*Trigger Warning* Renactment urges

made it to our doctors appointment yesterday and sort of tried to explain what was going on. he was really understanding about how anniversaries can ###$ things up in the system. more memories, more anniversaries are lining up around this time. it's like our life always went to $#%^ around this time of year.

i feel so mad. i SI too, but im not stupid about it.

*possible trigger warning* it was hard enough dealing with SA fragmented memories, but now the more psychological and emotional stuff is coming forward and its freaking me out (in the more going crazy way than scared). im seeing too many similarities in our thought patterns and realizing how brainwashed we were. it hurts more that we still have people/fragments inside us that are doing exactly what hurt them in the first place. *possible trigger warning end*

Nym's still freaking out about the 'box' and we all have no idea how open we should be in therapy. don't want to suffocate, but don't want to call for help. Can't live in stasis either, as this event has proved.

how much help do we even deserve? i feel like a fraud, and an overly needy one at that.

You aren't a fraud. You aren't needy, you have needs. There is a difference.

Can't say much right now. Safe hugs if wanted. Thinking of you.

today i found out/re-realized that someone in here has a serious Jekyll/Hyde thing going on.
This person is usually really caring and practical, but then this side of them comes out (trigger(s) still unknown) and they become completely sadistic and masochistic
Playing torture 'movies' in our head, hurting the body, mutilating themselves inside and generally scaring the crap out of me/others inside.
Talking with them causes them to attack or become aggressive verbally, and we've learned never to touch them when they're like this.

So posing a question to anyone (if anyone's still following the thread ) How do you deal with a masochist? We escaped any bodily harm this time, but this is a battle that seems to be coming up more frequently lately.

I analyzed which part of the pain it is that I like. I like the idea of it and the thought of looking forward to it. So I tend to visualize *trigger warning* myself holding a knife to my throat or wrist, or pressing a gun to my temple. Sometimes I imagine myself bleeding to death. I try to imagine exactly how I would feel and I allow myself to enjoy it without feeling bad. All parts of you need acknowledgement and love, even violent and masochistic parts. The trick is finding satisfaction in a nonharmful way.

Thank you for replying.

Yesterday we were getting a never ending stream of horrible horrible images after said member got triggered. Before that they hurt themselves quite a bit inside but thankfully didn't do anything lasting to the body. I can't figure out what makes them want to tear themselves apart when triggered. I could understand the videos of them hurting the perpetrator, but even those got way too out of hand and i haven't figured out how to block their mind from mine when they get like that so i don't have to see that stuff.

In a way, i guess that might have counted as a technically non-harmful way of dealing with it, but i still feel filthy and a bit disturbed for having seen that.