Retirement *trigger*

TheCollective wrote:Well I think rapid switching is a (for us very common) way to deal with pain or stress. We do it all the time, basically daily, we don't have a host who is in control most of the time. We grew up rapid switching due to a ahum, very dynamic situation, and it just kinda stayed that way.
But I don't think it's necessarily grieving. If anything I think the constantly switching back to non emotional states interrupts this grieving that the younger ones are doing. But if we would (be able to) let them we wouldn't do anything but cry.
There's 5 younger ones, <2- to 12- YO's and one adult who are heartbroken and/or re-traumatized about this, and 5 protectors who are really angry/disappointed/mean/hopeless. We're now supposed to start all over with this new t if we even like them, even though it took nearly 2 years to achieve the smallest bit of progress/safety/trust with our current t.
Other than this, I received undeniable knowledge of our official diagnosis finally which is still difficult for some- even though others in our system initially self-diagnosed. My mom keeps wanting to restore contact with me. My dad keeps being angry with me for not doing so and is abandoning me again because of this. I have a disability re-assessment coming up in 2 days, and recently lost another valued person in my life. So we're doing great. Today is a good day, we didn't wake up crying, haven't cried since, and I may even actually be up to some of our tasks today.. I keep feeling them inside, pushing the pain, hearing them cry, but honestly I don't know what to do about it. I'm not going to lie and say it will be alright cause I don't know that it will. If it were up to me I didn't have DID and I wouldn't be in therapy, and I sure as heck wouldn't be going back anymore now. But I lost the vote, we're going back..
And I guess I know I need it, cause damn I can't even imagine how we used to be able to do all the stuff we did before the DID hell broke loose. There was a time we cleaned 2 complete houses in one day. I can't even do my own house in a full week now. We're a mess.

Thanks for listening.
J&E

I would LOVE to type something inspiring that will help you, alas, today is not one of my 'wax poetic' days.

i will say only this....you are NOT alone.

(i giggled a little at the cleaning house comment, I'm on the second week of some trigger work and the house has suffered a bit...the system complains that it's messy and then refuses to do anything about it cuz 'we're triggered'...oh DID, coy little thing!)

I'll be seeing her 2 more times, and I still don't even know who the new t is going to be. I'm preparing to get through the coming year without a t cause knowing me, it will take me at least a year before I get used to the new one enough for them to be helpful. I don't know how I'm going to get through saying goodbye, as I will probably meet the new t in the same appointment. I can already see myself sitting there with both of them, all awkward and sad, head full of crying children and all the things we should have said, sigh it's gonna be bad. I'm already angry at the new t for not being my cool sweet t and I'm already running away from both of them. I don't know how I'll get home after this, with public transport during rush hour..
I thought about buying her a present but I don't know if that's even allowed. Do you think it is? I saw some really good ones but I don't know if I should actually buy her one cause I don't want to be hurt if she wont take it. I also don't want to hurt her by choosing the wrong present or not buying one at all. IDK what to do. Is it usual to buy good t's a present when they leave? Could I ask for a picture of her? I forget what she looks like during the week already. I don't want to forget about her at all, she already feels so far away when I'm right beside her. #######5 $#%^. The worst part is that everyone just ups and leaves. It's the ffing story of my life. Again after 2 years. It really triggered the alter that was abandoned by mom at age 2 and we cry and cry and cry like a toddler and the pain in the heart, the feeling of sickness, exactly the same as back then. But all of us are sad and lots of us cry, not just him. Sigh. Wish I could disappear for 2 weeks and get it over with. Wish I could stop time in her office, for real not like I do in my head. I thought we were finally safe with her and at the moment I start thinking it she leaves.
I honestly don't know how to deal with this. I could shut her out of my mind easily but that won't help me and it would mean that I'd definitely forget all about the entire 2 years so somehow I'll have to find another way to deal with this. I can't take all the sadness and all of the noise and it just breaks my heart to have the children hurt like this. The ones that were kept away from the mom abandoning us, why did we keep them inside so long, only to be abandoned now after all? They shouldn't be hurt like this at all. I don't think we should open up to the new t at all cause (s)he's probably going to leave too. I have nobody now once again. I'm only just starting to realize how alone I've been all my life and still am. I wish I could stop pushing people away when they want to be there for me.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now.

I thought about buying her a present but I don't know if that's even allowed. Do you think it is?

Some accept them and some don't as far as I've found.

Could I ask for a picture of her?

I think asking is okay personally. I think it depends on the T whether they say yes or no.

Thinking of you.

I failed.
Failed to say happy birthday.
Failed to find a present for her.
Failed to say thank you.
Failed to ask for a picture which one of us really wanted.
I even went there today, got a letter from the new one, making appointment with me. I thought it was today, but even though the date is printed in big black letters, and the letter has been standing right in front of me for an entire week, I DIDN'T NOTICE that the appointment wont be until December. I swear I read it often cause it's not even the first time that I mess up the dates of appointments in this exact same way. Went all the way there with a brick in my throat, to fail and be alone. SO said it's my own fault, I should read better. I did and I really don't get how this can even happen
The only reason for 'making this disappear from my mind' I can imagine is that it's just so very wrong to make me wait for an entire month. But that's still not a reason for 'my subconscious' or whatever to make me go all the way over there for nothing. I don't get it.