Rant *trigger denail/therapy/internal conflict/roles*

Yargh.
Heck, I think it is highly unlikely we are DID, but in any case our dissociation sure is maladaptive and we are a System of some form.. whatever label we suit. So Mara's denial is just a liiittle bit upsetting.

After all these years of camouflage we manage to get a therapist and be relatively open about our plurality. We're all close to the front during appointments but for Mara we have to tread on eggshells. The Host/Speaker keeps saying things like "a part of me feels like this" and "a part of me reacts to another aspect of me like that.." which you know, rankles. We have names, why can't she just own up to the fact that we are more than just "the angry Teatime" and the "helper Teatime".. hell, I am not just angry. I am not always angry. Rae is not alway helpful. She makes it sound like she is just compartmentalising Teatime's feelings.
We all have a freaking r-a-n-g-e. You can't just sum us up with a single word.

So last time we got agreement to explain about having names but she couched it us "well, it would make it easier to explain this if I used names for my different states of mind"
*roll eyes*

Mara is just so scared of being thought crazy (or worse: a faker) it is debiliating for all of us. After all it's not like we are telling the T we think we are DD-NOS or thereabouts on the spectrum, and we only slipped on personal pronouns a couple of times so far.. which of course freaked Mara no end.

And the most frustrating part is today she asks the T if she thinks it's counterproductive we all have names.. saying "it was useful to find out all the different interplays in my mind but do you think it has outlived it's usefulness?"
So the T carefully prompts that if Teatime think so that may be the case and..

.. and somebody else damn near cried. We were so damn close to tears and trying to explain how only Mara thinks this way. How we are petrified she will send us all back into camouflage mode and the Host will lose all awareness again.

Argh.
And on the way home from our appointment she starts thinking about how she shouldn't come here anymore either. How she is just taking advantage because this is nothing like what's happening to her, citing her reasonably good memory as a reason.
And what's that even supposed to mean??? She knows Mal loses time, but she just won't fecking listen. And okay, so let's asssume - none of us lose time, what difference does that make? It means we are not a DID System, sure, but what does a classification matter?

This place gave us a vocabulary to explain what we experience. It's the only place where we can speak openly and be understood to boot. It's damn well close enough.
When we rolled in here (at long freaking last..) we made clear right away that we have it easy in here memory wise.

Mara really needs help. Man, sometimes I think we should just hijack the bloody woman and tell the T what we think of her doubts. Let the chips fall where they may.

I get the feeling she has a good grasp of our System anyway, the T that is, not Mara. (But we want to know for sure, because if she discounts it all our sessions are only going to be useful so long. And to find out we need to be o-p-e-n and h-o-n-e-s-t).
Mara wears a freaking blindfold. She is itching to put the blinkers back on.

And now she is editing this post to remove typos. I mean. Seriously?

edit

Teatime wrote:After all these years of camouflage we manage to get a therapist and be relatively open about our plurality.

Good. How long have you been with this T?

Teatime wrote:Mara is just so scared of being thought crazy (or worse: a faker).

We have this too and might it be a trust issue you're having with your T?

Teatime wrote:And on the way home from our appointment she starts thinking about how she shouldn't come here anymore either.......''.........Man, sometimes I think we should just hijack the bloody woman and tell the T what we think of her doubts.

I get the feeling she has a good grasp of our System anyway, the T that is, not Mara. (But we want to know for sure, because if she discounts it all our sessions are only going to be useful so long. And to find out we need to be o-p-e-n and h-o-n-e-s-t).

If your T is indeed a good T, I'm guessing eventually it might happen on its own. I'm still thinking it sounds like you need some time, and to trust the T a bit more. Perhaps you could say that there's some things you like to talk about but are not sure where to start or too scared to start?
Therapy is really hard but once it starts paying off it's really useful. Our T suggested we start an investigation, to find out how far we can go, how much we can tell. Maybe that sounds useful to you too? Have you tried writing things down instead of having to say them out loud? I notice that T's usually do not say "you have DID" or some sort, unless they know that their patient is ready to hear this. So yes not being open might well be a reason for your T to be more subtle. Things like these just do take time and if she's a good T I think eventually those topics will be addressed cause I think if she knows about your system and can even tell how your system works, she is a good T. (of course it might also be true that you only think she sees your system but I can't judge that)
How would Mara react if your T would just confront her with those scary words right now? I think it might make her hide and deny even more. The same might happen if you don't respect her limits.
Eventually you will lose the facade cause you can't always hide this stuff anyway and if she's a good T she will notice that. She probably already has noticed some things. Even Mara should at some point realize that she needs help and that denying the issue wont make it go away anymore, but it just needs time and trust. I hope things will develop in the right direction for you.

Thanks
I'll reread your reply later this evening

Hey, thanks for your answer to the Others. This is Mara.

TheCollective wrote:How long have you been with this T?

We've only been three times so far
I guess it's hard for.. the others.. because they've been waiting for this for soooo long. And they're losing patience with me.. and I keep flip flopping.

TheCollective wrote:We have this too and might it be a trust issue you're having with your T?

I am just keenly aware that she has my GP details. She would only contact them if I was a danger to myself or others and I know we are not, but I worry that I am misjudging her understanding of my/our situation and that as a result she might misjudge me/us if I really let loose.

They're pretty accomodating at my current workplace but what if I lose my job thanks to Mal's/my outbursts? Other employers aren't like this and I am the sole breadwinner for two adults. So it's kind of a doublebind.. leave this be and eventually I'll get into serious trouble at work or take a stab at fixing it and a possible diagnosis may get me in trouble if I ever lose my job due to external circumstance.

TheCollective wrote:If your T is indeed a good T, I'm guessing eventually it might happen on its own. I'm still thinking it sounds like you need some time, and to trust the T a bit more. Perhaps you could say that there's some things you like to talk about but are not sure where to start or too scared to start?

Yes, I think that makes sense, but Mal doesn't feel like this.

He wants me to just accept it all. Right now. And so does Core for that matter.. only he is not as pushy about it but no less firm for that matter. Sometimes I think if Core thinks it is okay it must be, but then I catch myself and think, so what if none of it is even real and instead of recovering from decades of self deception I am only just starting.. and with an aduience..

TheCollective wrote:Therapy is really hard but once it starts paying off it's really useful. Our T suggested we start an investigation, to find out how far we can go, how much we can tell. Maybe that sounds useful to you too? Have you tried writing things down instead of having to say them out loud?

Well, Mal printed out our post above and put it in envelope titled "Hand it over or it's war". *sigh* but of course I also remember doing that myself.. only not feeling myself at the time.. which is just the oddest thing.

I wrote down what Core had to say about the whole matter. I might show her that instead.. And hope Mal calms by then.

TheCollective wrote:I notice that T's usually do not say "you have DID" or some sort, unless they know that their patient is ready to hear this. So yes not being open might well be a reason for your T to be more subtle. Things like these just do take time and if she's a good T I think eventually those topics will be addressed cause I think if she knows about your system and can even tell how your system works, she is a good T. (of course it might also be true that you only think she sees your system but I can't judge that)

I get a feeling she might..
but then I also vividly remember sitting with my husband one evening and him telling me he thinks I am a multiple.. I freaked out completely.. the whole world slipped sideways.. and then I realised it was all a misunderstanding. I had just misheard. Either a cry for recognition from the Others.. or maybe I am just one freaky hypchondriac. Which would be just as well, I guess, as long as I learn to deal with it.

I am really hesitant to trust my assessment of the T or myself fully.
It's all just guess work.. constant vigilence and reality testing. I mean, if they're really there, no wonder they are tired of my voice in their heads

TheCollective wrote:How would Mara react if your T would just confront her with those scary words right now? I think it might make her hide and deny even more. The same might happen if you don't respect her limits.

I am kind of in two minds about that.. all by myself

Sometimes I just think they might as well force it on me if they really can. Prove me wrong. And then again, I just want to get along with myself.. or selves. But I am not right now.

Also I am scared about where to go from here if I spill the beans and the T just tells me I am entirely on the wrong track. What then? Look for another T or just accept it and move on?

I felt so hopeless before I came here and then things seemed to get a little easier. It really helps to think of myself as selves, but I don't want to be fooling myself either. Either way.

I blame having lived in a part of the country where everyone refers to themselves as we.. when they speak about themself there, they really mean their whole family "We did this.. and we did that" and I picked that turn of phrase up sooo quickly.. only I wasn't thinking of my family at all. Just myself. I just never know when I am fooling myself. When I think of myself as a singlet or as a multiple.

It's all a bit difficult. When I can hear them all I keep thinking I am making it all up, and when my head goes quiet it feels even worse. Ha! I just want it both ways..

Thanks for your answer. Mal and the Others read it earlier today.. I must have read it at least five times today... just like I read almost everything four or five times *sigh*
Thanks again

Regarding the ramifications of a diagnosis, have you seen this thread?
http://www.psychforums.com/dissociative-identity/topic109218.html

The following is a quote from someone else (I don't know who though - I'm sorry):

"Truthfully I knew I had ptsd almost a whole year before I got diagnosed, but... I never even mentioned it and therefore wasted a year of my life doing therapy that did help, but would have been far more effective if trauma based.
YOU know yourself better than anyone else, if you are worried, do speak up… you can say things like ‘I saw something that said people with blah blah blah often feel blah blah blah and was wondering if you feel it’s a possibility?’, psychiatrists cannot read your mind, they are not all knowing, so help them out."

If the T tells you you are on the wrong track, then your T should at least be able to tell you what direction to go to fix the problems you're having. If your T isn't focusing on what you want her to focus on (whatever the "official diagnosis"), then I would think you should look for a new T, yeah. BUT if you're not telling your T what is a problem, then how can your T help you fix it? If you're suffering in silence like, "Maybe I'm a multiple; maybe I'm not," you could always lay out those cards on the table. And the T can help you sort out the whys and why-nots so that you can get the diagnosis that best fits Teatime as a whole and start going in the direction that is best for Teatime as a whole as well.

Thanks michiru

I kind of made clear I thought I was dealing with dissociation from the start. Whatever else, I do get frequent bouts of DP/DR and have done all my life. So I know that part is true and no doubt about it. After I explained a little further and related examples she did agree that dissociation appears to be what's going on for me,.. but.. yeah.. being more open about the other stuff is harder. That said, I see your point. Which in effect is the Others' point as well.. why prolong the wait when eventually it will come to a head anyway

Feels different to hear that sentiment outside my own head

-- Wed Mar 20, 2013 9:43 pm --

I figured.. as soon as I referenced it in my answer to the Collective I might as well post what Core had to say about it all yesterday evening.. and kind of wrote down with me this morning..

Core took me aside last night and explained that not only are the Others voices in my head but that it could also be said that I am a voice in their heads.

He said that on one level I am correct when I think that the Others are "not real". He explained that there is truth to this, that strictly speaking we are all one person, as we all share one name, one body and one life.

But then he said that while it is healthy to have an awareness of these limitations, this does not make the Others any less individual and valid. And that it follows that we are both unreal and real. That I am no more or less real than the rest.

He advised that I must not think of the Others as "not real". That even though my observations about Our paradoxical nature are correct, I must think of the Others as individuals. Individuals not part of me but nonetheless part of Teatime.

He pointed out that we are all Teatime, but we are not all Mara. That I am not all of Teatime but a valuable part of her. That we can only be Teatime together. And that in order to be Whole I must accept, listen to and work with the Others.

He said that I must endeavour not to censor or belittle their thoughts, beliefs and concerns. That I must learn to compromise with the Others of my own free will. That I need to learn to be less reductive in my thinking in order for Us to work together efficiently and to allow for the possibility of leading a fuller, less conflicted life.