Hello -New to DDNOS / DID... Few Questions.

Hello,

First of all, hello to you all. I've been in the psych forums for a while whilst diagnosed with Conversion Disorder and think this a great place. Helpful moderators and UNDERSTANDING! Which is something that helps us all feel less alone I'm sure.

I am now diagnosed with a "Dissociative Disorder". I'm not quite sure what exactly is happening to me... I have the view that there is more than one me and they all operate independently but are still me. "I" am always present and observe when others take over my body (Normally this doesn't happen too much). I dissociate daily and can be paralysed for about 4-5 hrs on average. During this paralysis i'll be dissociated and having flashbacks, seizures and acting out things that have happened to me. - This is all involuntary on my part. I am also not sure who/what/where "I" am (internally). During this time I hear other people talking to me and they talk through my mouth.

(*** Possible Trigger *** - I've been able to cope to a certain degree but of late one of the "voices" in my head took control of my body and held a knife to my throat telling me he was going to kill me. - This was after me challenging him that he couldn't do it and he was a metaphor of my fear about being killed for disclosing about abuse. I called his bluff (it was just a threat) and now he's gone... ******)

I have been able to cope to a degree with what's going on by practicing relaxation techniques & CBT during these episodes and so have felt a level of control, or acceptance of being out of control. Since the knife incident I have just become a single observer in extreme pain and unable to think - but yet i know i still exist and am "here" to an extent. Because i can't think I can't practice the tools i have to "get back" , ground or re-assure myself. Its like being dropped into the middle of a paradox with definitions all removed whilst other people are talking through my paralysed body and we're all literally screaming in pain. (It hurts - a lot and the headaches are unbelievable).

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice or understanding of this? I'm still awaiting therapy and my last visit to A&E was more hassle than it was worth; the Mental Health nurse told me I had the responsibility of control and of choice. This i do not understand? How can you have this if what is happening is involuntary? I do not choose and have as much choice over it as i do about what i dream.

Sooooo...

Just wondering if anyone had any advice about:

Dealing with responsibility, are we responsible for what an other "me" is doing? Is there an underlying choice being made that we don't have access to? I feel very guilty Im not doing the right thing here.

Can you learn to elicit control during co-consciousness?

Tips on handling the "Is this real or my imagination" thought stream?

How do you "come back" if you can't think?

Cripes! --- Not too much to ask of you then?!?


I'm not expecting anyone to solve this overnight for me, but if someone can relate to what i'm asking that'd be enough.

Much love and many thanks for reading.

I hope you peace and love

Matt x

Hi Matt - take a look at the research page below. Lots and lots of questions and answers. May be helpful to you - xxxooo

Hey!

Many thanks.

Is that the resources thread that's pinned in the topic forum or have i blindly missed a link here?

Many thanks for your quick reply!

Muchly Appreciated

M xox

Hi Matt

We can relate.

We also are co-conscious almost all the time (at least I'm almost always present). When somebody else fronts I become the voice in the back of their head, and, most importantly, I am able to stop them from saying/doing things that would be inappropriate (like niva saying Hey sexy to my boss's girlfriend); I can also talk through them if needed, but it sounds really ###$ up, like in slow motion/very dissociated. They listen to me most of the time.

I, personally, don't really suffer from regular memory loss (though others do) because I am able to access the information of the other alters; I recently remembered/learned about a 6 month period of our life thanks to the fact that jane has started talking to me for the first time (beyond the usual periodic fragmented outbursts i.e. help me and I'm sorry and such), but that's the most I 'forget' - I knew all along that we'd been abused in the house during that time, and had a vague idea of what happened, but not the details that jane shared with me.

I also feel that they are all parts of me, that they are separate from me i.e. not me, not like me, but originated from me - their own selves with their own multifasceted personalities, but not different people. I don't know if that made any sense ?

Sorry to hear about the paralysis . We've been paralyzed for an hour or two a few times, but not 4-5 hrs/day! WHat helped us out of it is focusing on whatever grounding techniques we can - usually that means the breath - we can control the breath. Eventually we can move our eyes, so we do that. Think whatever you are able to about reminding him/her/yourself that you will be OK, that you are not in that bad place anymore, etc.

Abuser alters are not uncommon. One thing I've come to learn about them is that while they do act abusively, they want to be in control, so usually don't harm the body too severely (loss of control), though it can get very close, be very scary/hurtful. My goal for niva is for her to be our protector eventually, though this seems impossible right now (but we've said that about many things that we've accomplished!).

I hate hospitals. They have no idea.

I do not choose and have as much choice over it as i do about what i dream.

Remember that people can learn to control their dreams!

You may not be able to control things now, but in time/with practise you should be able to increase your level of control/tolerance/etc.

Can you learn to elicit control during co-consciousness?

Yes.

Tips on handling the "Is this real or my imagination" thought stream?

hmm. I think denial is vital for alters to exist. For us, I feel I'm lying/faking it whenever I'm alone, but then when the others are in my head/taking over I know it is real and that we need help! back and forth..

How do you "come back" if you can't think?

Always focus on what you can control, not on what you can't. The breath comes first for us usually - can you control that?

Hope something I said maybe helped?

Hi Matt,

Dealing with responsibility, are we responsible for what an other "me" is doing? Is there an underlying choice being made that we don't have access to? I feel very guilty Im not doing the right thing here.

Can you learn to elicit control during co-consciousness?

I suffer with DID but am co-conscious the majority of the time. I also suffer with a part taking control of the body and have experienced a very similar situation to what you have shared above. When this happened for me the therapist I was seeing didn't truly understand what DID is and also told me about being responsible for my actions. The thing is I wasn't in control! The way I see it, part of me was in control then and they're responsible for their actions, but I am the adult part (ANP/host) and I am responsible for looking after the whole system. It's complicated!

You can take control during co-consciosness. I was very scared at first but I told myself I am going to stop that movement. A still does head–banging, smacking me in the head and shaking the body (all of which I stop bar the body shaking (takes too much energy)) but she hasn't ever done something like you shared again.

If you're conscious, and you can think you're conscious, then I think you can think you want to stop... I went through the same thing thinking 'I can't think', but then realised I was thinking 'I can't think'! Maybe the same thing is happening for you?