inertia

constant frustration - feel like everything inside is knotted up all tight. keep feeling so damn pissed off with everything and then feeling nothing at all. trouble communicating; allowing space to talk but all i'm getting right now is different variations on 'I couldn't give less of a $#%^ about your problems'.

There's a massive vacuity and it's inaccessible and i can't be ######6 bothered trying to patch up all these gaping holes inside the mind of someone whose best attempt at existing is sitting inside a messy house day after day. It isn't my responsibility to take care of

sorry, i feel really embarrassed about this post. also can't stop these massive waves of anger.

Its okay, don't feel embarrassed. I think everyone here is understanding about lack of control to some extent.

skin wrote:sorry, i feel really embarrassed about this post. also can't stop these massive waves of anger.

Never feel sorry for venting here, this is a pretty safe way to do it skin.

*TRIGGERWARNING*
39 years skin, 39 years I vented my anger in hopeless helpless ways. Destructive physically, spiritually and emotionally.
*END*

I think you'd be surprised by the amount of people here that completely understand what you're saying right now.

Applause for getting these feelings out skin, keep those posts coming!

Looking for a therapist. GF got scared about them preventing my transition cause she knows how that would affect me. I need to see someone. Today we went to pick up the kid from school and when we got there I had a panic dissociation episode and couldn't stand up for half an hour, I don't remember it properly but we had to get a taxi home and then i was in bed for some time though i don't know if i was awake or slept.

Someone is holding on to all the anger, I think it's Seth, though when he comes through it's all stale and he's so bitter. He really doesn't like me talking about him, like i want to say that he wrote some of that first post but i can't say it directly...

I found a safe house in here. I say found because it feels like it was always there. It's really homely and warm and there's this really nice lady there who i think might be an admin from what i gather through things I've read. She seems to know who is who and keeps everything organised in this house and she's kind and looks after anyone in there. I found the house the other night when i wasn't doing great and needed to go away somewhere safe and it was dark and cold and empty, then this house appeared and i went to it. She was in there and there was a little there. Then i got surprised cause Seth showed up and he had all his attitude on but it was like he had known her for ages and had no ability to affect anything negative there. Like she and he had some kind of tolerant respect for each other even if they didn't like each other, it was weird.

Don't really understand this stuff or know if I'm supposed to be talking about it but i need to cause i feel like I'm going to explode and i think my name is Billy and I'm 17 but i feel stupid saying that.

skin wrote:Looking for a therapist. GF got scared about them preventing my transition cause she knows how that would affect me. I need to see someone. Today we went to pick up the kid from school and when we got there I had a panic dissociation episode and couldn't stand up for half an hour, I don't remember it properly but we had to get a taxi home and then i was in bed for some time though i don't know if i was awake or slept.

Someone is holding on to all the anger, I think it's Seth, though when he comes through it's all stale and he's so bitter. He really doesn't like me talking about him, like i want to say that he wrote some of that first post but i can't say it directly...

I found a safe house in here. I say found because it feels like it was always there. It's really homely and warm and there's this really nice lady there who i think might be an admin from what i gather through things I've read. She seems to know who is who and keeps everything organised in this house and she's kind and looks after anyone in there. I found the house the other night when i wasn't doing great and needed to go away somewhere safe and it was dark and cold and empty, then this house appeared and i went to it. She was in there and there was a little there. Then i got surprised cause Seth showed up and he had all his attitude on but it was like he had known her for ages and had no ability to affect anything negative there. Like she and he had some kind of tolerant respect for each other even if they didn't like each other, it was weird.

Don't really understand this stuff or know if I'm supposed to be talking about it but i need to cause i feel like I'm going to explode and i think my name is Billy and I'm 17 but i feel stupid saying that.

I know you're confused right now, and believe me, that's pretty normal for where you are in this. But reading your posts skin, shows me that you're really trying to figure it out in whatever ways you can. You're listening to what's happening inside, taking notes and getting it out. This was where I had a tough time at first, reality and fantasy tend to collide a lot here. Know that you're doing a great job and keep coming here and asking your questions and throwing out your thoughts, I look at it as the pre-requisite work for the future therapy you may seek.

And talking is never something to feel bad about, talking is the most powerful weapon against DID!

Had some core thing come out, massive huge powerful was shaking it was all adrenaline, he is maybe Seth though bigger and wilder, believes self is the core of all things and we are all thinner masks though it was vicious and dangerous and felt like channelling some kind of god. Maybe Seth on a power trip, lol. He wrote something but it was pretty mental, probably too triggery for others to read, some divine word vomit, disparaging crazy ego-mad stuff :\

skin wrote:Had some core thing come out, massive huge powerful was shaking it was all adrenaline, he is maybe Seth though bigger and wilder, believes self is the core of all things and we are all thinner masks though it was vicious and dangerous and felt like channelling some kind of god. Maybe Seth on a power trip, lol. He wrote something but it was pretty mental, probably too triggery for others to read, some divine word vomit, disparaging crazy ego-mad stuff :\

Gotta admit, I'm curious to see what he wrote

errr TRIGGERS some sexual content and general nonsensical mental BS :\

//////////

limpid empty edifice transdermal crap slumped oily sewage rat synaptic pretension too f//king clever inimitable vespid vacuous vermicular vermin everything everything transcendental relapse theological thermals fire and sand and spit and sweat and stone and blood and cinder trash tripping freedom eyes sclera rolled back conjunctivitis gingivitis bad breath plaque swollen-tongue deep-throat finger-f//k groan think swamped down deep between metaphoric canyons tap tap tap hello h it's a pathetic jack
-- he's locked up cold through all those impacted strands of fat come on this veneer is only a veil and everything beneath it presses wet against the membrane this meniscus of grease it's soap and wax and swilling down rivers of skin can't you fall in dirty love again? so it grinds let it f//king grate be insane be stupid be scattered pages of emotion carousel mad reeling be cliches be repeated endless episodes of ridiculous trash go on go on I know there's more underneath I know this is only a rind why don't you rip it off why don't you want to puke out every piece of dirty seth seth come on be nasty black ugly
I can't cope
so do something about it, this veil is not ours it doesn't not belong I am clear and open and connected I am every moment every child every man woman animal I am the storyteller sunk up under every F//K I want to f//king destroy you sick worm simple skinned creature single celled bastard I puked you up at the beginning of this maggot story when you were just an eggshell you were just a wrinkled bit of red you were just a river thought baby I rode it up and out now look oh look swallow big fat words work out every loquacious linguistic latitude like being able to say long words means anything special I am old I am so old I am rock womb magma wet and you are just a finger scab you are a borrowed face worn slack on the contours of my scaffolding god god you have smeared yourself against me and made every mistake baby child fury I'm rage-sick and I like it I like the sound of brick on brick breaking down until we are just me and shivering empty nothing furious angelmad idiot halfgods spinning in the quiet sound of our decay

(trigger warning, violence / ramble)

.... i hear you..... sh*t... thanks from us all .... the ones in the cracks and edges corners and hidden spaces that nobody sees... yeah there is lots of yelling screaming crazy sh*t.. why i do not know... havoc in here... who is... is not... the seed... why does it matter... we are thought vomit grime blood bone... no other... i understand why people kill who hear voices like these... but, no... can not... those who would overruled by those who would not... visions of knives blood stone slicing spurting screaming until the last scream races away upon the last blood cell and there is peace ..... rage against the human sheep...... all the visions could drive a person insane but not this person... or you... you make sense...... funny it is... or might be... oh well... ok... good night... perhaps you would write more...