i don't like it. i think it's just me. i don't see shay. it was just me and shay. and hawk. but hawk was in the background, to be there if needed only, you know? but i think it's just me right now.
but i don't feel like me. i dunno who i feel like. i feel confussed.
i feel like i dunno who i am. i don't feel like me. i don't like it. my head hurts. and i feel really really fuzzy. and i can't seem to think strait.
that's why i'm writing here. my thawts are all mucky and muddled and get too confusing to have in my head. it helps to seem them on paper. i gess it's the computer, not paper, but oh well. 
the only thing that is clear and stuff is what i hear. i dunno who's saying it. i dunno where it's coming from. but it repeets and it's the only thing that stays clear and understandable. i keep hearing "we have enuff, we have all of us. we have 18, we have enuff. we have enuff, we have all of us. we have 18, we have enuff". and then sumtimes i hear "this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real".
i don't like this. i wish it would stop.
my head's too fuzzy. and it hurts. i just wanna feel ok. i don't wanna feel this way anymore. there's so much going on inside my head. i hear so much.
"this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real"
"c'mon, c'mon, where is it??"
"see?? see?? i told you it's not real! you're trying to make up the back story before you find the memory!"
"this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real"
"i know it's here somewhere! c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!"
*i hear projector clicks, pictures changing*
"you're not gonna find "the memory" because there is none!"
"this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real"
"it's here somewhere! i know it! just haven't seen it yet!"
"this isn't real, this isn't real, this isn't real"
"why don't you start from the beginning and work your way up? start at the earliest memory you can remember."
"ugh, i was hoping we wouldn't have to do that, but ok."
*quiet*
*i see memory being playing from projector*
memory: i see short film clips that show cassandra/us being arragent. i see clips where we trash-talk people. i see clips where we're super confident. i see clips where we're sure of ourselves and no one and nothing's gonna make us change our mind.
i hear:
"that's not me. that is me but that's not me now"
"it was never you"
"no"
"yes"
"no! that can't be a part of me! i can't act like that! i don't know how!"
"this isn't about acting! this is real!"
"no it's not!"
"yes it is! you can't act like this, you don't know how, that's true. this part knows how, and this part does act like this!"
"there's not a part like this because i can't act like this!"
"yes you can! a part of you can! look at these memories!"
"that's not me now!"
"you're right, it's not! it's a part of you!"
"no it's not, i've just changed!"
"no you haven't, it's a part! a part that you need to start at least realizing their existence!"
"this isn't real!!"
*door slams*
*quite*
"well, i tried... guess i'll have to try again".
i'm so fuzzy....
-cassie
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