New here... kind of

I'm new here as in I've just made an account. I've come across this forum in the past though and have read through a bit (but still not very much). I don't have an official diagnosis, I have been to see about 5 therapists and none of them have been able to understand or help. Some said I was too 'complex' for them. I am still unsure if I have DID because of a few things, which I will mention, but many many things make sense.

I am 18 and I have a few alters I know by name. I haven't even counted how many I know but they all have different things that I can distinguish them by such as attitude, traits, style, tastes in things, views on things etc. I also have some memory loss of things I've said or done in the previous days or even hours. I think there were other things too I wanted to mention but I find it hard to organise my thoughts sometimes. The things which make me question whether I have DID are firstly, the alters didn't all have names, I had to choose them to make things simpler. Although, one of them refused to accept any name I gave her apart from one my SO came up with. Another is I am aware of the different alters and have some idea of how each of them feel from memory, although it is a bit foggy. And another is I don't really have sudden switches, it normally takes a few minutes or longer.

Anyway this is turning into a giant post so I think I'll stop for now. I hope joining here will help me manage this if it's DID or not.

Hi and welcome here

Both of your doubts are things that are completely normal in DID. Lots of systems don't have different names for alters and end up finding names when they figure out they have DID and need names to differentiate one from the other. Switching can take everything from seconds to hours. For us it depends on the kind of need that is there and who switches. It's completely normal for the switches to take a couple of minutes

If you're able to you might be interested in finding someone who works with dissociation and trauma and have them administer the SCID-D which is one of the best ways to diagnose DID and other dissociative disorders

Hi Cage, I am also new here. I am a bit older, but have a DX of DID. I have worked with my T and the alters as I have gotten to know them and figured out names together. Sometimes the alters had names they liked and One asked T to help pick out a name. Every alter is different.

You are more aware of switches than I seem to be, and I have worked at this for awhile. I just wanted to say welcome.

Hi Cage,

I agree, believe it or not you seem to have a good grasp on things, and that's really positive. I'm a year into my diagnosis and I still go through phases of doubt, it's pretty common. Welcome to the board, there are some great people here and a lot of really sound advice, don't be afraid to share, you're helping others too!

Thanks for the welcoming messages its good to know that what I experience is quite normal with DID then. And about the diagnosis, I don't think I'd want one. I'm scared of just being put on medication and it being added to my records. Also I find it really hard to talk about it to anyone in person. The only person who knows is my SO. And they have quite a few issues with it as it is. I think the trauma it could have come from was when I was 9 or 10 where I have a whole year missing from my memory. I feel like the problems have got worse over the years and I have more alters, is this possible or are they all created at once?

CageOfSouls wrote:Thanks for the welcoming messages its good to know that what I experience is quite normal with DID then. And about the diagnosis, I don't think I'd want one. I'm scared of just being put on medication and it being added to my records. Also I find it really hard to talk about it to anyone in person. The only person who knows is my SO. And they have quite a few issues with it as it is. I think the trauma it could have come from was when I was 9 or 10 where I have a whole year missing from my memory. I feel like the problems have got worse over the years and I have more alters, is this possible or are they all created at once?

I'll try to hit some points:

*trigger warning*
-I am positive diagnosed and I use NO medication for it. I am a medical marijuana user, but that isn't for everyone. As far as pharmaceuticals, myself and everyone on my support team agree; pills are bad. (again, I can't speak for all DID, I'm sure there are people here who have found good meds, not me).
*end*

-When you're first figuring things out talking is difficult yes. You will find, I suspect, as you progress, and especially if you get diagnosed, that talking becomes necessary. If we don't talk, we can't deal with our hurt.

-The length of the trauma has a lot to do with Alter development. I have Alters that developed over different time periods as I dealt with trauma. Not dealing with my early trauma allowed the new stuff to pile up and pile up. The deeper the pile, the more the trauma, the more to deal with (see where talking becomes something of a necessity?)

Hope some of this helps, I'm no expert...I'm just knee deep in the s*@t!

Thanks for the info moks. PS you might need to add a TW for the drugs part, I think I saw that in the rules somewhere. I personally found using that made me dissociate more. I haven't used it regularly for years but that's to do with my mum catching me.

I just don't feel I want a diagnosis at the moment, I think I'd like to try helping myself first. I've had bad experiences with Ts before, ***trigger warning - abuse, sexual*** I told her about my abusive relationship with a SO and she tried to force me to believe I stayed with him because it was a fetish and I liked being hit and abused, including sexually, which I knew wasn't true ***trigger over*** and was just stuck on a load of pills which didn't do anything apart from make me physically ill.

Another thing which I want to ask is do members make a thread to keep most of their general updates, questions and posts?

CageOfSouls wrote:Thanks for the info moks. PS you might need to add a TW for the drugs part, I think I saw that in the rules somewhere. I personally found using that made me dissociate more. I haven't used it regularly for years but that's to do with my mum catching me.

I just don't feel I want a diagnosis at the moment, I think I'd like to try helping myself first. I've had bad experiences with Ts before, ***trigger warning - abuse, sexual*** I told her about my abusive relationship with a SO and she tried to force me to believe I stayed with him because it was a fetish and I liked being hit and abused, including sexually, which I knew wasn't true ***trigger over*** and was just stuck on a load of pills which didn't do anything apart from make me physically ill.

Another thing which I want to ask is do members make a thread to keep most of their general updates, questions and posts?

Cripes, you're right about the TW, don't know how I missed that *CALLS FOR AN ADMIN...HELLO?"

What you do here and how you want to do it is totally up to you. You can always start a blog if you'd like and keep track of your progress there. I'm not good with that one as I'm only recently back after a four or so month absence.

Cripes, you're right about the TW, don't know how I missed that *CALLS FOR AN ADMIN...HELLO?"

I added a trigger warning

Another thing which I want to ask is do members make a thread to keep most of their general updates, questions and posts?

We have the journal option in the journal section of the site. We also have a blog function you can use. Some prefer to have their own thread, for instance named "CageOfSoul's Thread" where you would update and ask questions. The personal thread's aren't all that common in DID because a lot of people don't read the longer threads and you usually get more replies by asking new questions in new threads (or searching for older threads that share your topic). It's completely up to you though. I for instance had a long thread where I updated everything and asked questions surrounding an integration we had. So it's up to you, is what I'm saying

I'm scared of just being put on medication and it being added to my records.

This is a very common fear. Especially paired with the risk of misdiagnosis. Just to have it out there, there is no medication for DID. You can be medicated for other symptoms or disorders like depression or anxiety, but DID cannot be fixed through medication and those who are well-read in it will know that I'm diagnosed and unmedicated.

I think the trauma it could have come from was when I was 9 or 10 where I have a whole year missing from my memory. I feel like the problems have got worse over the years and I have more alters, is this possible or are they all created at once?

*trigger warning*
I have explained the theory of splitting here. There are several theories and they are only that: theories. Those theories come with a trigger warning in part because all systems are different and no one here can tell you how your system works Current theory says that DID is created before the age of around 5-7. Alters are created when there is a need, not all at once and over the years your problem may have worsened due to an increase in alters or an increase in the need for a non-dissociative life. I find my dissociation to be worse now that I need to be a fully functional and complete person, while the dissociation itself was far worse growing up, but it was still needed.
*end*

I'm very to sorry to hear about your experiences with the therapist. I hope when you're ready that you find someone who is more knowledgeable.

Thinking of you.

Thanks for the information