Defining what "remember" and "forget" mean

(Sorry if I'm flooding the forum with too many questions...)

When people talk about "not remembering large parts of your childhood", for example. What does that mean? Does it mean specifically that, if someone tells you about that time in your life, it just won't ring a bell? Or is it normal for people to actually remember their entire lives as if it were a movie or a story in a book? (Like being able to remember virtually every significant level of detail that you want to — on your own, not just confirming something that someone else told you.)

I've asked a lot of Singletons the same question. Before the age of 13 I can string together a handful of fragmented memories. My entire childhood is truly lost, before 13 I do not remember extended family, birthdays, holidays, EVER going to school or being in one, I don't even know the floor-plans of the homes I lived in.

Yes, I've always wondered that too, how most people remember their child years- I used to think it was normal to not remember that far back, but then realized most people did remember. All I have are fragmented memories of some specific events, and most the stories I tell people about my childhood are constructed from stories my relatives, friends, and photographs have told me. Some of those 'memories' may also just be constructs from stories and photos rather than real ones. That's actually how I realized it wasn't typical to recall so little- they could all remember that far back, and I was the only one who couldn't! Now, as a senior in college, I have small recollection of freshman year and even most of sophomore year- memories don't stay clear longer than maybe a year... people will tell me about stuff, "remember that time you..." and I'll look blankly at them with no clue what they're talking about. I end up having to lie about it and pretend I remember. =/

Bipolar_Cat wrote:Yes, I've always wondered that too, how most people remember their child years- I used to think it was normal to not remember that far back, but then realized most people did remember. All I have are fragmented memories of some specific events, and most the stories I tell people about my childhood are constructed from stories my relatives, friends, and photographs have told me. Some of those 'memories' may also just be constructs from stories and photos rather than real ones. That's actually how I realized it wasn't typical to recall so little- they could all remember that far back, and I was the only one who couldn't! Now, as a senior in college, I have small recollection of freshman year and even most of sophomore year- memories don't stay clear longer than maybe a year... people will tell me about stuff, "remember that time you..." and I'll look blankly at them with no clue what they're talking about. I end up having to lie about it and pretend I remember. =/

This is one of the things I wonder about /a lot/. I don't know how much it is weird to not remember. One of my friends says it isn't weird to not remember a lot of things... But, as you, I can't remember a lot of my childhoood (most of the things I know are because my parents tell a lot of stories, the photographs I have and so), I remember since my 13, and even so, there's a lot of things my friends/family told me I did/said and I don't remeber (and, as you, pretend to, or just laugh at it or something like that. lol)

I have a lot of "false memories". I call them like that because it's supposed to be /my/ memories, but the person that are in this memories aren't me (and even so, it feels so real...)

Recently I found out that I went to a place years ago, with my mother, but I don't remember that at all. I thought this year was the first time I went to that place. lol Then my mother told me "but we went when you had 16!" That worried me a little. I thought all the things I didn't remember was from my childhood, but apparently it isn't.

I only know for sure of one clear instance of a very large gap in my memory — the language school where I began to learn English, around age 10, which I can't remember anything about, even after realizing (about a year ago) that there was this whole period of several months that I had forgotten about. The funny thing is that I can't even imagine anything that could have been particularly traumatizing about that school. It's just... gone.

At least as far as I can remember, my childhood was very isolated, because I was bad at making friends (or didn't even want to make any friends), and because in practice my parents actually discouraged any friendships. And I don't have any mementos of my childhood (for several different reasons). So 99% of the memories of those times were only ever captured by myself, by family members (mostly first-degree), or in photographs.

I don't talk to my family, and it can be very unsettling to look at old photos, so I usually don't. And my own memory is very spotty. All of the few scenes and events that I remember spontaneously seem to be either negative or just bland. But I know that there were things that I liked a lot. I know, for example, that I used to be very excited about Christmas every year, but I have long forgotten what the experience was like, and I have very few first-person memories of the actual holidays.

On one hand, it's hard to imagine that spotty childhood memories are not the norm rather than the exception. But on the other hand, I wonder... do those memories really qualify as "memories"?.. How can I know what was real and what wasn't, when it seems like all the old memories were artificially reconstructed on way or another? Is it not normal to only have reconstructed memories? Or is only this very questioning of (reconstructed) memories that is not normal?..

Bipolar_Cat wrote:Yes, I've always wondered that too, how most people remember their child years

But... do they really? Or are they simply better at stringing memory fragments (both real and imagined) into a single story, and then sticking to the same story later on?

I only used to remember very little at school. And more facts like I went to x school. One night when I was in bed with a friend away from home (just the company lol). I started to cry. He asked what was wrong and I said "I have A memory". It was the first time I remembered anything at all. I was about 20 and the memory was from when I was 15. I was back in beautiful gardens, and turned around to see my parents walking towards me. Before that point I didn't feel I had any memories.

One day when I was nannying, I took the child to a toddler group in a church. An organist walked past and the conversation in our head went "Grandad used to play the organ" "Oh did he, what does he do know" "he's dead". We fought back tears until we left work that day then cried and cried and cried. I knew he had passed away but yet....I hadn't known! In therapy I was asked when he passed away, and my answer was "10 years ago... but I only just found out". I had been 10 at the time and simply suppressed the memory because I didn't know what to do about the information.

I call some things 'rememories'. Like the memory I was describing earlier, to me is a 'rememory' because it's a memory that's I've remembered.

Does it mean specifically that, if someone tells you about that time in your life, it just won't ring a bell? Or is it normal for people to actually remember their entire lives as if it were a movie or a story in a book?

It is not normal to remember everything. I find that while DID does make a person have more time loss, conversely it also makes one able to remember a lot more than a normal person. It's just separated and can be hard to reach.

I have lost years of my life. It means there's a black gaping hole where I have filled absolutely nothing. I have absolutely no idea what happened. I thought two incidents happened maybe weeks apart (knowing I did lose time), but it turned out there were years in between. I have no memory of them in the slightest.

I've literally had memories come back in the way that my mind has sort of run through them on fast forward and I've regained access to them. They weren't memories I didn't have so much as ones that I didn't have access to because they were separated from my conscious experience. Not so much stuff that would be considered traumatic as just stuff that became separated because of how things were organized if that makes sense. I remember a lot more now but at one point I pretty much blanked most of my childhood except very vague/sporadic snippets of stuff - I think because different pieces of me were dealing with adult life and there was a lot of separation.