Worse than I thought!

Last night, the topic came up about an old mutual friend who none of my friend group gets along with anymore. I was saying I wasn't entirely sure why she rejected me so much, since although we never were good friends, all that happened was we had a couple arguments she made a bigger deal over than necessary. Or so I thought. Turned out, the was another one or two big fights me and her had. My friends were telling me about it, and I had no idea at all that it had happened. There were a few flashes of it that I recalled, but I thought they were parts of the other, lesser arguments, but they really were from that huge one.

Before last night, when they told me about this, I thought the stuff I didn't remember was mostly benign- I knew often if I get angry sometimes I'll black out briefly or another part takes over, but as far as I know most of the blackouts are very short and I see the rest, and they're pretty benign, make up an hour later things. Not this one though, which I had no recall at all of. And it aparently lasted for quite a number of days, at the end of which we just stopped talking; it was my decision too, not just hers, and aparently I was more the antagonist than her!

Then they were telling me that this has happened with other stuff! They've noticed that I forget traumatic events close to immediately after they happen, like that fight- there's been more than just that aparently. I had no clue that I was totally forgetting such recent large things anymore, I thought the only large time gaps and events forgotten were from way back years ago!

This means that this dissociative thing I have is way bigger than initially thought, and that the shifts in personality are more severe than I'd known (I never normally fight like that, let alone be the antagonist). And I do keep a diary, but that wasn't in there, nor the other times- or maybe there were, there seemed to be pieces of pages torn out!

I'm really really really scared now, I was crying for a while last night about it. I can't deal with this!

Can anyone help with this? How can I help prevent things like this happening in the future? Or learn about past times? If I bring it up directly to people, asking if I've done anything like that to or near them, they'll be suspicious and think I'm weirder than they already think I am. I have absolutely no idea what I can do! ;____;

I've felt the way you feel so many times before. Luckily, I've developed a near-constant co-consciousness with my alters, so while they still take control of the body without warning, I usually remember it. And when I don't, the alters, depending on which one, either care enough to tell me what they did to fill in the holes in my memory, or find my ability to make us appear normal valuable enough to inform me. I'm really lucky to have such good communication with them, but I didn't always. I don't know if it's the same with everyone, but it's something I developed as I went along. As the alters became more prominent, they also spoke to me and each other more, and I was able to interact with them in the inside world. When you're able to do that, it gets easier. It sounds like you've never spoken to your alter(s), and if that's the case, then I'd suggest trying to. I always used to talk to myself in my head in hopes that someone would respond and tell me what was going on with the memory lapses, and eventually someone did. Unfortunately, that's also known to give away more of your control of the body and even the mind. So I really don't know what to advise you to do, but I can say that if you just try to wait it out, it will get better, despite how cliche that sounds. Eventually, everything improves. You're not weird, you're not crazy, and there are lots of us out there like you. I don't know what I can say that would help you, but I do want you to know that if you ever want to talk, just message me. I'd love to listen. I hope things improve for you soon.

Hi we work the same way as Paige in a way. It is all to do with communication but we still have ower privit times, so when I am in control my two sisters do not know what I get up to say or go. Then same with them, the only time when we all lession in is when my sister Babs is down with mum & dad but she had the lead from 0-11years with me around as Protector Happy times for me a fight ever other day. Sorry back on track BJ did not come in the pictor untill Body 8 years then she tock lead at 11 as Babs refused to go to school enymore. When BJ in control Bads and I are off in ower inside world having fun togiver like we did when we were Kids. I do not know what they do when I am lead. I know BJ fines it scary the gapes in time when one of us are out but she do's know that one of us was in control, it is a trust thing. I talk to them, Babs talks to me but lives notes for BJ. BJ talks to me and Babs. But this can only happen if we are all round that is only usaly when we are at home alone that we all keep awear of each other. Even if I am not around my sisters if they get scared or angery I become very awear and but in to protect them.

Thanks, guys. I guess trying to talk to them would be the best idea, but I'm still even having trouble just saying 'them', let alone actually admit that 'they' actually may be/probly are separate enough from me to actually talk to. I'm terrified of it, terrified that I'll actually talk to one if I try to! It scares me. I guess I kinda do talk to myself already, as sortof different people, but until now I figured that was just imagined stuff to make it easier to sort out thoughts, although admittedly it's often general conversation not thought-sorting most the time. But to imagine that they're there actually and not just imagined? It's terrifying to me! I thought, too, that when they did take over, I was mostly there- more like a depersonalization thing that happened to make me act differently than usual sometimes, and I'd still have some memories, albeit blurry, from those times. But now that I've realized there's times I have no recollection of, things I did but don't know about... I guess I have to admit that it's actually more like DID than I thought. It's just so frightening for me to realize this, and realizing that this has been going on so severely for years! I'll try my best to try to talk though, it's just so scary... ;__;

Bipolar_Cat wrote: I'm terrified of it, terrified that I'll actually talk to one if I try to! It scares me. I guess I kinda do talk to myself already, as sortof different people, but until now I figured that was just imagined stuff to make it easier to sort out thoughts, although admittedly it's often general conversation not thought-sorting most the time.

It's a scary thing to contemplate, I remember being terrified when I first wondered whether I might have DID. But look ^^, you are already talking to them . Opening up communication a bit more might feel scary at first, but it probably won't be as frightening or 'weird' or unusual as you fear it will. As I started communicating more with other parts, it was kind of like rediscovering old friends sometimes, like, 'Hey, I know you! I remember!' And, as you say, they already exist, this has already been going on for years. You can't make it any worse, all you can do is deepen your understanding of yourself and your experiences by trying to communicate. Good luck!