Parenting with did

My child (16) is overwhelmed with something. So alt A (protector) tries to come out to fix it. Alt B prevents alt A from coming out fully ( alt A sucks at parenting) - Alt B does a great job of engaging and equipping the child to calm herself down. Alt B continues to act on behalf of the child which requires talking to a school counselor on the telephone and several emails.
All is well. Then after all this has passed and everything certainly is okay I remember being sad, overwhelmed and wanting to cry?

At this point Alt C moves forward to do her thing ( replacing the brake on her bicycle) like this was an urgent item?! Never mind making dinner ?! Intense DP/DR hits, face pressure and slight headache behind the right eye. Then I remember watching Alt C dealing with the bicycle which has nothing at all to do with the before incident; it's simply a distraction. I did wonder who is interested in this project? Then I wonder if I am a young teen ? working on my bike?

Having DID and parenting feels so hard. I don't want my kids to be like me :/ I try to be engaged and helpful when they need me. However, this triggers out parts in response to their needs and sometimes it's triggering out parts that are about their age- I have two alters that will come out in response to two of my children and their emotional needs. I feel so inadequate

Hi Journalgirl. I want to let you know that you are not alone. I myself don't have DID, as far as I know but my husband does. He also has the same feelings of inadequacy that you do when the alters have to come out to deal with the situation with the kids. He has 1 protector who comes out to deal with when my daughter cries and he pops out (my husband thinks "I could have dealt with that"), when my children have issues arguing then another protector pops up, then when my son is dealing with his depression a little age 9 comes up and speaks with him. He gets frustrated thinking he could have done it but on the other hand he knows that they come out to do it for him because they feel that he can't do it or he wasn't able to before. He is working on that.

He has asked his ISH in certain situations to make sure none of the alters are triggered out, that he wants to try and handle the situation himself. So, a few times he has done that and he has felt the stress (the reason they come out) but he is trying to deal with his stresses & things so that they don't have to.

I don't know if you have started talking to your insiders but if so, maybe you can talk to your ISH? I'm not sure how other people's systems work, mines is pretty unique compared to others. Maybe that would be an option.

(PS - If there is anyone w/DID who knows what I'm saying isn't correct and I'm taking her in the wrong path, even though I'm only by what my husband's system is like, please correct me. I wouldn't want to steer anyone the wrong way.)

-- Sun Oct 06, 2013 12:54 pm --

Hi Journalgirl. I want to let you know that you are not alone. I myself don't have DID, as far as I know but my husband does. He also has the same feelings of inadequacy that you do when the alters have to come out to deal with the situation with the kids. He has 1 protector who comes out to deal with when my daughter cries and he pops out (my husband thinks "I could have dealt with that"), when my children have issues arguing then another protector pops up, then when my son is dealing with his depression a little age 9 comes up and speaks with him. He gets frustrated thinking he could have done it but on the other hand he knows that they come out to do it for him because they feel that he can't do it or he wasn't able to before. He is working on that.

He has asked his ISH in certain situations to make sure none of the alters are triggered out, that he wants to try and handle the situation himself. So, a few times he has done that and he has felt the stress (the reason they come out) but he is trying to deal with his stresses & things so that they don't have to.

I don't know if you have started talking to your insiders but if so, maybe you can talk to your ISH? I'm not sure how other people's systems work, mines is pretty unique compared to others. Maybe that would be an option.

(PS - If there is anyone w/DID who knows what I'm saying isn't correct and I'm taking her in the wrong path, even though I'm only by what my husband's system is like, please correct me. I wouldn't want to steer anyone the wrong way.)

Simply Monet - thank you for your response! Wally helps processing and hearing from other parents-

I'm thinking the incident with my daughter last week was progress though last week it didn't feel that way. You are right regarding requesting help from the internal self helper, in my case I call this part "Observer"- I have been able to develop a sort of team approach to parenting since I am co-conscious for the most part. I notice too that the protector is the first part to front In a crisis with my children and this part jumps forward. I have had to ask him to pipe down and let the more mothering gentle parts handle kid interactions. My children do not know I have did though they know I have PTSD issues and see a counselor. I have had my daughter say - who are you? You are NOT my mother to the pro :/

So the other day the Pro was triggered and asked to step aside- he agreed. Then two parts co hosted the crisis. Yay for that it went well. THEN (now I realize, after the fact) that a younger part tried to front because she empathizes with the struggles my daughter is having. She did not want to step aside and was forced aside by a tougher part- this caused a bit of fogginess and partial time loss. SO important to realize when the younger empathetic parts trigger in response to my children's struggles. I will try to gently move this part back (next time) so as not to shut everyone out at once.

The best parenting help is teamwork, trying to keep communication open and choosing the best parts to help when needed.

I'm struggling with parenting right now. I have support from my partner but I feel a lot of guilt around these problems, and my daughter can tell that I'm not well; she has brought it up with my SO. Does your daughter know you have DID? Do you think it's appropriate to discuss it with them? What do you think might be a good way of explaining why things are difficult, without going into specifics? She is eight, if that helps.

Do you think it's appropriate to discuss it with them? What do you think might be a good way of explaining why things are difficult, without going into specifics? She is eight, if that helps.

I know this wasn't aimed at me but I just wanted to say that, if you do decide to tell your child, that The Silver Boat books by Ann Adams are great. They talk about dissociative disorders (or DID) in a children's book format. We have The Silver Boat II and it's lovely

no that's a huge help, thank you, i will look that up for sure. she is quite confused and understandably gets upset when i am in a different state and not properly communicating and i want to at least help her realise that it isn't her fault. children often blame themselves when they see their parents in distress and i hate the idea that she might feel that way.

skin wrote:Do you think it's appropriate to discuss it with them? What do you think might be a good way of explaining why things are difficult, without going into specifics? She is eight, if that helps.

I know this wasn't directed toward me either but what we did, even when we didn't know what was going on (we have a 6, 8 & 10 yr old), but we at first explained it that my husband was dreaming. He was dreaming that he was a little kid but with his eyes opened. This is what we really thought until like a month and a half later we found out that he had DID (still hasn't had an official dx). It worked for my 6 and 8 yr old and then as time progressed and that didn't work any more we finally broke down and just told him that when he was younger he had bad things happen to him by bad people and he use to pretend it wasn't him that these things weren't happening to and he created our new friends and family. We didn't go into detail with them but we talked to them later about how they should treat each other w/respect and what not to do to each other or anyone & then emphasized the need for them to come and talk to us whenever anything would happen to them (we gave them a list of things).

So now, the Littles come out to spend time with the kids & they love them all. Candy who is 9 comes out and spends time with my 10 yr old & is supportive with him and his depression, the 2 young girls come out and play with my 6 yr old and have tea parties and play with dolls and my 8 yr old plays with the 8 month and 12 month.

My husband gets frustrated too when they come out to handle a situation with the kids BUT when the kids come out and help my 10 yr old it's a blessing because he openly opens up to her which he at times finds hard to do with us. Best wishes.

So lovely Simply Monet

Explaining it as dreaming might be a good option, right now she just knows I change and I'm too poorly to get out of bed sometimes. She mostly gets on with it ok and she's looked after by my SO who is amazing with kids (inside kids included). Aside from broken or mumbly and childlike verbal communication, there is someone who refuses to communicate with either my SO or my daughter; he doesn't acknowledge them and it can be pretty oppressive. I'm not sure who it is. This is the state that upsets her more than the others. There is another mute state but they acknowledge in other ways so it's not a complete blank.

I would like the littles to be able to play with her; I struggle to connect on her level so I am hoping that as I learn to allow the littles their space I might be able to develop that side. My SO isn't sure it's such a good idea to -be- little with my daughter because it might make her insecure.

Great responses.
Skin: my children are teens and older and I have not specifically used the word DID but I have explained PTSD and it is something they were able to understand and yet it didn't overwhelm them. I would explain things at her level. It's super helpful to have spouse SO or supportive adult to help with parenting. My husband has been able to engage with the kids when I just haven't been able to. The children's books LLT suggested sound helpful - let us know what you figure out-