What feels like clarity

This is Meranda. The "core".

For the past year I have been bad enough with splitting and dissociation to warrant calling myself a multiple. If I'm honest with myself, I experienced dissociation before. Mostly in the form of - then unnamed - child selves. But it didn't get this bad before "Josh". One day I just decided I was male, and I went with it, and wanted to go along with transitioning. Then more alters started to show up, and more, and more, more splitting, more selves, and I gave more of them names. I have been "Josh" for almost a year.

I want to go back. I want to be a girl. I focused so much on becoming this boy Josh that I didn't realize how unhappy I was becoming. I put the femme in a neat little box and dissociated from it to rationalize my nice little "trans narrative". I was never a little boy growing up. I didn't wish to be a boy any more than any other girl does, after realizing the implications of her gender. I am not a transsexual.

I don't know if "Josh" is still there or if you would call this an "integration" or simply a "waking up". But I feel like I've lost myself in all of this. I feel like in becoming a boy i left a core part of me behind, and the mask has been falling apart. I don't know how to tell people. I don't know how to say that I've wasted everyones time, that I made a mistake, and can't even explain why. I'm afraid of losing all of my trans friends.

I'm afraid of what this all means. Surely this moment of "clarity", or what feels like clarity after a long storm, won't last? I couldn't just have made this year up. Will Josh come back with a vengeance after I've had my "run"? I don't know.

I just want to live.

sounds like a host change. wishing you guys some clarity.