i got high // channelling seth

**trigger warning for various things including drug use**

have had ongoing massive impulse control issues.... i've struggled with addiction on and off since my teens. got out of a speed addiction when i was 19, didn't touch anything again til i was 26, then had a year of monthly coke/alcohol binges. at the end of that one i had started back on speed before i realised i was back in addiction, which was earlier this year. since then i've had one or two coke sessions but i've continally maintained that i don't feel like i am in control of my choices. i don't want to get high, then some impulse takes over and it's like the best idea in the world. spending 400 quid over a weekend seems perfectly acceptable when a few days ago i might have fretted over spending 20 on something i actually need.

i was pretty damn adamant about staying clean this time. the last few times i have had a coke binge i've ended it with serious paranoia and the recovery has been increasingly rough. i don't like the way my head feels after; i am tired of it. i really didn't think i would. i don't remember what made me decide to get high this time. i can't really recall the runup to the weekend. i just feel tired and disappointed right now. i guess i can't feel much of anything most of the time, and briefly i get to feel completely in control and present...

at some point i was rummaging in the computer desk drawer and found this letter thing that i have no memory of writing. my first interactions with autonomous entities or other states was when i was a teenager and had the psychotic break or whatever it was, and i would trance channel or automatic write messages from what i assumed were higher spirits. occasionally they would take over my body and talk through me although it was usually the writing. it was mostly very spiritual, talking about the state of humanity and their evolution and information encoded in DNA. i pretty much had no idea what was going on; it was very confusing.

there was this one entity that was very different from the others, who called himself seth. at first he had no name, he just came through in this bit of automatic writing with a completely different feel to it. the other channels had been very loving and positive but his was dark and scornful and kinda bombastic. the next time he came through i knew his name immediately but that whole situation was weird... i was with a couple of friends and i just started to channel randomly without any control of it. i was telling them stuff about themselves that they hadn't told anyone before, discussing really personal stuff like about latent fears of being gay, and the other's feelings towards his child and his guilt. then this seth feeling came through and it was super overwhelming, like someone had smacked me across the face. for some reason i felt him come into the kitchen through the window, then he moved over and mentally shoved me backwards and just started laying into these guys, lecturing them about behaviours and perception and generally being a smartass. everything he said was scathing but it was concise and absolutely true without equivocation. after that though he started playing mind games with them and trying to scare them, and i felt completely out of control, like i had no control of who was coming forward to speak... it got pretty mental. we eventually left the flat cause we were all getting really unsettled.

at that time i still believed it was spiritual entities... it was only in the last seven or so years that i started to wonder about a dissociative disorder and really examine my behaviours since childhood. i can compartmentalise a lot of states since i was young, and especially since i don't feel like the original personality, a lot has stuck out since then. i used different names as a teenger but never really thought about it until recently... though this weekend i went through some old boxes and found cards made out to 'yethen' which is a name i know i went by for a bit, but i didn't remember getting cards to her, and i don't have any idea who has signed them; they are names i don't recognise.

i also looked at some of the channels that i had written. the more postive stuff still relates to the universe and humanity at large in a loving positive fashion, but the stuff from seth, if i read it from a DID perspective comes across in a metaphorical and overblown but very much from a personal protector point of view. seth has stuck with me and was one of the reasons i started to look into dissociative disorders. can alters have delusions of grandeur? i think he believes or believed he was a god, namely the egyptian god of storms and chaos, hence the name. i also found this weekend a letter in my computer desk drawer that sounds very much like something he would write, although i have absolutely no memory of writing it, super overblown divine avenger stuff... pretty much him all over. i also often feel like he is the one that exerts most control over me. i felt like he got pretty upset when i started really thinking i might have DID since there was a lot of erratic, aggressive behaviour towards me, and he has felt pretty deflated for a while, which makes me feel like because i no longer really feed into this idea that he actually -is- Set, his ego is bruised.

but despite his behaviours i actually feel kind of fond of him and i don't want him to submerge. i like the confidence boost i get when he feels more forwards.

well, this thread was only supposed to be about getting high... thanks for reading/responding.

i don't know what's going on anymore ): things got really out of hand yesterday, especially after posting this. said something to the GF about being unsure about who decided to get high, she reacted negatively and after that I don't really know what happened, I know there was a lot of indignation but I don't remember why. She took the dog and told us to go home, when she got back she was snappy and then I don't remember what happened but I know there was a massive argument, and it wasn't me. I don't know why I feel embarrased about saying it might be Seth... I feel like I'm not allowed to say it, I don't think he will let me go into details. I know the GF started addressing him directly and he was really surprised... his scorn and aggression became something else. I am not allowed to talk about it. I have felt compelled to say and do things and I have been aware of being controlled but this was a lot more forceful. He doesn't like being talked about or disempowered I guess is the right word even if conceptually.

There is a lot I want to go into about yesterday but I feel like I am being blocked and there is stuff I don't remember. I feel really embarrassed about all of this for some reason.

skin wrote: i think he believes or believed he was a god, namely the egyptian god of storms and chaos, hence the name.

Many people on this forum. Have alters that believe they are and or were Gods, Goddesses Angels and Demons.
I myself have a Lucalsipher. The name of a character from a book I read and Lucifer.

He says to me he chose that name because I loved the character from the book as a child so it doesn't spark fear when I see him in the internal. And Lucifer because to me it represents the positives of masculine power.

He believes he has created galaxy's for inhabitants lost and needing a place to live and prosper. And has done the same created my internal worlds for the inhabitants.

i was going to talk more about him but i keep getting blocked.

Sorry if I caused any offence.

i get the impression he just doesn't like being talked about as an alter because it doesn't match his ego... i wasn't offended.