What was it like before awareness?

I'm curious as to what it felt like before you knew you had DID/DDNOS. Have you known about your alters or heard their voices from a very young age? Did the host become aware at a young age? What did dissociation feel like when it first began?

Ah, so many questions, I know. It's just that I am so terribly confused about what has been happening with me recently. I've always thought I might be slightly cyclothymic, but its never been disturbing enough to concern me and half the time I just attributed it to growing up in an eccentric household.

***trigger warning EDNOS and self-injury***
I've struggled on and off with an eating disorder for about four years, and last year it kicked into overdrive. I started self-harming to punish and minimize emotions, and was just generally in a bubble of self-hatred.
***end trigger***

Roughly a month ago I started listening to a recorded hypnosis/meditation by Paul McKenna. I'd been told by a psychologist friend that though the program was designed to help people lose weight, it was very good and improving self-esteem and getting rid of compulsions around food. I really enjoyed it, and felt so much happier and in control. I couldn't even understand what the issue had been before!

But now I'm wondering if that could have triggered something? I've felt more emotionally out-of-control than usual, and for the past week I've been in and out of something that might be dissociation.

So I'm really asking for some information about what it feels like to be dissociative and whether or not I should speak with a therapist about this, or if it is just a weird week! I'm seventeen, which seems way too late to encounter these symptoms, and I have no memory of any sort of childhood trauma, though I don't have many memories from early childhood at all. I keep coming up with memories that might indicate DID/DDNOS, then discounting them as being melodramatic.

Sorry for the rant, and thanks to any and all who reply.

*Trigger Warning*

I don't have advise/feedback right now, but I can answer your questions..

Have you known about your alters or heard their voices from a very young age?

I remember one of the littles writing 'help me' in the fog of the shower door when Sonja was fronting (10-13), but Sonja erased it quickly.

The voices became very strong and persistent when the body was 13 (niva emerged and attacked everybody else relentlessly; a lot of 'self'-hatred). That was when we were put in T and asked questions to see if we suffered from psychosis (because the dissociation, in various forms, was very consuming/debilitating).

Did the host become aware at a young age?

We don't know how to answer this one. Everybody who fronted was unaware that they were an alter of N. N wasn't around for most of her life; she was a voice in the background.

What did dissociation feel like when it first began?

Very scary. (When Sonja was fronting though there was a lot of unawareness, no feelings). The littles would have dissociative flashbacks (i.e. no awareness whatsoever of the 'here and now'; complete reliving); when they returned the present they would still be paralyzed or mute and niva would be freaking out at them; they would be so scared and helpless and powerless and overwhelmed, still having body memories/emotional flashbacks/etc. We would feel like we were on drugs, that everything was unreal (derealization), that we were not real (depersonalization); we would not know the person in the mirror; niva wanted us dead and we saw no other way out. Niva would harm the body to try to ground ourselves, to punish us, to make us feel, to make us less overwhelmed...

We relate to disordered eating, The body is lucky to have survived the AN we used to have.

We have to go; maybe will write more later..

Oh, I understand the second one now. I became aware we were a multiple later in life, when I was able to front, when the body was... 25? Am now 27.

Also, DBT is a great therapy for learning how to regulate emotions. It helped all of us. Though I had a hard time getting DBT because we don't have BPD (though niva probably does?)

Thanks for the reply and the tip about DBT! (I think I'll ask my therapist about it. I can identify with a lot of the symptoms of BPD, though it never seems to fit as a whole.)

Today has been incredibly surreal...my thoughts have been foggy, and my emotions either feel "above" me or way down at the bottom of a well. As if I'm either expressing the emotion before I feel it or barely feeling it at all.

I spent half the day painting with Q-tips and acrylic paint at school (it was a fun pseudo-lesson about pointillisme) and I kept grinning like a lunatic before feeling extremely happy. I've done that before with anger (feeling the urge to punch something before i registered that I was frustrated), but it usually only lasts a minute and feels normal. This silliness was very noticeable, but I don't know if I can trust what I've been feeling today or if I was imagining it because of what I've been reading around this forum.

What you said about feeling drugged resonates, and is a little unnerving because it made me realize I've felt that way many times before. Like I've overdosed on Benadryl.

***trigger (?) just to be safe***
In fact I think thats part of what triggered my binging, because when I said "okay, i'm going to stop fighting, I want to eat food X" I'd feel a rush of hypersensitivity and anxiety until I found the food I wanted, and that would push away the daze.
***end TW***

Is it possible to have DID without time loss? Aside from the sort that comes from getting lost inside a book or game, I've never lost chunks of my day. My memory is abysmal for whats going on around me, and I think I fabricate memories of things that never happened, but I can't think of a time when I had no memory whatsoever. Even if I can't really remember what exactly I did for the past half-hour, I can remember what I was thinking or daydreaming while I did it.
The issue with this is that I never really know if I've done everything that was asked of me around the house or if I've only thought about doing it. Its sort of like being trapped by an imaginary scene, unable to focus on anything but the daydream for a while. Anyone ever had this?

***trigger: drug abuse/eating disorder*** I can relate to your posts as well. I alternate between rationing food and heavily self-medicating with diphenhydramine for the past several years***end trigger***

The funny thing I've learned about amnesia is that, like the system, it functions covertly until someone on the outside points out the inconsistencies. It's a bit of a catch-22: you can't recognize it's gone because you can't remember it ever being there. I think it's possible that when there are less overt dissociative borders, bad memory recall occurs as more of a 'fog' than a 'black hole.' You have a decent general grasp of what's happened but when questioned on the details there's...nothing. The 'memory' is mostly a facade put up to keep you from questioning yourself - like the backdrop in a play, it presents a setting that you can't actually enter...though that may also be caused by an underdeveloped short-term memory (ie, the memories never had a chance to form in the first place so there's nothing to recall).

Personally, I had a couple switches before awareness. There was a class in college that, once I stepped through the door, I struggled to recall a single thing we'd done that day (I also - apparently - made a good friend there and had my first serious 'Who is this person??' moment after bumping into them on campus). I've felt ruled by invisible forces, and thresholds are a trigger that would sometimes cause me to freeze in place because leaving certain rooms (like the therapist's office) symbolized changing and alters didn't want to relinquish control. A switching voice can feel like putting on a Darth Vader mask that distorts your vocals without you trying. I noticed when other people get angry, they may say things they wouldn't normally but it never seems like it's coming from somebody else, not entirely (This is X, X is angry). When for me if someone upfront is angry, they don't sound like me when I'm upset at all (This is X, Y is angry).

If the hypnosis recordings make you feel more stable and in-control, then you should def. keep doing them! It might also be important to question your past distress even when it's no longer present, because if you felt that way once there was probably a reason for it

Regardless, if something is causing you distress then treatment and potential diagnosis are definitely options you can pursue (though if you do it's important to find a therapist who's willing to seriously evaluate your concerns. psychologists reserving judgement is fine- as long as it isn't being used to completely invalidate your input.)

dogmonster wrote:The funny thing I've learned about amnesia is that, like the system, it functions covertly until someone on the outside points out the inconsistencies. It's a bit of a catch-22: you can't recognize it's gone because you can't remember it ever being there. I think it's possible that when there are less overt dissociative borders, bad memory recall occurs as more of a 'fog' than a 'black hole.' You have a decent general grasp of what's happened but when questioned on the details there's...nothing.

So true. I have factual knowledge of most anything I do but beyond that.. all too often.. nada.

I remember "floating above the body" when I was just around three years old and at the time I thought it was a fantastic skill. I didn't know other people felt the floor under their feet while walking, meanwhile I floated a few centimeters above ground.

It's only when I was 12 or 13 that I was caught in animated conversation with myself and was advised to hide my crazy lest I end up in the closed ward.
I think even if we heard the others in our head occasionally really we all thought we were alone back then. Not that any of us felt particularly human. We knew we were different I think. That something was "other" about us.

By the time the body turned 16 the "voices" got ridiculously loud, demanding, insistent and plain rude. A running commentary on our life added to the din in our head. While the T decided all of this was part of clinical depression, she also suggested that the key for "me" was to make my head a friendlier place.
For about a couple of years life got pretty choppy. Tuesday followed Thursday and such, but somehow it didn't look like I was really losing time. I felt like the whole concept of time was disintegrating around me.
Eventually we stabilised I guess and life carried on with the days flowing from one to the next in the usual way. (Or at least seemingly so.)
Over the years that followed I stopped swearing at the voices in my head and started to answer back in a calmer, more constructive manner. And in turn they got friendlier too.
After that I'd forget all about dissociation for years at a time, then remember there was something there, something relating to me, then forget again.
Well, we got there in the end.

dogmonster wrote: The funny thing I've learned about amnesia is that, like the system, it functions covertly until someone on the outside points out the inconsistencies. It's a bit of a catch-22: you can't recognize it's gone because you can't remember it ever being there. I think it's possible that when there are less overt dissociative borders, bad memory recall occurs as more of a 'fog' than a 'black hole.' You have a decent general grasp of what's happened but when questioned on the details there's...nothing. The 'memory' is mostly a facade put up to keep you from questioning yourself - like the backdrop in a play, it presents a setting that you can't actually enter.

Uh oh. I have this. Today, actually...had absolutely no memory of receiving a homework assignment, despite the fact I'd underlined something on the packet and put it in my bag. It took a moment of staring to remember reading the assignment, but I couldn't "enter" the memory and remember the lesson that went with it. Whoops. Rather scary.

Teatime wrote: I remember "floating above the body" when I was just around three years old and at the time I thought it was a fantastic skill. I didn't know other people felt the floor under their feet while walking, meanwhile I floated a few centimeters above ground.

I used to have nightmares of floating and expanding outwards from my body, then being squeezed back into a small space. Floating was far more fun

dogmonster wrote: it's important to find a therapist who's willing to seriously evaluate your concerns. psychologists reserving judgement is fine- as long as it isn't being used to completely invalidate your input.

Do you have any tips about how to go about that? Its been difficult for me to talk to a professional, because of my age. I'm working on getting a job (college application is taking up loads of energy now though), but until I'm earning steadily I have to rely on my parents for money, and its difficult to get my mother to take me seriously. She's an extremely strong person who has been through a lot of very difficult stuff, and because of this her initial response to things (such as my ED) tends to be "well, I went through X, and then had to deal with Y by myself. You never went through X, so are you sure you could be suffering from Y? Do you think I'm like grandma, that I abuse you or something?" Urg. She just doesn't understand the way such things sound.

Anyway, all anecdotes aside,I just have no idea where to start looking for therapists or other mental health professionals.
Thanks to everyone for replying, too–-it helps to talk about everything. I appreciate it.

It was scary we did try to talk to him for about a year before he knew what was going on. Amy was the first one he said hi to I think it was because she is just a little kid. He thought for a very long time that he was just going crazy but as we got talking he started to understand more about us and started to became friends. He was 12 years old when we started talking and it was very scary for all of us. I still act like him like he did when I'm with his family but for us being alters we wourd have ketp hiden for a lot longer. I think that it is always a good idea to talk to esleother and get to know esleother. He is no longer host abou two weeks atfer we started talking Anastasia became the new host. ~Sam

I didn't really realize about the possibility of DID- or, maybe I did, but was in denial- til this past year.

As a kid, I definitely would dissociate a lot, and didn't remember lots of what I did with friends and things. As I got older, I realized a lot of my childhood was blank, and that it wasn't normal for that to happen- my friends would remember stuff we'd done years ago, and I'd have little recollection. Half the stuff I do remember, which isn't a lot, I think has just been fabricated by people's stories of me as a kid and photographs.

In high school, I started to realize there had been more recent times I just didn't remember- well, I usually remembered I was there, but blurrily- like an entire class, yet the information I learned would be retained, at least when I went back to the class. I just described it as 'autopilot', like I was moving on my own but wasn't there in front.

Once college though, the memory lapses got really bad- or, maybe I just started to notice it more, not sure- and 'autopilot' would happen more often.

I tried to mention it, albeit briefly and vagely, to my psichiatrist- who I got for bipolar- who mentioned maybe it was depersonalization. Knowing a possible word for it, I did research, discovering the whole spectrum of dissociative things, and was amazed how all this stuff I had was explained by them. I didn't admit it could possibly be closer to DID until recently though, when friends told me about some huge incidents I had totally forgotten about, and how sometimes during those I'd act totally different- and I've known since high school that I acted out of character sometimes, during the 'autopilot', yet had no clue it was that bad!

Ah, and I've had 'imaginarty friends' in my head since a kid, that I'd talk to, still talk to; now I suspect that was/is my way of the alters showing themselves. Again, I'm still new at this, but if this is the case, I've definitely been able to talk to some of the alters a little bit in this form, since a child.

*tw*
I also felt this 'autopilot' when my eating disorder became bad/ occassionally when I still purge ocassionally now, as well as when I used to self-injure. Now I also hear someone as well sometimes that tried to tempt me into doing those, which I've actually managed to talk/argue with sometimes- I'm pretty sure that's the alter who was in control during the bad self-injury/ eating disorder times.
*end tw*