I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I feel like I'm not real and that's really scary and feels horrible, but I do stuff to get around that. One doesn't feel bad about being different, though. Sure, most people don't understand and that sucks, but I help her with her life and it seems like having me is an advantage over others rather than not.

What kind of stuff do you do to get around that? I feel like the only way I feel better is to be more towards the front with the core adult part and take control of things whilst she's there, but I mess things up all the time and give her no space she says. Also it scares me as if I get in a mood and do things to upset her, others will see. And then I'm scared I will hurt us all and we will have to go to hospital or something.

My big one doesn't have a problem with having DID or being different either. She says everyone has parts and that singletons just feel closer together and not as separate.

Hmm...when anger is overwhelming you, I suggest you find a way to express that anger. Locking any feelings away forever isn't mentally healthy. When I get stressed, I ask One to meditate and that calms me down. And when I get angry, she calms me down and we talk it out. We even find a solution or even a compromise to whatever makes me angry. These work for me, but what might work for you might be different. Next time you get angry you could try playing a sport, playing a video game, breathing in and out ten times, go out for a walk, stomp around, punch a pillow (don't do anything that causes pain, though.), or other anger releases. I'm sure you can find at least one way that works for you on the internet.

I think we are quite similar. I have found recently that just sitting down quietly and talking really helps calm me down too. The thing is I get scared about when we stop and big one has to do things. I get sacred of my own behaviour! Big has said maybe sports will help me too...

What you said does sound like you're healing. I would also suggest doing things that make you happy and don't hurt other people to help the healing process.

Hmm, I have this book called Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward and there is this part in the second half of the book that says people need to not only accept that bad things happened to them, but accept that they will never get the childhood that they deserved back to heal. That people need to grieve the death of a good childhood in order to move forward. Personally, I'm not quite at that stage yet, but One went through it. I suggest giving it a read if you're interested. I'm sure you can even find a free copy online somewhere.

My big one has also gone through this. I am at the stage still where I think it's all my fault that we had an abusive childhood. My big one says it's not my fault all the time but I think I am even hurting her with body memories, even though she says I'm not and it's not my fault we have memories. It's so disturbing when they happen and I feel like I'm hurting her.

Big one has had a look for the book and says we will read it together when I want.