someone new *trigger warning* grief

*TW for graphic description of dead things*

new part came out although he is one of the oldest parts i think, he is holding memories from very far back. i say he but he is calling himself 'it'. he is scribbly and thinks he is scary but i think he is in a lot of pain. was an unpleasant encounter, perception was very disjointed and angular and posture was really weird, he's all curled up and twisted and his hands are like birds feet, the way they are clawed into themselves, and his voice sounds like something between a cough and a retch. didn't properly talk because i didn't want to let him because i didn't want to make that noise in front of the GF, though there were some uncontrollable coughing noises, it was weird and gross ): every time his voice came up to my throat it felt like i was going to throw up. he was saying his name is grief but i didn't want to call him grief and said so, then we decided on crow. then i had him shouting-coughing in my head 'it is crow it is ugly' over and over.

he brought me back to unpleasant dead things in my childhood. had a pet mouse which was decapitated by the cat; it was pulled through the cage bars and i woke up to a torn in half mouse with entrails hanging from the head and blood on a bag below. at the time i thought i went back to sleep and then got upset after i woke up again and only its head was left and there was no blood on the bag and i couldn't figure out why that happened, but this new part replayed it and i believe he took over at that point. i remember being upset for a very short while and then not feeling anything about it; similarly, a time before the mouse incident, when we found my pet rabbit dead at the bottom of the garden i remember seeing it and then i don't remember anything about the other details like burying it. there are some other morbid things he showed me as well, like digging up the rabbit's corpse and keeping a dead mouse in a jar, and finding a dead duckling and keeping that for a while in my room. i have memories of these things but had completely forgotten until now and don't really understand the action behind it. i remember wanting the duckling to come back to life.

he then flipped quite rapidly through a lot of major grief-trauma from early childhood onwards and i'm aware that i have never grieved anything at all. i do not know how, the pain is removed. i believe he has experienced it all for me. i don't know how to proceed from here, i'm somewhat nervous of doing something wrong and making him retreat, or becoming overwhelmed by any shared grief. bit scared of posting this because i think it all sounds so unpleasant...

I'm sorry.
Maybe try to ask it to take it easy on the unpleasantness. That you want to get to know Crow and hear all about it and help it, but in smaller pieces and at appropriate times. Like you I never grieved much either. It gets taken away too.

Gone for coffee with GF and was in right place to talk about this and other alter stuff which rarely happens and people sat down at our table, invited themselves ): she knows them but they just sat down without asking, feel like i am being antisocial but i am really frustrated.