We've been away

Its been a while since I came on to the forums, i miss all you i spoke to on here and its been a rough time for me and thats why i wasnt able to come back for a while.
I am SO SICK of DID. Im sick of talking about it, working on it, it pisses me off and I just want all these stupid people to go away.
Im not the type that really knows, gets to know or has ever wanted to know about my alters. i denied it for a long time, thought i had some sort of narcolepsy or something and now that ive been working with a specialist for a year i still just want to run away.

i read your posts and I just wonder how you all manage your days. Im tired, too tired to go on and ever since i started "listening" to what these assholes have to say my lifes gotten more annoying and complicated. I want out. Now and today.
Whats the sense in being like this and even being alive? I really have nothing much to offer...
i guess i give my doctor something to do, but other than that its useless.
Been thinking all day, Im over, were over, its all over.
I feel positive about it though, like im finally doing something RIGHT for once. No more burden.
Ive done a bit of housework, tidied up and tried to tie up as many loose ends as possible in my life. Made a few phone calls and really taken care of some things. Feeling happy, strangely enough. Free.
I know ill never be better, I accept that. doesnt matter much anymore. Things will be better 'up there" maybe. or down there, probably down there im not sure.

If you are feeling suicidal, please contact an emergency service. It may not feel like things will get better but they can and they will in time, with enough work.

2 years ago I was so tired of my DID. I was tired of trying to accept and trying to include everyone. I was tired of listening to everything that was said and losing time and just barely having even a concept of who I was, let alone everyone else.

I'm in a big system but I still don't feel like some minuscule part anymore. I'm a part of something big and we work together to achieve the life we want. Instead of "losing time", I try to think of it as giving someone else a chance not to, and to experience this life we all so deserve.

These are all part of you and getting to know them, to treasure them, is the only way I've found to accept and truly live with DID without the heaviest burdens of sacrifice and resentment. Those feelings do still arise - of course - but it's rarer and not nearly with as much depth. I deserve time in this body, but not at the expense of anyone else. We share this vessel, this body, this life. I don't share it with them - we share it with each other.

Thinking of you. Please take care.

thats very thoughtful, makes sense, sounds wonderful actually, your point of view. I wish i could get there.
it wasnt a cry for help really, its just i feel its time to take some control. Do something positive. working together with them feels like trying to be friends with people you just dont get along with, have little respect for and just hate the things they do. I am the miniscule part of this it feels. and the commentary from my friends and family sucks.
im sick of their jokes, im sick of them using the "who are you now??" whenever they get mad at me and i fight back as MYSELF. constant jokes. i never told anyone up until the end of last year, and it seems like it was a terrible idea. i cant stand it. anymore it has to end sometime

thats very thoughtful, makes sense, sounds wonderful actually, your point of view. I wish i could get there.

I truly believe that you can.

working together with them feels like trying to be friends with people you just dont get along with, have little respect for and just hate the things they do.

That's understandable. When I started getting to know my system I felt like that with certain parts. I didn't like them, I pushed them away, I resented them. But when I acted like that, how do you think they responded? By being kind and generous and forgiving and respectful? No. They had taken heavy burdens for our collective self and to then be expected to be grateful that I would even speak to them? Not likely. I had to earn their respect and their trust. I had to show that I appreciated what they had been through and be generous in my feelings towards them. They deserved to be met with kindness, even if they aren't always kind themselves. They tend to be unkind because others have been unkind to them. Inside is a fragile, lovely person - and that's the person I would like to befriend. Maybe looking at it a little more like that may help?

and the commentary from my friends and family sucks.
im sick of their jokes, im sick of them using the "who are you now??" whenever they get mad at me and i fight back as MYSELF. constant jokes. i never told anyone up until the end of last year, and it seems like it was a terrible idea. i cant stand it. anymore it has to end sometime

I'm so sorry to hear you're experiencing being bullied like that. Have you tried setting some boundaries with these people in how they react with you and treat you? Have you tried telling them that you are not comfortable with x y z behavior and following through with what consequence you lay out before them?

I really believe things can get better. Please stay safe and take good care of all of yourselves.

Thank you, you really seem to understand. Your suggestions are doable. I have to get out of my head, i know that. Im trying to pretend to be normal all the time you see, i live in a place where your not supposed to show emotions, not supposed to be real. Its difficult and you become an outcast very quickly.
im going to try the boundaries and carrying through thing, it just hurts so bad you know,? you forget those words. im here again today..im just waiting for the right time at this point. when it feel right, so this is helping.

It is okay to take a "denial holiday" now and then. Sure, you can decide it was all in your head and you're going to put all that nonsense away now. For a time. Get your affairs in order. Catch up on bills and cleaning and other chores. Those are constructive activities. For a time.

Thank you, you really seem to understand. Your suggestions are doable.

I'm glad to hear that. I think it can be difficult in practice but so worth it.

I have to get out of my head, i know that.

I think conversely being more in your head is just as good. It's a matter of how it's done, really. Not stressing about what it looks like or what to think about it, but stressing putting your (all of you) needs first and making everyone feel like they have a place is a good thing.

m trying to pretend to be normal all the time you see, i live in a place where your not supposed to show emotions, not supposed to be real. Its difficult and you become an outcast very quickly.

I'm sorry you experience that, I think that's common for a lot of cultures. It can be very tiering to be expected to keep up with everyone like that. Do you think you could allow yourself to focus on being healthy instead of normal? Taking care of yourself instead? Putting the focus on your experience of yourself rather than how you are perceived is really important in giving yourself good self-care.

im going to try the boundaries and carrying through thing, it just hurts so bad you know,? you forget those words. im here again today..

Of course it hurts, and I'm sorry you experienced that. Setting boundaries sounds great. It really helps in dealing with people and how people deal with you

I hope you're feeling better today